Want to fit into this typology system, but at the same time just want to be happy

[Ada]

English is not my mother tongue.

Hello everyone, I am Ada, new here, although I've registered for quite a long time.

It's been a year or two since I knew Socionics and wanted to find my place in this system. I don't know why, maybe it's a Ti thing. I've done a lot of tests (nearly all of them) and results differ: ESI, EII, LII, IEI, and recently LSI. Wikisocion and the16types.info are the most viewed websites in my browser history (maybe exaggeration). Am I desperate? Yes, a little. It's like a life-or-death battle. If I can't get who I am, I die.

To be honest, I want to be IEI. Not only because it sounds nice but also it gives me hope for future. I feel dead internally, nearly all the time. Is it a LSI thing? To feel nihilistic? Without meaning? Maybe Ni hidden-agenda? Or just a mental-health problem? I have few friends. The most intimate friend told me that I was too aloof and people found me somehow unapproachable. This makes me sad, really really really sad. I want to fill my life with people and laughter and happiness but I am too socially undeveloped to achieve that. However, I can endure loneliness. Being solitary doesn't scare me, because I can always find things to do, or just force myself to do things. Is this Se? For half a year, I drew every day just for drawing. Recently, I write fiction every day just for writing. All alone. It's not for some goal, just to keep myself alive, spiritually. Life is disappointing and people disappoint me.

Most of the time I am unemotional, I think? But strangers find me sweet and lovely. I can say very harsh things to people, including my intimate ones. I am not hesitant to cut people out of my life and disappear for good. It feels bad but I can't help doing that. Metaphorical suicide. It's easy for me to open up to strangers, but hard for me to be honest with people I care most. Always, I am friends with some stranger day one and refuse to reply to their messages day two. Day one, I imagine this person is the perfect one. Day two, disappointed. Perfectionist? Maybe. The world is ugly, and beauty is rare.

I want just platonic relationships with men, but they always want to just fuck me. As a people-pleaser, I don't want to hurt others' feelings, therefore even when I am sure the guy just wants to fuck me and I hate it, I still can't say no to his invitation to hung out. I use excuses and lies, but in the end I still get controlled, get into the taxi, get forced to drink, get drunk, get molested, and get broken. In this regard, I wish I am LSI, a powerful girl who can protect herself from any sort of harm.

I always feel insecure and paranoid. When I was young, I thought I would die any second. The train I was in would fall apart. The bus I was in would crash into buildings. The airplane would fall. When I was hysterical, my whole body would shake in an uncontrollable way and I couldn't make myself stop crying. I thought I would die of heart-attack. Maybe it's just a panic thing.

I thought I was IEI, because I am too emotional in certain ways, compared to all the people I know. But I am also dry and unemotional in other certain ways. I thought I was LII or EII, because I could be childlike and gullible. Some just love teasing me with lies. I thought I was LSI, because I am harsh, dry, aloof and intimidating. I can't smile in front of cameras, and my eyes in pictures are dead more than often. Mom asked me, "who are you trying to scare?" Plus, I can imagine myself being a cool LSI . Being an emotionally expressive IEI? Just too tiring. But being an unemotional LSI? Too nihilistic. Makes me want to take my life.

By the way, I hate negative emotions, either in me or in others. I don't like it when people complain. If you want something but can't get it, just be more persistent and try harder. Stop complaining and whining. Even if you can't achieve your dream no matter what you do, you won't regret it. I admire people who can stick to their dreams and never waver. Because I am always hesitant and undecided. I want destiny, grandiosity, God's call, a holy cause, whatever you name it. I cried a lot watching The Young Pope. I wish God could tell me what to do, what I was born for. Jesus Christ, Abraham, Joan of Arc……Really, I envy them.

Whatever I am doing, I am prone to imagine it to be something bigger, evil or good. When I was in elementary school, I got all girls in my class into a "procession" in school ground, to show support for my mother country in that year's FIFA World Cup. Just because boys thought Argentina would win (Argentinians, no offence.) I know it's silly. The procession ended in me slapping the boys' leader. The second I slapped him, I cried ^_^. That's the most unthinkable thing I've ever done in my life. As I grow older, my bones become softer (a metaphor?)

It's hard for me to end a monologue like this. It feels incomplete and too random. My brain is always a mess, like clouds or just a pathetic bunch of tangled un-untangle-able threads. I like dialogues more because they are thought-provoking. Therefore, enough of me and please type me.

PS: I don't like my sad and dead tone in this post, but I AM sad and dead when writing it. And it smells narcissism.
PPS: Happy New Year! ^_^.