Death of a Dual

[sojourn]

It's been about 2 months since I lost a friend.

He was a local pub manager/ graduate student. We met and bonded during the pandemic- both of us far from our homes, country, family.
As these things go, he looked out for me when guys at the pub wouldn't back off and he took an interest in most of the nonsense I threw his way. He was the one who came to me one day and asked, "You know MBTI?"

2 years later, I'm across the street from him on Halloween night. He gets crushed by dozens of other people in a crowd surge and saves the woman in front of him.

One minute, we were talking. 3 hours later, so many people were laid out on the street. CPR can't fix a mangled body. Police, medics, crowd control- too little and way too late.

He's gone. I didn't allow myself to feel the gut-wrenching pain until the next morning train ride and I sobbed like a child in front of god and everybody.

Now, I work more than ever, disassociate more often than not. Today, I saw his gaze in someone else's eyes and I have no place to express how deeply it hurt.



TDLR- for those who have been ripped away from a close dual, how do you pick up the pieces in the aftermath?

[Kalinoche buenanoche]

Maybe don't try to pick up the pieces and let it change you

[Minde]

Take care of yourself physically. No need to go overboard, I'm talking things like make sure you eat, sleep, wash yourself, etc. Even if you feel like you're just going through the motions. If you can get out into fresh air and take a walk, that's good, too, but first do what you need to keep yourself alive. From what you've said of him, I believe your friend would want you to get through this.

Talk with someone. A trained therapist, especially one familiar with grief counseling, would be ideal but really anyone who will listen well is good. You can type out things here. We'll listen. Find ways to process, to feel, and do it at your own speed. Find ways to express the wide range of emotions that might come up. Art, music, movement, crying, throwing things even (seriously, I had a therapist who suggested I throw some eggs at a big board to get out some anger).

I'm so so sorry but this is going to take time. Sometimes you'll have the strength to process and sometimes you'll need to disassociate just to get through the day. It's ok. What you lost, what the world lost when your friend died, is real and the consequences are real. You feel horrible because it is horrible. It's going to hurt because that is the right response, but ALSO please allow for the moments of good that come along, too. Grief has a lot of both/and. For me, allowing myself to feel both the really bad parts and the good parts has helped to keep me going.


Hugs to you. I'm so sorry this happened.

[Manatroid92]

He sounds like a terrific person. I'm really sorry for your loss, sojourn.

Gotta take your time and recover, grief is still grief, no matter how close someone may or may not have been to you.

[Beautiful sky]

It's been about 2 months since I lost a friend.

He was a local pub manager/ graduate student. We met and bonded during the pandemic- both of us far from our homes, country, family.
As these things go, he looked out for me when guys at the pub wouldn't back off and he took an interest in most of the nonsense I threw his way. He was the one who came to me one day and asked, "You know MBTI?"

2 years later, I'm across the street from him on Halloween night. He gets crushed by dozens of other people in a crowd surge and saves the woman in front of him.

One minute, we were talking. 3 hours later, so many people were laid out on the street. CPR can't fix a mangled body. Police, medics, crowd control- too little and way too late.

He's gone. I didn't allow myself to feel the gut-wrenching pain until the next morning train ride and I sobbed like a child in front of god and everybody.

Now, I work more than ever, disassociate more often than not. Today, I saw his gaze in someone else's eyes and I have no place to express how deeply it hurt.



TDLR- for those who have been ripped away from a close dual, how do you pick up the pieces in the aftermath?