Alpha story from a random Brit started getting curious what I’ve learned

[Higgy56]

Learned all about my type this year.

bit of background- psychology and philosophy student.

I have a phenomenological view on a account of Demonstrative Ni. It came out during a moment of rumination/reflection.
not so developed memory so I only remember very significant events from childhood. And the one which always stuck with me was a heartbreak around 15. Never forgot the time alone after the event happened. Always knew it was something significant, a point of no return if you will. Full on crisis of the world seemingly controlled by chaotic events, someone choosing to love others though I want them to recognise my internal love to them. I always had a view that at that night something strange happened (happened to be on holiday and also experimenting with getting drunk)… Now I basically see it as mentally broke down or inferior Se.

I would sit in my bed and enter dissociation sometimes. but the combination of alcohol and dangerously low mood, stress tolerance too much to bear.. caused a cluster of thoughts asking me to make promises never to see that pain again.

After that day I just had regular dialogues in my head at the expense of bonding with people that create chaotic sensory feelings. Before that day I would always include people in my goals but changed, something entered in me as a defender. I became very solo, didn’t stop and managed to cut everything out. Can enter into focus mode from any place in the world, switch goes on and enter into hunting mode.

Kind of a learned behaviour, enter into the zone where anything (objects people) have a shining target which i see and filter. Always happens when facing anything which reminds me of that situation - my needs are highlighted, become painted a special colour to be all I see in the sensory environment (metaphorically). “Kill the bad parts of Se before they get me”