I had a toxic family. So all my life, I was afraid from conflict and angry people. I learned that even if I resist, it won't make a difference so I just obeyed them. I avoided conflict at all costs. I was a nice, hardworking girl to the outside. But on the inside I was hating them.
Last 2 years everything changed. They became less toxic. And now I can confront them. They are so sad because I became too cold. But I was hating them already, now I stopped acting. I said them "you did this, that and this to me, so we will never have a good family relationship".
They cried but I don't care. Actually I'm really happy. It felt like kinda revenge. I find forgiving someone stupid. People around me generally say I'm too ruthless.
All the years I hated myself. When I look the other kids they were rebellious. I was not. They were shouting, fighting. I was a scaredy cat. I thought about it everyday. Everyday I hated and insulted myself but didn't do anything.
Last few months I had some courage in me and decided to change. I became more assertive. Now I don't avoid conflicts. (Except authority. Because I need them. For example, I am know living with my cousin 27 yo. And I need her to provide me home. So I still avoid conflict with her. And it drives me crazy.
I just want to be independent, free. I want to not need anyone and just be fcking alone. I didn't ever wish for a loving family. I wished for not being dependent. But I would like a few "very close" friends. I don't like having acquaintances. They are boring. I hate small talk.
When I talk with someone new, I wanna be their friend immeadiatly. Then I see some bad behaviour of them. And I don't talk them anymore. I can't change people if they don't want to. And it is so tiring. I can cut the ties easily.
But I still want some close relationship and like drawing attention. And I find it pathetic. But at least I can still live pretty comfortable alone.
I don't care what society thinks about ethics. I have my own ethics and don't change them easily. I decide what is ethical by logic.
When I am learning something I just wish to become an expert immeadiatly and finish it. I am happier when I finish things. And I don't have an interest in math or science because I can't use it in daily life. But I am interested with psychology and typology because I can use them. And I am currently working on becoming more assertive and strong. (Reading books, setting goals, making lists about it.) And I actually improved a lot in a few months.
People say I am serious and need to cheer up. I hate it. Even if I act, I cant act always and it seems weird. Why do people think everyone should always laugh? Weddings, or parties don't cheer me up. I just have a resting bitch face and people mostly tell me that I look angry and aggressive while talking or walking or evet just looking...
I am not an emotional person. People say I am intelligent, highly logical and assertive.
I hate cooking and caring for my body. It's so boring but I have to do it. I like dressing and looking good but only when I'm with people I know. If I'm with strangers or alone, I don't care. I like good food and music.
I am always in my head. Thinking about something. I don't care about what happens in my enviroment. I am not a materialistic person.
I think there is only one "most logical way" to do things. I hate generalizing. (All men are x, all women are y, all children are Z.)
I always have a plan because I am nervous. I only have one friend. And we mostly talk about how stupid and bad people are, the other tragic events and our rage towards people.
I have good control over my rage. I don't like conflict and aggressive people and find them stupid. But I hate avoiding conflict more. I admire strong people. And I kinda want conflict because I believe it will make me stronger. Sometimes I wish I had a worse family. I am always pushing myself to be more strong.
I generally don't find romance films romantic because it is mostly a girl needs a man. This is pathetic, disgusting and horrible.
I hate that sometimes I need to be kind. I hate softening my words. I don't like overly emotional people. I find it stupid to keep positive atmosphere. If something is wrong, just tell and be direct. There is no need to ignore bad events. Actually they are much more interesting and provide us experience.