Hey Alphas, I'm ILE-Ne (I think) and I am 18 years old (almost 19) and I just need a little bit of help from my own kind (at least I think you are lol, but I am pretty convinced I'm ILE, especially after what I'm about to write about) since I really don't have anybody else to talk to about this at this point. I graduated high school last year amidst all of the COVID lockdowns and school restrictions, and when I graduated I didn't feel like I was on the right path. I lost all of my friends because I saw them less over COVID, and I stopped playing video games for my health, which in turn grew us a bit distant. I left the year off on a really bad mark, and since then, I've struggled to get my foot in the door because I'm uncertain about everything and what exactly I want to do, and moving out and whatnot, and still feeling connected to my parents for safety and guidance. However this has proven to be extremely upsetting for both of them, who both take frustrations at my levels of uncertainty and 'aimlessness'.
I originally had a job as a mobile phone technician for about 6 months, and then decided it wasn't for me in June of 2021, because I was just alone and sitting all day, repairing the same phones over and over again, often breaking them accidentally and causing lots of accidental damages to them. Since then I have not gotten a job yet because I have been very scared of leaving the house and have been very unsure about what job would be the most enjoyable, in typical Ne fashion. The problem is with my parents. My mom is an ESI, and my dad is an SLE. They have been divorced for a very long time, since I was a little kid. They both cause immense problems for me often, so I often find myself flip-flopping between each parent when I've just been fed up enough with the other, and then everything starts great with the other one, but then it just devolves into madness, and then I go to the other parent thinking things will be better, and then it's just not. I've been in this vicious cycle since they got divorced, thinking that 'going to mom's will be better for me', and then when mom frustrates me to no end, I jump on the dad train, thinking that 'he'll give me more freedom' and then he just gets unbelievably pushy and forceful, and then I go to mom's for comfort thinking things will be better, and then, well you get the point. It's a neverending cycle, and entering adulthood and especially through studying personality theory, I have realized I have been hypnotized by trying to bounce between them, when I never really stopped to realize that they're both terrible for me.
For context, the ESI mom is very empathetic and welcoming about problems, in typical Fi fashion, but she is a relentless perfectionist who has extreme trouble with any ounce of chaos around her, even something as little as a laptop that's already being used being 'left on the counter'. She gets incredibly nervous when things are even remotely out of place, even something as small as another person's phone making notification sounds. Of course as someone who kind of is the definition of chaos, this is frustrating to her, and her being in a position of power as the mother of the house, she asks me to stop, which in turn frustrates me because I often never have fun there. Everyone in her house developed the perception that I was introverted, despite being very talkative at school with tons of energy levels, simply because of the fact that I always stayed in my room because they always frustrated me to no ends, perfecting everything I did, to the point that I wasn't even sure what I could do downstairs. I try to do something fun and then mom tries to warn me of all of the consequences, and then that just ruins the fun, and it always feels like I'm walking on thin ice at all times. Our arguments usually end in shouting matches, frustrated at each other for god knows what reason. Talking to her about ideas and things I might want to do for fun usually results in, "Yeah that sounds fun, but you can't realistically do that until you've done step A., step B. step, C. D. E. F. and then I just feel hopeless every time she talks, because in my eyes now I'm just being bombarded with all the ways that my ideas aren't possible or 'won't work out realistically' and then it makes me feel like I can't do anything I thought of. Often when asking her for advice, she tries to give simplistic solutions, insisting that 'this is the right way and you need to take these steps to get where you want' but that's not what I was asking for, I was trying to experiment and talk things out, but she sees it as 'useless and unproductive with no purpose'.
SLE dad is another story. You'd think we get along great but a lot of times that's not the case. Different story here; me and my SLE dad have a ton of the same interests and talk about a ton of the same things, unlike mom, who is often very different from me personality wise. We outwardly talk very similar, we both have good people skills, etc. We both like fixing things, cars, making food, same movies, music, technology, guns, computers, etc. I mean, you name it and we probably both like it. But he often goes about it in very different ways often. For one, being a Declaring Farsighted Negativist Ni/Se valuer, he is constantly giving me incredibly long detailed speeches about what the car 'doesn't have' and how to 'prevent' whatever it is I could 'possibly' fuck up on, and furthermore because he is Declaring, he never stops talking and whenever I try to interrupt him to say something, it's almost near impossible because he has this crazy ability to manage to keep talking and block out any god damn outside responses from anyone until he is finished with everything he has to say, to the point where even visibly and audibly outrageous acts of yelling at him won't even manage to get him to stop talking and listen. For example, we're both big into cars, but we go about dealing with them in different ways. I tried learning stick-shift on one of his cars, because I thought manual was a fun idea to try out. It wasn't. Not because manuals suck, they're awesome, but they were awesome after he stopped fucking lecturing me about everything wrong I was doing and opening up a million different things to 'watch out for'; when I was able to take driving the manual into my own hands and just go through trial-and-error with no worries, it was awesome and super fun. I often get in the prospect of him being seemingly very fun, since we have a lot of the same interests, but he just manages to ruin it with all of this lecturing and correction and foresight, and it's annoying. Furthermore, when I tell him that I want him to stop forcing advice onto me, because I want to have fun and experiment with the car rather than be bombarded with lectures, he tells me 'well how are you going to improve and do things the right way like they should be done?' and I tell him, 'guess what? that's why I want you to stop talking, because that's not fun and I want to enjoy riding the stick-shift, not feel on edge every time I drive the damn thing.' and he just gets incredibly defensive, insisting that he is doing me a service by giving me this planning, despite how much I do worse with it. Not to mention, being an SLE of course, he is the definition of stereotypical masculinity. He's a total sex addict, cannot look at a single woman without even making a single comment about her boobs, physical appearance, or how he would 'like to nail her hard'. He's a complete pickup artist, spending hours at a time looking at redpill-esque advice on YouTube trying to learn intricate strategies on how to attract and seduce women, along with how to pick 'high-value women' (or whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean) and how to 'keep them in their place', and how to pay attention to 'sexual market value'... smh I don't fucking understand it but he insists on teaching me these things as 'things I must know for my life' for some god forsaken reason. While that's bad enough, the problem is not necessarily with his views, but how he forces them onto me. He's constantly lecturing me on these principles of how 'women are designed to operate' and how every single thing I do is, for some reason, 'not getting you laid or getting you any pussy anytime soon', which is not fun considering I just want to live my life and not have to worry about playing these creepy 'seduction games' with any girl I walk past, despite the fact that he constantly berates me for not doing so. He always tells me to 'joke around' with girls, which I obviously overdo being Ne and all, and then he just says 'that is joker behavior, not flirty behavior, and girls don't play around and give their time and their pussy to jokers like that', often endlessly pushing this on me because I can't ever stop joking around and get serious... as if I cared? So what?? Well hell, shoot me I guess, guilty as charged... I love joking around and making people laugh all the time and trolling endlessly and being goofy all the time, I mean for god sakes I'm an ENTP, why on earth would I ever stop doing that just to have mostly meaningless sex with girls I don't find attractive lol?? Anyways, he is also an intense conspiracy theorist, also pushing those views intensely onto me. Despite being an ST, he is highly mystical and always tries to seek out these erratic 'mysteries and laws of succeeding in life' in typical Ni fashion, always telling me to 'visualize what I want' despite that not making any sense to me whatsoever since that's not how I operate since I just like to experiment. For him, these 'visualizations' he tells himself are often fantasies of wanting more money, more properties, more success, more safety, and more titties. And no I'm not joking about that last one, I'm dead serious. But like I said, the problem is not that he believes these things; I find it a bit weird and not functional for me personally but I understand that it works for him, but the major problem is that he insists on having me follow his laws, as his righteous 'son who is his blood' (as if I am indebted to him for my birth, which is not something I even asked for?). When I politely reject his suggestions (which I never asked for in the first place), he forcefully insists and raises his voice incredibly loud to try and 'get the point across' because I 'am not listening to him', then resorting to explaining how 'I am a failure and am doing nothing with my life and will never succeed and will end up homeless' simply because I haven't figured out which job would be fun for me to commit to, only 6 months after my high school graduation which is not even a long time; the way he makes it sound is as if I am a 35 year old living in my mom's basement who has never accomplished anything, which is stupid considering I am only fucking 18 years old and trying to figure things out as I go. He has undeniably high expectations of 'his children, aka his blood' and expects that because I am his son that I am indebted to honor him, which obviously being Se role, does not fly with me ever. He then usually fits off in rage because I try to tell him every way that his reasoning is not the standard.
Sorry, long post lmao
Dad's was long but that's only because my problems are with him at the moment, I'm sure if I went back with mom I would write up a list just as long. One common theme with both of them were at my apparent 'lack of action' and that I needed to just 'take steps to get moving' while I'm still in the process of considering what I even want to do. They're wanting me to get started when I'm not even sure it is what I want to do, which is obviously counterintuitive, since I can't get started when I'm uncertain about what I would like to commit to. Both things they mentioned is that I need to 'take action' and 'stop considering and start taking steps to get going', which I would love to absolutely do, if I had any idea what it is that I am taking action towards and if I'm settled on it in the first place.
At this point, even surprisingly my very empathetic mom is hurling name-calls at me about my indecisiveness and 'being a burden and not making a decision', and of course my dad is just telling me I'm a full blown failure at this point, because it's been 6 months since my graduation and I'm still not sure what job would be fun to commit to, rather than 35 years... smh it frustrates me.
I have no other guidance to rely on, except for my mom's therapist, who is actually an INFJ in MBTI (unsure about her sociotype, she talks a lot about boundaries and Fi stuff that my mom has problems with, so I'd assume EII) and seems to get me alright for the most part, but she's on a virtual call, not in real life sadly, and I don't have any clear cut regularly scheduled visitations with her, so it makes it hard to meet up with her. Being Ne, she is not hard or forceful with advice, often just theorizing about alternatives and working through them with me rather than forcing solutions and 'action', which is nice, but like I said, it's hard to meet up with her regularly, and she is not a stable resource to continually help me out day-to-day because she is not an in-person therapist. She's really the only person I have; talking with my mom is not a major source of conflict like it is with forceful SLE dad, but it often does result in some frustration among us, to the point where we don't really get anywhere at all and I never take her advice, even compared to dad. Like I said, I lost all of my friends for the most part, and mostly I feel completely alone and lost, so I don't really have anyone else to reach out to. Most of the people I tend to reach out to are always somehow Se/Ni valuers, which always frustrates me. I'm not sure what to do. I know this was super long, and I'm sorry about that, but any Alphas out there, if I even am one lol, what do you think your tips would be? Maybe I'm not an Alpha, and my attempt at help might just be unpleasant to deal with, but I know that things with known Se/Ni valuers are not working for me. I try asking mom and dad for help, and mom is mostly only good at empathy and comfort for the most part but that's it, and dad is too forceful and a lot of stuff just doesn't work with either of them. Any tips for any Alphas out there, or even just any Ne/Si valuers, since Se/Ni seems to be the biggest point of trouble for me in my life? Thanks!