Member Questionnaire (seeking it)

[seeking it]

Member Questionnaire 1 (seeking it)

What is beauty? What is love?

1. Beauty can be in the physical looks or it can be artistic, emotional or "abstract" things. Beauty in the arts is really enthralling to me, sometimes (I'm not an artist myself, I was only as a kid).

2. Love is altruistic and affectionate attachment to another person or maybe to an animal. But you could also love objects really. That's just called materialistic love

Also, when it's about loving a human being, then you preferably you already *know* and accept the person for who they are. You can't truly love a person that you don't know and thus don't accept. Then you just love some image, imagination or you are trying to fulfil some fantasy needs of yours. This is a very important distinction imo

And, *drumroll* - the exact same applies to romantic love. The "love" in "romantic love" is there for a reason, it's not by accident that this the same word is used in that expression.

What are your most important values?

I can't prioritise things like this, I don't really think about this kind of thing. Sorry, skip.

EDIT: You could say my most important value though is 'moving forward'. Like, I can stick with that one. Anything else I can't stick with consistently or it would be a list that's too long to call it just the "most important" values. This one is the most important for me because 1) I can place it at the top of a values hierarchy and all other values can be derived from it 2) I just feel like I embody it too on some level, idk, it's a sense or feeling I have. Period.

Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?

(Sorry this is gonna be alot of rambling, feel free to skip if it makes no sense to you)

***Highlighting the main parts in GREEN for short attention span, for all of my longer answers***

I don't know what I believe in, I don't believe in a particular God or anything concrete like that, but somehow I've been changing and I've become able to look at spiritual things and actually make some subjective sense out of it. I mean how I've become able to do this, I realise it doesn't work for me without emotionally feeling these things, I can't really work with most of this spiritual stuff if I don't associate it to emotions first and that's really strange, because it used to be wayyyy more detached but that's how it seems to be. To be clear, I used to not have emotions with it but I like it this way now.

Anyways, I sometimes find it fun to read or listen to real "esoteric" or "mystical" stuff now and I enjoy trying to translate it to my own language to make that subjective "sense" out of it. And this is where I need the emotions, I mean to be able to do the "translating". It just flows easily then and I enjoy it. So maybe my dabbling in this will actually come out to something in the end. Actually no, I know nothing will come out of it But maybe in like 50 years from now!! (naah still joking)

Before that I used to be like, I knew I wasn't an atheist even when a boyfriend of mine tried to insist that I was an atheist like him. I'm very materialistic in my perceptions and I rebelled against&quit organised religion a long time ago but that just isn't the same as being an atheist.
So before, I used to be like, I had this vague sense of something transcendent that was really nice, sometimes I would turn to this to feel good about it, to feel uplifted, about an awe or reverence for the mystery of the universe, but I could focus on this only for a second at a time.

But it would still be very important for being able to keep going in life, to sustain me in a sense.

And this sense comes from how I read a series of books on spirituality that a guy gave me that I was really into. I mean I was into the guy. But I liked the books too. However, until the change I described above, that was all I had for spiritual beliefs and I've long forgotten most of the stuff in those books. I mean I know I acted based on it afterwards for many, many years, like I had these nice beliefs subconsciously and it made my behaviour and attitudes "better", "nicer", but I consciously have forgotten it all. Also....I've forgotten because it made me act too "nicely", and so, it did not serve me well in the long run. I needed an overhaul of my attitudes in the end (still working on that). Those books were just....not good enough for the actual reality here, it was a very idealistic worldview for how to believe in all these nice things, but I was a teenager back then, I'm an adult now and so I have grown out of that stuff.

To give an actual example, I'd not want to see things in people like envy, jealousy, pettiness, all kinds of catty bullshit....so I'd treat everyone trying to do fair, equal treatment for them, as if these things didn't exist and so on.

(The only one thing that I haven't forgotten is how the books started with, you have your own inner voice you can listen to and that's for sure helped me too)

All in all I still don't have any specific spiritual or religious beliefs but I'd like to be able to find something. It won't be organised religion tho because I can't stand their rules and restrictions TBH. E.g. sexual and other bullshit restrictions
(I do like that religious people try to be ethical, moral, that religion teaches all this, such people can sometimes be more trustable, but....)

Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?

(This isn't going to be about politics!! Please if you reply to this, don't make it a political discussion)

1. War in Ukraine....no thanks!
This is very utopian but I'd like a real global government of all nations united under it and no wars because that's simply destruction and not progress. War in more developed areas is old school now, so like, Putin is really old school with it.

(Yeah this is not politics, this is just my view on war)

Militaries are still necessary for self-defense, to be able to intimidate other countries blah blah blah. It's also needed if we actually wanted to do the UN's original goal for maintaining peace. That is, utilise a strong military to enforce peace and ensure prosperity instead of destructive warring but of course it turns out we can't even do that with how the politics work in this world (again not gonna get into politics).

2. Power: this is a general term with many meanings. I mean I first automatically think of very high status traditionally, e.g. in a hierarchy, like at the workplace, or for high political influence, so mostly high influence and high positions for various kinds of governance. (Please see my notes on language use below)

But if you mean personal power, and not in a traditional hierarchy then power is simply energy, vitality, confidence. Also mental strength, which is in a large part willpower, willfulness and unflinching determination & being collected and focused all the time, even if you are under the worst possible attack, torture, etc., but again this is partially a mental thing, and only partially physical in the body, because it's not dependent on how much muscle you have or anything like that.

Willpower also just totally in my opinion has a form that's completely mental, like you can will your psyche to transform things as needed for your personal growth if you get enough clarity for it, when you know where exactly to direct your willpower and energy for this purpose, what to attack to get the process of internal change started. You just have to reallllly, really want it. So this has power too in it.

Ofcourse, being physically strong is power too.

And if you are the type of person that knows how to manipulate others in all kinds of invisible ways (mentally, contexts, etc.) then that's a type of power too, but I don't go near that myself. I know there is a lot of power in that but I just don't do it and if someone tries to do that against me, they will be an enemy of mine for life, no turning back from it.

Money, wealth is also power, if you've got a lot of it.....I'm not at all against that one

But again....in my native language (it isn't English), power means the power and influence that comes with a high position, status in any kind of social hierarchy. I was trying to answer based on the English term. With my native language, it isn't the correct term with all the other above meanings I listed, except for the power and influence that money provides. That one does match in my native language too. The power that arises from manipulative abilities also kinda matches in my native language as well. The rest of what I wrote about doesn't match, we have different terms and connotations for that stuff, for everyday use anyways.

What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?

1. I don't like to talk for so long, it's too draining lol

I mean you can make me do long convos where I'll talk at length and listen too, but I'll just do it out of a sense of social obligation, sorry

2. My interests in no particular order are competitive sport, fashion, gadgets, real estate, travelling, languages, reading. Nowadays psychology, spirituality (LOL), politics and the economy too. I probably forgot&left out some things here, sorry, I'll add more if I think of more

Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?

I like biology & medical science lots. I find health nuts boring tho

I focus on my looks, my health, yes and I take care of my body for racing too

What do you think of daily chores?

I think nothing of them

Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.

Recent series: Manifest

What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?

1. Eh it took me 5 years before I could cry over the loss of some people

And then I cried for 3 seconds, lol.

2. Idk this question on smiling I find boring

Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?

Do you mean in a spiritual sense or what? Please clarify

What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?

1. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. That applies to what people have seen as my weaknesses. You ask 10 people, they'll say 10 different things

OK, the one thing I found interesting is the adage that anger is a weakness. It took me 1000 years to understand what they meant by it but I get it now, yeah. Other than this observation, I have never found anything useful in people's random stereotyping, bullshit guesses or personal attacks about me.

2. I don't care to think in a bad light about myself, like (besides self-respect and self-worth), self-love is important, but ok.... I dislike not being able to just go and act VERY cheerful in high spirits and blah blah blah

What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?

1. That I get & achieve what I want. Intelligence & I think for myself

2. Same as above. Particularly that I achieve my crazy goals where others would have given up crying like a baby after 5 minutes. My pride. That I don't turn my anger into hatefulness. And that you can't ever defeat me no matter how manipulative you are

In what areas of your life would you like help?

(Again this is gonna be rambly, skip if it doesn't make sense)

I mean, this is what I said to someone today:

"I just want two weeks where I can just tell someone what I'd like right now and then they just do it and there needs to be no fight about it. If I say "x", then they just go and do x and not argue with me, let alone try to affect me with negative drama if they don't feel like doing it."

Where I can just make my requests and it'll be done, no argument, no drama, no negotiating, no anything whatsoever. Just plain believe me that my request is actually what I'd like rather than their ideas of what I'd like. Or at worst they tell me they would like to do it a bit later, not right now, that's fine, and say it in a way that there is NO negative drama about it. All in all, zero negative emotions!!

I really want to relax and not have to fight all the time just for those 2 weeks.

Other than that (I did not say this part), what would be realllllllllly ideal for these 2 weeks is..... I'm gonna be a real hypocrite here but yeah, so I've just said I don't want negative emotion from anyone during these 2 weeks of rest.... BUT I want to be able to express ALL my negative emotion.... No matter how ugly or shit or mean or "nasty" or angry or ragey or "aggressive" or upset or distressed or even "hateful" it looks. So like let me just express it all and let me be and not think that I'm now suddenly magically a different (bad, evil, dangerous, completely unpredictable) person just because I show what I usually don't show. And no I don't mean taking out the anger on someone else. Just plain express it without attacking anyone

(I mean express it to someone, not just do it all on my own alone)

Plus....I'd not go out of my way and do anything for anyone else in these two weeks, whether it's an obligation or not. Just relax instead, without having to pay attention to anyone else. Without anyone making any hint to me about who to pay attention to, about my obligations, blah blah blah. They can just be attentive to me instead, like I described above

So yeah that's where I'd like help and then after those 2 weeks I can just go back to my normal life and need no help or support like that thanks and fuck it

(So yes my idea of "support" isn't what others think of as support and so that's my problem but I'll survive thanks)

(Plus I used to want more complex "support" than this but by now this simple stuff is enough, and I'll survive without this too lol)

Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.

No, rhetorical question, what the heck is a rut? Just keep moving.

What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?

1a. I like decent, reliable, kind, forgiving, smart, funny blah blah people. Idk
1b. I dislike weakness, dishonesty, manipulation, people who are regularly late just to fuck around, people who make promises all the time just not to keep them, all kinds of unreliability etc. These were the first things I thought of

2. Idk if you mean socionics types. If not, then....people who are assertive at least a tiny fucking little bit. Don't need those hypocrite types who try to be saintly nice but can't be assertive like a normal person until they eventually, finally overdo the "assertiveness" or do it in some really bad passive aggro way.

How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?

1. I feel them

2. Good enough looks, sense of adventure (sexually too), intelligent, refined, devoted, attentive, admires me ..... my weakness is mysteriousness

If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?

1. They need to be able to do, achieve things
Everything else comes after that. A well-adjusted, socially confident, successful, well-liked, happy person blah blah blah

2. I mean I haven't thought about the measures yet. But I won't be like my laissez-faire sister who's extreme with doing no limits for her kids. I do want to see what's beneficial for my kid and go based on that. It depends on what my kids would be like too, kids are not all the same

A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?

Need an example to be able to answer this

(But probably I'd just inquire about it to hear more about it before I think a thing)

Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.

1. Society is a very important basis to our lives.

Um if this question was asking me about my personal relationship to society then I mean it's a framework to act within.

2. Idk

3. Getting too laissez-faire about things where your instincts should be screaming NO!!!! Some people are totally losing their sensibilities and they have no limits about anything anymore, and add to this that people want to think in populist stereotypes based in groupthink rather than in facts and a level-headed evaluation of everyone's interests and what would be beneficial to society, and then you get a real bad mess on the whole. I don't want to get more specific here because it would turn really political (unless that's okay here, let me know).

How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?

1. I used to not choose my friends, I let them choose me, and that was a BAD idea. Now I do choose.....is the person decent, reliable, kind and well-adjusted enough in life? So I check for their character before I'd consider anything else. Like, if the above checks out OK, then I like friends who are able to entertain me, and vice versa. And if we can go do things together. Similar views on the important things, some shared tastes, styles, can share special things, "dreams", blah blah blah

2. I behave as my real self around them.....if it's a friend. If it's a leech or a vampire, then no.....

How do you behave around strangers?

Depends on mood....I either ignore people, or I'm open to a little small talk, fun interactions but I don't initiate or only if I feel comfortable with it somehow, depends on the other person or on my mood if I feel comfy like that