IEE-Ne. A genius jackass.
I haven't checked out the thread since finding out that wasn't my type, I'll take a look. But this overdose thing sounds exactly how it is for me, though. I have the biggest bank of hours in our center not because I'm obsessed with being good, but because I'm obsessed with making music/singing/dancing in itself. My body gets tired, but my mind can't get enough, which is why I can burn out sometimes. But I do it to satisfy myself, never others, I'm quite "selfish" when it comes to my physical resources. Most of my peers can't relate because they thrive on competition, so they thought I was the same and that's why I practiced so much. At some point I got tired of trying to explain and let them think whatever. This consuming passion and focus only is present in this area of my life, though. I can't focus like that on people, for example. Only virtually (when I'm figuring public figures out) and for brief periods of time, otherwise I just have never felt that intensely interested in anyone in my life and when I read about it, I can't even imagine how it must feel. And I find it a little scary, though the thought of inspiring that kind of feelings in someone is enticing.
But one thing is that a long time ago I realized why I preferred to rehearse alone. Many others do too, but either they say it's because they don't want interruptions or because they can't perform to the best of their abilities under pressure. But for me it was always because of this awareness thing, when I'm alone I can get lost in the music and in myself. But when there are others, I'm way too aware of their eyes on me, the mirrors don't help. If I were to tell anyone else this they'll probably call me ridiculously self centered, but yeah. I feel like I'm prey sometimes. Probably because I have a history of attracting people who want to posses or "tame" me. A major example of it was when I was part of a dance school as a kid, I happened to be the best in my class and was always set as an example for others to follow, would train my peers etc. But when the actual day of the performance came, as soon as I got on stage, I couldn't bear to look at the audience. For three years I'd perform while looking over the heads. This lasted for a long time, I used to do the exact same thing when I started as a trainee. Until I was forced to acknowledge my audience. It was a very difficult process.
There's also the way I feel when I'm performing, regardless of being alone or not while doing it. I feel like me and the music are actually doing
it Probably sounds funny, but that's how it feels, really. I don't even know who's devouring/consuming the other, whether is music or me, but it's the only occurance of total fusion I have ever experienced and the only one I want to have. Other forms of anything/anyone trying to do it to me are invading and even disturbing. Also the only situation were I not only allow something to take over me, but actually earn for it. I
want for it to consume me until I can't think anymore, just be. The only moment when I just am is when I'm singing/dancing/rapping. It's complete bliss and lightness. The closest thing to replicate the feeling was when I came to Seoul on my own. It was the only time I traveled alone, and I loved the freedom and contentment I felt.
I also think it manifests in my type of music. I need songs that make me feel immersed in it's story/universe. Beats, lyrics and specially, a song's
atmosphere it's what has to click for me. This intensity thing might be why I've always had issues with ballads or calm songs in general. I have to be in a very specific state to enjoy them, otherwise not only do they not do it for me as they irritate me, making wanna turn it off/change the station immediately. I guess I recognize very fast that I won't get what I need from it. The lack of action/energy in songs/movies/books and maybe specially, people is frequently unbearable. "Are you even alive?" is usually what I'm thinking when I encounter this low energy entities, human or not. There's also the fact that ballads or mid tempos won't give me the opportunity to dance or at least move around the stage in a satisfying manner. You either have to sit down or slowly walk while you sing, which is already boring to watch for me, let alone perform them myself. It doesn't mean this "intense" songs are party bangers or even aggressive in any manner. Both of this couldn''t sound/look more different, but have the same other worldly (but actually feels like I'm finally experiencing the
real world) effect on me, for example,:
Probably is also at least linked to the reason why I love archery so damn much, same with shooting. My attention and energy are entirely dependent on interest, so I think the answer indeed lies in examining these interests.
I've never considered SO/SX because the real people examples I've seen so far are either people pleasers/martyrs (Jimin comes to mind), shallow social climbers/con men or "over friendly" serial huggers (Jackson). I'm indeed very much aware of people's desires/expectations towards me, but I never cater to them. When I was younger I used to rebel against them, always going against what other people would like to get from me. I've matured enough to see how stupid that can be, but still, I can't just go with the flow, even though I might feel burdened with their wants/feelings, or burdened with my own awareness of it.
I'm sure of this though: if I'm SO/SX then I'm not EIE, I can't be both. I'm either SX first or Fi valuing, my attraction/repulse instinct and self centeredness demsnd one of this options too betrue. Thoughts?