Adventures in Dating

[Adam Strange]

Holy shit. I just found a picture of an old lover and she VIs ESI.

At the time, I was drunk almost all of the time and I thought she was selfish, so I broke up with her. Her selfishness wasn't projection. Oh, no.

[Bethanyclaire]

I had a date with an SLI the other day. He was ok but part way through the date I decided I probably wouldn’t see him again. On the way home he all of a sudden kissed me and it was very intense and dramatic in the middle of a crowded spot. It helped me figure out he was SLI.

I’m also in the middle of a texting friendship with an SEI guy. Met in a club a while ago and I thought he could be a nice friend. He also reminded me of the previous SEI guy I liked, though maybe a nicer version. Need to find out if he’s actually available but think I might be starting to like him a bit.

Also randomly chatting to a guy on an app who seems like obvious SLE. He looks pretty hot but I can’t tell yet how good his English is. Hmm.

[Adam Strange]

I have a dating profile on Match that basically reads like the post I made in the "Pros and Cons of Dating You" thread. Pretty hard-core Te, not much Fi.

Today I logged on to my Match account and found a message from "Sunny". "I like your straightforward manner. Maybe we should see how our lists add up."

She's blond and drives a red convertible and has a graduate degree and a close up picture of her lips, also done in red. I didn't see a knife anywhere, but I think this duck is an SEI.

If so, she's about the tenth SEI who has messaged me.

I really need some advice from an ESI on how to write a profile that attracts ESIs.

[End]

I have a dating profile on Match that basically reads like the post I made in the "Pros and Cons of Dating You" thread. Pretty hard-core Te, not much Fi.

Today I logged on to my Match account and found a message from "Sunny". "I like your straightforward manner. Maybe we should see how our lists add up."

She's blond and drives a red convertible and has a graduate degree and a close up picture of her lips, also done in red. I didn't see a knife anywhere, but I think this duck is an SEI.

If so, she's about the tenth SEI who has messaged me.

I really need some advice from an ESI on how to write a profile that attracts ESIs.

I'm gonna be direct with ya dude. The big filter is gonna be those with healthy vs unhealthy attachment. You don't want just any ESI, you want a healthy ESI that will bond with/to you in a way so deep you likely don't think it even possible. I am sadly still working through how to make a profile that'll attract a healthy SEE though so I cannot help you all that much yet.

I'm already relatively certain my future wife is probably a pretty assertive tomboy kind of girl. As in, if I do find out how to make said profile I'm going to end up meeting said assertive tomboy on our first date and also end up putting a ring on that. I could be wrong but I've already found out the hard way that doubting my instincts tend to end badly. Fortunately for me that while such women aren't my "ideal" they are still in my top 5 kinds of girls that really rev my engine.

Still working on this but I will dutifully report my results. I want to help everyone I can and I do feel a bit of a debt towards you @Adam Strange. After all, though you disagree with me on a lot of things you at least don't seek to actively malign me. A rare experience from my end I must say sadly...

[Adam Strange]

I'm gonna be direct with ya dude. The big filter is gonna be those with healthy vs unhealthy attachment. You don't want just any ESI, you want a healthy ESI that will bond with/to you in a way so deep you likely don't think it even possible. I am sadly still working through how to make a profile that'll attract a healthy SEE though so I cannot help you all that much yet.

I agree, @End. I am coming to see that finding an ESI isn't all that hard, but finding one that has a Secure attachment style, is intelligent and attractive and likes me, is a much bigger hurdle.

I'm already relatively certain my future wife is probably a pretty assertive tomboy kind of girl. As in, if I do find out how to make said profile I'm going to end up meeting said assertive tomboy on our first date and also end up putting a ring on that. I could be wrong but I've already found out the hard way that doubting my instincts tend to end badly. Fortunately for me that while such women aren't my "ideal" they are still in my top 5 kinds of girls that really rev my engine.

Still working on this but I will dutifully report my results.

I wish you luck in this endeavor. I have a great ILI friend who met the SEE of his dreams in high school and was unable to even talk to her. (She was my lab partner in Chemistry. I liked her. She pretended to be a ditz, but she was actually really smart and had great values.) He never found another woman like her, sad to say. You have the advantage of superior knowledge here.

I want to help everyone I can and I do feel a bit of a debt towards you @Adam Strange. After all, though you disagree with me on a lot of things you at least don't seek to actively malign me. A rare experience from my end I must say sadly...

Well, thank you. I happen to appreciate your viewpoints, even though you're right; I don't agree with all of them. But I think we are all groping towards truth and happiness as best we can.

[MissDucki]

I have a dating profile on Match that basically reads like the post I made in the "Pros and Cons of Dating You" thread. Pretty hard-core Te, not much Fi.

Today I logged on to my Match account and found a message from "Sunny". "I like your straightforward manner. Maybe we should see how our lists add up."

She's blond and drives a red convertible and has a graduate degree and a close up picture of her lips, also done in red. I didn't see a knife anywhere, but I think this duck is an SEI.

If so, she's about the tenth SEI who has messaged me.

I really need some advice from an ESI on how to write a profile that attracts ESIs.

First, lowkey love that I have become the poster child of SEI.

Secound, unless you know sococincs, most people really don’t dual seek. Rather, they look for people that are similar to themselves. Try writing more stuff about yourself in a Fi/Se way or try and come across like an SLI as a lot of ESI end up with an SLI (my parents included). I think you will get more engagement from ESI’s.

[Adam Strange]

So I've been talking to this woman on Match who is a blonde with a red convertible. She looks SEI but I wasn't 100% sure, so we've been texting. Her writing style really, really reminds me of @MissDucki. She said she likes smart men who are monogamous, and she tests for relationship chemistry with a kiss. No chemistry, no relationship.

When I said I was monogamous when I commit, she said "Then this is your lucky day." <= SEI aggression. Lol.

I told her that I was texting her from work and had to get back to it, and she called me a "naughty boy". <= SEI Caretaking of Infantiles.

Damn, my time on this forum has been very well spent, in the sense that it is enabling me to avoid train wrecks.

I'm gonna have to meet her for coffee and end it.

A few LIE jokes should do the trick, and then she can move on with her pride intact.

[lkdhf qkb]

When I said I was monogamous when I commit, she said "Then this is your lucky day." <= SEI aggression. Lol.

I told her that I was texting her from work and had to get back to it, and she called me a "naughty boy". <= SEI Caretaking of Infantiles.

Sorry to bust in, but that doesn't sound like SEI actually. SEI doesn't do aggression(other than emotional). That's more like ESE or SEE.

[lkdhf qkb]

I've noticed that introverts often date and marry other introverts, but that only few extraverts date/marry each other.

[Aria]

Sorry to bust in, but that doesn't sound like SEI actually. SEI doesn't do aggression(other than emotional). That's more like ESE or SEE.

I'm trying to imagine my SEI friend calling someone a "naughty boy" immediately over a dating app and it makes me laugh.

[Adam Strange]

Sorry to bust in, but that doesn't sound like SEI actually. SEI doesn't do aggression(other than emotional). That's more like ESE or SEE.

I'm trying to imagine my SEI friend calling someone a "naughty boy" immediately over a dating app and it makes me laugh.

Thanks, guys. I think you’re right. She claims to be an extrovert, so ESE makes more sense than SEI.

I have a hard time telling SEI and ESE apart if I’m not in the same room with them.

And being called a “naughty boy” definitely creeped me out. This clearly shows the importance of the Erotic Attitudes.

[Adam Strange]

I've noticed that introverts often date and marry other introverts, but that only few extraverts date/marry each other.

Introverts fear being overwhelmed by extroverts, and extroverts don’t want to share the stage.

[Adam Strange]

Thanks, guys. I think you’re right. She claims to be an extrovert, so ESE makes more sense than SEI.

I have a hard time telling SEI and ESE apart if I’m not in the same room with them.

And being called a “naughty boy” definitely creeped me out. This clearly shows the importance of the Erotic Attitudes.

OK, I didn't have to have coffee with her, she called me for a live convo. She's a clinical psychologist and has Fe Caregiving all over the map and is definitely an ESE.

In my profile, I said I was looking for an ISFJ and she had taken the Myers-Briggs test and she misread my target Match as ESFJ. So we talked about Socionics and past relationships and I told her that her best match was an LII and she said she might have dated a guy like that for two years, but she didn't like him all that much.

She said he was an introverted alcoholic who didn't want to spend money and had to be dragged out to places and never seemed to enjoy himself when he was out.

I said that a Dual is best, but Duals differ in their health. There are good ones out there.

She said that the most important feature in a guy is physical and mental health, because she's healthy and she wants a guy who can keep up. I agree with her on that.

So, LII guys, a word to the wise. If you want an ESE, cut back on the drinking and be at least a bit willing to step out on the town every once in a while.

I liked her. She was smart and fun. But definitely not for me.

[MissDucki]

So I've been talking to this woman on Match who is a blonde with a red convertible. She looks SEI but I wasn't 100% sure, so we've been texting. Her writing style really, really reminds me of @MissDucki. She said she likes smart men who are monogamous, and she tests for relationship chemistry with a kiss. No chemistry, no relationship.

When I said I was monogamous when I commit, she said "Then this is your lucky day." <= SEI aggression. Lol.

I told her that I was texting her from work and had to get back to it, and she called me a "naughty boy". <= SEI Caretaking of Infantiles.

Damn, my time on this forum has been very well spent, in the sense that it is enabling me to avoid train wrecks.

I'm gonna have to meet her for coffee and end it.

A few LIE jokes should do the trick, and then she can move on with her pride intact.

Well, I am glad my posting can inspire other conflictors to avoid me Man, it always makes me curious when people say I remind them of something. Makes me sweat LOL. She ended up being ESE I know from you other post. Though, I do highlight the parts I do relate too/would do. Though...calling someone a naughty boy right off the gates aint my style That is more so after some time in the bedroom to make him blush

Anyways....the hunt continues! I hope you don't find another duck

[Baqer]

I told her that I was texting her from work and had to get back to it, and she called me a "naughty boy". <= SEI Caretaking of Infantiles.

Alright here me out not even mention of "age play" or whatever means caretaker/infantile. I don't care what stage of a realationship i'm in, being called a "naughty boy" would make me throw up a little.

[Adam Strange]

Alright here me out not even mention of "age play" or whatever means caretaker/infantile. I don't care what stage of a realationship i'm in, being called a "naughty boy" would make me throw up a little.

I can understand that, @Baqer. However, she referred to me in little kid terms two or three other times, so I think that's how she prefers her men.

I didn't really like it, since I have a strong, reflexive aversion to being mothered, but maybe some people do like it. She certainly acted as if talking that way was natural for her, and I didn't get the impression that she was trying to offend me. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I have almost zero experience with ESE females, but I have a LOT of experience with LSE women, and she kind of had the same kind of "I'm going to caretaker you to within an inch of your life" thing going as they do, except instead of being all unintuitive logic, it was uninsightful Feeling.

Hard to describe. Not my cup of tea, but she was trying hard to be a good person.

[EUDAEMONIUM]

I like to be called a naughty boy.

[Aquamarine]

Lol that naughty boy thing is so cringe to me. I can't imagine somebody saying that.

[EUDAEMONIUM]

Lol that naughty boy thing is so cringe to me. I can't imagine somebody saying that.

I've never been called that, but I would imagine I would like it. I am usually called much worse names lol.

[Poptart]

I went on a date with an ILE last night. It was bad. We didn’t click at all and he gave off this “too cool for school”/hipster-y vibe which I didn’t appreciate. Also, I felt like I was asking most of the questions and he didn’t really ask anything about me. Not every dual can be you soulmate I guess lol.

Back to square one for me.

[Robin Gosens]

This glacier of hundred thousand angel littering carousels for the boy girl matrimony splash aims a nexus of proposals with dungeon masking cube bulldozers makes me dream and fantasize about my date in heaven’s imagination land for puzzle snakes and Great Wall of China roads you walk to get in on the action with that Bunny at the end of the Rainbow!!

[Park]

I don't date; I spend time with people I like and build relationships of various nature, character, and strength. Fuck any and all artificial interpersonal constructs that have a label, such as "dating."

[Mila]

My first and last date was with my hub and I asked him to go out because I liked him a lot.

[Bethanyclaire]

I really want to meet someone soon. I have been dating/ talking to people and keeping my eyes open and this is where I'm up to. Quite tired, so hope it all makes sense.

1. I've been talking to a dual on/off for about a year. We haven't met in real life, we just got chatting on an app and exchanged numbers. He looks reasonably good-looking and seems confident. However, he keeps annoying me and I keep telling myself I'm not interested anymore but then he pops up again in my head. He moved away during the pandemic so it's not easy to meet. I think he could grow on me, although he is a bit annoying. (Too cheeky).

2. I recently accidentally met an SLI. We matched on an app and I thought he might be SLE. He told me he was moving away but wanted to meet and I agreed to meet him. He was kinda awkward, reasonably good-looking but had 'something' about him that was a bit cute. He told me he liked me. He has moved away but it's only for a year for study and he lives 'in a van' so he could travel I guess and he said he was up for visiting each other. He seems ambitious which was attractive. He was also a little bit annoying, he was too forward basically lol.

I THINK I could probably just about handle the annoyingness of either of the above. I've had some practice.

3. I have just started talking to a cute SEE online. We're having a very nice convo. He seems normal.

4. I have been chatting to an SEI for the last 6 months by text. I thought we were just friends as he mentioned he had a girlfriend but he is messaging me a lot now and he turned up on a night out I was on recently. Not sure what's going on but if he did become single, I might be interested. He seems like a nice boy.

It could be that I match with someone new altogether tomorrow but I feel like I need to take some action. I need to sleep on what that action may be...its nice to feel like I am meeting some 'maybes' at least. Maybe they will all still be maybes for a while.

[End]

OK, I didn't have to have coffee with her, she called me for a live convo. She's a clinical psychologist and has Fe Caregiving all over the map and is definitely an ESE.

Damnit, a golden opportunity for a much sought after datapoint of mine missed! If only you could have mentioned Attachment issues to her and gotten her feedback. I'd have loved to have gotten my conflictor's opinion on that shit. Especially with how women are way more receptive to it being a thing and acting on it than men are.

It's a sneaking suspicion of mine that psychologists are intentionally not taught about them specifically to ensure that most of us don't get fixed sans meds (though I must add that the meds don't actually fix shit permanently as if I popped a pill once to a dozen times and would be done with it/cured well, ask me about a cure for cancer and what will happen to you if you discovered it and it only cost 20 bucks). Not sure about what quadra he's in but look up a dude called Adam Lane Smith and his work with attachment issues in adults. He himself is a trained psychologist only he actually wanted to help people instead of push pills.

[lkdhf qkb]

I've stopped going to dates last summer, not because I'm happy to be single, but because dating just made me feel miserable. I decided I prefer using my time to learn to love myself instead of trying to be loved, as corny as that may sound !

[The Reality Denialist]

Also, I felt like I was asking most of the questions and he didn’t really ask anything about me.

They'll never ask. I have been trying to figure out this about myself. I just deduce whole lot about the person in front of me from indirect cues. Like every sentence they say carries whole lot of hidden information when you do correlational analysis on the fly.
Maybe my Fi PoLR.

Not every dual can be you soulmate I guess lol.

Probably wrong approach but dates are wrong way to duality anyway.

[AWellArmedCat]

Matched with a bi sorta goth/emo girl on Tinder and we went out for dinner then made a campfire on the beach. We roasted s'mores and listened to music and just hung out. It was a nice time, and she was cool, but she definitely wasn't my dual. She was very much an introvert and had a sort of slowness to her movements which didn't appeal to me (no real Se to be seen). I'm not entirely sure of her type though, just that she isn't Beta. She laughed easily, but not in the more boisterous way I'm used to hearing from Betas. She didn't really strike me as Fe-valuing, though LII miiiiiight be possible. Anyways, I'm not gonna pursue anything further with her, but I'll stay friends if she wants

[AWellArmedCat]

It's a sneaking suspicion of mine that psychologists are intentionally not taught about them specifically to ensure that most of us don't get fixed sans meds

I definitely can't speak for everyone, but we spent a week on attachment issues in one of my psych courses in college, and my understanding is that those who go into pediatric and family psychology study them further

[AWellArmedCat]

I have almost zero experience with ESE females

My mom's an ESE and she seems to really like referring to pretty much everyone in little kid terms (including herself in a sort of joking "I'm just a girl" way). I feel like ESEs are very stereotypically motherly mothers. She's also got an adventurous streak though. My dad's SEI and they kind of caretaker each other. My home environment growing up was very soft and squishy, and we went on a lot of family vacations which my mom planned every detail of lol

[End]

I definitely can't speak for everyone, but we spent a week on attachment issues in one of my psych courses in college, and my understanding is that those who go into pediatric and family psychology study them further

That is because the PTB would like us all to think they only matter at a young age. That it only affects people at the pediatric level. "You'll grow out of it" they want us all to believe.

I've been trying to get at the root of my most profound vision for decades my dude. This is one of the biggest and most profound. Attachment issues persist and inform the diagnosable disorders you will find as you work with adults. Tell me, an untrained psychology enthusiast who happens to like what few works of Jung he happened to read on a lark what some hypothetical "patient" is experiencing and I bet you body parts I'd rather not lose I can both tell you something you were taught would never work and that it will work if you just trust some rando over a cog in the machine of global control.

I've made my wager. Now do you accept or not?

[anotherguy]

I don't date; I spend time with people I like and build relationships of various nature, character, and strength. Fuck any and all artificial interpersonal constructs that have a label, such as "dating."

I agree with this. The difficulty is often in moving things forward, beyond friendship. On the other hand, I feel that can also be a good test for compatibility. Of course if you're FWB first, maybe its less of an issue. The only good thing about dating is that the conversation about becoming a couple is on the table from the get go. Whether you wanna go through that with a bunch of fucking randoms, well, thats another thing.

[Park]

I agree with this. The difficulty is often in moving things forward, beyond friendship. On the other hand, I feel that can also be a good test for compatibility. Of course if you're FWB first, maybe its less of an issue. The only good thing about dating is that the conversation about becoming a couple is on the table from the get go. Whether you wanna go through that with a bunch of fucking randoms, well, thats another thing.

For what it's worth, I wasn't suggesting that people should fuck around more, be less committed or dedicated to each other, or go about things more slowly, i.e. developing their relationships in multiple stages. I was just expressing my aversion towards imposing form and structure onto interpersonal matters.

I am going to contradict myself here and admit that I like using well defined terms and labels to accurately and succinctly refer to things, but there is something unnatural and inorganic about applying this to interpersonal relationships, like coming up with all these descriptors, reducing the complexity of human interaction down to vaguely yet constrictively defined terminology. I mean, WTF is "dating"? To me, it's one of those things that neither can nor needs to be defined or encapsulated in a word.

Call me weird.

[chriscorey]

They'll never ask. I have been trying to figure out this about myself. I just deduce whole lot about the person in front of me from indirect cues. Like every sentence they say carries whole lot of hidden information when you do correlational analysis on the fly.
Maybe my Fi PoLR.


Probably wrong approach but dates are wrong way to duality anyway.

My EIE best friend pointed this out to me. I never do it. I've been trying to remind myself since he pointed it out, but I still forget. It's like my brain has a blank spot and I try to remind my brain of the blank spot.

It's been years.

[End]

I went on a date with an ILE last night. It was bad. We didn’t click at all and he gave off this “too cool for school”/hipster-y vibe which I didn’t appreciate. Also, I felt like I was asking most of the questions and he didn’t really ask anything about me. Not every dual can be you soulmate I guess lol.

Back to square one for me.

You were trying to bond healthily (somehow) with a broken/unhealthy person it seems. The expectation of reciprocation on your part and their insistence on maintaining a persona on their part no matter what being a key tell. You ask about their needs in an attempt/desire to fulfil them and you likewise expect them to do the same. Except they obsess over yours and attempt to hide any of theirs. Poorly. It's like... they expected you to just read their mind and if they did X amount of nice things for you you'd somehow read their mind and do the thing they desperately wanted you to do for them without ever having to even hint at it.

Am I right? Am I in the ballpark? I can easily imagine how a healthy SEE might try to get me to come out of my shell and how and why I would have sabotaged it until recently. Like I've said elsewhere, the pathway to solving attachment issues is easy as all fuck on paper, but extremely difficult in practice. Again, you are fundamentally asking someone to go against their fight or flight response and roll the dice on you. Dice that spell their doom if they don't side with them. For example, as most of us humans are actually half-decent they will respond in kind to such a request... but only if you go first. Then you say no, no you go first. Then both of you get an anxiety attack as you both try to get the other person to be honest FIRST! So neither of you do and then we get into the realm of speculative fiction where each type regardless of relation murders the other because reasons.

Also, just asking for data collection purposes, you're a straight female right? Sounds like it but I need honesty here. It is one of the prerogatives of an ILI after all. We do love/need/request all the data we can get our hands on. with (especially if we favor ) is like that. The unbidden prophecy is a thing and I'd rather much like to have a better understanding of the "why" behind it.

[Robin Gosens]

I've never been on a date before, but that wires of telepathic mind waves and frequencies from the dark room heavenly theater come crashing and surging in with full volume and effect shows me that snickers bars and French fries have a lot in common, they dance with the Eiffel Tower!!

[Poptart]

You were trying to bond healthily (somehow) with a broken/unhealthy person it seems. The expectation of reciprocation on your part and their insistence on maintaining a persona on their part no matter what being a key tell. You ask about their needs in an attempt/desire to fulfil them and you likewise expect them to do the same. Except they obsess over yours and attempt to hide any of theirs. Poorly. It's like... they expected you to just read their mind and if they did X amount of nice things for you you'd somehow read their mind and do the thing they desperately wanted you to do for them without ever having to even hint at it.

Am I right? Am I in the ballpark? I can easily imagine how a healthy SEE might try to get me to come out of my shell and how and why I would have sabotaged it until recently. Like I've said elsewhere, the pathway to solving attachment issues is easy as all fuck on paper, but extremely difficult in practice. Again, you are fundamentally asking someone to go against their fight or flight response and roll the dice on you. Dice that spell their doom if they don't side with them. For example, as most of us humans are actually half-decent they will respond in kind to such a request... but only if you go first. Then you say no, no you go first. Then both of you get an anxiety attack as you both try to get the other person to be honest FIRST! So neither of you do and then we get into the realm of speculative fiction where each type regardless of relation murders the other because reasons.

Also, just asking for data collection purposes, you're a straight female right? Sounds like it but I need honesty here. It is one of the prerogatives of an ILI after all. We do love/need/request all the data we can get our hands on. with (especially if we favor ) is like that. The unbidden prophecy is a thing and I'd rather much like to have a better understanding of the "why" behind it.

I think you’re in the ballpark. There was more to it that I didn’t mention, like I could tell that he was a heavy drinker. Not that I have a problem with people drinking—it’s just that I want to get married and have kids soon, so I’m not really looking for a drinking buddy Anyway, to answer your question—yes, I’m a straight female.

[Adam Strange]

I got message from another ESE on Match. A new one, different from the one two weeks ago.

Where the fuck are the LIIs? You guys are not running interference for me.

[FreelancePoliceman]

I got message from another ESE on Match. A new one, different from the one two weeks ago.

Where the fuck are the LIIs? You guys are not running interference for me.

I will never use a dating app.

[Adam Strange]

I will never use a dating app.

Just give me your phone number. These women need an outlet.

If it makes any difference, they all look pretty good, say they are great cooks, and are always taking vacations in Paris and the Caribbean.