Enneagram instincts and relationship/sexual preferences?

[banmeplssssssss]

I believe I'm an sx(7)/sp, i do not really engage in a lot of so stuff. Nearly everyone in my life is a social dominant or is sx blind. My mom and her husband and second boyfriend (and third boyfriend) are sx-blind (so/sp and sp/so respectively) and they're both really into polyamory, they say they cannot stand giving love to one person exclusively because they feel that "you can spread the love and give it to one instead of being locked to one person, and giving love to just one person is limiting" but all the time I have never felt the same way personally.

In terms of sexual preferences and whatnot, I could never imagine doing things like orgies and threesomes and swinging, etc. Also, from my personal experience, sexual stuff and intimacy is an incredibly private thing for me. I never feel comfortable discussing it in public unless I know that I am truly close to someone who will reciprocate. Meanwhile, every single one of the so-doms and sx-blinds in my life seem to discuss it almost like as if it's just normal small-talk or something. I'll be at the dinner table or something like that and my family will be talking about their sexual closeness to somebody out loud as a topic of discussion among the group. They have no problem talking about their genitalia out loud at any time, they have no problems discussing their sexual anatomy and bodily processes out loud, like periods and etc. (which okay, I get that periods are normal, and people will probably come after me for shaming women's bodies or something like that, but imagine me as a dude saying something out loud like "ah man I haven't jerked off in a while and I had a wet dream all over my bed sheets, man i hate it when that happens" in such a casual, friendly way...? like it's gross if the intimacy is not established... same goes with periods for example) and they seem to say it as if it's just something natural and normal, and that people should stop being 'sexually oppressed'. Which sure, I understand, sex is natural and not scary, but in my eyes, do we really need to be discussing these intimate details out loud?

And with regards to relationships, I mean in typical sx fashion, I just imagine myself being committed to one girl and her being my partner for life where we do everything and we are one. There's no formalities, we just click and it's this constant phase of loving. There's no restrictions, strong boundaries, formalities/relationship 'status' or 'expectations' from the relationship, we are just together and that's it. I expect that on the first date, we click and bond immediately, I take her to my house, show her around, get down to business if you know what I mean, and we stay together. We just kind of fall in love and not only is she my one and only girlfriend, but she's also like my best friend who I do everything with. Like as if we are one. I get that many people will say that isn't realistic, but I'm just kind of saying my fantasy, or at least my idea of what would be best fitting for me if I could have it.

My sx-blind parents are different, they both willingly have a dozen different partners (they are polyamorous) and feel that they get suffocated and overwhelmed whenever they themselves or someone else gets way too close and personal and intense with them (or 'oversteps their boundaries'). Not to mention they both have strongly said they do not believe in true love or love at first sight. They'll be friends with someone for 9 years, and then completely out of the blue, they will start dating this person just because they wanted to 'give it a go'???? Also often they don't even have sexual interest in the person and they're still dating them. And in my head I'm thinking, "WTF?? you didn't just start dating this person when you met them immediately? it took you 9 years to 'get to know this person' and 'become good friends', and you're still barely intimate??" Not to mention, the parents will often have their respective partners in the same house at the same time, as in like mom's second boyfriend in the house with her main husband, and husband's girlfriend in the presence of both mom and her second boyfriend, and mostly I'm just thinking "what???? how on earth does this work?? i can't even imagine going on a double date with another couple that ISN'T dating my girlfriend, much less inviting my girlfriend to the house in the presence of not only my main girlfriend, but her boyfriend too??? like how is this possible?????" My mom is an ESTJ ESI 2w1 so/sp and her husband is an ISTP xLI 5w6 sp/so, also I'm pretty sure their respective polyamory partners are their socionics duals, and they seem to get along much better with their polyamorous partners and have both admitted this (with regards to intimacy, getting along, personal interests, etc.), but have told me that they remain husband and wife because of some weird formality thing?? Idk, it's confusing lmao

Anyways, my opinion put to the side, I'm sorry if I happened to upset anyone by sharing my thoughts, but my thoughts are not necessarily the point of this; what is your instinctual stacking and what are your views on relationships and sex in general? What do sx people think of monogamy/polyamory vs. so people? What do sx people imagine 'boundaries' as vs. so people? etc. I'd be interested to hear it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm sx7/sp. If any other sx people are out there, or maybe so-blinds, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my parents' approach to relationships to see what you have to say about it as an sx person (but also of course, any sp or so people feel free to share as well! )

[banmeplssssssss]

I hate that all the material I try to find on enneagram instincts seems to contradict each other. I usually test as sx/sp and I relate to a lot of what you said. My dad has strong sp and is very open with sexual jokes as an Estj. I find it embarrassing and ironic because he kind of got me into Disney princess movies. (Strong emphasis on monogamy) That's my 2 cents

Agreed, a lot of people really don't understand the instincts and they write a bunch of bogus info about them, which just causes a lot of confusion and contradiction. Same thing happens with MBTI and cognitive functions. (Socionics seems to be the only personality system not affected by this, everyone in the socionics community seems to be on the same level for the most part, probably since it is much more obscure than MBTI/Enneagram/Jung which means that your average person is probably not writing nonsensical garbage about it like they do with the other three).

All of the sx-blind people I know in my life are actually surprisingly sexual people, but 'sexual' in the sense of Enneagram just means a sense of extreme intimacy and closeness and sticking intensely to one person or thing, which is something that the sx-blind people I know do not do. Often people with the social instinct turn sex into a social matter, destigmatizing it, rather than keeping it a private and intimate matter between two people like the sexual instinct would do. I think this can make them seem like very sexual people since they are so comfortable talking about it and engaging in it casually, unlike an sx-dom who probably wouldn't lay a finger on someone unless they were closely intimate, much less have them in their bed (at least from my experience). Also I've noticed sx-blind people seem to really hate 'clinginess'/'neediness'.

I think 'sexual' can have a lot of definitions to it in general and in terms of the Enneagram, and 'sex' has nothing to do with the instinct itself. A lot of people I know call the sexual instinct 'one-to-one' instead, which I personally think fits much better for the actual definition of the instinct. I think that the specific instincts themselves define a different outlook on sex. At least from what I've observed, social instinct people like my parents see sex as a very public thing that should be openly discussed and not shamed, wanting to keep it as less of a private and hidden matter between two individuals (aka one-to-one) and more of a general, societal matter that can easily be talked about among groups (aka social). From what I've seen, self-pres people (especially sp/so) seem to see sex as something that they are doing to survive in life, thinking that sex is their way of self-preservation. And then sexual/one-to-one people see sex as, well... that's the thing. My theory is that sexual-dom people don't actually see any social/self-pres reasons or philosophy behind sex; it just is sex. When they click, it happens. It is never to procreate, or show off, or fight for some social cause, it just simply is, with nothing else attached to it. They can't explain it in self-pres or social terms, because sexual-dom people just get the attraction and feel it without really filtering it through anything like the other two do. For sexual dominant people, sex is probably the ultimate merging with the person, where you can get as close as possible and experience everything the person has to offer; the ultimate vulnerability and intimacy. Idk, that's just my thoughts.

Another thing I have noticed is that I think a lot of people confuse self-preservation for introversion as well. My dad is an SLE sp-dom and he's very gregarious and extroverted, also extremely obsessed with sex, but he's sp/so. Like you said with your dad, he makes a ton of sex jokes as well. Also he has no problem taking a look at some hot girl and openly discussing his attraction to the girl out in public. Often when he's talking with or to people, it's never about some shared experience or social cause, it's usually just about surviving together. His view of sex is never to unite it over some social cause or get extreme intimacy with the girl, it's usually just to (i quote him) 'get his biological needs filled'. He told me one of the biggest lessons he learned from his father growing up is that the meaning of life is 'just to fk', so he takes it as a means to self-preservation and basic needs rather than true intimacy or social matter, even though he is an incredibly sexually-oriented person who goes after it all the time. When talking with people, he usually meets up and talks with people just to make money, manage real estate properties, fix cars, etc. rather than over some social/one-to-one stuff. He's still very talkative though. He's got 6 in his tritype somewhere too. But like I said, when he meets up with people, it's always for the sake of self-pres, never social or one-to-one. Just like the social instinct does not necessarily equate to extroversion, I think that the self-pres instinct is not directly correlated with introversion at all either, despite what some people think/type themselves as. Sure, a lot of introverts may be self-pres, but there are also super extroverted people out there that are self-pres, just like there are some super introverted people who could be social-dom.

[roger557]

Sx first and monogamous. I would have linked it more to Fi but I dunno
also did you say your mom is ESTJ ESI?? Haha

i don’t dare speak on instincts online though because I’m scared of having my words twisted, gaslighted to where I don’t even understand anymore what I was saying (I have a history of gaslighting which seems to make me especially vulnerable), and generally a million people agreeing/supporting that person’s/people’s words. I don’t even dare outline a complex thought online in general because of that fear.

also I don’t like “big hormone” podcast; I don’t like the entire group.

but anyways

I think it’s time for me to leave this website…

but yeah sx blind can obviously focus on sex, which is another example of why sx being about sex is oversimplified. The idea there is something primal is archetypal (Se -> Ni) but I usually just see stuff about (exaggerated) how someone basically nonverbally exudes sex. And like you pointed out those sx last people, due to their behavior, may actually come across the same. Not to mention sx first people inexperienced/naive in the area, say as a child or adolescent at least, sometimes older - do they suddenly stop being sx first?
and then I think sx first people can also apply that intensity and uniqueness/exclusivity of their connection to friendships. Some of them can be aromantic along with it. They obviously don’t want to have sex with their friend.

these instincts go beyond the literal.

You are Sp/So. I saw your picture and you VI as such.

[banmeplssssssss]

also did you say your mom is ESTJ ESI?? Haha

Yeah, she's Te-Si in MBTI but she's ESI in socionics. Very eager about her morals and 'taking action', akin to Fi-Se in socionics, but is constantly trying to help people practically fix their lives and she is rigidly organized, akin to Te-Si in MBTI. She says her biggest problem in life is that she is always helping other people do things but she never looks out for herself and her own needs, and she is a perfectionists at heart who needs everything in her house organized. You can still have a moral agenda and be trying to help others constantly, the same way an MBTI INTP for example can be an ILI and value Te factual knowledge in socionics, but care very little about using it to help others through Te/Fe in MBTI. All I know is that she is some sort of ESxJ, with Te/Fe at the top and Si as her second function, and I know for sure she is an ESI in socionics

but yeah sx blind can obviously focus on sex, which is another example of why sx being about sex is oversimplified. The idea there is something primal is archetypal (Se -> Ni) but I usually just see stuff about (exaggerated) how someone basically nonverbally exudes sex. And like you pointed out those sx last people, due to their behavior, may actually come across the same. Not to mention sx first people inexperienced/naive in the area, say as a child or adolescent at least, sometimes older - do they suddenly stop being sx first?
and then I think sx first people can also apply that intensity and uniqueness/exclusivity of their connection to friendships. Some of them can be aromantic along with it. They obviously don’t want to have sex with their friend.

these instincts go beyond the literal.

I think it's less about 'sex' and more about this one-to-one connection where nobody in the world can touch you two. There's no social groups or hierarchies to get in your way, and there's no concern about your wellbeing or survival, there is just the other person (or the interest) that gives you that zest of life. I find that this applies too to interests or things as well. On numerous occasions I have been called obsessive, because I just get attached to something very quickly and don't ever let go or give it a break. I will talk about the interest incessantly, as it is practically the only thing taking over my life, sort of the same way that the supposed sx/one-to-one definitions say that your partner is like the all-encompassing thing in your world. And with regards to friends, I think that's true too, you can feel very attached to them with lack of variety in social groups and still obviously not want to have sexual relations with them. Like I said before, I think calling it 'sexual' is just a kind of spiritual term that the enneagram creators decided to call it, but really I think 'one-to-one' is a far better term and I think a lot of people would probably not type themselves as 'sx' if it were 'one-to-one'; I certainly know my parents wouldn't lmao

[jroc]

(which okay, I get that periods are normal, and people will probably come after me for shaming women's bodies or something like that, but imagine me as a dude saying something out loud like "ah man I haven't jerked off in a while and I had a wet dream all over my bed sheets, man i hate it when that happens" in such a casual, friendly way...? like it's gross if the intimacy is not established... same goes with periods for example)

Periods really aren't equivalent to jerking off lol like I know what you mean, fair enough if it makes you uncomfortable, but it's not that comparable.

Anyways, my opinion put to the side, I'm sorry if I happened to upset anyone by sharing my thoughts, but my thoughts are not necessarily the point of this; what is your instinctual stacking and what are your views on relationships and sex in general? What do sx people think of monogamy/polyamory vs. so people? What do sx people imagine 'boundaries' as vs. so people? etc. I'd be interested to hear it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm sx7/sp. If any other sx people are out there, or maybe so-blinds, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my parents' approach to relationships to see what you have to say about it as an sx person (but also of course, any sp or so people feel free to share as well! )

My instinctual stacking is sp/sx and I'm personally more monogamous. I'm ...open to the possibility of polyamory, but not in such a formal way with a main partner and then several side partners and then those partners having multiple partners. That sounds like too much and I don't want to get involved in a set-up like that. It would be too confusing for me, and the idea of it doesn't even appeal to me lol. I might consider polyamory as like... a temporary experience. A fling, out of curiosity. Like maybe I'd be a guest for another polyamorous couple, assuming they're attractive enough lol. Maybe.

Have your parents always been polyamorous??? Did you just grow up surrounded by orgies??? lol. I'm just curious how you were raised. It sounds very unconventional.

[roger557]

I’m certain and so is anybody who has known me, even for the slightest amount of time, that I’m Sx first.

I cannot take seriously, whatever opinion it might be, of people this certain based on 1 sec still frame of someone’s face. It really doesn’t matter if it’s several photographs either. I’m guessing you don’t bother accounting for flat affect, among a myriad of other factors. And/or perhaps you are sx last yourself.

Not convinced. I'm a legit sx/sp.