I still have a lot to write of my questionnaire. I don’t have enough time to get into everything, but I will do my best to finish it..As I said in my other post, I excluded a few types of trauma I’ve had pre-verbally and with my health (“vital” Si on the ladder). Starting with the health trauma: In 2022, I started to become very sick as the result of psychological breakdown, and from my mother having purposefully, yes, purposefully, given me COVID. You see, there was construction going on in our house.. I had begged my mother to place me with my grandfather or even in a hotel, as with my autism, I cannot bear the loudness of such things.. I was having a meltdown (sensory) when they were knocking things down in the house and was yelling and cussing.. My mother being “embarrassed” (mind you, even though one of the workers had an autistic son) had threatened to breathe in my face if I wouldn’t stop, and she knew she had Covid (yes, she had people in our house in spite, as she isn’t mindful like that).. I couldn’t stop, so she cornered myself to the library back bookcase (the whole wall is a book case) and breathed in my face and slapped me, for my inability to calm down and “embarrassing” her. I’ve gotten her confessing to this on video, but will not post it here.I developed sickness I believe from this activating the HLAB27 gene in me is tested for, positively… And extreme psychological stress that occurred from PTSD and oral ordeals.. I ensured significant medical gaslighting, as no one knew what was wrong with me, and I endured a plethora of misdiagnoses, until a very thorough ILI 5 core caught my rheumatoid arthritis, she was the only one who bothered to test for this, as you don’t tend develop such a thing until mid age… Even on the 16T discord, I was dealing with a lot of people just saying I’m being an “Si brake” eie and it further traumatized myself with further invalidation. This will have explanation later on, with why I reacted the way I did in that time on that server…The other medical trauma is that I broke my left front tooth at age 8, which to me, in my child perspective, even younger than 8 mentally due to autism, was like losing a finger. I hated the fake tooth and often grinder it against the surface of objects and I wanted get revenge on the woman connected to it.. I will later on get into this in the reaction categorization. Almost forgot to include this, but I nearly died at age 2, had go to an ER where they ruled out spinal meningitis with a spinal tap… I’d a 105 degree fever, which for a toddler, is even more lethal, as their body can lesser handle heat.At birth, my right clavicle had been broken by the suction.. My mother had induced me a week early, as she thought I’d be a hardy build as my father, when neither myself or my sister ended up being.. I didn’t want come out, so they had to rough handle me and fractured her pelvis (mother’s) and broke my collarbone/clavicle. It was unknown it was broken for 6+ weeks, so I was in agony as a newborn often.Whilst I bear no conscious memory of these means, I am sure the first few days of my existence pain harbors away deep into my unconscious and its reactions… There won’t be anyway to know definitively without a Time Machine or astral travel to the past, but it’s possible I faced molestation as an infant or two-year old. My father had hired two later on convicted pedophiles, that were around me often in that timeframe. I had started masturbating from memory by at least three, and it’s possible it embarked younger. The only memory I have is sitting on Zack’s lap when I was 3, in a sketcher’s with my father nearby, and he didn’t touch me inappropriately, but this is my only memory with him, and then in a restaurant vaguely. Kyle, the other pedophile, had been my volleyball coach when I was 8, and he was around me as a toddler and infant as well. I didn’t have any repulsion’s to him when he was my coach, however.I don’t believe Kyle or Zack’scrimes had do with prepubescent children though, I believe 14 was the age of one of the victims for Kyle. Whilst this is pedophilia, it is hard to say if they would do the same thing to a baby or toddler. I was also left alone once with my cousin Michael, who had sexual deviance and my mother’s friends’s other infant son, Christian. I sometimes have weird flashes of memory regarding him, but I can’t ever uncover it. There will never anytime soon be a direct, physical way to know if I’ve faced molestation. My uncle Rhea, a convicted lifelong felon
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/losangel...ctims-husband/, had been sexually suggestive to me once when I was 15, and he was around me as an infant and toddler… He had said I’ve a nice tight ass and wanted to take me to Victoria’s Secret to buy me yoga pants to show it off.Whilst he was sexual with me in that way, and I was afraid of him for different reasons with his reckless driving and untrustworthy personality, I never felt any repulsion from him or sexual feelings arouse. My sister, however, later on strangely enough said she was afraid of him raping her. She would’ve been 12 when he was around her a lot, so if she was afraid of him because he made comments, he was sexual with a 12 year old which is not fully pubescent. My cousin Chelsea, who had hit me, had been repeatedly molested as a baby with my aunt’s drug addict male friends. She has weird reactions to intercourse and has scarring in there. I’ve never had inter course so wouldn’t know, but when masturbating, sometimes I cry.
Personality shifts I endured significant shifts in my personality— most notably at age 15, so much to a point that with my other symptoms (muscle spasms, icepick/suicide headaches, doctors suspected I’d a brain tumor and I was tested.I had never been violent in my life, not to any physical assault I had, including the choking, but at this age, I became more defiant towards my parents, and only my parents. I believe if this forced out of my to survive and with repeated nervous system flares, such as my sister charging at me, and then out of impulse when she was, I whipped my iPhone charger at her, and it left a bump on her head (which I got in extreme trouble for, and I didn’t even want to hurt her, merely defend myself).. Being so unaware with sensation and force, I’d no idea that I would land it that hard to a point of her injuring and it was a moment of reactive defense.. My father repeatedly sped and threatened to crash the car and kill is at this age, he started before, but it occurred in the highest frequency at this age, so much, I tried to run away from home.All 3 of my immediate family are 4D De types, which gets into the territory of a different question.. and they all
forced aggression from myself… Anyhow, I have very important things that I’d like to share in documentation, as I believe they are educationalin terms of my gnarly personality shift, that resulted from extreme trauma and abuse..This will likely be the only component I continue today…
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...a04c32a94be6e&
Whilst I showed significant emotional disturbance by age 13, starting at age 11, the full shift occurred at 15.
This again, was the age I tried running away from home.. My search history on my phone would’ve showed ways to conceal my autism, and also wikihow searches on how to successfully run away from home… As well as how to commit suicide without any pain.This was the age my threshold had been met, and I became an overflowing spout of water from the bucket I carried of all my traumatic baggage.
15 1/2 specifically… I had my first outpatient and inpatient psychiatric placement. For a lot of low line to 2 4 behaviors with attention seeking via self-harm… The inpatient unit had distressed me so much, I came out of it with vertigo for a week, with my perception being a continual spinning motion..I was living in a hyper ptsd state, as they medicated me with the pill my mother had placed in my food, and I had a serious reaction to that pill the day she bumped it to 10 Mg, with a headache that made me believe I was dying.My threshold was quite high, as by the time before I had this break, I had already faced routine (daily) emotional abuse in my household, sporadic occurrences of physical abuse throughout the months, daily mild to moderate bullying, isolated severe incidences of bullying (choking, plotting take my life).. At least one incidence of sexual abuse (I say one, because it’s possible I was molested as a baby or two-year old, and I have no way to know this for sure. And if you count what my father did as sexual abuse with the biting, then I had regular sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to classify it fully, it’s a breach of a sexual boundary, and is also physical). I’ve faced at least two sexual assaults, but the other one that happened 100% was after this age.It took a decade of trauma overtime to collapse me full-on..Prior to this shift, I had no aggression or paranoia towards my family. I still have no paranoia towards others outside of specific ptsd triggers and have never been physically aggressive towards anyone but my mother or father.I am incapable of immense physical aggression. Even with my parents, it has been object throws, pinching and slapping.. It is out of element for myself, and it is an emotional extreme push. When I was molested by a man named Tony, my mother’s friend (which yes, is pair personality shift), I turnt my arm and jerked it and I just froze, I couldn’t slap him.Whilst it was there by the time I had instagram (age 13, one month short of 14) with my expressiveness, as I begun to disintegrate into 2 at this age, I was not as histrionic until 15, and especially age 18. Maybe it’s the whole “personality disorder generally onsets by young adulthood”, as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 17, even though I don’t believe I’ve it full-on and have cptsd with bpd features..As a child, I was more of a delta NF in behavioral models… There was nothing vastly beta about myself or Se valuing in general.. I’d have been typed by others, as something as EII-Ne or IEE-Fi, likely the former, with no ability to outwardly organize well (1D Te). I’d say at age 12-13 I started to get there, and by 15, my behavior fully shifted into Beta. I was the embodiment of dreamy fairy girl who keeps in her own bubble, creates alternate worlds in her own sphere, and fantasizes having one close friend.I will complete other portions in this post later on; themes and I’ll add a parental background categorization…. I will also have to finish my shadow shift later on, as I have to go.. I will edit this post and add in more at a later time.Quickly, though people are probably wondering how I had so much trauma, aaaaand.. To simplify, autism. Autism with dysfunctional family dynamic on extended both sides, which placed me into further positions to face more traumatization. I’ll build on this in a separate category. Combined with an atypically that others pathologize and treated as an illness.