Semi-duality Relations: Stories & Experiences

[eunice]

I thought there wasn't much discussion on semi-duals, so I decided to start a thread on it.

I noticed IRL an extravert in a semi-dual relation tends to name qualities of the corresponding introvert as those of his dream girl and possibly be infatuated when he meets one. From the introvert's perspective, she finds him impressive but too perfect for her taste, and he is someone she dreams of having but doesn't dare to confess her feelings to or even approach 'cos she thinks she's not good enough. They see things in the same perspective (e.g. Intuitives and Intuitives, Sensors and Sensors) and are more likely to understand each other even though they might not have similar interests or common goals in life. (At least that's what I observe among the people around me.)

Before I read about Socionics, I have always thought that the semi-dual relation is perfect for any relationship, be it platonic or romantic ones. So I guess I was kind of surprised to read that the harmony is broken when one of them does something that irritates the other (not sure what it means though. Perhaps misunderstanding, I guess.) and I thought it is kind of sad. I tried to think of RL examples among my friends of semi-duals who are romantically linked, and I realize that there isn't a single one. They are good friends at most.

Do you know of any semi-dual love relationships and marriages IRL? How are they like?

[Expat]

From my own limited personal experience, semi-dual relationships between rationals are great for friendships, but not for romantic relationships.

That was also the case of a m ISTj - f ESFj couple I knew about. Great in the beginning, disaster when they became a couple.

[discourse]

I think, but being never experienced it, that semi-duality is great for falling in love, but you will have to watch out not to fall into it very seriously. Like socionists and others say, it's not so ideal for living together. It's just good for being soulmates for a while.

But semi-duality between males could be a great friendship. I should find a guy who is my semi-dual and try the friendship out.

[Mea]

Not the best idea. Seriously.

Nuff said

[anndelise]

I'm in a semi-dual relationship. Have been in this relationship for almost 3 years (he keeps track of the dates). This has been the absolute longest relationship I have ever been in. Prior to Richard the longest relationship was a very volatile 9 months which was back in 1990. For years the average relationship had been 3 months, progressively narrowing down to 3 weeks, and finally a 3 day attempt to get to know someone. I had progressively became more aware of what I wanted in a relationship, as well as what I would or would not tolerate.

Around the time that I became aware of Richard's existence, I was attempting polyamory. I was in a relationship with two people, who also had relationships with others. Richard and I were both part of an online community. I'd read his posts, enjoy some of his humour (couldn't understand half of it though), but when I'd look at his picture or profile, I felt we weren't compatible and so I never contacted him. He says he was similar in that he'd look at MY profile, feel we weren't compatible, and so not contact ME.

Then, he went to a meeting of a part of that community that I was already attenting. This was the first time we saw each other in person. I remember recognizing him, and jumping up and rushing over to him before even thinking about what I was doing. I asked him if he was {online name}, he said yes. I started asking other questions before I realized that I was getting a very nasty look by the woman who'd been trying to talk to him prior to my interrupting them. oops

That whole evening, it seemed that he was a magnet to me. I was there with one of the people I was involved with. But it seemed that every time I moved or went to a part of the room, I'd find myself in the same area as Richard. I gave him my number when the meeting ended.

We began PMing each other, then it moved into chat, but as much as I hinted at him calling me, he wouldn't call! I was so frustrated. I'd become obsessed with him. Talking about him to even the two people in my life. One of them developed an intense jealousy. (I don't blame her.)

My real birthday was coming up (I'm a leap year baby, bday comes once every four years) and I was planning on having a fairly big celebration. I wanted Richard to come, really badly. So I told him I wasn't going to invite him unless he called me. The phone almost immediately rang. It was him. On the phone he was very quite and spoke briefly. This man hates the phone, yet he called me so he could celebrate with me!!! This made me feel so special!

The party went great! The girl caused jealousy drama. (a fellow enfp) And Richard danced with me even though he doesn't like dancing either. The guy I was involved with encouraged Richard and my getting to know each other.

From that day on, we talked every day. On the phone and on the computer. I became even more obsessed. The girl and I ended our relationship. And the Richard filled in that time I'd spent talking/hanging out with her. Then I reduced time with the guy I was seeing, so that Richard and I could spend more time together. Until finally I began to feel guilty every time I was with the guy. I dropped the time with him to two days a week, and finally to one day a week. And when the guy showed up on his first "day", I ended the relationship with him. Richard had been coming over after work every day. And on that day I'd had to tell Richard it was time for him to leave. I felt as if I was kicking him out of his own home just so I could be with another guy. I hated the feeling. So on when the other guy showed up, I ended it, called Richard to come back. Richard spent that night with me (the first time he'd spent the night), and we've only spent one night apart (business trip) since then. (I'm a polyamory drop out...hehehe)

In the first three months, we'd had three arguments (they were pretty big, could have ruined the relationship), each of them were over politics, and each stemmed from Fi vs Fe. So we determined no more politics allowed in the house. Since that agreement, we've not had an argument since.

Richard accepts my selfishness, my inability to focus for long, my impatience, my idiosyncrasies, and my choosing studying over typical relationship activities. Not just accepts them, but even loves me for some of them. He takes good care of me. If I say I want something, he gets it. If I want something done, he does it. If I'm distracted from doing something, he does it for me. I was dreaming hard of a house with a yard, he began looking at homes for sale. (We live in one now. but this was within the first year of our relationship.)

I don't feel as if I give him the kind of relationship he deserves. And I admit that there are some things that I miss from other relationships I've had. He's more emotional than I am, and freezes up in emergencies. I find myself having to be the strong one. This has been hard, as I dont have a shoulder to cry on when I'm frustrated because if he sees me even close to crying, he begins crying and I wind up having to set aside my emotions and comfort him. This leaves me to having to "time" my cries for when he's not around. We have similar weaknesses especially regarding lifestyle choices, but we seem to cycle between who's the "gotta have it" one and who's the hestitant one. I like more passion during...um...bedtime. That is a thing I really miss, but once in a while he tries. We can't really share our interests, for example, he very much dislikes hearing about socionics, and I'm not much into strategy/war rpg games. And there's some other minor things that I don't get. But, all in all, this has been the most satisfactory relationship I've ever been in. He tells me all the time that he feels lucky to have me in his life. I know for damned sure I'm lucky to have him in MY life.

Oh, and my infj mom, who is VERY much against pre-marital sex and has never liked any of my boyfriends, likes and accepts Richard in my life. It's been a complete turn around. Usually she'd get quiet at the mere mention of a guy I'm seeing. She didn't care for meeting the guys, etc. But with Richard, it was like an immediate interest and acceptance of him in my life.

And finally, I'd always figured I'd never marry. The concept of being tied to one person for the rest of my life has always been.....unimaginable. And yet, Richard is helping me get some things sorted out (like my finances) so that we can marry. He's been the only person I feel safe and comfortable enough around to be willing to take some of the steps I've been taking since being with him.

Semi-duality can definitely work.

[cracka]

Sounds like a pretty good thing you got there Ann. I'm happy it's working for ya.

[Jarno]

I just wanted to describe a funny experience I've recently had.

I was communicating with someone of the opposite sex. We got energized, and I got this same feeling that I've had with a Dual. A sort of complete trust, and as if I knew the person for all my life. So in the first place I misjudged it as a Dual.

After talking on the phone it didn't quite feel and sound like my Dual and soon I recognized the language of my Semidual.

After some time again we spoke again and the other person confessed to me feeling very energized and complete trust when we were communicating.

I was baffled that the other person, who didn't know socionics, could feel these things (=5th function) so clear...

[Slacker]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

[leckysupport]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

Isn't that just because ISFps just create warmer feelings than ISTps in general for everyone?

[Slacker]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

Isn't that just because ISFps just create warmer feelings than ISTps in general for everyone?

Oh yeah I guess this could be type-specific.

[Jarno]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

Isn't that just because ISFps just create warmer feelings than ISTps in general for everyone?

That looks obvious, but if you ask me, it doesn't matter what type it is.

An INTP like me isn't the most populair person to get someone energized.
And my experience with different relations is that you sometimes after a couple of seconds already know who you are dealing with. This is not type specific.

[Jarno]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

I agree, reaction is faster with Semidual instead of Dual. Duals normally take a while to notice it. (not always though)

[leckysupport]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

Isn't that just because ISFps just create warmer feelings than ISTps in general for everyone?

That looks obvious, but if you ask me, it doesn't matter what type it is.

An INTP like me isn't the most populair person to get someone energized.
And my experience with different relations is that you sometimes after a couple of seconds already know who you are dealing with. This is not type specific.

Warmer more accepting people are going to make you feel better about talking to them. If you're an arrogant bastard who scowls at everyone you pass by you will not make people feel better about themselves. Some types make a massive effort to make people feel welcome and warm. Others don't.

This initial warm welcoming feeling sometimes hits before you know the people properly. That's why people can talk their ways into advantageous situations and others can't. If it was completely related to type relations no one would be able to do this, since it would be more about luck than effort. But they do this and they do it because it works.

[Jarno]

Warmer more accepting people are going to make you feel better about talking to them.

Yes that is certainly true.

I'm referring more to the (in this case) energizing and feeling of complete trust. The feeling of wich the socionic relationship is responsible for.

[Slacker]

I don't know about "energizing" but I definitely immediately felt complete trust for my husband. That and comfort were the two most striking things about him. Though what I mostly trusted was that he wouldn't run around gossiping about me and that could be type-specific too.

[Jarno]

I don't know about "energizing" but I definitely immediately felt complete trust for my husband. That and comfort were the two most striking things about him. Though what I mostly trusted was that he wouldn't run around gossiping about me and that could be type-specific too.

maybe if my description is a bit different, you recognize something of it in your own relation.

energizing: feeling free to do what you want. feeling that you aren't being judged or watched. Be yourself completely.

This makes people not examening their own behaviour anymore, and therefor more free to be active.
Hence the name Energizing.

[Exodus]

I definitely have a warmer immediate reaction to ISFps than ISTps. My first reaction to my husband was really just comfort. It took a little while to reach "warmth". I wouldn't doubt if people pretty often mistake their semi-dual for their dual based soley on first impressions.

What about the opposite?

[Jarno]

What about the opposite?

probably the same, but it's maybe due to my first looking/guessing for a dual relationship that i wouldn't make the opposite mistake.

[Exodus]

What about the opposite?

probably the same, but it's maybe due to my first looking/guessing for a dual relationship that i wouldn't make the opposite mistake.

Yes, that is probably true in general.

[aka-kitsune]

Brief mentioned my current sitch with an ESFp in another thread – got a huge crush on him. Alright, parhaps it’s moved into huge infatuation at this point. Story is, we’re in a play together (The Tempest). He’s Ferdinand, I’m Miranda. Suffice to say, there’s a lot of romantic-esque interaction like kissing, touching etc. It’s like a dream for me in a way – a romantic interest wholly sanctioned (indeed encouraged) to invade my personal space at will. So exhilirating, titillating... I’m awash in anticipation.

In rehearsals, he’s been literally all over me – flirting intensely, immensely suggestive, highly sexual banter and then sometimes cute shy aside comments delivered in a very sincere tone. Other people notice. I was crazy enough to think he might actually be attracted to me...

Yesterday, he phoned me at home for the first time and asked for a ride home from rehearsal that night. I was elated. And I really thought this might be a genuine “move” on his part.

Not.

Just a ride.

What the hell is with this blowing hot and cool? Felt like a cold shower! Dammit, I really hate getting things so horribly wrong! Just when I was feeling some confidence in my assessment of the situation... now I have to regroup and reassess. I feel like I’m operating blind. Intuition entirely scrambled... and I feel like I'm back at square one.

Not a lot of info here on the semi-dual relationship, other than the general description of just this kind of occasional “thing” done by one partner to cause misunderstanding in the other. Chronic setback.

Ideas? Input?

[Jarno]

the moth and the flame story...


well there's little you can do as socionics relations work out like the are described.

Just be happy to have your dual seeking function covered. not many people have experienced that situation.

[aka-kitsune]

the moth and the flame story...

well there's little you can do as socionics relations work out like the are described.

Just be happy to have your dual seeking function covered. not many people have experienced that situation.

"Dual-seeking" function...? May I ask what that means? (Kinda newbie to the advanced lingo) And why is this situation on the rare side?

[Jarno]

the moth and the flame story...

well there's little you can do as socionics relations work out like the are described.

Just be happy to have your dual seeking function covered. not many people have experienced that situation.

"Dual-seeking" function...? May I ask what that means? (Kinda newbie to the advanced lingo) And why is this situation on the rare side?

The great part of semi duality is that it shares the half of dualism, namely the most developed function of your partner is your most weak uncounscious function. When getting aid in that specific area, you should feel: energized and complete trust.

This is a rare thing, because only semi duality and duality itself have this in common.

The bad thing is, semi duality hasn't got the other half of duality but instead a function which causes: discussions and misunderstandings.

[aka-kitsune]

Just go with the flow, and trust your gut, while at the same time, try to relax, and not take things too seriously. In other words, don't get suckered, but don't be a demanding cynic all the time either.

Ugh. Telling me to trust my gut is like telling me to learn advanced theoretical physics. And how to not take things too seriously... if only. Of course I do it to myself, really. Imagination slips the bounds of reality and rushes off into brilliant, glittering flights of fancy...

I'm a skeptic, I think, rather than a cynic. But the "I really want to believe" kind...

[aka-kitsune]

The great part of semi duality is that it shares the half of dualism, namely the most developed function of your partner is your most weak uncounscious function. When getting aid in that specific area, you should feel: energized and complete trust.

This is a rare thing, because only semi duality and duality itself have this in common.

As an INFp, my dual is ESTp? Correct? Well... I've had more than a few experiences with my dual -- two or three romantic relationships. Each time, it seemed there was a fundamental basic disconnect in values. Yes, it was energizing, but there still were so many issues: emotional struggles, tears (my part), big dramatic scenes. Never felt complete trust. And they always end in flames.

Also... just my impression, but I always hit a wall with any "T" type in a romantic involvement. They can just turn cold suddenly, like ice in the veins cold. Brutal, stinging cold that cuts in an instant to the most hurtful place. :uch::

[Ms. Kensington]

sometimes i take pride in my coldness

Seems like you start appreciating the other values later in life. You sound like you are still young, as in, in high school?

[aka-kitsune]

Seems like you start appreciating the other values later in life. You sound like you are still young, as in, in high school?

Funny. But I'm so not. That was more than half a life ago.

[ScarlettLux]

Aww, aka... how are you? I relate to much of what you post, not a surprise.

Hmm, I don't really know how to give advice on this... I haven't had a romantic relationship with Semi-Dual before... plus I'm still not sure if I'm ENFj or INFp, so forgive me.

But in regards to Duality and you have 2/3 romantic relationships and them all failing... don't get too worked up about it. I put way too much faith in Socionics at one point and it totally fucked me over. Just because two people are Duals doesn't mean at all that they'll work out, in any sort of way. I swear even Conflictors could be in a relationship together, if certain things are aligned. I mean there are people of the same type that I know, 4 ENTps for example, and they are all so different and my relationship with all of them differ so completely... sure, some shallow surface things seem similar, but I am so glad that I've finally come the realization that Socionics isn't the be all and end all, you know? Just took me some time... this is why I started disliking the whole thing, because 1. I am not quite so intellectual enough to keep a steady balance between the theoretical and what is real/applied ...

[force my hand]

In rehearsals, he’s been literally all over me – flirting intensely, immensely suggestive, highly sexual banter and then sometimes cute shy aside comments delivered in a very sincere tone. Other people notice. I was crazy enough to think he might actually be attracted to me...

He is.

YMMV.

[redbaron]

Stop thinking. Thinking too much has screwed me over more than once. Don't make things more than they are, and don't blow anything out of proportion.

When you're really really into someone, every little thing seems to take on way more meaning than normal. None of us are mind-readers, so we can't know what was going on with him. Just go with the flow, and trust your gut, while at the same time, try to relax, and not take things too seriously. In other words, don't get suckered, but don't be a demanding cynic all the time either. (Not that you are, just that I am, lol)

Oh this is really good advice. Much harder to put into practice of course. But it def. does sound like he likes you so hang in there!

[aka-kitsune]

Aww, aka... how are you? I relate to much of what you post, not a surprise.

Regrouping, distracting myself... whatever I do, I'm NOT chasing him. That never works for me. Besides, this is all just part of the Dance, innit?

But in regards to Duality and you have 2/3 romantic relationships and them all failing... don't get too worked up about it. I put way too much faith in Socionics at one point and it totally fucked me over. Just because two people are Duals doesn't mean at all that they'll work out, in any sort of way. I swear even Conflictors could be in a relationship together, if certain things are aligned. I mean there are people of the same type that I know, 4 ENTps for example, and they are all so different and my relationship with all of them differ so completely... sure, some shallow surface things seem similar, but I am so glad that I've finally come the realization that Socionics isn't the be all and end all, you know?

Theory is really just theory in the end. I always find it ridiculous whenever someone makes blanket "type" statements in any system. Like "this" type is best with "this" type and doesn't get along with "this" one. Theory isn't always practical when you're actually faced with reality.

Still... my tendency is to try and understand. Gather insight and information. (Basically, just a vain attempt to feel "prepared".)

[Jarno]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

Theory is a the way of explaining real life events. So it can be pretty accurate.

[aka-kitsune]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

Theory is a the way of explaining real life events. So it can be pretty accurate.

Yes. However, I still don't believe theory should be so narrowly followed as to preclude actual *experience*.

[Ms. Kensington]

Seems like you start appreciating the other values later in life. You sound like you are still young, as in, in high school?

Funny. But I'm so not. That was more than half a life ago.

oh, sorry. I guess I think of plays, I think of high school romance.

[aka-kitsune]

Seems like you start appreciating the other values later in life. You sound like you are still young, as in, in high school?

Funny. But I'm so not. That was more than half a life ago.

oh, sorry. I guess I think of plays, I think of high school romance.

You're right about the "high school romance" (certainly feels that way at times). But it's community theatre! We're a relatively new Shakespeare repertory group. Theatre groups at this level are typically quite incestuous. Sometimes more drama behind the scenes than in front! :wink:

[FDG]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

?????

[Jarno]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

?????

This means that a relationship cannot be changed to another type of relationship.

[FDG]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

?????

This means that a relationship cannot be changed to another type of relationship.

Meh. There are no set of rules in the real world.

[Jarno]

if you know more about socionics relations and experience them in real life, you will realize that relationships follow a set of rules of which they cannot deviate.

?????

This means that a relationship cannot be changed to another type of relationship.

Meh. There are no set of rules in the real world.

How about are you able to change your type?

There are lots of rules and limits in the real world, and that's what essentially Socionics is describing regarding types and relationships.

[FDG]

Of course type can change in each temperament (EJ EP IP IJ) ring.

I don't think socionics describes limits. It describes things as they happen, general patterns.