Want to fit into this typology system, but at the same time just want to be happy

[Ada]

English is not my mother tongue.

Hello everyone, I am Ada, new here, although I've registered for quite a long time.

It's been a year or two since I knew Socionics and wanted to find my place in this system. I don't know why, maybe it's a Ti thing. I've done a lot of tests (nearly all of them) and results differ: ESI, EII, LII, IEI, and recently LSI. Wikisocion and the16types.info are the most viewed websites in my browser history (maybe exaggeration). Am I desperate? Yes, a little. It's like a life-or-death battle. If I can't get who I am, I die.

To be honest, I want to be IEI. Not only because it sounds nice but also it gives me hope for future. I feel dead internally, nearly all the time. Is it a LSI thing? To feel nihilistic? Without meaning? Maybe Ni hidden-agenda? Or just a mental-health problem? I have few friends. The most intimate friend told me that I was too aloof and people found me somehow unapproachable. This makes me sad, really really really sad. I want to fill my life with people and laughter and happiness but I am too socially undeveloped to achieve that. However, I can endure loneliness. Being solitary doesn't scare me, because I can always find things to do, or just force myself to do things. Is this Se? For half a year, I drew every day just for drawing. Recently, I write fiction every day just for writing. All alone. It's not for some goal, just to keep myself alive, spiritually. Life is disappointing and people disappoint me.

Most of the time I am unemotional, I think? But strangers find me sweet and lovely. I can say very harsh things to people, including my intimate ones. I am not hesitant to cut people out of my life and disappear for good. It feels bad but I can't help doing that. Metaphorical suicide. It's easy for me to open up to strangers, but hard for me to be honest with people I care most. Always, I am friends with some stranger day one and refuse to reply to their messages day two. Day one, I imagine this person is the perfect one. Day two, disappointed. Perfectionist? Maybe. The world is ugly, and beauty is rare.

I want just platonic relationships with men, but they always want to just fuck me. As a people-pleaser, I don't want to hurt others' feelings, therefore even when I am sure the guy just wants to fuck me and I hate it, I still can't say no to his invitation to hung out. I use excuses and lies, but in the end I still get controlled, get into the taxi, get forced to drink, get drunk, get molested, and get broken. In this regard, I wish I am LSI, a powerful girl who can protect herself from any sort of harm.

I always feel insecure and paranoid. When I was young, I thought I would die any second. The train I was in would fall apart. The bus I was in would crash into buildings. The airplane would fall. When I was hysterical, my whole body would shake in an uncontrollable way and I couldn't make myself stop crying. I thought I would die of heart-attack. Maybe it's just a panic thing.

I thought I was IEI, because I am too emotional in certain ways, compared to all the people I know. But I am also dry and unemotional in other certain ways. I thought I was LII or EII, because I could be childlike and gullible. Some just love teasing me with lies. I thought I was LSI, because I am harsh, dry, aloof and intimidating. I can't smile in front of cameras, and my eyes in pictures are dead more than often. Mom asked me, "who are you trying to scare?" Plus, I can imagine myself being a cool LSI . Being an emotionally expressive IEI? Just too tiring. But being an unemotional LSI? Too nihilistic. Makes me want to take my life.

By the way, I hate negative emotions, either in me or in others. I don't like it when people complain. If you want something but can't get it, just be more persistent and try harder. Stop complaining and whining. Even if you can't achieve your dream no matter what you do, you won't regret it. I admire people who can stick to their dreams and never waver. Because I am always hesitant and undecided. I want destiny, grandiosity, God's call, a holy cause, whatever you name it. I cried a lot watching The Young Pope. I wish God could tell me what to do, what I was born for. Jesus Christ, Abraham, Joan of Arc……Really, I envy them.

Whatever I am doing, I am prone to imagine it to be something bigger, evil or good. When I was in elementary school, I got all girls in my class into a "procession" in school ground, to show support for my mother country in that year's FIFA World Cup. Just because boys thought Argentina would win (Argentinians, no offence.) I know it's silly. The procession ended in me slapping the boys' leader. The second I slapped him, I cried ^_^. That's the most unthinkable thing I've ever done in my life. As I grow older, my bones become softer (a metaphor?)

It's hard for me to end a monologue like this. It feels incomplete and too random. My brain is always a mess, like clouds or just a pathetic bunch of tangled un-untangle-able threads. I like dialogues more because they are thought-provoking. Therefore, enough of me and please type me.

PS: I don't like my sad and dead tone in this post, but I AM sad and dead when writing it. And it smells narcissism.
PPS: Happy New Year! ^_^.

[jackjack]

Probably ESI? You don't seem like a logical type to me. Your post is full of emotional responses and evaluations. Seeming unemotional can be a sign of Fi, too.

I always feel insecure and paranoid. When I was young, I thought I would die any second. The train I was in would fall apart. The bus I was in would crash into buildings. The airplane would fall. When I was hysteric, my whole body would shake in an uncontrollable way and I couldn't make myself stop crying. I thought I would die of heart-attack.

This suggests weak intuition, so probably not IEI. Not that Ni types never feel anxious, but they are usually more comfortable dealing with the future.

If you want something but can't get it, just be more persistent and try harder. Just stop complaining and whining. Even if you can't achieve your dream no matter what you do, you won't regret it.

This makes me think Se is probably in your Ego block. However...

I admire people who can stick to their dreams and never waver. Because I am always hesitant and undecided.

This seems to contradict that. But you follow it with...

I want destiny, grandiosity, God's call, a holy cause, whatever you name it. I cried a lot watching The Young Pope. I wish God could tell me what to do, what I was born for. Jesus Christ, Abraham, Joan of Arc……Really, I envy them.

This makes me think your indecision is based on being unsure which path to take (weak Ni) rather than lacking the willpower to take action (weak Se).

As a people-pleaser, I don't want to hurt others' feelings...I use excuses and lies, but in the end I still get controlled, get into the taxi, get forced to drink, get drunk, get molested, and get broken. In this regard, I wish I am LSI, a powerful girl who can protect herself from any sort of harm.

This sounds like weak Se, but in the context of the rest of your post, I think it just rules out Se as your base function since you're valuing others' feelings over getting your way. On a side note, I'm really sorry this happens to you.

So, ESI is my best guess. But I'm only about 75% sure of that.

[ashlesha]

This will be kind of a useless post because I don't have a type in mind and require at least a little observation of "normal" interaction to develop an impression over time. Just wanna say you seem very cool and a little relatable and ESI is a popular thing to type people these days, which annoys me and often makes me silently grumble, but I'd have no unspoken objection if that's what you went with, lol. (I never would have guessed English wasn't your first language, by the way.)

[qaz00]

IEI

[Chthonic Daydream]

Happiness and socionics are sometimes mutually exclusive. Try to pursue happiness rather than a type, if possible.

Your post gave me the vibe of a French existentialist film.
Happy new year and I hope this decade brings you the happiness you wish for. And a socionics type. Ten years is a lot of time for exploring yourself.

[Ada]

Probably ESI? You don't seem like a logical type to me. Your post is full of emotional responses and evaluations. Seeming unemotional can be a sign of Fi, too.


This suggests weak intuition, so probably not IEI. Not that Ni types never feel anxious, but they are usually more comfortable dealing with the future.


This makes me think Se is probably in your Ego block. However...


This seems to contradict that. But you follow it with...


This makes me think your indecision is based on being unsure which path to take (weak Ni) rather than lacking the willpower to take action (weak Se).


This sounds like weak Se, but in the context of the rest of your post, I think it just rules out Se as your base function since you're valuing others' feelings over getting your way. On a side note, I'm really sorry this happens to you.

So, ESI is my best guess. But I'm only about 75% sure of that.

Thanks for your reply and analysis, but I am curious where this 75% comes from? As you can see, my posts are full of logical contradictions, including this one. Among logos, pathos, and ethos, I prefer pathos.

[Ada]

This will be kind of a useless post because I don't have a type in mind and require at least a little observation of "normal" interaction to develop an impression over time. Just wanna say you seem very cool and a little relatable and ESI is a popular thing to type people these days, which annoys me and often makes me silently grumble, but I'd have no unspoken objection if that's what you went with, lol. (I never would have guessed English wasn't your first language, by the way.)

I believe everything is useful. What aren't said can say more things than what's said ^_^ as lies are everywhere in the world.

[Ada]

IEI

like your terseness

[Ada]

Happiness and socionics are sometimes mutually exclusive. Try to pursue happiness rather than a type, if possible.

Your post gave me the vibe of a French existentialist film.
Happy new year and I hope this decade brings you the happiness you wish for. And a socionics type. Ten years is a lot of time for exploring yourself.

Oh, life is full of such dilemmas, and I'd like to choose happiness.
I'm not familiar with French existentialist films, but I like the idea of existentialism, especially Kierkegaard. His interpretation of "the sacrifice of Issac" is so touching, trying to find some meaning from the absurd.

[voider]

Dear Ada, maybe it's because I'm already emotional, but your post moves me so. I relate to many things in it. Feeling this fire in you, a fire that you so desperately want to channel into something more, and grander, and wonderful -- a beacon for the gods! -- yet you hold back because you don't know what to channel it into, and let yourself become the pyre. I know this. I also deal with anxiety, too. It creates such a separation between anxious me and strong me, the one who is a broken mess and also the one who loathes seeing such weakness and only wants to charge screaming. But I just wanted to say, that even though we may cry after striking someone, as you did, though we may tremble after we finally manage to exercise even the slightest bit of what's actually on the inside, we've still done something. And I remember those moments when I exercise my will much brighter and in sharper detail than anything else that might ever happen in the murky depths of my anxiety.

... Anyway - poetics aside, before someone types me IEI as well, I think you have Fi and Se in your ego block. ESI seems a good fit. I don't think you're IEI due to the hesitant way you describe how you leave an emotional imprint on people, although you know you're capable of it. Se, I think, because you seem capable of rallying people for a cause, when you really want to, which is what Se + Fi does best. Don't think Ni because of general directionlessness, as mentioned above. I disregarded xII because I don't see any Ne - your thoughts seem a straight line going from one end to the other, one clear path with nowhere to stray towards.

I wish you well in your typing journey!

[Ada]

Dear Ada, maybe it's because I'm already emotional, but your post moves me so. I relate to many things in it. Feeling this fire in you, a fire that you so desperately want to channel into something more, and grander, and wonderful -- a beacon for the gods! -- yet you hold back because you don't know what to channel it into, and let yourself become the pyre. I know this. I also deal with anxiety, too. It creates such a separation between anxious me and strong me, the one who is a broken mess and also the one who loathes seeing such weakness and only wants to charge screaming. But I just wanted to say, that even though we may cry after striking someone, as you did, though we may tremble after we finally manage to exercise even the slightest bit of what's actually on the inside, we've still done something. And I remember those moments when I exercise my will much brighter and in sharper detail than anything else that might ever happen in the murky depths of my anxiety.

... Anyway - poetics aside, before someone types me IEI as well, I think you have Fi and Se in your ego block. ESI seems a good fit. I don't think you're IEI due to the hesitant way you describe how you leave an emotional imprint on people, although you know you're capable of it. Se, I think, because you seem capable of rallying people for a cause, when you really want to, which is what Se + Fi does best. Don't think Ni because of general directionlessness, as mentioned above. I disregarded xII because I don't see any Ne - your thoughts seem a straight line going from one end to the other, one clear path with nowhere to stray towards.

I wish you well in your typing journey!

Dear voider, I am glad that my post moves you so. It proves something, doesn't it? People can relate to each other, though it can be quite subjective.

Just to be clear, I am not as anxious as I sound like (I got a bit carried away by my proneness to dramatize and exaggerate), and weakness is also a strength.

[ouronis]

You make yourself. Don't use socionics as a coping mechanism.

[Ada]

You make yourself. Don't use socionics as a coping mechanism.

You are right on that. It can be unhealthy, and I am in an unhealthy state. But why can't I, and people who need it, use Socionics as a coping mechanism? Drawing and writing for me are also coping mechanisms, in a sense. Should I also give up on these two? Or is it because I shouldn't say these things on this forum?

I'm here to learn more about myself.

[ouronis]

You are right on that. It can be unhealthy, and I am in an unhealthy state. But why can't I, and people who need it, use Socionics as a coping mechanism? Drawing and writing for me are also coping mechanisms, in a sense. Should I also give up on these two? Or is it because I shouldn't say these things on this forum?

I'm here to learn more about myself.

The main problem is that if you substitute your ability to act and fix problems with a justification that comes from an external source, you're obviously not going to fix your problems and are just getting into a bad habit instead.

[Ada]

The main problem is that if you substitute your ability to act and fix problems with a justification that comes from an external source, you're obviously not going to fix your problems and are just getting into a bad habit instead.

lol, you catch me, a lousy problem fixer, a sentimental wish-washer, a pathetic romantic. But I'm here not for justification, but for knowing myself better. In the end, as you said, I make myself.

[Chthonic Daydream]

I had a dream about you writing in bulgarian on here.

[voider]

Dear voider, I am glad that my post moves you so. It proves something, doesn't it? People can relate to each other, though it can be quite subjective.

Just to be clear, I am not as anxious as I sound like (I got a bit carried away by my proneness to dramatize and exaggerate), and weakness is also a strength.

I agree! Strength can be found in vulnerability. It doesn't always have to be brute forced. But hey, it's tempting.

Also, I'm not as anxious as I may sound like as well! I also like to dramatize sometimes, and I really like writing as well.

[Ada]

I agree! Strength can be found in vulnerability. It doesn't always have to be brute forced. But hey, it's tempting.

Also, I'm not as anxious as I may sound like as well! I also like to dramatize sometimes, and I really like writing as well.

Let's embrace What do you write?

[Ada]

I had a dream about you writing in bulgarian on here.

The best compliment I could ever have, and I find it extremely SEXY, your dream ~

[voider]

Let's embrace What do you write?

Well, I've wanted to write a fiction novel since I was a child, so there have been many aborted attempts to do so -- aborted because I lack foresight, planning and most importantly ideas... So my more continuous writing tends to be -fan-fiction and poetry rather than fully original fiction. And even then I'm pretty bad about completing things. But I always come back to it, and I think one day I'll have an idea worth sticking with.

How about you?

[Ada]

Well, I've wanted to write a fiction novel since I was a child, so there have been many aborted attempts to do so -- aborted because I lack foresight, planning and most importantly ideas... So my more continuous writing tends to be -fan-fiction and poetry rather than fully original fiction. And even then I'm pretty bad about completing things. But I always come back to it, and I think one day I'll have an idea worth sticking with.

How about you?

Same here, fan-fiction and poetry. But readers say my fan-fiction read like original, lol. I don't plan but I always have a vague idea of what I'm trying to investigate in my story. Writing fiction for me is like doing thought experiments. I have my characters represent different -isms and make them clash with each other, to see which -ism would win in which situation. Pro-suicide versus anti-suicide, self-creation (modernity) versus accepting fate, nihilism versus existentialism …… But what I enjoy writing the most is often the emo and drama part, lol. Most of my stories could be read as book reviews. Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling, The Theological Origins of Modernity, etc. I am lousy at character building and plot designing, but it doesn't bother me. A perfectly designed story plot is too artificial to my taste, and I love it when characters come alive and get out of my control. I don't like playing God as a writer, therefore I just let my story flow in a subconscious way. God knows what's best for my story.

As for the completion thing, once I find there's no more to explore in a story, I end it quickly and begin writing the next one. The longest fiction I've written is only about 100,000 words. I wish I could write longer fiction, as my explorations of themes, characters, etc. aren't thorough enough to fill a thick book. But I am positive about my writing future. I believe as I write more, I write better ^_^

I think every writer has their own unique ideas/themes which would automatically pop up in their stories even when they don't want that. There IS an idea you will stick to, buried in your unconsciousness, just waiting for you to dig it out. Because writing is excavation of your true self, and your true self is always there ^_^

Wish you well in your writing journey!

[mclane]

Some tests are reliable, others not so much. The result of these three tests should be more or less consistent:

https://www.sociotype.com/tests/#tabs-1 (original test)
http://www.socionictest.net/Test.aspx
https://www.aimtoknow.com/test_beta

I see possible evidence for beta NF.

[Ada]

@Ada
You seem to float between life situation's passively. In socionics you're easily an introverted irrational. You're ethical and you seem to attract (and want) the decise kind of man. So in this system you'll find yourself to agree with the IEI descriptions.

But if you want to use typology to understand yourself better, and MAYBE use it a little bit to improve your life (it's dangerous and not reccomended, keep it in mind) read Jung's descriptions of the cognitive functions. Multiple times, in a detached manner. You'll have to read them over and over again before you'll understand what he really meant. I'll spare you some time. You don't need to read Se, Ne, Te and Ti. Just read Si, Ni, Fi and Fe. Don't skip the first part of the chapters, in which he explains the mechanisms. Most people just skip to the part in which he makes examples.

You having all those creepy thoughts about dieing resonates more to an inferior perceptive function, but everyone can have such thoughts. You have to understand if they prevail in your personality over other factors. If you're Ni dom it will be easy for you to understand it. It means you'll be very connected to your unconscious processes, and you will be able to read them with strong intuitive images in your head. If this seems like some crazy stuff to you, just rule out Ni dom. So what's left is Si, Fi and Fe. Let's start with Si. As a Si you're very connected to your senses, and kind of detached to the outer objects.
Fi dom is different. You'll have strong primordial images like Ni doms, but they won't be necessarily graphic. They will be more some kind of convinctions. You'll feel like you know what's wrong. How things should be. But more on a moral and ideological level. You'll be in an eternal search to satisfy your ideals in the outer world, but never feel satisfied because they're too high.
As a Fe dom you'll try to blend into the emotional atmosphere and remove what's not proper. You'll appear friendly, but deep down you're acting following some unconscious motives. You'll think you're pure, but you'll actually be chasing the most convenient paths and influential relationships.

Thanks for the input, Reyne! Very helpful. Yeah, Jung, I've read his Psychological Types many times but still can't get a grasp of his Ni and Si descriptions. As for Fi and Fe, I prefer the latter I guess. I have no conviction. I can fight for Right this minute and next minute stand for Wrong. I argued for Satan in a debate course (I wrote the speech outline and got a more-timid-looking teammate to speak). Our team won but the instructor said, "anyway, you should still try to be good people." And another example. A team project. I divided my teammates into two groups (me excluded of course) and made them debate. Whenever I felt one side would lose the debate, I would join in and help that side. I don't choose side. I choose arguments and wars. Maybe a Ti thing. At least not Fi-valuing. I am not a loyal person.

Ni and Si, em, problem here. I'll definitely give Jung a nth time read and figure out what Ni and Si really are. If Si means apple pies, then I don't value it (eating for me is more of a to-keep-alive task). As for those dark thoughts, I think they are just my natural reactions to stress. When I had a headache, I would imagine ❗ chopping my head into halves or just dying. Dark images are more bearable than physical and emotional pains (these two are correlated).

[Ada]

Some tests are reliable, others not so much. The result of these three tests should be more or less consistent:

https://www.sociotype.com/tests/#tabs-1 (original test)
http://www.socionictest.net/Test.aspx
https://www.aimtoknow.com/test_beta

I see possible evidence for beta NF.

I always want to give the third one a nth time try. But 160 questions? Lose motivation after 1/4. Curious how many questions its un-shortened version has.

[mclane]

I always want to give the third one a nth time try. But 160 questions? Lose motivation after 1/4. Curious how many questions its un-shortened version has.

The third one is useful for identifying PoLR. The other two usually give you either your type, or mirror.