Problems with an ILI-INTp

[Delilah]

I'm having problems with an ILI and maybe wondered if you had any tips?

It's just the person is such energy sapper and every time i suggest something "yes, i can do this, it's doable" i get in response all the potential pitfalls which frankly i've already thought about so it's really pointless of them to mention, but it just still has a negative impact since it casts doom and gloom over my intended project.

Any tips how to 'immunize' myself from this? It's gotten bad since I tended to confide in them a lot for projects i'd wanted to do but now i'm seeing the negative effects of that and really wanted to avoid it if at all possible. My guess is that's their way of helping;

Any suggestions? Thanks.

[Rebelondeck]

So you're looking for a confidante who encourages you - in a work environment? This must be a generational thing. I'll take people who'll point out what'll bite me in the ass over any cheerleader even though I had thought of everything because the next time, I may not be as perceptive. Salary and a good performance review was all the encouragement that I ever needed. I'd get closer to the ILI; at least, the person seems honest and accurate if I interpret your words correctly.......

a.k.a. I/O

[Delilah]

No, it's family. And yes, they're pretty honest and I know their advice is meant to look out for me, but it also has problems as I already described as I have somewhat different priorities than they seem to assume. Thanks

[Chae]

Captain obvious, play SEE. Tell them what to do, it shouldn't be vice versa. If you are truly confident in your undertakings, the ILI's negativity won't bring you down. If you are discouraged that already means there's doubt - the pitfalls just make it surface and magnify it. Assert your suggestion because it is valid, be grateful for NiTe advice as it is indeed help in the form of preventing you from future harm. So yeah - the ILI cares a lot, and you can or cannot acknowledge that - but what you do with it counts. Still pursue the project because your will is more important than an opinion that actually inhibits progress alltogether. Use the worst case scenarios of you and the ILI to make everything fool- and bulletproof. Prove the ILI wrong through the following success and they will trust you more next time. With that in mind, keep those spirits up!

If all else fails, play the "stop criticizing and DO IT BETTER YOURSELF! CAN'T DO IT? Good, I know how to handle it" card to receive free reign.

And if that fails, say "shut up everything's gonna be alright" and squeeze them firmly lovingly.

[Chae]

Also. @Food and @handjob babe this thread's something for you.

[Attis]

Not sure if this applies universally to all ILIs, but I could never see myself not being cautiously pessimistic and pointing out the potential pitfalls of a project I care about. This is amplified by me being an enneagram 6. I don't care about whether I'm "casting doom and gloom" or not. If someone told me that this seriously bothered them, I would tell them to not ask me for advice about their projects in the future. Optimism is something I rarely experience, and I would never force myself to be optimistic when I'm not genuinely feeling optimistic.

[Delilah]

Captain obvious, play SEE. Tell them what to do, it shouldn't be vice versa. If you are truly confident in your undertakings, the ILI's negativity won't bring you down. If you are discouraged that already means there's doubt - the pitfalls just make it surface and magnify it. Assert your suggestion because it is valid, be grateful for NiTe advice as it is indeed help in the form of preventing you from future harm. So yeah - the ILI cares a lot, and you can or cannot acknowledge that - but what you do with it counts. Still pursue the project because your will is more important than an opinion that actually inhibits progress alltogether. Use the worst case scenarios of you and the ILI to make everything fool- and bulletproof. Prove the ILI wrong through the following success and they will trust you more next time. With that in mind, keep those spirits up!

If all else fails, play the "stop criticizing and DO IT BETTER YOURSELF! CAN'T DO IT? Good, I know how to handle it" card to receive free reign.

And if that fails, say "shut up everything's gonna be alright" and squeeze them firmly lovingly.

I really like the bolded, i think it's the heart of the problem as their pointing flaws feels a bit invalidating i'm reckoning; I can't ask them to be unnecessarily optimistic for me as that's silly, but wanting to find some ways to brush off the actual gloom since the projects can come with risks etc; Thanks

[flames]

My biggest problem with them is that I can't find them anywhere and I'm pretty sure they don't exist.

[Adam Strange]

My biggest problem with them is that I can't find them anywhere and I'm pretty sure they don't exist.

Well, I see lots and lots of them. I see them in libraries, in cafes sitting by themselves with a book, in the corner by themselves at a party, in school. I found one in a picture-frame shop a while ago. Any place where they can be by themselves in an intellectual atmosphere.

Like all duals, you are probably looking in places where you normally go, rather than in places where they normally go.

Keep looking. They are all around. But try to catch them when they are still in school. After that, they really do disappear into their rooms for the next 30 years. Or they spend all their time at work. Alone, at night. When that happens, they are lost to SEE's.

[darya]

My biggest problem with them is that I can't find them anywhere and I'm pretty sure they don't exist.

Go to some weird underground concert of some band no one has ever heard of. The darker the place (basement club preferred) more probability they will be there - they're like vampires, they come out at night. They will be standing by themselves, unmoving, blank face, staring at the stage or in a group of other mean, cynical looking friends.

[flames]

Go to some weird underground concert of some band no one has ever heard of. The darker the place (basement club preferred) more probability they will be there - they're like vampires, they come out at night. They will be standing by themselves, unmoving, blank face, staring at the stage or in a group of other mean, cynical looking friends.

That actually sounds hot

[darya]

That actually sounds hot

It is.

[FDG]

Why are you actually interested in his/her opinion in the first place, if I may ask...if you want to do something and there aren't enormous potential financial or emotional pitfalls, just do it.

(If there are potential enormous financial or emotional pitfalls, his/her advice may actually make sense)

I know a ILI guy who always suggested me have kids later in life because you have more savings, more stable bla bla bla now he has 2 kids and I have none (we're both 30). Don't overestimate their advice regarding specific life situations where they have no technical backing to their opinion.

[Chae]

Why are you actually interested in his/her opinion in the first place, if I may ask...if you want to do something and there aren't enormous potential financial or emotional pitfalls, just do it.

(If there are potential enormous financial or emotional pitfalls, his/her advice may actually make sense)

I know a ILI guy who always suggested me have kids later in life because you have more savings, more stable bla bla bla now he has 2 kids and I have none (we're both 30). Don't overestimate their advice regarding specific life situations where they have no technical backing to their opinion.

^^^^ Good and important argument ^^^^

When the ILI's knowledge isn't appropriate (or just used to prove himself, although we don't know about that) it's worth considering to block him out.

[Delilah]

Why are you actually interested in his/her opinion in the first place, if I may ask...if you want to do something and there aren't enormous potential financial or emotional pitfalls, just do it.

(If there are potential enormous financial or emotional pitfalls, his/her advice may actually make sense)

I know a ILI guy who always suggested me have kids later in life because you have more savings, more stable bla bla bla now he has 2 kids and I have none (we're both 30). Don't overestimate their advice regarding specific life situations where they have no technical backing to their opinion.

I guess it's because sometimes i like to get a couple of other opinions in since sometimes I fear I might be so concerned with my own sense of directionality that I might be detached from the objective in making a decision. Thanks.

[yeves]

That actually sounds hot

It's a way to meet male neckbeard ILIs who aren't too concerned with their hygiene. Follow this route only if you're not too picky at this point

[Phantom Shadow]

If an ILI is criticizing you then that means we are concerned about the future prospects of your endeavors. We don't want you to waste your time, energy, and or resources on a path that leads no where or has a very small chance of success especially if there are better opportunities. With that being said if you explain your current circumstances and what lead you to those choices the ILI will either offer more viable or effective options or confirm that your choice was the most optimal decision.

In reguards to the constant negativity, and criticism simply tell them directly and candidly that constant negativity and criticism is lowering your morale and confidence. And that it would be more productive if they would use there insights to help you manage the risks and capitalize on the opportunities and benefits. Or they can keep there criticism and negativity to themselves.

[flames]

It's a way to meet male neckbeard ILIs who aren't too concerned with their hygiene. Follow this route only if you're not too picky at this point

[Delilah]

They're actually trying to be a bit positive now, what i appreciate even if their way of doing this is a bit stifling - guess can never be happy ha!

thanks @Phantom Shadow for such a thoughtful reply.

[The Reality Denialist]

I think you need to piss them off in a an area where they are competent at and they become an advocate for the cause.
(It is like saying ILE that this can not be figured out...)

[Skepsis]

Fight fire with fire. Give reasons why you think the endeavor would work and don't back down. Ultimately, projections into the future are a mixture of facts and opinions and nothing is ever known for certain.

It's probably not a good idea not to tell ubercynical people of your ideas to begin with, unless you are looking for your ideas to be critiqued or looking for advice.

[HotSauce]

Go to some weird underground concert of some band no one has ever heard of. The darker the place (basement club preferred) more probability they will be there - they're like vampires, they come out at night. They will be standing by themselves, unmoving, blank face, staring at the stage or in a group of other mean, cynical looking friends.

I can tell you, this is TRUTH. My ILI hangs out in dirty dive bars and these dark unknown clubs with bands playing that no one else has heard of. He will have on a dark tee shirt with an obscure movie/TV reference, dark jeans, will stand in a corner and silently enjoy himself with a drink in his hand. It will be something like high shelf vodka on the rocks with lime, or a beer you aren't cool enough to know about. It's so nice because I would never go to these places on my own, he takes me to them, I have a great time and I even like them better than run-of-the mill places everyone goes to.

So, go to one of these clubs, spot your ILI, and go up to him and ask him what his tee shirt means.

[Resonare]

IME, family are the first to say you can't do something. Sometimes it's genuine and other times it's coming from a selfish place.

I think you need to figure out which one it is before working out how to deal with it.

[Jeremy8419]

Necromancer!

That's not ILI, btw. ILI is, okay that's a good idea lets slow things down and take this step by step.

What you're describing is a negativist (not due to you using the word negative) and an emotivist.

[Delilah]

^ ILIs are negativists in Reinin so not sure what your point is? I'm also sure this person is constructivist, the way they say things is almost rude in some way. When I encounter emotivist i think of an example of watching a disturbing movie with ENTj / LIE and I just couldn't watch it any more and they just barreled through it no problem regardless of the deeply unsettling subject matter;