IEI - SLE Duality discussion and stories (INFp-ESTp)

[strrrng]

I really want the friendship thing because he did bring out the best in me and moved things in me i didn't know existed. And we had so much fun

But will it really feel the same, given the context? Sure, there's general personality compatibility; but I'd be willing to bet a large part of what enabled the full expression of that dynamic had to do with the fact that you two were 'together.' You can't undo the creases you embed into yourself with something like a break-up: it will never be the same. I was very close with an Se-ESTp girl towards the beginning of high school. But once that faded a little, and she decided to hook up with losers, well, I couldn't ever relate to her the same. The light still shone dimly in the distance, a remnant of the unique piquancy that sustained us for so long; but what's done is done.

And you seem like you just want it both ways anyway.

[JuJu]

But will it really feel the same, given the context? Sure, there's general personality compatibility; but I'd be willing to bet a large part of what enabled the full expression of that dynamic had to do with the fact that you two were 'together.' You can't undo the creases you embed into yourself with something like a break-up: it will never be the same. I was very close with an Se-ESTp girl towards the beginning of high school. But once that faded a little, and she decided to hook up with losers, well, I couldn't ever relate to her the same. The light still shone dimly in the distance, a remnant of the unique piquancy that sustained us for so long; but what's done is done.

And you seem like you just want it both ways anyway.

Maybe this is type related...

I once held your opinion--UNTIL I got back together with an ex and it was better than even the first time.

All I'm saying is... Don't close your mind to it.

And to the OP... Don't let these battle-hardened bitter fucks bring you down. It can be even better the 2nd time. I know

[Rastermind]

Thank you all from the insight. (Especially you Mimosa *HUGS*)

I feel it can be done if we both really want it to work. I know I do.

Will call him sometime next week and see how it goes.

<fingers crossed>

[Sueno]

Are there exceptions to this working?? Im an IEI male and I was with an SLE female a while ago but it didn't work out. However during the relationship distance became a factor so...just wondering...

[strrrng]

Exceptions to compatibility, sure; many factors affect that. Maybe you could be a bit more specific, to aid assessment of your case.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

language difference, she just isn't your type erotically. For example if you're really turned on by skinny blondes and your dual happens to be a chubby brunette, it's just naive to think that won't be a barrier.

Culture and political differences. Duals can have different political leanings. Different points of interests and not finding enough things to talk about.... 'opposites attract' to a certain extent. But you might just grew up in too different of places to really connect on anything even if the psychological energy is great.

And also IMO duals thrive the best when you're in a competitive environment, when a lot of people are against you and shit, and so they can save you/blanket you from shit. If you already are safe, comfortable- it's too easy to overlook ur dual. I look at is as playing a mmorpg. Having pure-specced tanks and healers for most encounters is overkill and even counter-productive. But when you're fighting a hard raid boss, it's essential. You and your dual are very pure-spec classes (iei=healer, sle=tank) and such naturally show how much of a team you are when a physical challenge is present. That also creates the feeling that the relationship is worth it and has somewhere to go, in physical space.

[Sueno]

language difference, she just isn't your type erotically. For example if you're really turned on by skinny blondes and your dual happens to be a chubby brunette, it's just naive to think that won't be a barrier.

Culture and political differences. Duals can have different political leanings. Different points of interests and not finding enough things to talk about.... 'opposites attract' to a certain extent. But you might just grew up in too different of places to really connect on anything even if the psychological energy is great.

And also IMO duals thrive the best when you're in a competitive environment, when a lot of people are against you and shit, and so they can save you/blanket you from shit. If you already are safe, comfortable- it's too easy to overlook ur dual. I look at is as playing a mmorpg. Having pure-specced tanks and healers for most encounters is overkill and even counter-productive. But when you're fighting a hard raid boss, it's essential. You and your dual are very pure-spec classes (iei=healer, sle=tank) and such naturally show how much of a team you are when a physical challenge is present. That also creates the feeling that the relationship is worth it and has somewhere to go, in physical space.

This makes alot of sense...

I mean it lasted 3 months the last month becoming long distance because of school. It was the most fun I had in a relationship even though she was extremely blunt and very cold. Its just the way she ended it, basically like she didn't care. Which in the end made me feel like she let me go because I was no longer convenient to have around despite all the fun we had in the past.

[sigma]

Its just the way she ended it, basically like she didn't care.

You are an IEI... so, be an IEI! Answer to yourself: is this true? she didn't care? You should know that SLE can put this kind of image as a form of protection, you should be able to see past that image!

[Satan]

Are there exceptions to this working?? Im an IEI male and I was with an SLE female a while ago but it didn't work out. However during the relationship distance became a factor so...just wondering...

EVERYTHING IN LIFE ALWAYS WORK OUT 100% THE FIRST TIME AROUND.

[sigma]

Are there exceptions to this working?? Im an IEI male and I was with an SLE female a while ago but it didn't work out. However during the relationship distance became a factor so...just wondering...

Of course there are exceptions! There are a lot of other factors beside socionics type.
Sexual attraction, intellectual attraction, education.

Also, distance is a major issue if it happens in an immature relationship (at the beginning).

[koldj]

Uhm... When I hang out with my duals - LSIs I feel like I'm giving them ideas and they just feel like it's achievable and so we're doing it together .

This is how beta ST completes beta NF.

[Vuze]

I'm still waiting for my IEI dual. . . . I'll tell you what though, they need to hurry the fuck up 'cause I'm not gonna wait around forever!

[Ezra]

I'm still waiting for my IEI dual. . . . I'll tell you what though, they need to hurry the fuck up 'cause I'm not gonna wait around forever!

GET OUT THERE. They're waiting for you matey!

[jughead]

Ni "people who tend hesitate and wait for the right moment"

[jughead]

They are dead zombies and get stuck and hesitate all the time without Se.

[redbaron]

Ni "people who tend hesitate and wait for the right moment"

yes...

[Beautiful sky]

Somebody please tell me these guys are SLE (him) and her (IEI) duals

@Tim...what are your thoughts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRdbPayZUh8

[redbaron]

My IEI brother and SLE sister-in-law met in high school. Brother was 16. They're now in their mid-30s and still happy as clams together!

[Variant]

My IEI brother and SLE sister-in-law met in high school. Brother was 16. They're now in their mid-30s and still happy as clams together!

Omg...highschool sweethearts. Lucky ^ ^, wish them a happy life. Oo do they have kids? and when did they make them?

[redbaron]

Omg...highschool sweethearts. Lucky ^ ^, wish them a happy life. Oo do they have kids? and when did they make them?

no kids! two cats and a dog. they run a business and that takes all their time and energy. But they love it. It was a conscious decision on their part.

[munenori2]

My IEI brother and SLE sister-in-law met in high school. Brother was 16. They're now in their mid-30s and still happy as clams together!

Yeah, I met an SLE/IEI couple on New Year's Eve that had been together since high school and for maybe the first time in my life I saw a relationship that made complete sense to me. It was a strangely eye-opening experience.

[slownumbers]

I met a dual a few months ago. We were both physically attracted to each other at first. We hung out a few times and I felt really drawn towards her and missed her even though we didn't know each other that well. She later asked if it was okay if we were just friends, and she seemed to lose romantic interest. However, she seems really interested in being friends and contacts me to get together or just say hello, or get dinner or something. If we go through long periods without talking, she will eventually reach out to me.

Should I hold out hope that our duality will magically make her romantically interested again if we remain friends, or should I just move on?

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I don't really hold onto anybody anymore because people always disappoint you in many ways. I loved this one person, but he totally ruined his life and got sent to prison. Only love somebody if they love you just as much, ya know? I sent him letters (but I don't know if he got them), waited 5+ years for this man, it was pretty stupid -- but at the time I didn't think of it that way, because I was in love, so I was being really hopeful, naive and ideal. I loved him so much but it just wasn't enough to make him into a person worthy to be in a healthy relationship.

Love is overrated, because people do their own thing all the time regardless of how much they love somebody. Addiction is stronger than love. Selfishness is stronger than love. I just wish it wasn't true, but it is. My love for people couldn't stop them from doing all sorts of things that were self-destructive, and their love couldn't stop me from my bad habits.

I think instead of love you guys have to be friends first. I think love can only blossom as the real thing unless there's a friendship going on. I'm more thankful for my friends then I am for my lovers anyway. If you want love to be the real thing and last, make sure that person is your friend more than anything else. I'm also wary of love that happens 'right away.' It sounds like it was just really good lust that you might have convinced yourself as love. There aint nothin wrong with fuck buddies but don't call it love just to make yourself feel better or something.

And also love sucks because you really love this one person more than yourself and your own happiness and expense of all other reality, and it makes you see things not very clearly. also love is equality. a heart has two equal things.... formed together to make one heart. So it's a mental illness/insanity to love somebody who doesn't love you back.

[Computer Loser]

Just ask her out. If she refuses, just let it go. If she comes back later, then good- but don't cling onto this hope. Assume that she's just a friend if that's what she wants. Otherwise, it will eat you up alive.

[Creepy-Snaps]

We were both physically attracted to each other at first. We hung out a few times

Did you kiss? Or 'do anything' with each other? Otherwise you may have gotten friend-zoned.

[slownumbers]

Did you kiss? Or 'do anything' with each other? Otherwise you may have gotten friend-zoned.

Hey Mountain Dew (I love that drink, by the way)... We held hands a few times, never ended up kissing though. She would give me really long hugs the first few times we hung out, then we kind of transitioned into friend hugging.

I'm still attracted to her. She did at one point (after asking if we could just be friends) say that she likes to get to know someone really well first before dating, and isn't the type that can start dating someone she just meets. Doesn't seem typical of an ESTp though, so who knows what happened.

[discojoe]

Hold out for duality unless someone comes along that you fall in love with and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

I will wait for an EIE. I'll pick them out of crowds, assess them, size them up, interact with them, and engage them if I think they're excellent enough for me (I'm a catch, face it).

However, I will also happily accept a fun, outgoing IEI who likes to talk about intellectual stuff and who is really into me. I don't want to feel like SLEs are always tugging at their strings.

I'd also not mind a smart, fun ESE. The Si/Se thing isn't much of a hurdle, and the opposing hidden agendas can be shirked off after minor rows.

[Creepy-Snaps]

Hold out for duality unless someone comes along that you fall in love with and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

This too. Forgot to mention: are you dating anyone else right now? Maybe casually 'pursue' this girl, spend time with her, until someone else comes along, or things start going really well. What have you got to lose?

[Creepy-Snaps]

Hey Mountain Dew (I love that drink, by the way)... We held hands a few times, never ended up kissing though. She would give me really long hugs the first few times we hung out, then we kind of transitioned into friend hugging.

I'm still attracted to her. She did at one point (after asking if we could just be friends) say that she likes to get to know someone really well first before dating, and isn't the type that can start dating someone she just meets. Doesn't seem typical of an ESTp though, so who knows what happened.

Hmm. I've dated girls before without knowing them really. Kind of a learn-as-you-go thing lol. But it could be a sex thing. If she's a girl, might be more natural/safer for her to get to know a guy first. So friends first.

But I've also been incredibly patient before too. And gotten to know/watch people before making a move. That's characteristic of ESTp to really size someone up first, and judge them.

Overall it sounds like she's interested. Especially if she mentioned she has to know someone first, and liked you originally and held your hand. I'd say go for it.

How do you go for it? Well, if you're INFp, you're probably really shy. But just put yourself out there for her to contact you. Can you message/chat with her on facebook? Text or something? If she's SLE and interested, she'll want to start talking with you more/hanging out with you/spending more time with you. Could be a fairy-tale friend-first thing that grows.

Not to forget, if it is duality, the beginning stages are really tough. Getting to know each other. Most likely to fail early on. So just be patient. Keep spending time with each other.

And of course, I love Mountain Dew too.

[slownumbers]

Hmm. I've dated girls before without knowing them really. Kind of a learn-as-you-go thing lol. But it could be a sex thing. If she's a girl, might be more natural/safer for her to get to know a guy first. So friends first.

But I've also been incredibly patient before too. And gotten to know/watch people before making a move. That's characteristic of ESTp to really size someone up first, and judge them.

Overall it sounds like she's interested. Especially if she mentioned she has to know someone first, and liked you originally and held your hand. I'd say go for it.

How do you go for it? Well, if you're INFp, you're probably really shy. But just put yourself out there for her to contact you. Can you message/chat with her on facebook? Text or something? If she's SLE and interested, she'll want to start talking with you more/hanging out with you/spending more time with you. Could be a fairy-tale friend-first thing that grows.

Not to forget, if it is duality, the beginning stages are really tough. Getting to know each other. Most likely to fail early on. So just be patient. Keep spending time with each other.

And of course, I love Mountain Dew too.

We do email back and forth lengthy emails sometimes. She sends really long, nice, thoughtful emails when she does respond. She is always very excited about everything, it's cute and interacting with her makes me more of an optimistic person.

I have been letting her contact me first and ask me when she wants to hang out now. I've backed off since she has asked to be just friends... and strangely she has been asking to hang out more. She will ask to do date-like things, like go see a movie or get dinner together. I assume she just likes to have a lot of friends since she is extroverted.

With all that said though, I think I ended up making a mistake the last time we got together if there was any romantic chance left. Assuming I had been friend zoned, I brought up another girl that I had went on a date with the previous week and hooked up with and felt guilty about (since I normally don't do the one night stand thing and it is out of character for me). Anyway, she was still nice of course, but after I mentioned that I noticed the vibe between us changed a bit, and she started looking everywhere around the room except for me, and she wanted to head out shortly after. We haven't talked as much after that night as we normally do.

I'll stop rambling now before I end up with a novel here

P.S. Thanks everyone for your input! I appreciate all of your responses!

[Ezra]

I met a dual a few months ago. We were both physically attracted to each other at first. We hung out a few times and I felt really drawn towards her and missed her even though we didn't know each other that well. She later asked if it was okay if we were just friends, and she seemed to lose romantic interest. However, she seems really interested in being friends and contacts me to get together or just say hello, or get dinner or something. If we go through long periods without talking, she will eventually reach out to me.

Should I hold out hope that our duality will magically make her romantically interested again if we remain friends, or should I just move on?

Duality friendship is like any other friendship: if it didn't kick off at the start, it's highly unlikely to kick off now - especially if she explicitly stated she just wants to be your friend.

However, you may be in with a chance. Depends what you want. I wouldn't wait around though; I'd go seeking an SLE who really likes you.

BTW, I recognise that it's much harder for IEI males to pursue SLE females, not only because sometimes it's all to easy to fall into that stereotype of a 'shoulder to cry on'. If you want these women from the outset, be a bit more masculine. You might get them.

HOWEVER, having said that, I have an IEI good friend who got with his SLE friend FOUR YEARS after having known each other (remaining friends in that time).

[crazedrat]

If she is ESTp she will eventually have sex with you regardless of whether she considers you just a friend, so yeah you should just go along with it. Just get drunk or high with her and you'll probably end up having sex. You should buy some marijuana and alcohol and tell her you really want to drink it with her.

[discojoe]

1. Get them a puppy.
   
2. Wait like half a year so that they become attached to it.
   
3. Abduct puppy.
   
4. Inform SLE that puppy will die unless they agree to permanently enter into an intimate relationship with you.
   
5. Give back puppy, along with reminder to SLE that the puppy cannot be hidden from you.
   
6. Pat puppy on head.

[slownumbers]

@ Starfall - Haha, I found your post both amusing and helpful, thank you Very good points.

@ ananke - I did tell her I was interested in more than friends, and this is when she requested to be just friends. The "hope" I was referring to came about when she started contacting me more afterward and sending signals which seemed mixed to me.

In conclusion, I agree it is time to move on and let go of this situation. On a positive note, at least I got some good experience out of the situation. I know a little more about the personality of a dual, since she's been the first one I've met that I know of.

[Creepy-Snaps]

Stop analyzing. you shouldn't care, you're an E type remember? You're reconciling with values which is a part of rationalizing.

Don't tell me what to do. And don't tell me how to act based on my personality type.

In conclusion, I agree it is time to move on and let go of this situation. On a positive note, at least I got some good experience out of the situation. I know a little more about the personality of a dual, since she's been the first one I've met that I know of.

I guess that would be healthy then to move on. If you hung out and had a chance to kiss, but didn't, and never did anything to think of the other person sexually, then for taking it as experience and moving on to find someone else. Sounds like you didn't have much of any type of actual relationship, for any period of time, sorry, so just let this one rest. On a more positive note, you seem like the kind of person who would be able to heal and move on fairly easily.

[slownumbers]

Why's everyone saying "duality isn't everything" when I feel like it should be "romantic relationships aren't everything"?

You've met a dual and positively identified them, that's awesome and doesn't happen everyday. She wants to be friends, yay!

I think the sensible thing to do in this situation is be "just" friends, without any expectation of it becoming romantic. If it happens, it'll happen naturally - if not, having a good friend is an end in itself. Duals make great friends, as well as romantic partners... and it helps that people are often friends with their identicals, and their quadra members, which makes them good sources of other betas

Of course it might not be psychologically comfortable for you to stay "just friends" with a dual you're attracted to, in which case try to direct your focus away from her and onto other romantic interests, while remaining friends. Nothing good happens if IEIs try too hard.

Though it's kind of the opposite situation, I friendzoned my SLE bf for years... eventually we started hanging out together heaps and it just happened.

Very good point, octopuslove! I like your way of thinking. The thought definitely crossed my mind... Even though she just wanted to be friends, I was interested in continuing the friendship because I did enjoy spending time with her of course, and I wanted to learn what my dual was like since I had never met one.

Although that was the plan, I decided it's probably best to step back for a few different reasons. 1) I have a history of getting into "unrequited love" situations. I start to hang out with someone, develop feelings for them, and it is strictly platonic for them. At first it is fun, but then later it can be painful, when they start dating someone else, etc. 2) I notice hanging out with her puts a damper on other dating situations I attempt to pursue. Because I like her so much, when I'm on a date with another girl, I start thinking about her. Not good

With that said though, I hope someday down the road, once I'm over liking her romantically, that we can be good friends!

[Beautiful sky]

Hope? Why do you rely on "hope"? If you don't want to be just her friend, then tell her, and see what happens.

Great advice.

[discojoe]

Yeah.

[Satan]

well iei's are idealists.

[unbornesia]

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