Hi
Hi
I was feeling unmotivated to do any work for months, since December, actually, and then I took a bunch of Vitamin D yesterday and now I'm back, baby.
Better Living Through Chemistry.
So, I can't help but to laugh at my own cluelessness about physical health. Mostly, tbh, because I had not cared about myself or my life ever since the onset of Bipolar 2 when I was 14. Too much anhedonia/depression. I only stayed alive to prevent hurting others, but I was in a hell hole of pain and life was purgatory to me. I was waiting eagerly to die for years until meds fixed my brain chemicals.
Now, with meds and a future to look forward to, I'm starting to care...about how long I live, what happens to me, etc. When it's about psychological health, I can rattle on about so much, but when it's physical...LOL. Until last night, I thought all strokes were caused by heart problems. That's how clueless I am. It's so sad that it's funny.
Yes, this is dark. Sorry not sorry. It's authentic, so idc. Welcome to reality, there are dark things in life.
Well, aren't all strokes caused by "heart" problems?
When my ex-wife moved out, I went to get a heart stress test, because my heart was not beating regularly.
When I was rejected by my "friends" and a Dual, I thought I was having a heart attack for a short time. Turns out it was just a PTSD attack.
Those old echoes from the past can come back and replay in the present. And replay physically, not just emotionally.
Nice. It's gonna be in the single digit temperatures here for a while, but it's sunny. I was thinking this morning that I need more light in my life, and I should build a greenhouse to get it.
I was amazed at how fast my mood changed after I took that Vit D. It was like coming out of a tunnel, and it's been good since.
Are they? Idk...LOL I was told last night that they aren't. Now I am just lost. This stuff has never been interesting to me, I never cared enough to research, lol.
Yeah...they do affect you physically. Sorry to hear you went through that. I used to have panic attacks from abandonment trauma. When someone was even simply quieter than usual for a day, I used to tell them about how I was struggling, ask what's going on, ask for reassurance. I was always reasonable about things, at least...recognized it as a me problem and coped ok-ish, all things considered. I don't really have any problems with abandonment anymore. I might grieve a little too hard perhaps, but that's about it, and I'm not even sure if I do. That is what therapy is for...blindspots. Learning what normal/healthy is. Im so excited about taking on the new challenges. Defeating those assholes of the past more.
I still have very bad PTSD from another thing, but I dont ever talk about it because Id be too vulnerable to others weaponizing it. Usually I dont care about that, and if anything I prefer to take on my sensitivities via exposure desensitization (give people the weapon to use against me so i can thereby use my enemies as a tool to help me overcome and conquer), but with this one...i straight up have flashbacks, potentially for hours, reliving the experiences as though im actually there, etc. I want to do EMDR.
Do you still have that PTSD btw? What helped you, if not?
Lol I imagined you in an empty greenhouse "ahh, so airy" before I read the part about buying plants and having someone else water them, haha. It made me chuckle.
I like having plants around, but I probably only keep up with them out of guilt about not doing so. It's like...here is this living thing mankind has harvested, I purchased it and took on responsibility for it while it had no say in the matter...how awful, to let it die out of sheer neglect or carelessness? My cats try to eat plants though, so I quit trying to have plants for now.
I don't like being given flowers, either, for a similar reason. I'm like...sooo you saw something pretty, and decided to bring it to me so I could see it, at the expense of its life? And now I'm going to watch it die due to mankind's normalized thoughtlessness of the plant that is considered to be thoughtful of a person of interest. Yeah...no thanks. I'd rather you not kill a defenseless life for me.
EDIT
I dont hold it against people, I get they dont think about it that way. I just dont like seeing this. Reminds me of mankind's entitlement to the things of earth, as though its all here to revolve around our uses, no matter how petty or unnecessary
Fe where?
Beta/Aristocratic where?
Idealism isn't N, neither is having the empathy to care about living things.
I have little to no tolerance for purely theoretical conversation, topics, etc. They have to have some practical/concrete outcome.
My N friends say I struggle to see connections.
I suck at planning/scheduling, partly because I don't know how things will develop over time.
I have a good grip on Se.
I'm not closing you down or being defensive, but you're going to have to make a better case than quoting some strong empathy if you want anyone to accept that. Feel free to move this convo to my type me thread, which theres a link to in my one blog.
I'll be honest though, I think perhaps you're underestimating non Ni types if you think that was 4D Ni.
Who are you the alt of though? I won't engage in further discussion with you unless I know.
EDIT
LOL Going through your posts I realized you just type everyone as IEI. Now it makes more sense.
Last edited by Fluffy Princess Unicorn; 02-19-2022 at 11:01 PM.
Warning: female stuff (other women: should I be going to the doctor for this?)
Similar to what @one said, checking for life changes, stress, how it develops... you can write it down and bring it to the doctor if you end up going, will help figure things out.
We aren't doctors, and even doctors couldn't diagnose from a forum posts, and if one did, run away.
Hope you get well soon.
True. Thanks.
IDK, ovarian cysts are common in my family, and my mother always ignored mine (except when she thought I was faking to stay home from school, then she was overdramatic and made me go to the ER...whatever, it was her wallet), so I've always thought of them as no big deal...but now that I'm older, I realize she may have just been being a shitty mom (like always). The internet makes a big deal of everything as well, though...like you look up something stupid, like rashes, and it's all, "U MaY hAvE cAnCeR"....lol. I guess I'll ask a doctor whether it's a reason for concern. I get cysts a lot, this won't be the last.
I have a pretty bad cold atm. I think I’m gonna drag myself up to wfh today coz I get antsy taking too many days off. I can take it easy though. Uh in more serious news I had a bit of an OCD relapse recently. It’s so hard to get back on track. I’m going to do better this week.
edit: not doing that much better. Today I am going to go for a run, even though I still feel a bit unwell as I think it will help me to level out the anxiety, or at least has a good chance of helping.
Last edited by Bethanyclaire; 03-03-2022 at 10:23 AM.
Oh great, face massage isn't for me.
My tear ducts got hurt and now they are blocked and causing inflamation.
Thankfully, it will resolve itself in a few days.
I wonder if crying would help or make things worse.
pee.