Attachment style vs Duality showdown!

[Adam Strange]

Does having a primarily secure attachment style cover "a multitude of sins" in a relationship, such as not being an ideal intertype relation? Just how significant is a secure attachment style, in your view? More powerful than duality? Or does it vary person to person?

I'm curious to hear any of your experiences with duality/insecurely attached individuals vs. non-duality/securely attached individuals. Or just words of wisdom...

The Story
It's on my mind after having several electrifying dates with an SLE-Ti. I'm 34, and prior to him have had no experience dating my dual. While I knew beyond doubt he was my dual, I also recognized quickly that he was not in a healthy place emotionally and had not done much work around his attachment style (fearful avoidant I'm guessing) or core wounds from family. It's not surprising that an SLE wouldn't have put in as much emotional/intuitive/healing work into themselves as an IEI by now, but I could see that he was rather volatile and unnecessarily combative, which didn't create feelings of safety in me. I knew I had to walk before getting too heavily invested. It was difficult (putting it mildly), because it's rare for me to feel such a strong connection to someone on all levels.

By contrast, I've had dates with non-duals, like a current SEI (who is very sweet) where I instantly feel safe, seen, valued, etc. He doesn't take offense or fly off the handle over small things. He doesn't take things personally.

Basically, he's Secure. And these people are such a breath of fresh air to me. A sigh of relief. It's a feeling I KNOW I want to have in my next relationship.

However, while I feel great peace and stability and self-worth with this SEI, I also don't feel particularly energized or drawn to him the way I do my dual. And I don't mean I need that "living-on-the-edge" adrenaline rush that unhealthy relationships tend to have. I mean what's missing is the Beta value of joining forces around a specific mission, of building a vision together that will propel us both forward. It feels like that would leave me unsatisfied/held back in the long run, though it feels peaceful now.

So it's a bit of a quandary for me. Do I just keep praying I'll one day meet that unicorn, an emotionally healthy, Secure SLE who happens to share my core beliefs? Haha, even typing that made me chuckle.

(As a side note, my longest-lasting friendships have mostly been with people I identify as Secure attachment--and a couple Fearful Avoidants--even if they're in the opposing quadra. Whereas I've had quick fallouts with same-quadra folks where our attachment styles triggered each other).

@Emily, I think you summed it up pretty well. We exchange information most constructively with duals, and form the most stable emotional bonds with Secures.

I'm a huge fan of duality, as anyone who has read any of my posts knows. I've had a bunch of GF's, and believe me, nothing clicks like duality. So much so that I've rejected some very solid offers from non-duals in order to not waste my time in an endeavor that can only go so far.

I happen to test as a Secure and I was married to an Avoidant, and in the years we were together, I made her more Secure and she made me more Anxious. Maybe that's a compromise you are willing to make, IDK. I no longer am willing to do that. Since attachment styles are formed in very early childhood, you are dealing with a very ingrained structure in that person. They are not going to change easily, no matter how much love and understanding (and basically just good parenting) you give them.

I don't know how old you are, but I suggest that you find a Secure mate as soon as possible. After age 30, 80% of the Secures have been locked up in very stable relationships and are out of the dating pool, leaving only the Anxious and Avoidant to endlessly cycle through bad marriages. I'm over 30 and I'm looking for an intelligent, Secure ESI, and it seems that there are none available. Horribly enough, when I do see a woman who VI's ESI and who looks well-adjusted and I message her online, I get no response, which I attribute to the perceived differences between the areas in which Duals normally operate. Online and on paper, Duals are from different planets. It is only in real life that they see something in each other.

All relationships are compromises. You just have to decide which things you are willing to give up, in order to have anything at all before the opportunities vanish forever.

Best of luck to you.