Member Questionnaire 1 (wesleh00)
What is beauty? What is love? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
For me, beauty is something that leaves you with a certain, indistinguishable feeling.
I would have the same answer for love.
If I am being honest, I really don't have any idea either are. I would be lying if I said beauty is this or love is this, it simply just is. Honestly, I think I tried to convince myself at some point that there was a certain, tangible, essence to both of them; but there really isn't. Half the things that I love or are beautiful are the things I expect, the other half I don't expect!
What are your most important values? My IDEAL value is that I am able to say, express, or convey exactly what I think or feel; even if it distasteful or bitter.
Most of the time, I struggle to do this. I have also imagined that even if I feel ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed about "it" it is the truth and nothing but. I have also realized, slowly, that I can still risk saying "this" and do so in a mature and respectful manner; that I can still speak my truth with dignity and grace.
Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place? I am in a weird, suspended state with my belief in God.
My inner-core says "Go for it!" But I still half-outwardly hold a grudge, a thought that is, "I don't want my life to be ruled over by shame from some old man!" I don't want to experience shame for not "living according to his rules."
I like Freud's idea that people need God, they need a father figure to forgive them for their humanity.
Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you? I don't care that much. I think it truly does suck that some people are affected by war but I have never had a similar experience, so it is hard for me to truly empathize with these people. If anything, I find that I can replace my empathy for them with respect for them; respect for their humanity, their life, and their experiences. I can still do this even if I don't understand them.
Power, seeking power, needing power is a symptom of a much deeper complex happening in the unconscious. If you are truly content, you do not need power.
I will still find myself randomly seeking power in different scenarios: video games, when I am studying and my friends and I are all doing the same problem I will try to be first done and to be correct; and if this happens, I feel a funny smirk occurring inside of me that goes "Haha, I beat you!"
What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why? Music, if I find someone with similar taste or that is really interested in hearing my music I could talk about it for hours. Just things I enjoy I would say: anime, guitar, school, a movie, a show, reminiscing with stories.
When I have long conversations with a person or a group of people, I notice a trend in my behavior.
Initially, for a while, I feel that I want to talk about what I want to and that I could care less about what they want to talk about, and I want them to show a lot of interest in my blabbering's. However, after a while, I turn into a great listener, truly interested in their story, passion, hobby, likes and dislikes, empathetic even. I would say it almost "takes me a while to settle in."
NOTE: in the next question, please remember this former paragraph. Honest to God, I don't actually know what I would be interested in talking about, I can't name a topic. More or less, some conversations feel insanely good.
Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body? 1. Nope. (See above or side, whatever direction the former question is)
2. A little more than I used to be. It is very hard for me to tell if I am hungry or not. If I am truly stimulated and in a flow state, I could easily go an entire day without eating and not even feel hungry. I eat more when I am stressed and eat less when I am not stressed.
What do you think of daily chores? I've tried man, I really have, but for the love of God, they are a pain in the ass.
Even making my bed I cannot do consistently.
My solution to this is to follow my impulses. If i have an impulse to clean I clean, I clean. To make my bed, I make my bed. To wash the dishes, I wash the dishes.
My mom and I joke about my use of "agendas" or "planners." They would give us one every year elementary through high school. I would use it maybe 3 times the whole year. And by the end, it would be completely disfigured, covers torn off, and crinkled at the bottom of my backpack, laying in darkness amidst the pencil dust.
Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome. Movies:
A Silent Voice / Koe no Katachi (I don't feel that I can really convince myself I have a favorite movie, but I made a decision to always say this is my favorite one because this one grounds me the most.)
Your Name.
Fireworks
Weathering with You
Shang Chi
Books:
I read all of 'A Series of Unfortunate Events" in my tween years and really enjoyed them. I also liked Maze Runner, the Hobbit. I have a book that is in a similar position to my "favorite movie," but am choosing not to list it because I don't want any of you affecting my experience of it. It is a psychoanalytic book.
What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why? Feeling my experience. I seem to follow a subliminal / unconscious cycle of my emotions in regard to crying. It is that I have my walls up for a while (out of my control, I can literal feel and see it happening in my mind and in my disposition, but am powerless to whatever unconscious entity is driving it), and then (usually) unexpectedly, they will crumble, and I will feel the force of my existence; the pain, the fear, the sadness, the loss. It feels so, so good to cry and to feel sad (NOT DEPRESSED! Depressed = numb). It grounds me, humbles me, and makes me feel connected and empathetic to everyone around me. I even told my therapist recently, "it almost feels like I am a junkie looking for my next hit," aka looking for my next time when I truly cry, anticipating it, waiting for it, trying to trigger it.
I am fearful of crying in front of people because, if they responded empathetically to me, and truly let me be but existed with me while I was crying, I would not stop crying, I would feel sick to my stomach, my eyes would hurt, I would be absolutely hysterical, and I don't want to be seen like that.
Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging? See above! When I am sad, I feel belonging, when I let myself feel the full force of pain and loss and the sadness of my life; I feel grounded, rooted, strong, empathetic.
What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
I admit, I am not the best at taking criticism. Externally, I will remain polite and good mannered, but internally I might start contorting and feeling attacked.
I can be very childishly angry / petty. If someone likes the same thing as me and it is something I feel "emotionally attached to," I will get angry, and be like "I am the only one who can like this, fuck off!" Example: I mentioned the movie "A Silent Voice," which has been seen by millions. If I look up a video relating to it and read a comment like "this movie made me cry so much," etc. then that is when I described above will happen. Trust me, I very acutely pick up on how illogical this reaction is but I can't help it.
It seems a lot of my inner turmoil is being like "this, this, and this makes sense, and even though this makes real world, logical sense and I should do this, I really feel this way instead which goes against all the founded logic." My feelings also change if I am given a better, logical perspective to view them in.
Ex: I will say to my therapist, "I feel x, y, and z; and even though I know this doesn't make sense because a,b,c ..." They will reply "Well, have you thought about this possibility, this possibility, or this possibility." Sometimes I will laugh and go "Wow, I never noticed /thought about it this way before." And then I feel better
. (EDIT: I bolded these because I thought these were good examples of my actual and self-experienced behavior.)
I cannot routinely do anything unless I am required to. The things that I am required to do: go to class, go to work. I cannot stick to a "bedtime routine," "morning routine," "cleaning routine." Or anything.
The only diet I was ever able to sustain (~2 years) was intermittent fasting; and that's only because it affects time and not diet! I could not stick to an actual diet if I wanted to lol.
When people come to me with pain or sadness, I may seem unemotional, unsympathetic, or rigid. What happens (what I see happen in myself), is that I initially have to cut myself off from my / their emotions or else I could get overwhelmed (see previous question about crying in public). This causes me to become stiff / rigid in my intonation to them. After I cut off connection, slowly, it starts to reflow and I can feel for them, very deeply, very emotionally, but I am aware and make sure it does not show that I feel for them (strange, isn't it?), almost like I would be embarrassed to show them I feel for them. Often times, after the interaction, is when I feel their pain or sadness in full force and I truly care for them.
My strengths I would say are my analytic abilities of people. Even the smallest amount of information: the pace at which they say something, the tone of how they say it, the disposition of their body; it is enough to where I can completely compromise their position and understand them in full force.
In what areas of your life would you like help? I need someone that can stimulate be to action and that does so smoothly and naturally, someone that lets me feel my pain, the violent cataclysm of emotions that sometimes swirl up and settle in my eyes and stomach.
I would like help articulating what I feel because I feel very strong emotions but I cannot talk about them very well.
Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it. Yes, I am a person who preserves energy before I expend it (gather->use rather than spend->recharge). The most odd thing is that, when I preserve too much, I get stuck in a rut.
It has been difficult for me to see this, but to get out, I have to expend energy, do things; which is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do in the first place, which was preserve more energy. During the times I am "getting out of a rut," it feel like I am going against my gut. I do not know the causes; my guess would be that it is when I am not allotted time to catch up with my internal state.
My internal state very much dictates whether I can pay attention / not pay attention, study / not study, eat / not eat, etc.
What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with? Someone who is outwardly, the biggest baby ever. Cannot take criticism (even if you can't take it, at least act polite and outwardly with good manners!), erupts when they are criticized (even if it was polite!), and refuses to take even a step past what is outwardly obvious (someone who does not dig a little deeper).
My ex-girlfriends friend made me apologize to her after I criticized her one time when I was in a rightful position (which I figured out after talking to my girlfriend and her other friend who were also there when "this" happened). I was laughing my ass of internally, when we sat down to "make amends," which was pretty much "me apologize to her and let her be like "I was right, I was right, and you're in the wrong."
Thankfully, due to my immaculate framing skills, I was able to get barely a semblance of "I'm sorry," out of her! Ha, take that! And she didn't even know it!
How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner? Sex/Romance: I'm not sure; everything I thought I knew got completely disintegrated in the past 2 years. Currently rebuilding and will let you know in the future.
Qualities: Again, I do not want people to know what things I am emotionally connected or attached to. So someone who lets me bring all of it out without even a hint of judgement, even in their intonation.
If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why? My main concern: Unconsciously narcissistically cathecting them (i.e., viewing them as an extension of myself and not as the center of their own world).
I want to be enough in touch emotionally with myself so that I can provide an environment so that they can explore and build whatever they want to be.
A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction? Like above: I remain rigid, unemotional externally, but can flare up internally. I am very aware of this and am even conscious of what body movements I make, how I speak, and subtleties of human interaction to make sure they don't even get a semblance that I am angry at them / feel attacked.
My only give away is that some people will pick up on a slight coldness which I seem I cannot entirely control.
Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one. People are stupid but also ground me! Fuck you guys; but also, I truly love you all. Thank you for showing me grace even in my most shameful hours. For encouraging me, and connecting with me.
Prevalent social problem: Transgenerational / transferred unconscious trauma.
If I really feel attacked by someone, I can snap back. If the tides are right I snap back with laughter; complete disregard for their entire position because I genuinely think their position is stupid, this has happened maybe 2 or 3 times in my life.
Usually, if I combat someone, it is logically. I.e., your reason / value is completely illogical because x,y,z. I am right because (...). You're wrong because (...). My main line of arguing is disproving someone's initial domain. Like if they make a point about something, I won't attack the specific point but the domain in which they're arguing, in order to nullify their point.
I.e. "Your point is illogical because you're implying x,y,z which is illogical."
I would say I am semi-comfortable with confrontation because usually, I am very logically sound when talking. My biggest fear is somebody comes in with a good logical point, and I get absolutely blown away and my internal state acknowledges their correctness.
Something I also have learned is even though I am good at making points, it doesn't always mean I am necessarily right.
How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them? I couldn't consciously tell you how I choose my friends. It just happens.
I am very funny, goody, energetic, around them. However, I am very awkward with physical touch that has to do with joking about sexual innuendo's.
Most of my friendships have been made by people approaching me; 90% of the time, I don't initiate a relationship, and when I try; I am very clunky and or clumsy and not fluid or graceful. If I do actually initiate a friendship, it is up to the other person to try to make it more of a friendship and less of an acquaintance-ship.
How do you behave around strangers? It's a mixed bag. Sometimes I am really receptive, friendly, outgoing (this is how I am if I am in a "good mood"), other times, I can seem aloof or wide-eyed(I think this is a good word!) where I will say something when I want to and not talk if I don't want to. If I am stressed or tired, I'll have a noticeable but very subtle tinge of coldness and or angst.
If we're in a group setting, I often do not make a formal "Hi nice to meet you" right off the bat (unless the context is in something you do this a lot at, like a party); instead I wait for an opportune moment to do so or I wait until they say something to me.
It is easy for me to maintain professional relationships with people but I cannot smoothly and nonchalantly change that disposition. I often very much am aware of psychological distance but have no idea how to change it, and if I try, it is very forced and (again) clumsy. I would describe my behavior, "not super professional in a professional setting," but being unable to translate it to "not professional in a non-professional setting."
EDIT: I keep editing some things in my answers because I am afraid that I will unconsciously cater to trying to ascertain a specific socio-type. My experience is that I will constantly skim over, and if I read something that seems a little cater-ish, I will try to explore it in more detail as to make my position clearer and less bias as to help you guys. I also keep finding more typos, haha.
Member Questionnaire (wesleh00)
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Originally Posted by Adam Strange
