Writing this was tiring. At some point, I´ve reached to point of Im done.

Ironically, I talked about vulnerability but I seem to be in a vulnerable state reading the text now. But im not really. This is nothing. From my point of view, its more like Im talking about my failure in the judgement.

What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it?
Im an engineer and currently working in a corporation.
It took a long time for me to graduate as I was into it and things like depression etc happened. Closer to my graduation, my cousin recommended me to his company.
In reality, I required a bit of time to decide what I would like to do but there was pressure on me at that time. Company called me in a day or two and I got in. Even Though I was not really into that, I was aware of the situation I was in as I was a bit late to work life, and it was an opportunity. My manager says that the top reason she picked me is my honesty in her terms. As Its quite easy to say things like “I didn't do anything with my life” in my opinion because its true. I did things during empty time but from the work like point of view, none of those are useful.

What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
Working 10 hrs a day, 3-4 hours wasted on road. I guess I sleep around 5-6 hours a day and that makes 4, maybe 5 hours of me time.
What I do? Depends. Sometimes playing video games with the boys, sometimes reading, as long as I obsessed about something. When I got obsessed with something, I spend most of my time with it, as if its never enough. Be it typology, be it anime-manga. Lately, I haven't had any obsession. But I think I really don't mix stuff that much. Doing that one thing for certain time is my thing. At least, I believe so. Do not expect me to remember my behavior, most of the time.
I dont get hobbies that much. I´ve tried learning guitar twice. I had same conclusion on both times. Im not that good, I could become okay with the practice but I cant see myself enjoy doing it few years later.
I think of learning some language, but at some point, it starts to look like something that wont be useful. If its not worth it, why put the effort?

What are your values, and why?
If it was before, I would say something like “dont do others, what you wouldnt wanna experience”, in general at least.
But Im not sure now. I´ve had an experience about 1.5 years ago, it was terrible from my side. Kind of an experience that would bring you back to the reality. I can tell that since that experience, my mind is grinding all my “rights” to the oblivion. Im changing. Its damn slow, dont know what Im evolving to but, I know one thing. The moment its completed will turn into an action and it will be the new mold. I cant do anything now because Its not completed, but once its done, there is no going back.
Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
I have 4-5 close friends. I´ve been with them for 15 years. I´ve never thought about why I like them. This is not how I think about people. Reasons to like them etc. I´ve been with them for a long time, I have certain level of trust.
But, If I have to minimize my opinion about relationships in general, I think it would be something like “trade and investment of the time through the time spent together”.
I dont really walk around thinking things to like and dislike, sure, there things I dont like but Its not at the core of my point of view. Dont know how to explain.



What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships?
For romantic, I gained some red lines lately. I wont get into them. But all I can say is, I have to be the one who likes or whatever. Someone liking me is not really my concern. What matters to me is the ones I want. I had relations with few girls which was interested in me, but its not fulfilling in anyway. Ironically, I´ve never had anything with anyone who I believed I had feelings for. Which makes me say things like “no one ever loved me” at times, and this puts me in a weird position as people starts to think there is something wrong with me. LoL.
For friends, I dont like having constant interaction with people in general. People who writes nonstop, whatsapp groups etc are tiring. I dont always talk, not many people is okay with that. I also dont even remember writing to people everynow and then, which makes people think Im uncaring. Which is partly true. Whatever, I´ll just add one thing though, I consider this. Will this person be around in 5 year or so? Do I want this person? how much effort it will require? I dont really put much effort if I think its useless.


Reading it now, I sounded like a cringe teenager. I dont really seek interaction. When people seeks me out, I wont be always available. I might even say Im partly avoiding I guess. But, Its not like Im just a prick or whatever. I would like it if I have few people who I could enjoy spending time and doing things sometimes. Doing things together around common interests is how I get relationships with people. If you call me to something Im interested in or would like spending time doing it, I might become your friend.
Hey, randomly came to my mind. Maybe im in a kind of ptsd period and since its hard for me to remember how I was behaving and feeling in the past, Im just distorting it. Its possible.
What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis?
Its not like I have a journal for this. It doesnt happen much. But it happens when people try to impose their thinking on me.

What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
Im smart, I learn fast and apply the knowledge quickly.
People say Im calm, kind, not very social etc.

What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
Seeing other peoples point of view and being an understanding person to a certain point. This is a problematic feature.
I dislike to fact Im weak to emotion, at times. I dont always feel much. I like my inner tranquility, and dont like when something disrupts it. A person, an event, whatever. There is a certain event in my life where I had extremely strong emotions. It throw me off completely. I dont want that. I know what It does to me, I know what It could do to me if experience that thing in the future.
In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I wont ask for help in general. Its disturbing to me. And people always expects something in return. When I help someone, I dont.


What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)?
I cant care less. I prefer if there is nothing much. Things like paintings, wall coverages are not for me. I like it simple.
If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?
It depends on the amount of money, yet I could say that I would live my life according to my own pace if the amount allows me to get out of stream of life.

How do you behave around strangers?
Aloof I guess. Depends on the people and how I want to be.


How do you dress or manage your appearance?
It depends on purpose. If I have a reason, I would manage to a certain degree. Normal times, its not like I walk around like beggar but there is less emphasis on it, though, I like looking good in general, just lazy.

Do you like kids? Why or why not?
I like them for a limited time. Its not good after they get noisy.

In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
I will let you know if I ever feel fulfilled. This is what Im looking for I guess.

How do you feel about attention? Do you seek it out?
Between none and mild attention seeking I guess. I have had a bad experience in the past which I mentioned. During that time, I was like a impulsive attention seeking chimp I guess.
If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what approach would you take, and why?

Your friend bursts into tears. What do you do? How does it make you feel?
Im not that good when people starts crying, getting extremely angry etc. Someone crying could make feel like Im about to or it could just be like total numbness. As for anger, it increases my tension. I cant really tell if Im emotional person or not.

What is your biggest accomplishment?
I guess surviving the depression counts. Its been long time, it does not matter now.


What is something you regret?
Letting myself be vulnerable. Truly vulnerable.

Who do you admire, and why?
Admiring people etc is not really my thing. I dont even understand how people be fans, admire, adore other people. So what if they are famous, rich, extremely smart or historical figures. I reject the notion.

What are your spiritual or religious beliefs and why do you hold them?
Im an atheist. I dont have the need to belive something greater than me. I never believed, even as a kid.

What kind of work environment do you prefer? What do you look for in a job?
I would say I prefer peaceful but I dont know if its really what I require.

What is or was your favorite school subject and why?
Math, physics, chemistry, biology. I was good at them. I liked the problem solving part of math.

Talk about a significant event from your life.
Fall in love once. Fatherly compassion I felt fked me over. Emotions, relationship etc requires a bit of vulnerability. I think I took it to another level.
Love and compassion are great tools, to be used against you. Must be kept in check without losing control, or you will get hurt.

What do you do if you're not getting what you want? What approach do you use?
This requires context of the situation. I could be passive if I can understand other peoples circumstances. But there are situations that could make me adamant on the thing I want.


How often do you get angry? What kinds of things make you angry?
I dont always get angry. Being taking advantage of is something I could say. I will add if I remember.

What is one unusual trait or ability you possess? What makes you special?
Generally, people does not understand the way I think. I guess Im tired of trying to explain etc since it puts me in a weird situation considering the fact that Its hard to explain at times. I dont know if it counts.

What is your sense of humor like? Do you joke around a lot?
Depends on the people around me. I think Im sarcastic but I dont know how other people views it. But in general, I dont humiliate people or anything in that nature to get laughs.


What is the purpose of life? What do you find personally meaningful in life?
Life has no meaning. Urge to look for purpose never ceases as there is no answer.
I doubt I would ever find my purpose. I have few occasions that could put me in to action towards future as if there is a meaning. And all of those are the times that I like someone and want them in my future. Which makes me weak imo.

What is the most interesting place you have been, and why?
I got out of my country once, I went to Japan. Since I like anime, I had knowledge about the country, plus Im curious. Crowded but quite country of respectful people, I will go once more in the future.