Would you rather have a dual who..

[Bethanyclaire]

Would you rather have a dual who you really fancy and find really funny?

Or one who understands you on a more intellectual and emotional level?

Or one who is somewhere in between.

I’ve been thinking about how some dual relationships are probably unhealthy, in the same way non dual relationships can be.

I don’t think we can have it all! Really funny, hot, deep, cool..we can’t have them all lol. if you find a dual like that, it might be too all-consuming.

But what do you care about more? Someone understanding you or someone making you smile?

[ContractedCriminalboy]

The latter as well. Someone who makes you laugh pales in comparison to someone who makes you feel understood and cared for. ILEs are good at making me laugh but terrible at the latter while EIIs are terrible at making me laugh but great at the latter and IEEs are good at doing both.

[Ave]

Speaking in terms of real life scenarios now - does these things have to be mutually exclusive?

[SGF]

Would you rather have a dual who you really fancy and find really funny?

Or one who understands you on a more intellectual and emotional level?

Or one who is somewhere in between.

I’ve been thinking about how some dual relationships are probably unhealthy, in the same way non dual relationships can be.

I don’t think we can have it all! Really funny, hot, deep, cool..we can’t have them all lol. if you find a dual like that, it might be too all-consuming.

But what do you care about more? Someone understanding you or someone making you smile?

Would rather have a dual who I really fancy and find really funny.... ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ)

[Bethanyclaire]

Yes, I am being a bit mischievous as I had the ennegram tritypes in mind (sorry I know not everyone might like them) when I was writing this. Still, it's interesting to think about..I mean, when I start dating, after lock down, I want to know what I'm looking for. (After a year+ of typology I want to be better informed than I was before, and less likely to get hurt).

So I was imagining a 369 (funny) and a (845) deep and which one I would choose...or a 826 (a bit deep and a bit funny). The other nice ones (739, 749) well I have a feeling they are the 'all-consuming' ones that would be too good to be true.

Anyway, excuse my silliness. My mind loves to imagine the perfect person lol.

I do think a good dual (regardless of tritype) would be someone who you could connect with emotionally and who would make you laugh (and awesome). But I suppose a dual is more 'healthy' than anything else and it might be unrealistic to expect them to be really funny and really deep and really cool on top of that.

I also think that duals come in very different flavours and well, we can't have them all so, in a ideal world, we would have to pick. If a dual came along..I want to be able to spot them when they're a good one. To be able to go with my instincts (yes, there needs to be physical attraction) but also to not be too harsh. And to stop myself idealising them too quickly. So, I think it helps me to reassure myself that duals are not perfect human beings..

Or non duals even.

I think personally..I'm leaning towards the 'dual who you think is cute and makes you laugh'. Btw when I say cute, I don't mean they have to be the best looking ever, just something 'cute' about them. One 'in between' sounds good too.

[Bethanyclaire]

I thought the first one said "a dual who is really fancy" the first time i responded lol

I think it might be a false dichotomy though because if I "really fancy" someone (meaning I have crush) only then I would even entertain a relationship. And if I already fancy them, it goes without saying I feel like they get me on an emotional/intellectual level at least decently well. It is difficult for me to feel the attraction without emotional connection and even if I did I would rather not follow through without that relational/emotional intimacy. It also heightens sexual attraction for me. It's the clincher, basically.

hahaha a fancy pants dual.

and yeah I hear you, maybe if a dual came along who wasn't 'the whole package' we just wouldn't naturally be attracted to them..

[ouronis]

I dont think you can just have one or the other. Superficial is fun but they may devalue you and deep is good but it lacks the spark necessary for enjoying the relationship

[Bethanyclaire]

I think perhaps, part of the reason I like the idea of a ‘funny’ dual, is because my dad and brothers are funny. My mum is the more serious one and our relationship is more problematic. So I am used to being around funny males and perhaps this makes me feel secure around this type of person (subconsciously).

Same goes for non-duals I guess.

However..I think sometimes I am actually too easily won over by humour and charm :s

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Your dual isn't supposed to understand u that well- it's mostly something where u feel supported by them rather then "understood." Understanding can be overrated as it can bring deep connection- or somebody can know very well how to hurt u and get under ur skin because they understand you so well...

Making somebody laugh can reveal great intimacy- although depends on how they do it. If they are doing it more like this thing where they create this distance between u and they are the entertainer and you're just a faceless person in the audience- that's a very shallow thing and of course you're not going to feel very connected to somebody doing that.

[Bethanyclaire]

@BandD yep, I think it's true that your dual isn't suppose to understand you that well. But compared to relationships with other people/types- you will feel less judged, more cared about and have conversations which help you to understand yourself better? Perhaps this will happen with a good non-dual too. I suppose, it is more like they don't 'misunderstand you'?

[Bethanyclaire]

Yesterday I messaged a dual I met a while ago. I remember he had this cute 'boy next door' vibe about him. Sadly, he's living abroad. No boy next door Estp for me..! Tiny little bit heart broken. Joke, kinda.

Today, I am deciding whether to give my number to a cute, fun looking Estp on an app who didn't message back. Hellooo silly boy.

Have also looked up an interesting person on social media who could be Estp..he looks more the intense, deep type.

At the back of my mind, I'm also wondering about looking up nice non-duals I have met in the past.

Lol, maybe I do not want to be monogamous

[Bethanyclaire]

Making somebody laugh can reveal great intimacy- although depends on how they do it. If they are doing it more like this thing where they create this distance between u and they are the entertainer and you're just a faceless person in the audience- that's a very shallow thing and of course you're not going to feel very connected to somebody doing that.

It's true. Your comment made me think... with some people you laugh at each other's jokes. That's very fun..With other people, the jokes might not be as funny, but you laugh together, the humour is more unexpected- it creeps up on you both.

[ashlesha]

realistically this can't be set up as a dichotomy. if somebody "gets" me, i find them more attractive and they make me laugh more

but i voted for emotional/intellectual connection bcus its kind of a crux

[FreelancePoliceman]

Like @BandD said, I don't think duals understand each other particularly well at all, and they aren't likely to try.

I don't know that I'd marry my dual, but I think understanding each other isn't really important in a relationship. No one's going to fully understand you, and if they did they'd be both bored and repulsed. Better to have someone you get along with well.

[FreelancePoliceman]

i voted for emotional/intellectual connection bcus its kind of a crux

I think that if you're looking for an emotional connection from an LIE you might be looking in the wrong place.

[Adam Strange]

I think that if you're looking for an emotional connection from an LIE you might be looking in the wrong place.

Hey! I'll have you know that I do have feelings.

They are chained up in the basement, gagged and muffled under heavy blankets, and locked behind three solid doors so I can't hear them screaming, but I have them.

[Adam Strange]

Would you rather have a dual who you really fancy and find really funny?

Or one who understands you on a more intellectual and emotional level?

Or one who is somewhere in between.

I’ve been thinking about how some dual relationships are probably unhealthy, in the same way non dual relationships can be.

I don’t think we can have it all! Really funny, hot, deep, cool..we can’t have them all lol. if you find a dual like that, it might be too all-consuming.

But what do you care about more? Someone understanding you or someone making you smile?

OK, I should probably try to answer this, since I posted in this thread. Just so it doesn't look like I'm freeloading.

I don't think I will find a Dual who understands me, either on an intellectual or an emotional level. I've met a bunch of them, and they just don't. The best I can hope for is that they will appreciate my intentions and my help.

I have met Duals whom I really "fancied", but my particular Duals aren't normally funny in any real way. They can be surprising or interesting or inspiring or sympathetic or insightful or almost any other characteristic that a person can have, but I don't usually find them funny. Instead, I find them easy to be around. For, like, hours and hours.

I, of course, offer Te in exchange for their Fi. This means that I can fix their money and efficiency problems and they can love me. I know this sounds like a bad joke, but it's true. Being loved is what I need, and when I find a woman who even likes me, I want to keep and protect her.

If she's a Dual and she lets me all the way in, I'm not giving her up.

I once had sex with a Dual, before I knew about Duality, a long time ago. She told me, while we were intertwined, that I was smiling.
"I smile a lot", I said.
"Not like that, you haven't," and she curled her Fi into my chest.


So, to answer the OP's last question; the latter.

[ashlesha]

I think that if you're looking for an emotional connection from an LIE you might be looking in the wrong place.

Establishing an emotional connection with someone might involve knowing when and when NOT to do things like express care and attention. I'm tired

[Aramas]

Hey! I'll have you know that I do have feelings.

They are chained up in the basement, gagged and muffled under heavy blankets, and locked behind three solid doors so I can't hear them screaming, but I have them.

I do that with my ability to assert myself and be efficient apparently.

[Aramas]

I think that if you're looking for an emotional connection from an LIE you might be looking in the wrong place.

Because LIEs are robots apparently

[Dr PissBender]

The latter as well. Someone who makes you laugh pales in comparison to someone who makes you feel understood and cared for. ILEs are good at making me laugh but terrible at the latter while EIIs are terrible at making me laugh but great at the latter and IEEs are good at doing both.

I want to find an SLI like you, who'd obviously appreciate me since I do both of those, and of course, female, if you ever grow a pussy and look woman-ish, call me.

EDIT: we should be friends, i'd be your wingman.

[Bethanyclaire]

Aw. Yes, it's a silly question isn't it really. But your replies are cute and wise. Yes, I'm not sure I know anyone who really understands me- not that I have really let anyone try. (Perhaps in the past I have felt most 'understood' by an EIE friend). I look forward to finally being able to open up to someone, since getting therapy/discovering typology and sorting my head out. Also..I think this forum seems to do quite an ok job of helping people feel understood..at times

But, I do feel like I have moments with people, where I connect with them deeply and these moments are what sustain the bond between us. Also, the moments of shared laughter are part of this too.

I have a dual friend and have known other duals briefly. The dual I am friends with feels like it could become a deep friendship of sorts. But if she were a guy, I doubt it would be a relationship material type of bond.

Chatting to my new over-seas buddy who I believe is a dual, the chemistry and affection feel immediately apparent. He reminds me of my past Isfp crush (who made me LAUGH and SMILE like no one else but was also meeaaan) and also reminds me of my little brother- who I feel safe with and was the person I turned to when I was at my lowest point regarding the above situation with the Isfp. So, there is something very endearing about this Estp. I mean, who knows, if he was still in the country, it could have been a thing. He is in no way as cool, or interesting as my Isfp crush, but he does remind me of him.. I would describe him as having 'a nice energy' about him..(have met him in real life too).

I haven't met any other duals I see as being compatible. But I can think of a guy who seems like a compatible semi-dual. He seems 'fun' and 'wise'. I'm wondering if this is how a marriage material dual would feel.

I think people are right that a good relationship will include a mix of laughter, emotional intimacy and interesting, helpful conversation. If one thing stands out too too much, then maybe it is not the right balance. And of course, it can take a while to notice all of these things.

Also..I remember reading somewhere that when people are in a dual couple, sometimes they end up reaching out to their friends more, because they realise how much their friends mean to them or something. But maybe it's more like, they are missing that feeling of 'trying to understand' or hoping someone will understand them. Our dual may be practical for us, but it is quite a tender feeling when you share a feeling of sadness with someone and they show some sign of understanding. This probably holds society together, just a much as dual couples do. It also may be what holds non-dual couples together too.

haha @FreelancePoliceman 'bored and repulsed', it's true! The above Isfp I mentioned was probably so mean to me (from my perspective) BECAUSE I reminded him of himself on some level. I have also crushed badly on an Intp who feels like my twin, and there is this bizarre attraction/repulsion feeling I have about him too. Honestly, with both these people, after a while, it feels like being WITH MYSELF, except a slightly/much more meaner version of myself who I don’t know how to argue against. Scary haha.

I dunno if these guys feel the same way about me..I'm not sure I can be friends with either of them tbh. Will see. Sometimes I think there must be people we all feel that way about and have to remove ourselves from them..so these guys may feel it about someone else. Relationships which are sort of a bad ITR within an ITR..Anyway, I digress..

[The Reality Denialist]

Someone who makes me euphorically suicidal or suicidally euphoric. Dunno. It is bit hard to put my mind around this. I'm usually in some sort of goofy ignorant intellectual mode which is kind of hard combo to swallow as a whole. So probably something that creates infinite feedback loop.

[Sol]

"makes you laugh and smile"

Fe. need of Ti types
Fi is other: gives a warmness, wishes good to you, likes you.

> A dual who gets you on an emotional/intellectual level.

More about T. Though T types like to have good intellect in the pair too (as you need to cooperate), just value it lesser than F traits.

> Someone who is somewhere in between

A one who loves, what for LSE is mostly:
Fi - high compassion and emotional acceptance (liking)
Ne - good understanding of what happens inside of me

[Bethanyclaire]

I think that duals can also have a bit of 'edge' to them. If I think of an Estp 8 and Estp 3 I have met (not interested in 7s for the moment)..more than 'funny' or 'deep' they seem to have an edge to them. Like, the humour and the depth is potentially there..but it's not boiling over the surface as I see it..there is a seriousness I sense about the potential interaction with them.

[Lolita]

LOL OMG this is like the what? 10th post you've made in the last few months where you're still going about fantasizing about your "dual." I see you're seeking out what you believe is that elusive SLE who's sensitive and caring when they're Fi PoLR and don't care about that shit. What you imagine and idealize, I'm telling you, that literally don't exist. I'm friends with real SLE males. They are unreliable if you expect anything out of them and if you use the excuse and plead with them that you deserve to be treated some type of way because you're in some sort of relationship with them, that won't work at all. They're the ones that invented hit it & quit it. Fi PoLR literally means not using the appropriate relational distance, so they're not going to be attached just because you offer them blind worship. Read Othello. He's SLE and he choked the hell out of his IEI wife and threw her body away like trash. Fi PoLR is literally fucking serious and not corrective.

IEI: You don't want to hit dis no more?
SLE: Yup.
IEI: Are you sure?
*SLE already left the building.*

I just can't with all this weird idealistic Beta sadomasochistic romance nonsense.

[Bethanyclaire]

@Lolita lol thanks for the advice. I’m actually trying to stop myself idealising someone, once I meet them, by asking myself these kind of questions. It’s good to think about what you want from a partner. My exploration of typology at the moment, is all in the name of achieving healthy boundaries with friends or people I date. Seeing them for what they are, not seeing them as otherwise. Everyone can make the mistake of idealising people, not just IEI. I want to be as prepared as I can before I meet someone. I want to be able to separate the personality from the reality and this kind of thinking helps me do that. Sorry if that’s vague but oh well.

I am not young, I don’t have time to waste. There may be other people reading who are in a similar position.

Honestly, I think I can smell a rat a mile off..I just don’t want to let the good ones pass by.

Oo I’ve been meaning to read Othello

Anyway, all these ‘silly’ thoughts have lead to a great discovery about tritype in another thread..(another user not me, but as part of a convo I was in) It’s all good I know that my crazy thoughts are going in some sort of direction and anything useful I learn, I will be happy to share.

[Lolita]

@Lolita lol thanks for the advice. I’m actually trying to stop myself idealising someone, once I meet them, by asking myself these kind of questions. It’s good to think about you want from a partner. My exploration of typology at the moment, is all in the name of achieving healthy boundaries with friends or people I date. Seeing them for what they are, not seeing them as otherwise. Everyone can make the mistake of idealising people, not just IEI. I want to be as prepared as I can before I meet someone. I want to be able to separate the personality from the reality and this kind of thinking helps me do that. Sorry if that’s vague but oh well.

It's literally just Beta NFs due to their cognitive stack which gives away their romance style. Beta Ni is really ultra dreamy and into fantasy, pair that with Fe, that's emoting and expressing idealism beyond the pale. Be very cognizant about letting the idealism take over and blurring what's real. I suppose everyone has to get hurt and learn from this, multiple times even, especially Betas because they simply don't understand that life has limits. A lot of things just are irreversible and could be prevented. Don't get with PoLR Fi. Don't idealize them, don't make excuses for them. Even LII is better with wanting to improve on Fi which makes them more accommodating (over time). Same with LSI.

[Bethanyclaire]

Humour and emotional depth are important factors to consider in a relationship. Infatuation, passion..not so much. For me anyway, atm.

[Lolita]

SLE has really dry humor but actually think they're funny. They overestimate their sense of humor but excellent with roasting. And they're especially angry when they lose at a video game and if you laugh at them, it hurts their public image so they'll probably call you a porch monkey Not very romantic.

[Lolita]

Not only did SLE invented hit it & quit it but they also created the modern phenomenon called rage quit. Here is a specimen who plays a character that's his dual and when he lost he goes on rants. His polemic is delivered in a super dry way, too. Low dimensionality of Fe but very obvious Se and Te. "It's a fakeass fucking game" cuz he lost, not cuz the other guy is actually skilled and now he's accusing his fans of being gay and wanting his BBC #betameltdown #betagodcomplex

[Bethanyclaire]

Well I laugh a lot in general, so I’ll probably laugh at them even if they’re not funny..even if they’re having a melt down (maybe secretly inside lol).

[Bethanyclaire]

IEI: You don't want to hit dis no more?
SLE: Yup.
IEI: Are you sure?
*SLE already left the building.*

Well, maybe it will be me leaving the building

You sound like my sister haha (SEE)

I have had some experience of SLE btw, if not loads.

I don’t really expect them to understand me the way I try to understand myself lol. Yes, I’ve been attracted to guys in the past who I felt a strong affinity with but I’m not looking for that now.

I am a person who needs many friends, of all the types, so that I can feel connected and understood on a deep level.

But I do expect someone I date to try to understand my mind, (the part of myself I’m projecting??) and find my mind interesting lol. How quickly I reveal my mind and it’s craziness, I’m not sure.

[Alomoes]

I would rather not care, as anybody can be brought to that point. Create good relations, not find them.

[Bethanyclaire]

Yep trying not to think about it too much going ahead..going with the flow..

But what I wanted to add was..I think that it's also important to feel 'seen', by someone, maybe more so than 'understood'. So you're more aware of your own existence and care about yourself more.

[Bethanyclaire]

Well, supposedly my best enneagram tritype matches for a dual are: 845, 836, 835 and possibly 359 and 721. 721 and 359 seem to me like they could be funnier, maybe because they have 7/9 which gives them a ‘positive outlook’ according to enneagram harmonic triad. But 845, 836, 835 seem more serious and they have 8 which makes them feel protective. 8 wins..845 seems deep (coz of the 4), 836 seems cute (coz of the 6) and 835..not sure..but sounds cool. (5s are generally cool )

[Rebelondeck]

The poll isn't very all-encompassing in that, for example, a dual who is "loyal and helpful" is not an option.

a.k.a. I/O

[Bethanyclaire]

The poll isn't very all-encompassing in that, for example, a dual who is "loyal and helpful" is not an option.

a.k.a. I/O

This made me laugh and say 'aw'. lol.

Also made me think of the Far from the Madding Crowd movie when Bathsheba has given up on finding love and calls it 'a ragged old thing'. Of course, she ends up with ever-reliable Gabriel Oak who at the start of the movie tells her 'I will always be there for you'. Gabriel is indeed very loyal and helpful.

I always wish people would help me more and I do seem to value loyalty in my friendships. I found myself in quite a lonely place last year. I can see why it would be nice to have something that protects me from ever feeling that way again (abandoned).

[Adam Strange]

This made me laugh and say 'aw'. lol.

Also made me think of the Far from the Madding Crowd movie when Bathsheba has given up on finding love and calls it 'a ragged old thing'. Of course, she ends up with ever-reliable Gabriel Oak who at the start of the movie tells her 'I will always be there for you'. Gabriel is indeed very loyal and helpful.

I always wish people would help me more and I do seem to value loyalty in my friendships. I found myself in quite a lonely place last year. I can see why it would be nice to have something that protects me from ever feeling that way again (abandoned).

Gabriel and Bathsheba seem to be classically SLI and IEE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0shQ2vagfw

@Bethany, from what you say about your wants, you would do well with an established SLE.

[Bethanyclaire]

Gabriel and Bathsheba seem to be classically SLI and IEE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0shQ2vagfw

@Bethany, from what you say about your wants, you would do well with an established SLE.

haha oh yes I need an SLE, for sure. If one will have me.

But I think the movie does a good job of showing how wrong people get it when they think about what love should be like. Gabriel+Bathsheba are great though.

Hardy is LSI right? I can't tell what types the characters in the movie are most like (I can see why you'd say IEE and SLI), but it is certainly my top romantic movie ever!