I think a lot of people would always invite him to their social functions in order for him to “play his role” of livening up the party, sort of as his (perceived) price of admission. That’s somewhat of a pessimistic view, however I became quite protective of him over this. At my ILI/SLI friends’ wedding, my SEE was trying to liven it up by jumping on stage with the band and pretending to play the saxophone… I have it on video where he comes back to our table to grab a sip of beer and my beloved EIE brother (the “puppet master”) came up behind him and yelled like a drill sargent: “you get back there… get back out there!” It’s hilarious but, startled, he immediately put down his beer and ran back to the dance floor grabbing people to make them dance in order to make the wedding a wild success. I know that the typing of celebrities is controversial because we label them without actually knowing them, but I’ve noticed the same phenomenon occurring in the lives of some whom I consider to also be SEE: Elvis, Michael Hutchence, Jennifer Lawrence, Freddie Mercury. Everyone wants Jennifer Lawrence to “liven up the party” with her unconventional antics—tripping on the red carpet to entertain us, Elvis was always expected to adhere to an impossibly exhausting work schedule in order to go out there and make everyone in his entourage rich…and it’s also evident in Freddie Mercury‘s lyrics from
The Show Must Go On: “Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking but my smile still stays on… I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill, I have to find the will to carry on…On with the Show!” That responsibility for others’ enjoyment is exhausting when you think of it – everyone always wanting a piece of you and always trying to be so nice to everyone. I think it was the bassist from INXS who remarked that Michael would have to do interview after interview in each town they toured in, and always answer to the fans wanting a piece of him, whereas after a show HE could walk right through the crowd and no one would even recognize or ask anything of him.
There was an instance when some new acquaintance from work wanted my SEE to help pour the concrete for a patio he was building in another town a week before Christmas— which would have meant he would not get to spend very much time with his kids or family. I was irate over that—not for myself, but for him—telling him “WTF you hardly even know this guy, why would he even ask you, and why would you say yes?” It became evident that this issue continuously presented us with a quandary because every time someone wanted us to do something for them, we began asking ourselves if WE would ever consider ask this of THEM (OR anyone else), and it was astonishing that the answer was always a resounding “No!”. This became a kind of watershed moment for us as a couple, because we then seriously evaluated all of our relationships with our friends and family, and realized that in every instance, we always paid or did more for them than they did for us. I used to host Christmas for 20 people year after year, my ex-husband‘s brother and his wife left one of their kids with me to watch for a summer, then did the same thing with another one of their kids two years later (when we had more kids, and she as a teacher had the summer off to relax in their golf course community clubhouse). I would never in a million years pawn one of my kids off on a relative for a couple of months without them ever having been invited, or at the very least asking the female if it was OK with her since her partner was out-of-town for work every week—I just would not be so bold or have so little pride as to impose in that way. I don’t regret it though, because to this day my kids are super close to their cousins.
We as a couple began to resent covering more of the costs than anyone else in any extended family trip or outing, and taking the social burden upon ourselves to try to entertain everyone rather than just sitting back and leaving the slack for others to pick up. To be fair, no one forced us to be that way…perhaps we placed this burden on ourselves for some reason, and likely the fault is our own for not just learning how to say “No!”. I DO think that in my case, Se HA has something to do with it, because to say “I wouldn’t be able to handle 6 kids on my own all summer, so I’m sorry I have to say No” would be admitting weakness in reluctantly being backed into the corner of failure against my will. There’s definitely a bit of martyrdom coming into play there, because I wasn’t going to give my LSE sister-in-law that satisfaction of letting her know that I said No because I couldn’t handle it, after the 3 adults arranged this behind my back… I just hoped that she felt guilty while she was lounging around her golf course community with 2 kids for the summer while I had 6, and hopefully realizing that I was a better mother. (Jeez this analysis is becoming pretty fucked up!!
) The joke was on me though, because since I didn’t complain when she did it with her oldest child, she did it again with her middle child two years later!
I do admit I admire her in some respects for empowering herself through her Si—namely when her husband admitted that he would come home from work and watch their 3 kids and make dinner because she proclaimed she couldn’t function well as a mother after work unless she had some time to reset and look after herself by working out and before coming home for the evening. Meanwhile for MY self care, my PolR Si combined with my Se HA instead had me pushing a double stroller while walking 2 dogs and forcing the 3 oldest kids to hike beside me so that I wouldn’t have to ask anyone else for help.
There IS an underlying frisson of resentment towards people who are supposed to love us, yet nonetheless have the gall to keep asking when it is blatantly obvious that the requests only and always go in one direction. It’s stressful to be pushed into that uncomfortable position of ultimately having to say “No” when you innately want to pull more than your weight and to please; I used to just put up with it, but now I protect myself more. Perhaps it’s a gamma or FI thing—where it’s super important to us to make sure that we are not being a burden on anyone else, and to overcompensate in our generosity so as to leave ZERO doubt or room for misunderstanding on anyone that we are NOT freeloading. Even more deeply, perhaps it’s an insecurity issue where we feel we have to offer something extra in order to be included or valued. Honestly Covid was kind of a vacation for us socially ha ha.