All advice greatly appreciated by this new lurker

[grumpyvic81]

Hey all, after some lurking I decided to post a type me thread. I would like to post more on the forum in general too. So, I'm between the two STj types for myself, it could go either way as it is now. I can relate to several information elements and quadra values for both, etc. Any other suggestions welcome too, but these are the types I'm considering now. I would be interested in subtypes as well. In Enneagram I typed myself as an E1 of the more openly angry and forceful variant. Again, all suggestions are welcome for Enneagram too.

The 81 in my nick is not to do with my age/birth year but I'm in my 30s, female.

I'd rather not post a photo/video for now (not yet), but I'll make up for it by a description about how I am... & Going to post answers to some of the questionnaire I've seen.




Firstoff what I look like & how I come off. What I'm usually told by others: I look present, I make other people feel present too. I've been told I can have a calming effect too. I've also been told that I sometimes make real sudden very energetic movements, I walk crazy fast even tho' I'm not flexible or light at all, and that I look stiff. I agree with all this yeah. (Not light: I don't mean weight-wise. I mean my way of walking and movements.) I'm also often told I dress really well or even extravagantly and yeah that's true too. (The extravagant stuff is not the default but I love to get into that too.) The one other thing I've been told that I found interesting and strange was that I look like I have something kind of "weird" about me, something that the average person doesn't have to them. The person couldn't really tell me what they meant by it, it was an impression but it uh, does fit my life pretty well.

Socially I come off either observant but detached, aloof or I may even look really closed and entirely disinterested - I am NOT disinterested, it just looks like it but I'll be the first to help or take action if needed - or instead I'll be really engaged, enthusiastic, opinionated and sometimes charming; alternatively when a goal or task is the focus with people instead of socialising, I come off impatient, decisive, easily forceful and outright commanding. I am overall definitely ambiverted however: I do small talk easily and enjoy it with people in social interaction. I also find it easy to discuss business or to get others to do things by using simple enough language. No need to think deeply much for those so it's all easy. However, when I speak about a more complex topic, I will be seen pausing for short times and thinking frequently but I'm actually uncomfortable doing so. The problem with this one is, I seem to come off to some people like I need to be made to talk more and then they make me talk about all these deeper topics needing more thinking, sigh. I just go along with it out of social conscientiousness really. I really just don't like to speak while thinking. I'm way more about action, tasks and goals than talking in general. Yes socially too I enjoy action more, i.e. doing things together instead of talking too long. But I'm willing to talk about "deep topics" if I'm close with someone or the topic is really interesting. And I am completely fine with thinking in detail and thoroughly about tasks when I work on things alone. Just not when speaking in a social setting ...



My main values: always keep moving forward, meeting challenges, achievement, goals, never being aimless, focus, logic, control, forcefulness, moving fast, persistence&perseverance, independence, effort, commitment, consistency, objectivity&truth, competitiveness, excelling, adaptability, adventure, physical and mental strength, toughness, discipline, decisiveness, directness&straightforwardness, never backing down from conflict, hard work&always working on something, doing things fast and efficiently, not wasting time, doing things well&thoroughness, finishing tasks and projects, high expertise&knowledge, very deep detailed understanding, scientific knowledge and scientific progress, intelligence, material things, social success&achievement, prestige, social conscientiousness, social helpfulness, societal progress and contribution to that, respect, self-respect, being right but also openness, fairness, impartial analysis, logical deduction, principles, justice, integrity, willingness to revenge&punish when justified&necessary, reliability, accountability, self-education, attentiveness, connection&meaningful deep long-term relationships, intimacy, devotion, intensity, patience, emotional&empathetic assertiveness, meaning&purpose, empowerment, subjective truth, spirituality, continual improvement&self-actualising.

(If I didn't forget something above... this is roughly my list tho'.)

I tried to sum it all up as: Live a full life because that is more challenge than what the average person does with their life. Have enough real purpose in this full life or it's not going to be a full life. Be useful to society, that's part of the purpose. Have a good status in society, be happy with people, find your people and find your place even if that actually means wandering instead of a set place. Keep improving yourself intellectually, psychologically and spiritually. Overall, never give up on your goals that include the above; set lofty visions and realise them long term. And don't ever shy away from finding and seeing the truth, keep objective, and well, fair.

But more on values.

In practice I get really angry & so clearly my values are violated if someone's unreliable, irresponsible, lazy, unfair, selfish, has a lack of basic conscience, disloyal, has "commitment issues", emotionally manipulative, takes advantage of or fucks with others by shitting on their hard work or lives as an outright parasite. Additionally, I don't tolerate passive aggressiveness and silent treatment.

Moral issues I'm extremely intolerant about: the person automatically blames others for their own shit instead of taking responsibility and yes, willingness to bear guilt, when they have actually done something truly wrong and are called out on that. Another main example that makes me see red is if someone lives like a parasite instead of actually DOING something, doing hard enough work even if not for a high pay - yes I value people who don't do "productive" work, e.g. artists etc - just DO and actually produce something for a real life goal and not just sit on your lazy ass complaining all day. I used to deal in a really rough way with such people. Just in general lack of reliability is also a big trigger, if you promise shit, and repeatedly break your promise. Lack of basic social conscientiousness is the other big trigger. If someone plain doesn't give a shit to contribute socially in any way whatsoever. I see those people as real weak losers and stupid. Also if the person plain does not keep basic moral and emotional limits or especially, acting fake doing emotional manipulation to get what they want. People who lean towards polyamory, or have an inability to understand attachment and deep love also make my stomach turn or worse. The biggest sin is if you are emotionally unreliable.



Here's a few more answers to the questionnaire.

"6. Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?"

Yes, I always loved the topic of medicine even as a kid. Never worried about the horrible diseases, lol. I'm focused on my body enough to take care of it, I like my comforts. I find health important, that's a no-brainer. Physical, mental and emotional health&hygiene alike. Yes, there's such a thing as mental or emotional hygiene, too. Normally I'm also highly focused on my body for sports training (I am competitive).


"7. What do you think of daily chores?"

A normal part of life. I find cooking a waste of time, I only cook basic foods. I'm fine with washing up/taking care of the dishwasher, doing the laundry, vacuuming etc. I'm fine with running errands. Nothing exciting ofc.


"10. Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?"

Anywhere, especially if I'm navigating, especially in a new area.


"11. What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?"

I don't recall anyone specifically mentioning weaknesses about me. They usually criticise my being too aggressive, too pushy, too choleric/temperamental, my disagreeableness, being "dogmatic" (what bullshit), my lack of sensitivity, my being too rigid, too cold, too distant, lack of empathy, lack of "proper behaviour", whatever.

I don't really care about all those criticisms tbh. Some of the criticism is subjective too i.e. not everyone sees it that way, or it's seen in an exaggerated black and white way, or the person plain failed to understand that e.g. pushiness or rigidity was needed in the given situation. Etc. Overall everyone has their negative side. I've accepted mine. I only dislike that I got too angry even for my liking lately. Emotionally I'd been a mess lately. I'll work on that tho' to fix it completely, am getting back emotional control already.

One more note. I sometimes was previously told that I'm very sensitive, too. It wasn't called a weakness but I would see it as that for myself. It never made sense when I'd get called that, lol. I'm not sensitive in the same way most people are, it's different for me due to my strong independence. Emotional dependence would frankly be the thing I would dislike the most about myself if I fell into that. Yes I mean dependence in the wrong way. Being vulnerable in a way that leads nowhere and blah blah.


"12. What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?"

Well just take the positive side of all those traits above. Being forceful when that's helpful, being (very) logical, decisiveness, knowing when to take action, ability to keep calm and collected, and supportive of those who feel lost. Ohh and overall lack of "proper behaviour", when it gives extra advantages to get to a goal, ofc then it's suddenly good too, ha ha.


"13. In what areas of your life would you like help?"

I used to think I'd need help in the area of feelings and relationships. Wrong. No. I can do all that myself. Do not rely on others to spoonfeed you anything, you go and improve on your own issues instead of waiting for the magical help.

So yeah, I can deal with all those soft feelz just fine, and if cannot with some of them yet, I will be able to find a way in future. I have no fears here. I also used to have an issue not dealing with some intense emotions but just withdrawing from them, same category now.

It really is freeing to experience having gone through hell and then learning you can keep your independence after all and that you do not actually need the input from others even in the seemingly most hopeless issues. No one could have helped me anyway in those issues. Even if some people tried to convince me otherwise, they were wrong on this.

Then apart from that, I sometimes would (almost) like help with planning things better, but heck, I manage OK on my own. Like, I can improve on how to make the most efficient plans without being too rigid about them. That's a doable thing. I do get too rigid if I'm not careful. Like extremely rigid. Until I figure out how to be flexible again while keeping the plan. Or I forget about planning in something but that's usually not a real bad issue. I've learnt so much in this area too.

I mean, the worst part would be planning issues when it involved others in very close relationships. That, that would always backfire really bad for me eventually. Majorly bit me in the ass several times. But yeah, I've learnt a lot.

And then. I'll add this here. That I used to believe I can and should help a lot with getting people to do things and achieving their goals. Nah. They can learn to motivate themselves. I'm done spoonfeeding anyone. Not gonna overstep sensible boundaries with this, no matter how close a relationship may be. The exact same approach as for myself above.

Yeah, yeah, I enjoyed helping people like that - secretly it was also giving me a good excuse to kick people's asses hard when feelin' like it - but nah. It does not benefit anyone in the long run to depend on others too much. So just fuck that, I say. I don't like overly dependent people anyway, even if they gave the best excuse to dole out some rough kicks, it was too easy and if they were too accepting of that treatment, then it would get boring being able to utterly control such people overall. : p


"14. Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it."

No uh. I keep moving forward. I don't believe in ruts. It is all up to your resilience. And your belief in meaning and purpose. Keep yourself empowered.


"15. What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?"

Ah, for dislikes see the values section above. But a recap: lack of reliability, major irresponsibility and "commitment issues", emotional manipulativeness, selfishness, unfairness, passive aggressiveness, silent treatment, laziness, aimlessness&lack of drive, parasitic lifestyle, lack of remorse&guilt.

For likes, eh, the opposite of the above. Reliability, taking commitments seriously, keeping promises, empathy, ability for devotion, fairness, enough assertiveness to not be passive aggro (!!!!), a drive and sense of purpose, and actually DOING things.

Emotionally, I'm repeating myself but I like emotionally reliable and consistent people. Consistency in the basic attitudes. That's a must for any kind of close relationship that includes commitment. Close enough friendship, romantic relationship. Sure it sounds like a basic requirement but I expect this more than many people.

& Bonus, I'm particularly attracted to elegance in general: in looks, in social behaviour, in terms of emotionality and in terms of intelligence etc. I do like also people who can make things interesting in general, again it's socially, emotionally, intellectually and so on. A sense of adventure also never hurts.


I don't know what types I get along with. The generalities are, I like logical people because they are drama-free, and I like emotional people because they are interesting, lol sometimes drama is interesting too. Overall I also like practical enough people who still have a sense&ability to "see beyond face value", since I hardly can so this is useful and interesting as well. It can also be enchanting but I frankly don't know which type of Intuition that is.


"16. How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?"

Yeah, romance/sex are needed in what I've just called a romantic relationship.

Qualities as above, just in a romantic context. Emotionally, I used to be more relaxed, and I don't mind nonserious flirting and the like, but if it gets more serious, I'm a nazi about reliability and the rest I mentioned. Good character and them actually loving me is important overall.

I plan to get more relaxed again, as much as possible anyhow, atm kinda experimenting still overall about what kind of partner I'd want to really commit to. Like, yeah, I haven't done that final commitment myself either. Just dating and living together is what I've had commitment about. That sortof thing.


"17. If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?"

Ensure their development in every major area and their success in life - they would be allowed to choose their own purpose, direction, life path etc of course.

***


Thanks again for any answers!!