I might be just E4 or E5, but here's the thing lads.

-> inconsistencies.txt {

I notice that there are a lot of inconsistencies between my understanding of the concept and myself. I could be connecting what it means to myself using the theory, yet after a lot of thoughts I just accidentally discovered that the descriptions / theory itself is inconsistent, or just vague.
There are 2 possibilities, either I'm just stupid or there is an inconsistencies and flaws in the system the deeper I go.

Enneagram 4 is associated with envy, self-image, or basically the need to be special. Yes, I do all of them, and yes, I do both feel superior and inferior at the same time, just like the description. But those could be associated with my fear of being incompetent.


I poke people's weakness on their train of thought for my coping mechanism, and once I feel like they're within my grasp / potential, I finally regained my composure to know that I am not the one with weakness / incompetence.

}

-> questions.txt {

My question is:
Is it because of my fear of incompetence that it leads to the feelings of inferiority, or through my feelings of inferiority that I realized being competent is my idealized self-image, coping through it?
Think of it like this. Is my fear/desires is associated with Enneagram 5 and then it leads to 4, or Enneagram 4 that it leads to 5?

The more I dig deeper and deeper, I realized I was just directing my thoughts and emotions to align to the depicted image and descriptions of 4/5. It's like using the system to create an identity, which is just naïve.

But yeah, after much thought, I realized that I relied too much on system to know myself better, rather than just pure abstractions, logic and essence.

}

-> struggle.txt {

You can't believe how many times I've tried to ignore and throw away my "typology mindset" such as Enneagram, MBTI etc, on my already hardwired brain.
Think of like Windows. I placed "typology" both to startup and the taskbar that it is the default state of my mind and I needed administrator access to remove it.



And even if I removed it, it just goes to the recycle bin. The wire is still there, waiting to be rewired.

Yes, I find emotions to be overwhelming at times. One minute, I indulge in my emotions, feeling superior with my self image, directing everything from my thought, emotions and body to that "image", but the second minute, I find that to be stupid and cringe.

First it's like I'm acting on first person, after a second thought I go to the third perspective, looking at my cringe self a minute ago.
Alternatively, it's like running a failed program even if it doesn't have an error, but after debugging it there's a logical mistake and algorithm failure within the code.

}

-> closing.txt {

Sorry for the rambling.
What do you think of this? Do you have any insights?

}