Your Type and Traumatic Reactions of your own

[Braingel]

I had planned to make this thread quite a long time ago, but I believe this is something that needs address, as this site has a vast history of childhood abuse, neglect or overall adversity, such as death of a parent.. It may even be the most important thread that will end up being made on this site…

Some behaviors may fuse if they become maladaptive patterns, but overall, I believe people mistype as reactive cores in enneagram, and especially 6 core (an anxiety centered type, and ptsd is an anxiety disorder), and also higher Fe and higher Se.. Even when this may. It necessarily be the case. It may also show specific patterns and confirm certain theories like shadow or grip.

Now, people need to realize that their reactions and behavior in a traumatic environment of origin would likely differ from their behavior from years upon years of living away..

This is sort of a “survey”, I suppose, but I would like you to if it isn’t too personal, enlist:

-Behaviors you had whilst you were living around a traumatic environment, and especially if you’ve been abused, your behaviors there..
-How many years you’ve lived away from traumatic stimulus or have processed the trauma
-If you believe others would’ve mistyped you a certain thing or if you behaved more of a certain type…
-Personality shifts that occurred after the trauma from your original nature, and also that changes after you got out of the trauma or processed it
-What your self-type(s) is/are (list the school you use, for instance, school of classical socionics, John beebe, Naranjo or RH enneagram, etc)
-the kind of trauma (as I believe some forms of trauma may beget specific behaviors that may be sort of universal reactions. For instance, a victim do gaslighting will probably feel more inclined to “prove” and show, or outright reject talking to anyone.
-the duration and amount of years of the trauma (this would also have a prevalent role in behavioral formation)
-Whether you were conscious or unconscious of certain behaviors
-outlooks you’ve developed as the result of the traumatic stimulus
-your own theories in why you’ve developed the way you had

Unfortunately, I cannot vastly answer my own questionnaire, because I live with my family, however, when I’ve lived in youth facilities, I became much more complacent and less volatile.

Rules of this thread:

1) You cannot invalidate someone else’s trauma
2) You cannot argue someone’s self-type in this thread
3) Whilst sympathy can give, try keep it mostly on topic

As I started to write my own response, I realize that you also need specify the relationships had relative to abuse and trauma.

My own response to my questionnaire—

Note: I have to go, so I will make a continuation post later on…



Types of trauma:


1) Primary emotional abuse and emotional neglect (parental)
2) Isolated incidences of physical abuse (parental, cousin, bullying physical assaults by peers)
3) Isolated sexual assault (mother’s friend, stranger)
4) Chronic inappropriate sexual boundary violated by father up to age 15 (“love biting”, but never my breasts or genital. But my nubile body, including buttocks and thighs)
5) School bullying primary
6) Medicated food by mother for a few months with Lexapro
7) Taken out of house in midst of night by youth transporters (age recently turnt 16)
8) chronic online harassment
9) chronic mental health stigma towards borderline personality disorder
10) Secondary emotional abuse from youth caregiver (facility called Cathedral Home for Children with staff)
11) Chronically ill sister
12) Primary and secondary (extended) family dysfunction: abuse, alcoholism, criminality at felon level, power imbalance dynamic, breech of boundaries, meth use (extended)
13) psychiatric inpatients

My self-types:

Western socionics: IEI
Classical Socionics: EII
MBTI: INFP
John Beebe: INFP
Oscar Ichazo 4, 479
Claudio Naranjo: Social 4
RH: social 4w5
modern tritype: 461
Big 5: RLUE/AI

Duration of trauma:

School bullying: kindergarten to eleventh grade, isolated incidences in 12th and I dropped out

Emotional abuse: around 16-17 years (so I tend say 15+ years, because I can’t remember the exact date)

Physical abuse: happened in isolated episodes throughout childhood, hard to pin a duration
Father’s inappropriate biting boundary: infancy to fifteen. I learnt from my mother, who normalized the behavior, that he did it to me as a baby, which wasn’t as weird admittedly, it’s weird it happened in my pubescent time

Online harassment: around 6 1/2 years

Regular stigma: around 3-4 years


More specific in types of abuse:
Emotional: Family— name calling (“worthless piece of shit”, “stupid girl”, “dumbass”, “mother fucker”, “bitch”, “cunt”), gaslighting (accusing me of having “hallucinated” my molest and physical abuse seconds after I was hit. I’ve never hallucinated in my life), terrorizing threats (speeding and threatening crash car, faking me out with remotes and standing out door and threatening harm me and standing in my face with an object, threatening break it on my head), favoritism with mother saying sister is favorite child and double standards (mother punishing me for my reactions to my sister’s bullying, including sexual harassment and threatening me with psych ward and police).. Blackmail, including out of reporting and guilt tripping with child protective services with my sister’s physical illnesses and how she needs medical care, when I was 17
Facility staff: name calling (“snot”, spoilt princess”), therapist broke my confidentiality to other girls like me walking naked in front of parents (my parents told the therapist that, and well.. I learnt do that because of father’s love biting and my mother also being naked sometimes), therapist threatening to put me in a psych ward if I cried and she knew how much psych wards scared myself.. Never feeling like I can tell her anything, taking me back from a public outing for crying in public and my make up away and yelling at me in car for crying.

Physical: Father— Hair pull, pull and shake me by hair (once), spankings with hands and wooden spoons, pinning me down, biting is physical/sexual, slapping.. Mother: hit with back brace of my sister’s, spankings, pinching and grabbing.. Wyatt (peer): isolated incidence of choking, Raquel’s (peer), whipping me with a belt and placing a beetle in my ear (in facility), Brittany (peer): chronically pinched my arms in girl’s locker room at Nadadore’s swim team.. For maybe 2 years, Kiani (peer) isolated incidence of slapping me, cousin Chelsea: isolated incidence of hitting me whilst she was drunk when I was 14 and she, 21

Other notable bullying: George plotted take my life at age 13 and got expelled from the catholic school and a juice record and restraining order, locked in a bathroom for the duration of summer camp break when I was 11, social media post when I was 12 that spread to other schools and those girls got in huge trouble.. Had my backpack taken numerous times whilst I was in a lunchline and not attending my backpack, and it was found in the drinking fountain drenched and soaked.. Age 7: girls tried blame me for a girl’s bloody nose that I didn’t do..

[Braingel]

My own response to my questionnaire—

Note: I have to go, so I will make a continuation post later on…



Types of trauma:


1) Primary emotional abuse and emotional neglect (parental)
2) Isolated incidences of physical abuse (parental, cousin, bullying physical assaults by peers)
3) Isolated sexual assault (mother’s friend, stranger)
4) Chronic inappropriate sexual boundary violated by father up to age 15 (“love biting”, but never my breasts or genital. But my nubile body, including buttocks and thighs)
5) School bullying primary
6) Medicated food by mother for a few months with Lexapro
7) Taken out of house in midst of night by youth transporters (age recently turnt 16)
8) chronic online harassment
9) chronic mental health stigma towards borderline personality disorder
10) Secondary emotional abuse from youth caregiver (facility called Cathedral Home for Children with staff)
11) Chronically ill sister
12) Primary and secondary (extended) family dysfunction: abuse, alcoholism, criminality at felon level, power imbalance dynamic, breech of boundaries, meth use (extended)
13) psychiatric inpatients

My self-types:

Western socionics: IEI
Classical Socionics: EII
MBTI: INFP
John Beebe: INFP
Oscar Ichazo 4, 479
Claudio Naranjo: Social 4
RH: social 4w5
modern tritype: 461
Big 5: RLUE/AI

Duration of trauma:

School bullying: kindergarten to eleventh grade, isolated incidences in 12th and I dropped out

Emotional abuse: around 16-17 years (so I tend say 15+ years, because I can’t remember the exact date)

Physical abuse: happened in isolated episodes throughout childhood, hard to pin a duration
Father’s inappropriate biting boundary: infancy to fifteen. I learnt from my mother, who normalized the behavior, that he did it to me as a baby, which wasn’t as weird admittedly, it’s weird it happened in my pubescent time

Online harassment: around 6 1/2 years

Regular stigma: around 3-4 years


More specific in types of abuse:
Emotional: Family— name calling (“worthless piece of shit”, “stupid girl”, “dumbass”, “mother fucker”, “bitch”, “cunt”), gaslighting (accusing me of having “hallucinated” my molest and physical abuse seconds after I was hit. I’ve never hallucinated in my life), terrorizing threats (speeding and threatening crash car, faking me out with remotes and standing out door and threatening harm me and standing in my face with an object, threatening break it on my head), favoritism with mother saying sister is favorite child and double standards (mother punishing me for my reactions to my sister’s bullying, including sexual harassment and threatening me with psych ward and police).. Blackmail, including out of reporting and guilt tripping with child protective services with my sister’s physical illnesses and how she needs medical care, when I was 17
Facility staff: name calling (“snot”, spoilt princess”), therapist broke my confidentiality to other girls like me walking naked in front of parents (my parents told the therapist that, and well.. I learnt do that because of father’s love biting and my mother also being naked sometimes), therapist threatening to put me in a psych ward if I cried and she knew how much psych wards scared myself.. Never feeling like I can tell her anything, taking me back from a public outing for crying in public and my make up away and yelling at me in car for crying.

Physical: Father— Hair pull, pull and shake me by hair (once), spankings with hands and wooden spoons, pinning me down, biting is physical/sexual, slapping.. Mother: hit with back brace of my sister’s, spankings, pinching and grabbing.. Wyatt (peer): isolated incidence of choking, Raquel’s (peer), whipping me with a belt and placing a beetle in my ear (in facility), Brittany (peer): chronically pinched my arms in girl’s locker room at Nadadore’s swim team.. For maybe 2 years, Kiani (peer) isolated incidence of slapping me, cousin Chelsea: isolated incidence of hitting me whilst she was drunk when I was 14 and she, 21

Other notable bullying: George plotted take my life at age 13 and got expelled from the catholic school and a juice record and restraining order, locked in a bathroom for the duration of summer camp break when I was 11, social media post when I was 12 that spread to other schools and those girls got in huge trouble.. Had my backpack taken numerous times whilst I was in a lunchline and not attending my backpack, and it was found in the drinking fountain drenched and soaked.. Age 7: girls tried blame me for a girl’s bloody nose that I didn’t do..

I still have a lot to write of my questionnaire. I don’t have enough time to get into everything, but I will do my best to finish it..

As I said in my other post, I excluded a few types of trauma I’ve had pre-verbally and with my health (“vital” Si on the ladder).

Starting with the health trauma:

In 2022, I started to become very sick as the result of psychological breakdown, and from my mother having purposefully, yes, purposefully, given me COVID.

You see, there was construction going on in our house.. I had begged my mother to place me with my grandfather or even in a hotel, as with my autism, I cannot bear the loudness of such things.. I was having a meltdown (sensory) when they were knocking things down in the house and was yelling and cussing.. My mother being “embarrassed” (mind you, even though one of the workers had an autistic son) had threatened to breathe in my face if I wouldn’t stop, and she knew she had Covid (yes, she had people in our house in spite, as she isn’t mindful like that).. I couldn’t stop, so she cornered myself to the library back bookcase (the whole wall is a book case) and breathed in my face and slapped me, for my inability to calm down and “embarrassing” her. I’ve gotten her confessing to this on video, but will not post it here.

I developed sickness I believe from this activating the HLAB27 gene in me is tested for, positively… And extreme psychological stress that occurred from PTSD and oral ordeals..

I ensured significant medical gaslighting, as no one knew what was wrong with me, and I endured a plethora of misdiagnoses, until a very thorough ILI 5 core caught my rheumatoid arthritis, she was the only one who bothered to test for this, as you don’t tend develop such a thing until mid age… Even on the 16T discord, I was dealing with a lot of people just saying I’m being an “Si brake” eie and it further traumatized myself with further invalidation.

This will have explanation later on, with why I reacted the way I did in that time on that server…

The other medical trauma is that I broke my left front tooth at age 8, which to me, in my child perspective, even younger than 8 mentally due to autism, was like losing a finger. I hated the fake tooth and often grinder it against the surface of objects and I wanted get revenge on the woman connected to it.. I will later on get into this in the reaction categorization.

Almost forgot to include this, but I nearly died at age 2, had go to an ER where they ruled out spinal meningitis with a spinal tap… I’d a 105 degree fever, which for a toddler, is even more lethal, as their body can lesser handle heat.

At birth, my right clavicle had been broken by the suction.. My mother had induced me a week early, as she thought I’d be a hardy build as my father, when neither myself or my sister ended up being.. I didn’t want come out, so they had to rough handle me and fractured her pelvis (mother’s) and broke my collarbone/clavicle. It was unknown it was broken for 6+ weeks, so I was in agony as a newborn often.

Whilst I bear no conscious memory of these means, I am sure the first few days of my existence pain harbors away deep into my unconscious and its reactions…

There won’t be anyway to know definitively without a Time Machine or astral travel to the past, but it’s possible I faced molestation as an infant or two-year old. My father had hired two later on convicted pedophiles, that were around me often in that timeframe. I had started masturbating from memory by at least three, and it’s possible it embarked younger. The only memory I have is sitting on Zack’s lap when I was 3, in a sketcher’s with my father nearby, and he didn’t touch me inappropriately, but this is my only memory with him, and then in a restaurant vaguely. Kyle, the other pedophile, had been my volleyball coach when I was 8, and he was around me as a toddler and infant as well. I didn’t have any repulsion’s to him when he was my coach, however.

I don’t believe Kyle or Zack’s
crimes had do with prepubescent children though, I believe 14 was the age of one of the victims for Kyle. Whilst this is pedophilia, it is hard to say if they would do the same thing to a baby or toddler.

I was also left alone once with my cousin Michael, who had sexual deviance and my mother’s friends’s other infant son, Christian. I sometimes have weird flashes of memory regarding him, but I can’t ever uncover it. There will never anytime soon be a direct, physical way to know if I’ve faced molestation. My uncle Rhea, a convicted lifelong felon https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/losangel...ctims-husband/, had been sexually suggestive to me once when I was 15, and he was around me as an infant and toddler… He had said I’ve a nice tight ass and wanted to take me to Victoria’s Secret to buy me yoga pants to show it off.

Whilst he was sexual with me in that way, and I was afraid of him for different reasons with his reckless driving and untrustworthy personality, I never felt any repulsion from him or sexual feelings arouse. My sister, however, later on strangely enough said she was afraid of him raping her. She would’ve been 12 when he was around her a lot, so if she was afraid of him because he made comments, he was sexual with a 12 year old which is not fully pubescent.

My cousin Chelsea, who had hit me, had been repeatedly molested as a baby with my aunt’s drug addict male friends. She has weird reactions to intercourse and has scarring in there. I’ve never had inter course so wouldn’t know, but when masturbating, sometimes I cry.

Personality shifts

I endured significant shifts in my personality— most notably at age 15, so much to a point that with my other symptoms (muscle spasms, icepick/suicide headaches, doctors suspected I’d a brain tumor and I was tested.

I had never been violent in my life, not to any physical assault I had, including the choking, but at this age, I became more defiant towards my parents, and only my parents.

I believe if this forced out of my to survive and with repeated nervous system flares, such as my sister charging at me, and then out of impulse when she was, I whipped my iPhone charger at her, and it left a bump on her head (which I got in extreme trouble for, and I didn’t even want to hurt her, merely defend myself).. Being so unaware with sensation and force, I’d no idea that I would land it that hard to a point of her injuring and it was a moment of reactive defense.. My father repeatedly sped and threatened to crash the car and kill is at this age, he started before, but it occurred in the highest frequency at this age, so much, I tried to run away from home.

All 3 of my immediate family are 4D De types, which gets into the territory of a different question.. and they all forced
aggression from myself…

Anyhow, I have very important things that I’d like to share in documentation, as I believe they are educational
in terms of my gnarly personality shift, that resulted from extreme trauma and abuse..

This will likely be the only component I continue today…

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...a04c32a94be6e&

Whilst I showed significant emotional disturbance by age 13, starting at age 11, the full shift occurred at 15.

This again, was the age I tried running away from home.. My search history on my phone would’ve showed ways to conceal my autism, and also wikihow searches on how to successfully run away from home… As well as how to commit suicide without any pain.

This was the age my threshold had been met, and I became an overflowing spout of water from the bucket I carried of all my traumatic baggage.

15 1/2 specifically… I had my first outpatient and inpatient psychiatric placement. For a lot of low line to 2 4 behaviors with attention seeking via self-harm… The inpatient unit had distressed me so much, I came out of it with vertigo for a week, with my perception being a continual spinning motion..

I was living in a hyper ptsd state, as they medicated me with the pill my mother had placed in my food, and I had a serious reaction to that pill the day she bumped it to 10 Mg, with a headache that made me believe I was dying.

My threshold was quite high, as by the time before I had this break, I had already faced routine (daily) emotional abuse in my household, sporadic occurrences of physical abuse throughout the months, daily mild to moderate bullying, isolated severe incidences of bullying (choking, plotting take my life).. At least one incidence of sexual abuse (I say one, because it’s possible I was molested as a baby or two-year old, and I have no way to know this for sure. And if you count what my father did as sexual abuse with the biting, then I had regular sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to classify it fully, it’s a breach of a sexual boundary, and is also physical). I’ve faced at least two sexual assaults, but the other one that happened 100% was after this age.

It took a decade of trauma overtime to collapse me full-on..

Prior to this shift, I had no aggression or paranoia towards my family. I still have no paranoia towards others outside of specific ptsd triggers and have never been physically aggressive towards anyone but my mother or father.

I am incapable of immense physical aggression. Even with my parents, it has been object throws, pinching and slapping.. It is out of element for myself, and it is an emotional extreme push. When I was molested by a man named Tony, my mother’s friend (which yes, is pair personality shift), I turnt my arm and jerked it and I just froze, I couldn’t slap him.

Whilst it was there by the time I had instagram (age 13, one month short of 14) with my expressiveness, as I begun to disintegrate into 2 at this age, I was not as histrionic until 15, and especially age 18. Maybe it’s the whole “personality disorder generally onsets by young adulthood”, as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 17, even though I don’t believe I’ve it full-on and have cptsd with bpd features..

As a child, I was more of a delta NF in behavioral
models… There was nothing vastly beta about myself or Se valuing in general.. I’d have been typed by others, as something as EII-Ne or IEE-Fi, likely the former, with no ability to outwardly organize well (1D Te).

I’d say at age 12-13 I started to get there, and by 15, my behavior fully shifted into Beta. I was the embodiment of dreamy fairy girl who keeps in her own bubble, creates alternate worlds in her own sphere, and fantasizes having one close friend.

I will complete other portions in this post later on; themes and I’ll add a parental background categorization…. I will also have to finish my shadow shift later on, as I have to go.. I will edit this post and add in more at a later time.

Quickly, though people are probably wondering how I had so much trauma, aaaaand.. To simplify, autism. Autism with dysfunctional family dynamic on extended both sides, which placed me into further positions to face more traumatization. I’ll build on this in a separate category. Combined with an atypically that others pathologize and treated as an illness.

[Braingel]

I still have a lot to write of my questionnaire. I don’t have enough time to get into everything, but I will do my best to finish it..As I said in my other post, I excluded a few types of trauma I’ve had pre-verbally and with my health (“vital” Si on the ladder). Starting with the health trauma: In 2022, I started to become very sick as the result of psychological breakdown, and from my mother having purposefully, yes, purposefully, given me COVID. You see, there was construction going on in our house.. I had begged my mother to place me with my grandfather or even in a hotel, as with my autism, I cannot bear the loudness of such things.. I was having a meltdown (sensory) when they were knocking things down in the house and was yelling and cussing.. My mother being “embarrassed” (mind you, even though one of the workers had an autistic son) had threatened to breathe in my face if I wouldn’t stop, and she knew she had Covid (yes, she had people in our house in spite, as she isn’t mindful like that).. I couldn’t stop, so she cornered myself to the library back bookcase (the whole wall is a book case) and breathed in my face and slapped me, for my inability to calm down and “embarrassing” her. I’ve gotten her confessing to this on video, but will not post it here.I developed sickness I believe from this activating the HLAB27 gene in me is tested for, positively… And extreme psychological stress that occurred from PTSD and oral ordeals.. I ensured significant medical gaslighting, as no one knew what was wrong with me, and I endured a plethora of misdiagnoses, until a very thorough ILI 5 core caught my rheumatoid arthritis, she was the only one who bothered to test for this, as you don’t tend develop such a thing until mid age… Even on the 16T discord, I was dealing with a lot of people just saying I’m being an “Si brake” eie and it further traumatized myself with further invalidation. This will have explanation later on, with why I reacted the way I did in that time on that server…The other medical trauma is that I broke my left front tooth at age 8, which to me, in my child perspective, even younger than 8 mentally due to autism, was like losing a finger. I hated the fake tooth and often grinder it against the surface of objects and I wanted get revenge on the woman connected to it.. I will later on get into this in the reaction categorization. Almost forgot to include this, but I nearly died at age 2, had go to an ER where they ruled out spinal meningitis with a spinal tap… I’d a 105 degree fever, which for a toddler, is even more lethal, as their body can lesser handle heat.At birth, my right clavicle had been broken by the suction.. My mother had induced me a week early, as she thought I’d be a hardy build as my father, when neither myself or my sister ended up being.. I didn’t want come out, so they had to rough handle me and fractured her pelvis (mother’s) and broke my collarbone/clavicle. It was unknown it was broken for 6+ weeks, so I was in agony as a newborn often.Whilst I bear no conscious memory of these means, I am sure the first few days of my existence pain harbors away deep into my unconscious and its reactions… There won’t be anyway to know definitively without a Time Machine or astral travel to the past, but it’s possible I faced molestation as an infant or two-year old. My father had hired two later on convicted pedophiles, that were around me often in that timeframe. I had started masturbating from memory by at least three, and it’s possible it embarked younger. The only memory I have is sitting on Zack’s lap when I was 3, in a sketcher’s with my father nearby, and he didn’t touch me inappropriately, but this is my only memory with him, and then in a restaurant vaguely. Kyle, the other pedophile, had been my volleyball coach when I was 8, and he was around me as a toddler and infant as well. I didn’t have any repulsion’s to him when he was my coach, however.I don’t believe Kyle or Zack’scrimes had do with prepubescent children though, I believe 14 was the age of one of the victims for Kyle. Whilst this is pedophilia, it is hard to say if they would do the same thing to a baby or toddler. I was also left alone once with my cousin Michael, who had sexual deviance and my mother’s friends’s other infant son, Christian. I sometimes have weird flashes of memory regarding him, but I can’t ever uncover it. There will never anytime soon be a direct, physical way to know if I’ve faced molestation. My uncle Rhea, a convicted lifelong felon https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/losangel...ctims-husband/, had been sexually suggestive to me once when I was 15, and he was around me as an infant and toddler… He had said I’ve a nice tight ass and wanted to take me to Victoria’s Secret to buy me yoga pants to show it off.Whilst he was sexual with me in that way, and I was afraid of him for different reasons with his reckless driving and untrustworthy personality, I never felt any repulsion from him or sexual feelings arouse. My sister, however, later on strangely enough said she was afraid of him raping her. She would’ve been 12 when he was around her a lot, so if she was afraid of him because he made comments, he was sexual with a 12 year old which is not fully pubescent. My cousin Chelsea, who had hit me, had been repeatedly molested as a baby with my aunt’s drug addict male friends. She has weird reactions to intercourse and has scarring in there. I’ve never had inter course so wouldn’t know, but when masturbating, sometimes I cry. Personality shifts I endured significant shifts in my personality— most notably at age 15, so much to a point that with my other symptoms (muscle spasms, icepick/suicide headaches, doctors suspected I’d a brain tumor and I was tested.I had never been violent in my life, not to any physical assault I had, including the choking, but at this age, I became more defiant towards my parents, and only my parents. I believe if this forced out of my to survive and with repeated nervous system flares, such as my sister charging at me, and then out of impulse when she was, I whipped my iPhone charger at her, and it left a bump on her head (which I got in extreme trouble for, and I didn’t even want to hurt her, merely defend myself).. Being so unaware with sensation and force, I’d no idea that I would land it that hard to a point of her injuring and it was a moment of reactive defense.. My father repeatedly sped and threatened to crash the car and kill is at this age, he started before, but it occurred in the highest frequency at this age, so much, I tried to run away from home.All 3 of my immediate family are 4D De types, which gets into the territory of a different question.. and they all forced aggression from myself… Anyhow, I have very important things that I’d like to share in documentation, as I believe they are educationalin terms of my gnarly personality shift, that resulted from extreme trauma and abuse..This will likely be the only component I continue today…https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...a04c32a94be6e&

Whilst I showed significant emotional disturbance by age 13, starting at age 11, the full shift occurred at 15.

This again, was the age I tried running away from home.. My search history on my phone would’ve showed ways to conceal my autism, and also wikihow searches on how to successfully run away from home… As well as how to commit suicide without any pain.This was the age my threshold had been met, and I became an overflowing spout of water from the bucket I carried of all my traumatic baggage.

15 1/2 specifically… I had my first outpatient and inpatient psychiatric placement. For a lot of low line to 2 4 behaviors with attention seeking via self-harm… The inpatient unit had distressed me so much, I came out of it with vertigo for a week, with my perception being a continual spinning motion..I was living in a hyper ptsd state, as they medicated me with the pill my mother had placed in my food, and I had a serious reaction to that pill the day she bumped it to 10 Mg, with a headache that made me believe I was dying.My threshold was quite high, as by the time before I had this break, I had already faced routine (daily) emotional abuse in my household, sporadic occurrences of physical abuse throughout the months, daily mild to moderate bullying, isolated severe incidences of bullying (choking, plotting take my life).. At least one incidence of sexual abuse (I say one, because it’s possible I was molested as a baby or two-year old, and I have no way to know this for sure. And if you count what my father did as sexual abuse with the biting, then I had regular sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to classify it fully, it’s a breach of a sexual boundary, and is also physical). I’ve faced at least two sexual assaults, but the other one that happened 100% was after this age.It took a decade of trauma overtime to collapse me full-on..Prior to this shift, I had no aggression or paranoia towards my family. I still have no paranoia towards others outside of specific ptsd triggers and have never been physically aggressive towards anyone but my mother or father.I am incapable of immense physical aggression. Even with my parents, it has been object throws, pinching and slapping.. It is out of element for myself, and it is an emotional extreme push. When I was molested by a man named Tony, my mother’s friend (which yes, is pair personality shift), I turnt my arm and jerked it and I just froze, I couldn’t slap him.Whilst it was there by the time I had instagram (age 13, one month short of 14) with my expressiveness, as I begun to disintegrate into 2 at this age, I was not as histrionic until 15, and especially age 18. Maybe it’s the whole “personality disorder generally onsets by young adulthood”, as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at age 17, even though I don’t believe I’ve it full-on and have cptsd with bpd features..As a child, I was more of a delta NF in behavioral models… There was nothing vastly beta about myself or Se valuing in general.. I’d have been typed by others, as something as EII-Ne or IEE-Fi, likely the former, with no ability to outwardly organize well (1D Te). I’d say at age 12-13 I started to get there, and by 15, my behavior fully shifted into Beta. I was the embodiment of dreamy fairy girl who keeps in her own bubble, creates alternate worlds in her own sphere, and fantasizes having one close friend.I will complete other portions in this post later on; themes and I’ll add a parental background categorization…. I will also have to finish my shadow shift later on, as I have to go.. I will edit this post and add in more at a later time.Quickly, though people are probably wondering how I had so much trauma, aaaaand.. To simplify, autism. Autism with dysfunctional family dynamic on extended both sides, which placed me into further positions to face more traumatization. I’ll build on this in a separate category. Combined with an atypically that others pathologize and treated as an illness.

I’d made a bunch of typos that I’ll later on address. I’ve to say, that I have so much trauma, I haven’t even captured all my trauma, and I wouldn’t be able to, because if I went into every single familial dysfunction dynamic between my mother, father, sister and myself, and also the dysfunction on both sides of my family, with Reha (the convicted felon, he is the only one who got charged, but there are other felons in my family, including my parents for specific abuses that had occurred, and tons of misdemeanors, and most notably my meth addicted aunt and rapist uncles on my mother’s side, and my father’s deceased dad that I never got meet, as he passed of liver failure before I was born from alcohol abuse)..

I wish I could simplify, but there is just so much trauma, that I can’t even write it all out in just one or two posts….

I forgot say, if I did write out every family dynamic, there would be like 50 posts, and no one is going to read that, and I wouldn’t even bother with that, unless I was writing a biography that would be published.

Believe me when I say this is the “short” version, and I haven’t even gotten into much detail or specifics for certain forms, only the core ones I gave more to just break it down easier.

In total, my family including both sides, has a total of at least 8 felons, and only one has been convicted. My aunt did face jail time, but she didn’t get charged for her substance abuse or for the neglect that resulted in my cousin to die and have resuscitate. I say at least, because it’s likely that there are more than two rapists in my family generational chain, but there are only two I know about (grandpa’s brother and some other distant one). And there are more child abusers in my family chain without a doubt, than just my mother and father, aunt, great grandma, uncle, and my father’s father. My grandfather and grandma were abusive, but not to a level of being a felon. And it’s likely there is more illicit drug use than just my aunt and her children.

My family is essentially a classical case of generational abuse, and two abused children marrying one another as adults. My mother and father married after 6 weeks of knowing and had a 17 year age gap with her being 25 and he being 42.

List of felonies on my family, though, when my great grandma was alive, it may not have been considered a “felony” officially, and with my father’s father, he was in Istanbul, which has a different set of laws (my father after all, said stoning a person to death was legal in the time he grew up there in the 1950’s, yes, he is a baby boomer born in 1956, and had me and my sister super late).. So it’s equivalence in those cases.Note: how I heard about the case of my grandma’s childhood is from my mother, so it’s from her own reporting to myself, but likely to be accurate.

Father: physical abuse of a child that caused injury, I really don’t know the intent my father had in doing this or if he would’ve been charged, but potentially sexual abuse of a child, because he never bit my breast or genitalia, but the love biting thing outlined in the first post..

Mother: Blackmail out of reporting molest, forcing a lie to child protective services, lying to police officers to hide the molestReha: his own is already documented by news and law, so it’s not really necessary to write it out:https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/losangel...ctims-husband/

Grandpa’s brother: child rapist of my former meth addicted aunt (who went on to do felon-tier things as a means to try and cope with the rape and moderate emotional abuse she faced from my grandparents)

Aunt: neglect of a child that resulted in her death (she was resuscitated), meth use and giving to her minor children. She went to jail for this specific thing, but wasn’t convicted. She lost custody of my cousin and got court ordered rehab…

Father’s father: domestic violence, severe physical damage to a child (damaged my father’s vision). He abused Reha as well, he made both of them develop sociopathic tendencies, but I don’t know to which extent Rehabwas abused or if he was injured. My father claimed reha was more favored as a son… I know they both witnessed their mother (my paternal grandma) get beaten and bloody in front of them a few times

Great grandmother (maternal): Severe abuse and neglect to children.. I don’t know if she committed other crimes in additionDistant relative related to grandfather: child rapist of my cousin

Why have I had so much trauma?

I write this out, because a few people have been skeptical about my childhood and thought it was exaggeratory… The answer lies in that it’s a case where *both* my parents come from extreme dysfunctional and abusive backgrounds, married in a dysfunctional dynamic, and then, I just had to be autistic in addition, which predisposes a lot of maltreatment from peers and even adults if the individual isn’t planted in the right soil and treated tenderly.It is a chain effect; my parents decide to marry out of their own dysfunctional dynamics, they have myself and my sister.. I am autistic and find myself in the scapegoat dynamic, and both my parents were raised in a dysfunctional schema where there were scapegoats (my father claims he was the one in his, my aunt Lori, the one who was method addicted, was my mother’s side)..

This alone subjects me to torment from my extended family members who always get the trash talking of myself and the exclusion of their own misdeeds to myself, and puts me in a position of extreme invalidation which I already deal with severely, as an autistic person who has a different perspective from the collective because of theory of mind differences.. And then my family doesn’t take my needs seriously and they abuse me, and not taking my needs seriously and gratifying their own ego, place me in educational systems I am destined be bullied in, and put me in sports, stripping oriented front natural gifts in storytelling and reading..

I face a lot of bullying for my athletic incompetence and eventually, not being able wear a bra.. And get bullied tremendously in the public setting, with delays in developments, peculiar behavior and not getting social norms or keeping up with peers..

Parents’ toxic friend choice gets me sexually abused, their upbringing attracts them to unhealthful people.. Abd they’re both poor arbiters of character judgment.

From all the maltreatment, I have psychiatric breakdowns and get put in psych wards where I’m traumatized and I get abused in one of my three childhood residential.. Then I develop health conditions from all the shit and flared nervous system and face stigma for a diagnosis I received that’s related to child abuse and trauma. I become an object of peoples’ pleasure to harass, throw around and beat up. Mother medicated food at age 14 prior to breakdown.

Once I am seen as object, it goes downhill and I become the possession of those who hold me and take further damage and abuse.

[Charus]

My own response to my questionnaire—

Note: I have to go, so I will make a continuation post later on…



Types of trauma:


1) Primary emotional abuse and emotional neglect (parental)
2) Isolated incidences of physical abuse (parental, cousin, bullying physical assaults by peers)
3) Isolated sexual assault (mother’s friend, stranger)
4) Chronic inappropriate sexual boundary violated by father up to age 15 (“love biting”, but never my breasts or genital. But my nubile body, including buttocks and thighs)
5) School bullying primary
6) Medicated food by mother for a few months with Lexapro
7) Taken out of house in midst of night by youth transporters (age recently turnt 16)
8) chronic online harassment
9) chronic mental health stigma towards borderline personality disorder
10) Secondary emotional abuse from youth caregiver (facility called Cathedral Home for Children with staff)
11) Chronically ill sister
12) Primary and secondary (extended) family dysfunction: abuse, alcoholism, criminality at felon level, power imbalance dynamic, breech of boundaries, meth use (extended)
13) psychiatric inpatients

My self-types:

Western socionics: IEI
Classical Socionics: EII
MBTI: INFP
John Beebe: INFP
Oscar Ichazo 4, 479
Claudio Naranjo: Social 4
RH: social 4w5
modern tritype: 461
Big 5: RLUE/AI

Duration of trauma:

School bullying: kindergarten to eleventh grade, isolated incidences in 12th and I dropped out

Emotional abuse: around 16-17 years (so I tend say 15+ years, because I can’t remember the exact date)

Physical abuse: happened in isolated episodes throughout childhood, hard to pin a duration
Father’s inappropriate biting boundary: infancy to fifteen. I learnt from my mother, who normalized the behavior, that he did it to me as a baby, which wasn’t as weird admittedly, it’s weird it happened in my pubescent time

Online harassment: around 6 1/2 years

Regular stigma: around 3-4 years


More specific in types of abuse:
Emotional: Family— name calling (“worthless piece of shit”, “stupid girl”, “dumbass”, “mother fucker”, “bitch”, “cunt”), gaslighting (accusing me of having “hallucinated” my molest and physical abuse seconds after I was hit. I’ve never hallucinated in my life), terrorizing threats (speeding and threatening crash car, faking me out with remotes and standing out door and threatening harm me and standing in my face with an object, threatening break it on my head), favoritism with mother saying sister is favorite child and double standards (mother punishing me for my reactions to my sister’s bullying, including sexual harassment and threatening me with psych ward and police).. Blackmail, including out of reporting and guilt tripping with child protective services with my sister’s physical illnesses and how she needs medical care, when I was 17
Facility staff: name calling (“snot”, spoilt princess”), therapist broke my confidentiality to other girls like me walking naked in front of parents (my parents told the therapist that, and well.. I learnt do that because of father’s love biting and my mother also being naked sometimes), therapist threatening to put me in a psych ward if I cried and she knew how much psych wards scared myself.. Never feeling like I can tell her anything, taking me back from a public outing for crying in public and my make up away and yelling at me in car for crying.

Physical: Father— Hair pull, pull and shake me by hair (once), spankings with hands and wooden spoons, pinning me down, biting is physical/sexual, slapping.. Mother: hit with back brace of my sister’s, spankings, pinching and grabbing.. Wyatt (peer): isolated incidence of choking, Raquel’s (peer), whipping me with a belt and placing a beetle in my ear (in facility), Brittany (peer): chronically pinched my arms in girl’s locker room at Nadadore’s swim team.. For maybe 2 years, Kiani (peer) isolated incidence of slapping me, cousin Chelsea: isolated incidence of hitting me whilst she was drunk when I was 14 and she, 21

Other notable bullying: George plotted take my life at age 13 and got expelled from the catholic school and a juice record and restraining order, locked in a bathroom for the duration of summer camp break when I was 11, social media post when I was 12 that spread to other schools and those girls got in huge trouble.. Had my backpack taken numerous times whilst I was in a lunchline and not attending my backpack, and it was found in the drinking fountain drenched and soaked.. Age 7: girls tried blame me for a girl’s bloody nose that I didn’t do..

Jesus christ, what a bunch of literal scumbags, hope they rot in hell