Originally Posted by
Adam Strange
Time, mainly. In my experience, both of them will be stand-offish for the first few hours of interaction, but then their behaviors diverge after a week or so. If you aren't making progress after two weeks of frequent exposure, then you are trying to turn the tide. Give up.
Without generalizing, let me just state what my experience has been with the two types. After I assessed the situation (to see if I could imagine them in my life in any way) and finally approached them and asked them out after interacting with them for a few hours total, both of them agreed to go out with me.
The "normal" ESI absolutely jumped at the invitation. She said "Yes" before I finished the sentence. I had been briefly and breezily talking to her every day for a week, I looked good, I was wearing a suit, I knew people that she knew, she made a foray into my work area to check things out for herself, and I asked her. We set a time and she showed up and we had fun. We went out several more times, until I determined that she was so-first and sx-last and I didn't want to continue, because (as I told her) I wasn't as interested in public events as she was. She would be better off with a LIE politician.
The "avoidant" ESI was reluctant and agreed to go out sometime, but was a no-show for the first date and then she just refused to go out after repeated invitations, for about a year, until she did actually go out with me. I thought we both had a good time and she looked great. And then she never went out with me again. She still texts me sometimes, but declines invitations to go out again. It could be that she just doesn't see us as a match.
I call her avoidant because she's 44 and has never been married, but she is also at a stage in her life (which might last forever) where she is attracted to the wrong guys. SLI's and ILI's. Her father is SLI and she has a married male ILI friend whom she pines for. Perfectly convenient for an Avoidant. I'm just not willing to wait for her to correct those notions by letting her live with an SLI or an ILI for a few years and let her see how that goes in the real world. Nor am I interested in always being the one to initiate with an Avoidant, while she constantly tries to be somewhere else.
ESI's are super-suspicious (low Ni) and since they are sensors, they assume that the only reason you want to go out with them is to have sex right away this instant and then you'll move on to the next victim. So there's that. The only way to counter that is to show them that you are interested in being a friend first. So you first have to actually be interested in them, as a person.
The non-avoidant ESI will jump at the rabbit at first, but then will start to think. She will start worrying (low Ni again), start dragging her feet while watching your performance, but will continue to interact with you to collect Se data. You might be surprised at how much she likes you, while she doesn't exactly say that.
The avoidant ESI might like you (avoidants need love, too), but she will always stay on the far side of the relationship, and it probably won't get intimate. If you feel like you are working too hard on the relationship, then you probably are.