INFp Description by I/O

[Aylen]

I like what you said that you don't want to appear lower than anyone else. That's another big difference between us. To me that hierarchy doesn't exist. When I or anyone expresses things they are expressing a part of what makes them unique and an individual. I too consider myself among human beings when I express my own failed relationships and sad feelings.

We're all a part of a brotherhood of man

I get the "brotherhood of man" thing. I think that every time I see someone in a bad place and want to lift their spirits in any way I can. I have seen and identified with the dregs of society. I have more empathy for them than the common man, sometimes.

My problem is that most of the people around me now are self absorbed which leads me to be more self absorbed. I cut a whole group of friends out of my life a few years ago and made no effort to add many new friends since. Most of the people I interact with, irl, are through my brother and even though I call them "friends" hang out with them (now and then) and have warm feelings toward them , they are not people you pour your feelings out to. I feel quite alone but not lonely. I have withdrawn into my mind for the most part and shut out the world. This is a cycle I repeat over and over. I eventually emerge from the darkness. Had tons of therapy, reflected, dissected and considered all the ways I fucked up and what I can do differently now. I feel strong enough now that I do not have to talk about all the issues that fucked up my life. I did that in therapy, which was forced on me, but was so good for me to just talk without external cues of judgment (except with a couple of them).

My very best female friends no longer live close to me or are dead by freak circumstances. :/ I have had to deal with things on my own so it does not feel easy to talk to anyone about being sad and I am not completely comfortable doing it. I gave it a try not long ago with someone I thought was a good friend but they turned on me in such a way that I am more guarded. They were not my quadra, go figure. lol I was naive. Since then I probably only talk to one or two female friends about problems but I am more comfortable listening to theirs than sharing mine. Not even they know how heavy some of the issues are that I struggle with. :/ I often feel like I am going to be misunderstood or judged though which probably has more to do with being an enneagram 4 than IEI

I do not look down on people. I just don't want anyone looking down on or pitying me. I know I have been complicit in creating my own problems so now I have to find a way to understand myself, accept and keep moving forward. I would rather express my moods through songs and art than actually talk about them but when I do that it goes over most people's heads. Not everyone's though. Other IEI and sometimes an IEE are really good at "seeing" what I am saying without words and they will send me a hug, quote, article or something.

I appreciate when there is understanding without words. Most people only see the exterior image you put out and do not go any deeper. Others feel your pain but they also know you do not wish to be pitied so they will let you know they understand without making you feel bad about yourself. That is more my style when dealing with someone else and their problems. Just finding ways to let them know I understand without making them feel worse about themselves. I do not like to be lectured about my bad choices. They already bother me enough. I just want understanding without pity. Does that make sense?

I also know most people are not mind readers, like me , and they are not going to "just know" when I am in a bad place. If I want them to know I have to tell them and that is hard for me to do with people in general. I want to say to the world "just feel me" and "don't make me say it please". hah

Edit: I do welcome empathy. I don't want pity because it often comes off as if they are looking down on me but aren't saying it. It is really semantics I suppose. I don't like the word "pity" at all. Commiseration is better. It keeps us on the same level though and eventually someone has to make a move to break that vicious cycle.