I wanted to start this thread about this, but I don't have the time to finish it presently, so more later
I know of course no one can answer these questions but me, though I was wondering if anyone has had related experiences.
It has become increasingly difficult for me to enjoy things... and to shift between relaxing and working. (Even my latest round of posts here in the last two days... I felt... odd in this regard)
This might be a consequence of going further into , and maybe even further into being Enna-type 1. Or not - as it seems, although I enjoy interacting with others and having group success, it is ultimately draining to produce an overly compassionate response, etc. I do what is necessary for group unity and such, but I cannot deny that at my core I am quite detached - and I think I "have problems admitting that" - that is to say, I have problems declaring that, in terms of being concerned about the success of the social situation, over representing my 'personality style' more clearly. ((But I am finding that compromising is not enjoyable...)
Social expectations and lubrication requires that I understand people's disposition and make necessary adjustments as I go - which I really don't mind. But in the process, I have a tendency to loose who I am. Or maybe this really is a process of learning more so who I am, and that even though I see my main interest as the sphere of people, I am a reserved, flamboyant kind of person. It seems like that aura of restraint is somewhat necessary... and that straying too far from it leaves me uneasy.
This contradiction has been puzzling me for a time.
(It seems like the answer is to be completely comfortable with being myself, and instead of seeing that as an inhibition of the process, find out a way to be sincere about both being myself and desiring to have the greatest possible outcome of the situation - trying not to make it 'one or the other' )
The second part of this post has to do with what appears to be a dichotomy between dual seeking&dual appreciation, and spiritual progress. If we are to use Buddhism as an example, it illustrates how having desires is the root of suffering. Yet my actions seem to generate subconsciously the need for an ESE to manage that area of my life. From both a spiritual perspective, as well as a more secular, 'overcoming my weaknesses' perspective, I am unsure of how to approach this matter - unsure of how to act so to say. Unsure of how to really interpret things. I know of course no one can answer these questions but me, though I was wondering if anyone has had related experiences.