This is me as a four yo miserable in my parents forcing me into trying be a ballet and tap
dancer— overwhelmed and overstimulated and not able to focus on it.. A sensor would’ve been more inclined to enjoy the activity, as they’d enjoy bodily movement:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...d7b99c328cdab& (I was a very blonde child, but the way this lighting hits my hair and the poor quality makes my hair look sandy ish blonde, which is my hair color now)..
I always had autism meltdowns from all the sports they put me into, and I got pascal and emotionally abused (pulled hair, spankings, yelling, name calling) by my parents for them and for “embarrassing them”. And they’d sometimes film my episodes..
Qaz’s claim here:
doesn’t speak accurately in any way, shape or form to how I was raised. I was only ever exposed to sensory influences in my early childhood up until like 15. And in spite of this literal trying break and beat me into being able to use sensory functions, I never developed the means, because my Se is weak.Also, about Se, you need to know I have a very personal and innovative way of looking at typology, and one of my innovations took a big part in my idea about you being SEE. The following description will be far from perfect because I'm a hurrying perfectionist right now (I'm very slow at developing theories and describing them, and in quick responses I'm completely out of my element). I think sensing, especially Se, was much easier to identify in the past, as engaging with the outside world was the norm, and clumsy intuitives stood out and tried unusual activities like books that distanced them from real worlds compared to their peers. The problem is, with the rising popularity of forms of escapism from the physical realm (books, TVs, computers, the internet, smartphones), currently the situation is reversed. It's not like in the past, that some brave intuitives decided to have an unusual unphysical lifestyle, that unphysical lifestyle became the norm and now it's the sensors who often escape the more addictive virtual world to return to reality that have become unpopular. I mean, in the past many intuitives lived in a stereotypically sensoric environments, because that was the norm. Now, it's the opposite. Many sensors, from a young age, are surrounded by the virtual world, not by their choice. What are the effects? In the past many intuitives were forced to live like sensors, and that caused them to become competent in some sensoric actions. Now, now sensors are forced to live like intuitives, and the environment causes them to develop intuitive skills and their sensoric skills remain undeveloped. You give your sensoric child a ton of books at an young age, then a computer, the child engages with these more than with the outside world and what is the result? Clumsiness, uncoordinated movements, weak pheripheral vision, problems with multitasking etc., because how can you develop this by looking at a static object near your face for hours? Due to this, Se is the function that I think can be the most hidden because of how the world changed, and also because the popular Se descriptions may be simply outdated. That's why I'm trying to identify Se in unusual areas.
This is what I mean by in spite of me showing this numerous times, he’s still ran in the narrative I had an intuitive childhood when it’s literally the complete reverse.
My father and mother even admitted (without knowing typology) I never developed Se, in spite they tried beat that in me for like 15 years (starting at age 3).
https://youtu.be/UmpzCL2l_ow?si=wo8hTgJCkvL-inLe And that I pissed off Se egos for not ever developing the Se… Made one even cry…
My mother and father say it was “good for me”, because THEY are the ones with 4D Se, and that’s how they’d perceive something to be “good” for a child, because it’s their own elemental outlook..
It’s just so fucking ironic, because it’s the fucking reverse of what Qaz claimed— an intuitive forced to live in sensoric elements…
5K (5 mile) marathons. Tap dancing. Ballet. Volleyball (primary push). Runner’s club. Swim. Intensive 3 day a week plyometrics. Tennis. Equine riding and summer camps with it. Cooking. Needlework (which I enjoyed a bit of, but could never do it accurately and did my own thing). Martial arts. Yoga (which I enjoyed a bit of and how the after school lady would rub my back in child’s pose).. Gymnastics. Park night twice a week, boogie boarding.. Skiing once on a trip (which I really did enjoy, because I enjoyed the snow, never getting to see it before— even though I fell so many times). Visual arts. (Which yes, that’s more sensory than intuitive, because there are directions from the teacher and you’ve to copy and landscape). Scooter riding like 6-8 times a month, riding at Balboa island near my father’s former yacht membership place..
My father even shut down my intuitive contemplations, insights, and questions and my fantasies, other than one peacock Jane story I made up, and once psychologists had said I’m genius-level in writing relative to IQ, he very sparsely took my creative gifts more serious, but didn’t do much to help cultivate them, other than put me in very short writer’s camps at 17, 18 and 19 (19 I only got go two days, because there was a fire).
My mother and father ignored my synesthesia and psychical abilities present as a toddler.. As did they my precocity in reading other than of course my mom buying lots of babies and children’s books.. I stopped reading at 5 years old and only read maybe 5 novels out of my own volition (Rania neverland fairies chapter book, a fairy pet chapter book about a gold fish and a girl named Molly, a James Patterson novel called Beach House I read on a sick day I faked to be away from my peers in cathedral home for children, and a diary of a wimpy kid one I also read in there, which I learnt the word frolicking and confiscate from, Mockingbird based on a girl with Asperger’s my mother bought me a bit after I was diagnosed with it) until a few years ago. I read Maybird and One Last Wish (Lurlene McDaniel), but they were for book report credit, which I often cheated.. As well as a Katherine American Girl one I also read for book credit..
My mother should’ve put me in a book or poet club or something, instead of with my father along, roping me into all those sports that did nothing but damage me psychologically and predispose more bullying and even physically damage my breasts from being unable to wear a bra for awhile amid them.
Then my father also forced me to massage his feet for an hour often, and walk on his back..
The only things my parents put me in 99% of my youth has been:
Sports (85%)
Christian youth group and camps (5%)
Kids Clubs on vacations (5%)
Other physical activity (4%)
Other (1%)
In my childhood (not counting infancy and toddler years), I maybe read 17-18 fully within my own volition, 5 of them being 100% free time, 4 of them being book reports, and majority of them school assigned books that I was enriched by and didn’t actually cheat with skim reading or spark notes.
Can list them:
Free time choice—
Beach House
Mockingbird
One of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, pretty sure it was based on summer like dog days or whatever
Rania Lagoon neverland fairy
This fairy pet chapter book (I actually think this may have been a book report, I can’t remember, or if I tried read another one as a report, but didn’t complete that one)..
Book reports:
Maybird
Shiela the Great
One Last Wish
School assigned
Esperanza Rising
Island of the Blue Dolphin
Midwife’s Apprentice
The Cay
Adventures of Edward Tulane
This box car children book
Charlotte’s Web
Sarah Noble plain and tall or whatever
I can’t remember if I read this Annie in the Treehouse book as a report or out of full choice
I don’t think American Born Chinese should count, since it’s a graphical novel, but if you want count it, that was school-assigned and I loved it, because it was easy on my attention span.
I learnt to not like books in spite of being an extremely early reader, because I have adhd comorbid to my autism, making harder to keep my span of attention when disinterested and not hyper-focusing bc of autism.. And all the shit forced on me in school, I mostly didn’t care for.. I tried to read a bit more, but nothing captivated me enough to reach the end of.. For instance, I tried to read Looking for Alaska and Fault in Our stars (when I was 15).. I maybe got 40-50% in both of those..
Only in past few years have I regained some affinity again to read books.. And not as much fiction as I’d like.. I’ve mostly read John Steinbeck as far as goes fiction, now.
Had my parents put me into something like a fantasy book club of my own choice, I probably would’ve loved reading… But no, they forced their own sensory agenda on me I never could in, excel. The book club most likely wouldn’t have even resulted in bullying..
My parents not only have abused me, they raised me completely wrong and overlooked my gifts and natural talents— where I could’ve developed even more meaningfully and have made maybe a friend in.. And neutered my natural talent developments. Not only this, they set me up, probably not consciously, to be bullied severely in higher frequency of where I was placed and how it highlighted my asd deficits.. And to receive the harassment I’ve gotten and some misdiagnosis I’ve been dealt. (That snowballed and resulted more harassment, which I haven’t yet gotten to in my main post, though I’ve built last sentence to start it)..
As sports drew attention to me being unable to wear a bra, with how my boobs bounced and jiggled— getting me even more bullied (not to mention leaving my tits saggy and damaged). And my awkward body language and incompetent motor ability also was highlighted amid all the athletics…
Even if my parents hadn’t been abusive to myself, if they were loving parents and forced me into all that, they still would’ve tortured myself and made my life a living hell, but unfortunately they’re very abusive additionally, especially psychologically, which has only burnt my brain and development furthermore. Arguably, though, it isn’t loving to *force* a child into all of that, and it’s more loving to recognize their actual talents and not server your own agenda and outlook, as a parent.
They also agreed to send me into a facility they didn’t bother to research that had a huge history of staff abusing residents (even sexually), and I got emotionally abused by day staff workers and the therapist, and severely bullied by the girls who were there in place of juvie or who were street/gang kids.
https://www.wyomingpublicmedia.org/n...me-sex-lawsuit
Patti Thobro had been sued for her negligence and she was clinical director when I was put in that shit hole years later.
The staff had neglected the girls and so they often muzzled in banned objects and they were allowed have belts and CD’s, and I got whipped with a belt by a girl named Rauquelle, and she put a beetle into my ear, and I was freaked out that it had gone into my brain… I had Hope want carve her initials into me (with a CD she broke and cut herself in front of me with, and she wanted carve me after she did her own blood) not going to say one girl’s name, bc it’s rare and it’s her confidentiality, but she wanted to throw me off staircase and made physical advancement towards me
Paperwork from Cathedral home for children was both accurate and inaccurate in describing me.. And the accurate things they did entail also contradict me being an Se ego or an extrovert period (and shows my 4 core very highly)..
https://media.discordapp.net/attachm...057d576ba4725&
Now as far as Qaz’s bs claim that the autism diagnosis and paperwork may be inaccurate, you’ve to understand I was an 8 year old child when I was diagnosed, and I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on and was incapable of answering falsely or manipulating workers. They literally diagnosed based on a three month intensive period of observing me in class whilst lessons were going on, recess breaks, and they did like 6-7 tests of myself… Parental report was not even the biggest factor in my diagnosis, and it was actually my third grade teacher who referred me to special ed and received parental consent from mine, to sign me off to evaluation, in which an arduous three month period ensued of special needs assessment workers and psychological professionals observing me in class and recess and then pulling me out for testing and talking to my parents about my behaviors at home.This is congruent with her significant score in the subscale of inferiority. Kara scored highest in stagnation which is very consistent with observed behaviors. She struggles to give energy toward creating better conditions which results in self-absorption and self-indulgence. She also struggles to be sociable and relate to those around her.
Their finding in the end of:
-having a psychologist or occupational therapist watch me numerous times a week (as my school at time was small, and they could extend that kind of assessment) in recess and for an hour or so in classroom
-an administration of 6-7 various tests (my first IQ test, occupational and motor test, Jillian Asperger scale and some others like educational ones)
-consulting my parents for how I developed and if I have any odd behaviors at home
-my teacher’s report
Was this:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...dcbc9c854d51b&According to standardized assessment results, Kara demonstrates average receptive and expressive language skills. She has difficulty with pragmatic language in the areas of making inferences, determining causes of social situations, reading nonverbal queues, and conversation skills.
According to California Code of Regulations, Title 5, Education Section 3030 (g), Kara meets the criteria for special education as a student with autism, specifically Asperger’s like characteristics. She demonstrates a developmental disability significantly affecting verbal, non-verbal communication, and social interaction , which adversely affects educational performance. She demonstrates a need for special education and related services that cannot be offered through other general or categorical services offered within the regular instructional program.
It wasn’t as if the diagnosis was made after an hour assessment as most diagnoses happen… The assessments weren’t also based on self-report, they were based on actual questions and testing for social ability, like holding up flash cards to read facial expressions on peoples’ faces and describing how they look and feel. And once again, I was 8 and incapable of manipulating answers therein, and didn’t even know what was going on, fully. And the assessments weren’t the only thing used to determine, it was a total of 5 professionals observing me at recess and in classroom and my peer interventions (which is how they even noted in the diagnostic that I was bullied, as I showed the paperwork, with me wording things too formally and getting bullied for it).. Paired with teacher report and parental report…
This all directly contradicts the idea of me being socially competent, but this isn’t why I say I am, I literally haven’t been able to have a single friend and I always land into social trouble— daily.
If you are confused on what pragmatic social language is, it is general social ability. Making inferences would mean that I can’t as easily figure out what people are thinking (which happens because of theory of mind deficits in autism). I have even had issues in my romantic relations because of my social deficits.
The trouble with inferences specifically is related to social means, with theory of mind things, not to be confused with a lack of Ni. This is what I mean, when I say autism results in a bit of being concrete in social interactions, even when the person isn’t a sensor, but you’d never undertake that, because you know nothing about autism or how type would even manifest in an autistic..
If you are wondering what my parents reported in that time period of ongoing assessment, it was this:https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...73079dc110f5a&
I forgot until after I read this again, that the school nurse also had reports in the assessment as well, in determining if I’ve Asperger’s.. Also I didn’t have a normal birth, but what that basically pertains to if whether I was a C-section or if I had go to NICU (intensive care). It’s inaccurate there wasn’t any complication, my right clavicle was broken at birth, but it wasn’t known for 6 weeks.. I guess that the questions they must’ve asked weren’t geared at those types of things..Kara’s mother completed the Health and Developmental History and it indicated that Kara was the result of a normal birth with no complication and that she reached her developmental milestones within normal limits. She reported chronic ear infections and that she does not like her hair to be brushed because her head is sensitive.
Records review Kara’s mother reported Kara pulled out handfuls of her hair because she couldn’t stand it touching her face and that they cut it very short. She still won’t let her mom touch her hair. She further reported that she wouldn’t wear anything with buttons, snaps, or zippers, and will only wear “pull up” clothes. Kara will not underwear and has a history of bedwetting and occasionally sets at school. She does not like to be touched or hugged and stiffens and pulls away.
Here was the diagnostic criteria of the DSM 4 when Asperger’s was a diagnosis, and before my diagnosis changed (and I was re-assessed to be clear) to autism spectrum disorder (level type 2).
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
- marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction.
- failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level.
- a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people).
- lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
- encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus.
- apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals.
- stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements).
- persistent preoccupation with parts of objects.
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.I was evaluated numerous times too. My first diagnosis was at 8 years old.. Arguably the most rigorous investigation in of whether or not I’m autistic, taking reports from my teacher, my mother and father, school psychologist and occupational therapist observations from watching me overtime and taking notes on me amid recess and classroom activity.. Following me around.. Sometimes when I could see them and other times not.. This was all paired with 6 or 7 exams they forced my taking, including this flash card one where I had to try report how one feels based on their facial expression, and this button up exercise and putty push exercise to assess my motor development…Originally Posted by Braingel
Paperwork from Cathedral home for children was both accurate and inaccurate in describing me.. And the accurate things they did entail also contradict me being an Se ego or an extrovert period (and shows my 4 core very highly)..
https://media.discordapp.net/attachm...057d576ba4725&
Now as far as Qaz’s bs claim that the autism diagnosis and paperwork may be inaccurate, you’ve to understand I was an 8 year old child when I was diagnosed, and I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on and was incapable of answering falsely or manipulating workers. They literally diagnosed based on a three month intensive period of observing me in class whilst lessons were going on, recess breaks, and they did like 6-7 tests of myself… Parental report was not even the biggest factor in my diagnosis, and it was actually my third grade teacher who referred me to special ed and received parental consent from mine, to sign me off to evaluation, in which an arduous three month period ensued of special needs assessment workers and psychological professionals observing me in class and recess and then pulling me out for testing and talking to my parents about my behaviors at home.
Their finding in the end of:
-having a psychologist or occupational therapist watch me numerous times a week (as my school at time was small, and they could extend that kind of assessment) in recess and for an hour or so in classroom
-an administration of 6-7 various tests (my first IQ test, occupational and motor test, Jillian Asperger scale and some others like educational ones)
-consulting my parents for how I developed and if I have any odd behaviors at home
-my teacher’s report
Was this:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...dcbc9c854d51b&
It wasn’t as if the diagnosis was made after an hour assessment as most diagnoses happen… The assessments weren’t also based on self-report, they were based on actual questions and testing for social ability, like holding up flash cards to read facial expressions on peoples’ faces and describing how they look and feel. And once again, I was 8 and incapable of manipulating answers therein, and didn’t even know what was going on, fully. And the assessments weren’t the only thing used to determine, it was a total of 5 professionals observing me at recess and in classroom and my peer interventions (which is how they even noted in the diagnostic that I was bullied, as I showed the paperwork, with me wording things too formally and getting bullied for it).. Paired with teacher report and parental report…
This all directly contradicts the idea of me being socially competent, but this isn’t why I say I am, I literally haven’t been able to have a single friend and I always land into social trouble— daily.
If you are confused on what pragmatic social language is, it is general social ability. Making inferences would mean that I can’t as easily figure out what people are thinking (which happens because of theory of mind deficits in autism). I have even had issues in my romantic relations because of my social deficits.
The trouble with inferences specifically is related to social means, with theory of mind things, not to be confused with a lack of Ni. This is what I mean, when I say autism results in a bit of being concrete in social interactions, even when the person isn’t a sensor, but you’d never undertake that, because you know nothing about autism or how type would even manifest in an autistic..
If you are wondering what my parents reported in that time period of ongoing assessment, it was this:https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...73079dc110f5a&
I forgot until after I read this again, that the school nurse also had reports in the assessment as well, in determining if I’ve Asperger’s.. Also I didn’t have a normal birth, but what that basically pertains to if whether I was a C-section or if I had go to NICU (intensive care). It’s inaccurate there wasn’t any complication, my right clavicle was broken at birth, but it wasn’t known for 6 weeks.. I guess that the questions they must’ve asked weren’t geared at those types of things..
Here was the diagnostic criteria of the DSM 4 when Asperger’s was a diagnosis, and before my diagnosis changed (and I was re-assessed to be clear) to autism spectrum disorder (level type 2).
I was re-evaluated when Asperger’s became no longer a diagnosis and autism spectrum resulted, then by UCI Irvine, then by a neurologist, then when I got admitted into the regional center, they performed nearly as rigorous of an assessment as my elementary school, but rather than testing me, it was about consulting past teachers— even ones I had before I was diagnosed with Asperger’s, mostly my mother, numerous mental health professionals and facilities I’d been placed in and then a 15-20 minute interview with myself. My mother was required to provide photo evidence of if I had any abnormalities in my development or facial gestures, which there were tons.. The regional center psychologists (meaning they hold a PhD) specifically specialized their academic studies in developmental disabilities (autism, Down syndrome, William syndrome, cerebral palsy, ADHD, fetal alcohol syndrome, and medically-induced or trauma-induced developmental issues.
Absolutely zero of my autism evaluations were based on my self-report… This isn’t how a childhood diagnosis of autism results. As a matter of fact, the regional center even has what’s called a provisional diagnosis, where specially trained professionals have to watch a child in their home (this isn’t what was done for me, as my assessment took place via the school). And their as in the child’s..
It is an extremely arduous process to be diagnosed as a child with autism, and I believe this probably is the case, because diagnosis of this sort often accompanies significant resources that can last lifelong, and they are slow to determine such extreme of a diagnosis..
Parental report isn’t even what a diagnosis primarily bases on for a child, either. It’s like 80% a *team* of psychological workers specifically educated in child development and its pathology and anomaly. Who watch the child overtime for months.. In my case, 3… And they observe social interactions, motor abilities, sensory anamolies, educational performance, executive skills like joint attention and all of these things….
It is nearly impossible to face an inaccurate diagnosis with this, and the only case that could be is a severely, severely neglected child that’s isolated from peers 100% and doesn’t ever get exposed to language.
So when Qaz said I’m “inconsistent” to place high trust in this diagnosis, it isn’t even a fair basis.. Because this type of diagnosis takes months with intensive observation, and most psychiatric diagnoses and medical diagnoses can be diagnosed in like… 10-30 minutes….
In case people don’t read this, am just going to post this part one more time:
So when Qaz said I’m “inconsistent” to place high trust in this diagnosis, it isn’t even a fair basis.. Because this type of diagnosis takes months with intensive observation (occurring 1-3 hours a few days of a week), and most psychiatric diagnoses and medical diagnoses can be diagnosed in like… 10-30 minutes….
(He just doesn’t have the Ni to understand that, and/or may not even understand how a childhood autism diagnosis works)..
A childhood diagnosis of autism is 99.5% accurate and in the severity it is determined be.. Only way for it to be inaccurate really, is if a child is severely isolated from the cause of neglect and becomes nonverbal as the result of this, if a child has a neuropsychiatric condition from a physical issue that causes the delays, or if child abuse causes the child to go mute, perhaps.
Now with this video I’ve showed of my parents admitting how they forced me into all these sports for 13 years… https://youtu.be/UmpzCL2l_ow?si=wo8hTgJCkvL-inLePlus Addressing Qaz’s Misinformation and also what he has done wrong, and giving my own voice on things he has claimed about me to others and why they’re wrong (Can’t edit heading)..
First of all, I will admit, this is primarily directed at @qaz00, for his relentless harassment of me for 2 weeks or more, now… But this isn’t exclusive to himself, as there are others in the community who have done this, and it’s an issue in general. This was an issue with Sol, and it’s also been an issue with some Model G people.
To type a person without knowing the context of why they self-type the way they do, is for one thing, not a very good thing.. One should at least inquire of why they see their own self the way as they do… Second of all, whilst people don’t always accurately get their typing of self correctly, to completely dismiss someone’s life experiences, and go with your own narrative of said person is completely uncalled for. Especially when said narrative branches out of typology boundary and points at sensitive personal issues (psychiatric issues, traumatic background, etc).
I have Qaz here accusing of of exaggerating events in my life, being delusional, and of me being inaccurate of myself in that I am not a socially-competent person. Literally everything he has said about me is completely inaccurate.. Even his assumption that I had an intuitive childhood that made me “develop intuitive skills” is an inaccuracy, because I literally have been raised by all 4D Se family members, and was put into sensory means from as young as I can remember— 5K marathons, 7 other sports (in the summer I was forced Monday to Friday to 5-7 hours of volleyball every summer, and when I had confronted my parents on this, they even thought it was “good for me”:https://youtu.be/UmpzCL2l_ow?si=wo8hTgJCkvL-inLe), I was put in cooking classes and needlework ones, and my grandmother had also roped me into this. In the YouTube video, my father admits I made a polymeric trainer cry, by how untrainable I was (basically he was in a typology sense, unknowingly saying I wasn’t trainable in competent Se)..
I didn’t have internet access regularly until I was one month short of 14, as I was sheltered from these things because of my autism. I didn’t receive my first iPhone until one month short of being 14, in spite of Apple products having been created when I was on elementary school.. (Qaz had claimed that I developed looking intuitive because of early internet exposure, when I didn’t even receive any of this to when development is at its zenith).
And whilst I do choose to be active on this forum, to dismiss everything I have said about myself, even when I’ve provided proof, as I’ve learnt to do this from how hideously gaslit and invalidated I’ve been in my life, by yes, hundreds of people, which Qaz accuses me of exaggerating… This is immensely triggering for myself..
There is zero regard for someone’s emotions and their background, when typing and the typing is often done out of bias, projection, hate, and/or ego. For Qaz, it appears be projection, bias and his own ego.. Since he doesn’t appear want be wrong, to a point he holds unto his narrative of me and denies anything that challenges his false SEE typing of myself.
Qaz continues to advertise his inaccurate view of me, as if it is hard truth, without my consent and disregarding the boundary I’ve put up, and he’s outright invalidated and gaslit myself:
This was said by Qaz in response to myself not accepting his SEe typing, which I was reactive to, as it doesn’t align well with my self-image, but it also invalidates directly, my own qualities that I want valued of myself and that I do indeed possess.
Now, when the whole Sol drama had resulted, he had spat this at myself— before any of this recent drama embarked—-
He had claimed that I had exaggerated the information on Sol, when he hasn’t even been around for months and had no context, and has assumed I exaggerate things and facts for quite a long time, which whilst I can be dramatic, I didn’t exaggerate things about Sol, nor have I about myself being bullied or socially incompetent, which Qaz has claimed:
There is a lot I have to correct, clarify and explain.. Maybe “have to” is a stretch, but this is how I feel as of now, at least, with my complex ptsd, I suppose an unconscious instinct I maladaptively developed from how much chronic invalidation, gaslighting and dismissal I have faced in my life, that has made me develop a belief of this way in times as this..
First of all, I would like to show one of my bullies Wyatt, in admitting I have faced bullying from himself and from masses:https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...157ef6e4b81d6&
Wyatt had bullied me from when I was aged 10 to 13. He was a year older than myself, and he hadn’t apologized until he matured in a few years… He is one of only three bullies who has ever apologized to me. He choked me at age 11.
As you can see in the screen shot, he’d written this in 2018.. So you can know I wasn’t just going around trying gain “evidence” for this situation… I only share this since Qaz had assumed me in bad faith and characterized me as being dishonest in my experiences and of exaggerating them.
Wyatt had apologized for how “everyone treated me”.. He was only basing off of my time at El Morro elementary and Thurston Middle school.. I was placed in a total of twelve schools starting from age 5, and I was bullied in 11 of them. He was only apologizing for two schools.. Then he apologized for breaking his friendship with myself.. Do you know why he did this? Almost everyone else in the school was bullying me and he joined in out of peer pressure.. This was only pertaining to two schools, and he already had said that I was bullied by “everyone”. In those two schools, easily 60 people had bullied myself. That is already 2/11 schools where I faced bullying, and it’s already approximately 60 people (I of course can’t give an exact number).. And I was also bullied in residential treatment centers, 4/8 sports I was put into, two of my times in summer camps, and online.
My special Ed paperwork documenting early childhood bullying in elementary school https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachmen...da6093cce3023&
Why on Earth have I faced as much bullying as I have in my life? There are numerous reasons and some are already addressed; I used to speak openly in metaphors and symbolical language that my peers count understand, and imaginary friends.. Also more advanced vocab for my age.. I have very awkward body language and people before the bra ordeal, would always walk up to me and ask if I have autism… I got bullied for being special Ed, and in elementary school, people would shout at me, “special ed, special special special Ed, special Ed!!!” I got bullied for having knots in my hair all the time, and in kindergarten, my mother had cut my hair boy’s length, as I pulled it out due to sensory issues and was getting bald patches.. I got made fun of looking like a boy and having a strawberry shortcake backpack..
Then of course comes the athletic and me not being able to wear a bra for a long time… I couldn’t wear a sports bra until almost 14 years old.. I went through endless volleyball, PE and running club with nothing supporting my breasts but a shirt beneath it, which wasn’t enough for the bouncing effect that came.
I often said socially inappropriate things, like, “Is your daughter the one with big buck teeth?” “I think I’ve head life!” “Why are you so fat?”
I picked my ears and my nose. I always dropped my binder and was always unorganized in class… And was always tripping and falling down the stairs due to awkward motor ability.. I span in circles on chairs… Wet mt pants until 13 and did a few times whilst at school… My fake tooth was chipped for a few years..
I was (and still am) developmentally delayed and not reaching milestones other than in my reading precocity of course and vocabulary one, which put me at playing with toys for much longer (as well as delaying things like sexual knowledge, and didn’t even know what rape, pimp, whore, etc was, when peers said these things or when I was called a whore), which also was a source of bullying, and not having a phone until later on… Had a flip phone for my first two 1/2 years in middle school. Putting me even more behind in social means, combined with not having any friends at all..
I was put in youth facilities starting at age 16, and one of them was for kids with disturbed background of any kind, and majority of those girls in there were gang and former juvie or there in placement of juvie kids. I got bullied by the majority of those girls, who took out their frustrations from their maltreatment of life unto me, being a vulnerable target who couldn’t stand up for myself, and being vulnerable because of autism and social ineptitude. I was in fact the only autistic girl there and who was placed in there via an IEP (special ed) plan, funding by my school district.
Writing this all out is even causing me now to cry, and it’s so fucking sick someone like Qaz doesn’t even believe this all..
By the time I reached 18, I was far from ready to be an adult and still am not quite read for this now… I was extremely behind from the childhood abuse I faced from my parents and extended family and bullying from my sister and my peers, with no opportunities for friendship, and very little social awareness and acuity.
Also, I forgot say, some of the kids who bullied me were special needs kids their own self, who tried get social status and not be made fun of by bullying me in place (Wyatt being one, another being a boy named Jake and another one named Griffin… I wonder if my gender had role in drawing more attention to myself in terms of awkwardness, social mistakes, and uncouth social behavior and appearances (boy’s hair, knotted hair, braless, awkward clothing, etc)…
But retorting to onwards eighteen..
I want you to pay attention to how they talk over me. Anything I say and I’m cut off, and they respond in “defense”. This is a normal behavior from my parents I’ve faced every single day of my life I’ve been around them… And I am essentially the filling of their own ego, and its playground.
It is one of many reasons why invalidation is my biggest ptsd trigger. And of why I am so desperate to be seen and feel heard and put my own piece out.
This isn’t even my parents acting malicious. They have done things deliberately to harm myself, but out of perceived “defense”. Such as is case of my mother blackmailing me out of reporting molestation.
And invalidating my molestation like she did here. https://youtu.be/D3LKtb86PvE?si=xdniZc63GQC3RE8i
I am pretty sure my mother has covert narcissistic personality disorder. This is my mother splitting in an npd type of way (throw away versus gain, borderline is over invalidation and fear of abdomen).. https://youtu.be/OKjM2_FT1Yw?si=WF-TIiInlkjob9H0
My father is some type of high dark triad trait disorder, but it’s harder to classify what he is, but most certainly, he has adhd.. This isn’t responsible as much for his behavior, other than maybe has a role in executive function control that could’ve affected some of his dangerously violent behavior towards me, like spread and threatening crash car and pulling and shaking me by my hair one time.
Now my uncle Reha has aspd and is a lifelong in prison convicted felon.
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/losangel...ctims-husband/
Rose was his girlfriend and future fiance.71-year-old Ezra Schley, 37-year-old Yang "Rose" Wang, 54-year-old Reha Soylular and 34-year-old George Armando Medrano were charged Wednesday with aggravated kidnapping for ransom and extortion, residential burglary and attempted extortion.
My parents are so narcissistic (mean this in clinical sense for my mother and possibly for my father, but if not an adjective for him. He’s harder to accurately classify than my mother, though he does also fit the gain versus throw away idealize and devalue of npd).. That all they can fucking do is talk over me. (As they’ve done for my entire life).
They’ve never apologized for causing me the pain they have.. And instead they just defend their own self and their choices and actions— even directly abusive ones, and put the blame on me. For instance, when my father nearly broke my neck and could’ve killed me, he blamed me for his finger breaking when he put it in the door and I slammed it to try getting away from him harming me.
When I call my parents out for putting me in 7-9 hours of physical activity every Monday-Friday in the summer and it being abusive to do that to a developing child, and how sometimes I literally couldn’t feel my legs and they tingled, they even said “that’s not that much exercise)… Literally fucking listen to these people.. They did all this without me ever being seen by a sports medicine doctor or taking me to keep my body in proper injury prevention…
They literally robbed me of my summers to be in my own fantasy, write poetry, play video games.. Mom even says “you just wanted stay at home in your ass playing video games”— implying she rarely gave me the time to even do that, further proving that Qaz’s characterization of intuitive exposure never fucking happened. I WISH I was given what Qaz assumed my childhood was like….
My parents forcing me into all that BS is very likely way I have nerve damage that showed up in my legs when I was physically sickening in 2022, or at least contributed, as I literally couldn’t feel my legs or they felt of Jelo in some of the summers..:
Something I just found:https://www.nspt4kids.com/parenting/...ll%20together.
And I did quit exercise. I walk 2-7 miles very occasionally, though..If a child exercises too much, he is at risk for mental health disorders, overuse injuries, and risks quitting exercise all together.
But of what was claimed probably “made me intuitive”..
I had almost zero intuitive exposure— few books outside of infancy that I read, meager Tv shows, no internet or iPhone allowance until one month short of 14, very little time to play video games with how much competition and summer athletics if enforced to.. I at the competitive level, was put into a lot of swim meets (equivalent to tournament), 5K marathons, and hundreds of volleyball tournaments… and some dancing and tap dance shows.
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