IEI - SLE Duality discussion and stories (INFp-ESTp)

[pandagirl]

Hey guys, first time poster here. I was hoping if you could provide any insight to me on my confusing break up.

I was dating a guy for a month. He is definitely an estp: charming, hilarious, hyper social, whipsmart, thrill seeking. We met on a dating site; don't think i would ever meet a guy like him in a regular social setting!

I was amazed at how comfortable we were together. It's like we had known each other for years. Close friends know I'm sarcastic, funny and smart, but it usually takes awhile for that side to come out. This guy brought it out of me immediately. Plus, there was amazing sexual chemistry, we couldn't stop touching each other, kissing, etc. He said to me that he was able to open up to me more than most girls. I forced him in my own way to be honest with me. He said, "OK. I dont do that with girls...but for you, I will."

Now here's the confusing part. He broke up with me after a month stating: "You're amazing, smart, funny, interesting, beautiful and I'm very attracted to you, but...there is something intangible missing when I'm with you." I then learned about his past loves and they all seemed to stem from an intense passion and lust for the woman. He's been "in love" five times, but only two of those were relationships. The others were unrequited loves.

Is this common for estps? For them to only view love in a fast and furious way? I tend to let my feelings develop, based on trust and friendship.

Sigh. Is there anyway to change his mind? I feel like he gave up on somethng that could've been great.

[UDP]

Sigh. Is there anyway to change his mind?

No



That is an unfortunate situation.

May I ask how old you all are? If he's very young, it may just be a maturity thing. Some people, however, just never want to settle down. I do not think that all people of one type, however, do not want to settle down. My uncle is ESTp and a very loving father and husband.

[pandagirl]

We're both 30! So, obviously we're not little kids anymore.

Interesting thing about him, he was married and divorced young. He says he just "knows" him, and that something is "missing," even though everything else is there.

I think he does want to settle down, he wants kids and everything. I think the main problem is he wants passion and that immediate feeling of being "in love." I was just wondering if this was typical of estps.

[Expat]

I think he does want to settle down, he wants kids and everything. I think the main problem is he wants passion and that immediate feeling of being "in love." I was just wondering if this was typical of estps.

I wrote that post before reading this, and it's consistent with what I wrote.

If the problem is related to his missing "passion", then it's an indication that it's about a Fe vs Fi disconnect.

[ostevestarko]

IEI.............when socionics sources say that IEI is my soulmate, it's interesting. it was always a question for me that what sociotype can be so interested in sexual games (as I love it). when I seen that they say IEI likes sexual games and fantasies, I thought there's a problem, something's wrong, because with those descriptions about IEI (OFC I didn't read so much about it), I always had this thought that someone like IEI will never even think about these sexual games. (how I think about "INFP" in "MBTI" and about "4w5" in "Enneagram".) well it was interesting that someone with those descriptions can like sex so much, but I still deny it. My friend somehow suggested IEI to me too. but, people usually aren't 100% of their descriptions, and about sex, people act su.pid.ly (Separate from their personality and types). that's why I say soulmate system can be interesting, but I don't rely on it. I feel better if I check my standards myself closely and directly to make sure the relationship isn't made based on wrong thoughts.

[Rebelondeck]

IEI.............when socionics sources say that IEI is my soulmate, it's interesting......

Duals are not soulmates; their information processing is what your information processing needs in order to make the best possible integrated system for a broad range of life experiences. Given that their accompanying sets of baggage are not overpowering, duals will usually be able to tolerate each other simply because they don't focus on the same things so will not tread on each other's toes while at the same time, will probably stay on the same path even though they'll often disagree. They are what each other needs like eating one's vegetables rather than having a second dessert. It's not as romantic a concept as implied by the word 'soulmates'. It's about being able to work together over the long term - but too many people simply prefer to have dessert and will rationalize away any potential future consequences.

a.k.a. I/O

[ostevestarko]

Interesting. then I hope one of those, "duals" can tolerate me lol. Now that I realized Socionics doesn't engage in those stupid romantic plays, I like socionics more.

[ostevestarko]

Duals are not soulmates; their information processing is what your information processing needs in order to make the best possible integrated system for a broad range of life experiences. Given that their accompanying sets of baggage are not overpowering, duals will usually be able to tolerate each other simply because they don't focus on the same things so will not tread on each other's toes while at the same time, will probably stay on the same path even though they'll often disagree. They are what each other needs like eating one's vegetables rather than having a second dessert. It's not as romantic a concept as implied by the word 'soulmates'. It's about being able to work together over the long term - but too many people simply prefer to have dessert and will rationalize away any potential future consequences.

a.k.a. I/O

Interesting. then I hope one of those, "duals" can tolerate me lol. Now that I realized Socionics doesn't engage in those stupid romantic plays, I like socionics more.

[Rebelondeck]

Interesting. then I hope one of those, "duals" can tolerate me lol. Now that I realized Socionics doesn't engage in those stupid romantic plays, I like socionics more.

Type is only one factor in determining compatibility and with respect to potential show-stoppers, it can be a rather minor issue. Some on this site seem to read more into Socionics than actually does exist. One has to keep in mind that every type has the potential to be either a saint or a devil; most are somewhere in between. A dual will likely not be able to coexist with a partner who has opposing values. Many also seem to evaluate the end product to determine compatibility whereas the routes taken are far more revealing. Socionics is better applied to understanding the people that you already work or live with rather than using it as a tool to find a mate.

a.k.a. I/O

[ostevestarko]

Type is only one factor in determining compatibility and with respect to potential show-stoppers, it can be a rather minor issue. Some on this site seem to read more into Socionics than actually does exist. One has to keep in mind that every type has the potential to be either a saint or a devil; most are somewhere in between. A dual will likely not be able to coexist with a partner who has opposing values. Many also seem to evaluate the end product to determine compatibility whereas the routes taken are far more revealing. Socionics is better applied to understanding the people that you already work or live with rather than using it as a tool to find a mate.

a.k.a. I/O

Agreed.
Well, My only tool to find a mate destroyed too lol.

[Expat]

Now here's the confusing part. He broke up with me after a month stating: "You're amazing, smart, funny, interesting, beautiful and I'm very attracted to you, but...there is something intangible missing when I'm with you." I then learned about his past loves and they all seemed to stem from an intense passion and lust for the woman. He's been "in love" five times, but only two of those were relationships. The others were unrequited loves.

Is this common for estps? For them to only view love in a fast and furious way? I tend to let my feelings develop, based on trust and friendship

There's always the possibility that there was something else going on and what he said about "something intangible missing" was just plain bullshit.

However, going for plain socionics based on the available information, one possibility is that while he's indeed ESTp, you're actually INTp rather than INFp, and the ""something intangible missing" was the Fe (extraverted feeling).

Take the above with a pinch of salt since it's a hunch based on very little information.

[pandagirl]

Yes, it could very well something else. But barring another woman in the picture, I believe he was telling the truth about the "passion" thing. I didn't feel it either, but I was OK with that.

[Joy]

Duality is not as exciting as some other intertype relations.

[Ms. Kensington]

Duality is not as exciting as some other intertype relations.

thats what i was going to say.

i feel the most passionate when there is some tension, but some complimentary exchange as well. I don't have to do anything but be in the same room as an INFp (not my dual) to feel physically attracted.

Panda, you'll see if he still thinks theres something missing after some time with you. I particularly find this occuring in ExTp and sometimes ExFp. Also, 30 is not past the age where one acquires maturity in many cases.

[pandagirl]

Well, interestingly enough, he isn't friends with any of his exes. I seem to be the lone girl who has somehow managed to earn his respect, citing I am the "coolest girl he's er me." He manages to bring out the most outgoing aspects of my personality and I love hanging out with him, because he is so good in social situations which takes the attention away from me (which I like). I am very good one-on-one, but not in a group.

I know he likes me. He's told me that over and over again. He is physically attracted to me, blah blah. Just not falling in love with me. We'll see what happens!

[redbaron]

Well, interestingly enough, he isn't friends with any of his exes. I seem to be the lone girl who has somehow managed to earn his respect, citing I am the "coolest girl he's er me." He manages to bring out the most outgoing aspects of my personality and I love hanging out with him, because he is so good in social situations which takes the attention away from me (which I like). I am very good one-on-one, but not in a group.

I know he likes me. He's told me that over and over again. He is physically attracted to me, blah blah. Just not falling in love with me. We'll see what happens!

Well my advice is to play it cool. I mean, just go about your life, be yourself and don't fawn over him at all. Enjoy the time that you're together but don't cut out other options either, should they come along Sounds to me like there's still potential there.

[pandagirl]

exactly, i noticed that, too. usually the duality relationships start without thrills. probably this guy was after something extraordinary and it sounds normal to me. but i believe he'll know what to choose when he will want to settle down.

This sounds about right. No thrills, but plenty of happy, warm fuzzies.

He's seems very eager to start a friendship with me, called me yesterday and wants to hang out. Me? I'm playing it cool. I feel like he's almost trying to create drama.

[Reuben]

Look. Stop this socionics analyzing bull.

He's just a player.

Give him the player test. Put up the bitch shield. If he passes through all that, well, then perhaps he really wants you. Then if you wish, have fun with him. If not, wait till you're married.

It's up to you. Your choice.

[mikemex]

Watch out for that, despite duality the ESTP is one of those personalities I would least likely to trust completely with. Just like how I see the rest of the Extroverts, except for ENFP because if the ENFP betrays me, I will mess up their world and they will fear me even more than the most powerful extroverts like ENTJ or ENFJ.

Awww, how cute.

[pandagirl]

Update: well. I'm not proud, but I saw the guy the other night in a group setting. I played it cool all night, not paying much attention to him, and of course, by the end of the night...he kissed me...and I gave in. CRAP. There is such a push-and-pull between us. A natural attraction to each other, even though we're so different.

[calenwen]

Hey guys, first time poster here. I was hoping if you could provide any insight to me on my confusing break up.

I was dating a guy for a month. He is definitely an estp: charming, hilarious, hyper social, whipsmart, thrill seeking. We met on a dating site; don't think i would ever meet a guy like him in a regular social setting!

I was amazed at how comfortable we were together. It's like we had known each other for years. Close friends know I'm sarcastic, funny and smart, but it usually takes awhile for that side to come out. This guy brought it out of me immediately. Plus, there was amazing sexual chemistry, we couldn't stop touching each other, kissing, etc. He said to me that he was able to open up to me more than most girls. I forced him in my own way to be honest with me. He said, "OK. I dont do that with girls...but for you, I will."

Now here's the confusing part. He broke up with me after a month stating: "You're amazing, smart, funny, interesting, beautiful and I'm very attracted to you, but...there is something intangible missing when I'm with you." I then learned about his past loves and they all seemed to stem from an intense passion and lust for the woman. He's been "in love" five times, but only two of those were relationships. The others were unrequited loves.

Is this common for estps? For them to only view love in a fast and furious way? I tend to let my feelings develop, based on trust and friendship.

Sigh. Is there anyway to change his mind? I feel like he gave up on something that could've been great.

Could you really envision yourself with an ESTP long-term, though?

I don't know... I dated an ESTP once and while it was fun (charming, hilarious, hyper social, whipsmart, thrill seeking, etc.) I couldn't see him a.) sticking with one person for too long and b.) us being on the same page for very long.

[pandagirl]

Now that I've thought about it: no, I can't really envision myself with an ESTP long-term at all. He is definitely the type of person who is like: "onto the next girl!" He is really resolute and resilient and 100% sure that what he think is right. And not exactly the sensitive type of guy who could/would fulfill my emotional needs. In fact, he said a lot of unintentionally rude things to me that hurt my feelings.

But, oh...he is so seductive and charming.

[marooned]

He is definitely the type of person who is like: "onto the next girl!"

...

In fact, he said a lot of unintentionally rude things to me that hurt my feelings.

I know this is only one ESTp... but honestly I want nothing to do with the "onto the next short-term relationship!" people... and I don't know how well I'd be able to put up with someone accidentally hurting my feelings consistently either... hmm, well I don't think I would be able to put up with it.

though IEI might have more of an outward reaction when their feelings are hurt than ILI, and maybe that would have an effect... or alter the dynamic...

But the way that ESTp is (Fi PoLR) it seems that it would sort of be in its nature to be insensitive to how others feel.

[pandagirl]

He's the type of person to date a lot of people, and not stick with one, because he knows EXACTLY what he wants/is looking for. So, if a girl doesn't fit into this ideal, in his mind it's over.

That being said, he is a good guy, just brutally honest. He told me his past girlfriends have claimed he is "emotionally distant" and it's because "most of the time, I'm thinking something they don't want to hear." ha!

[marooned]

I can understand that more. It sucks though.

[pandagirl]

It does suck. But you know, I think we will be friends. He's an exciting guy to have around who brings me out of my shell and I ground him a bit.

[pandagirl]

That is actually how my ESTp was until he found me. ^_^

It's wierd...I've always had this total confidence that I could "equal" that personality. Something...deep inside.

Yup! I feel the same way. I can match his witty remarks, with equal wit and keep up with his conversations in every way. He brings out that side of me. In fact, he just just called me and we had a great conversation.

I think maybe we were meant to be friends and not lovers. In a way, I think I'm too easy for him -- too comfortable.