Adventures in Dating

[Adam Strange]

I'm reposting this from the "thoughts on ESI-LIE Duality" thread, because it also relates to my misadventures in dating.

I've been thinking about my relationships with ESI Duals recently. I know at least 19 ESIs; 8 females and 11 males. Some of those males are very good friends, and some are acquaintances. Some of the women I have dated with serious intentions, and some are just women whom I know.

One of my early experiences with a male ESI friend somehow went wrong and we didn't talk for many years, and then I ran into him in a Kroger store and it was like we were still best buddies.
He seems somehow to be similar to the female ESI that I was dating recently. We started getting close, then she pulled back and I said "Call me when you want to go out again" and she hasn't called me.

On the other hand, I have a male and a female ESI in my life right now who are good friends and I don't see that ever changing.

What the hell is the difference? Is it something I might be able to see before I invest a couple years in a relationship? I think that other people might be able to tell the difference right away, but for some reason, I can't.

The problem, for certain, isn't related to Duality, because that part of the equation is good in all cases.

[End]

I'm reposting this from the "thoughts on ESI-LIE Duality" thread, because it also relates to my misadventures in dating.

I've been thinking about my relationships with ESI Duals recently. I know at least 19 ESIs; 8 females and 11 males. Some of those males are very good friends, and some are acquaintances. Some of the women I have dated with serious intentions, and some are just women whom I know.

One of my early experiences with a male ESI friend somehow went wrong and we didn't talk for many years, and then I ran into him in a Kroger store and it was like we were still best buddies.
He seems somehow to be similar to the female ESI that I was dating recently. We started getting close, then she pulled back and I said "Call me when you want to go out again" and she hasn't called me.

On the other hand, I have a male and a female ESI in my life right now who are good friends and I don't see that ever changing.

What the hell is the difference? Is it something I might be able to see before I invest a couple years in a relationship? I think that other people might be able to tell the difference right away, but for some reason, I can't.

The problem, for certain, isn't related to Duality, because that part of the equation is good in all cases.

You saw this one coming a mile away but I'll say it because the instant I read this you just crystalized a ton of my thoughts into a coherent structure. Like a video game puzzle you've been spending hours trying to figure out while stubbornly refusing to look it up on the net because damnit you're so fucking close and you ain't about to bitch out now and then suddenly the solution hits you and you are both ecstatic you've solved it yet also cursing yourself for not seeing the solution sooner because it was so fucking simple!

Yeah, it's attachment issues and I can tell you I've felt the exact same way. Looking back on it all I literally lost my virginity to an SEE (or was she an LSI, it really is a coin flip thinking back) in an ONS that, had I knew then what I know now I'd probably be happily married to her with the big family I dream of (and not have engaged in an ONS) as I would have seen that she was both my dual and her issues weren't crippling (i.e. she wasn't "lost" at the time). I could have put in the effort and been happy with her. Yet sadly that time has now passed and she has now become one of the lost. This is a regret I'll now carry with me forever. I failed to save a soul I obviously could have had I possessed/analyzed more pertinent data. I guess this is why I'm now so obsessed with gathering data with pretty much every post. That loss/failure haunts me to this day. I needed more data and I lacked it at a critical moment years ago and the outcome of that was disastrous.

I've said it time and again after acquiring this final piece of the puzzle I've spent the last 20 years figuring out. It really does all come down to attachment. Duality won't fix a subconscious belief on either end that you're fundamentally an unlovable piece of shit and even if conflictors hate each other's guts theoretically the relationship they'll have as two individuals who have "secure" attachment styles will still be better than all the others they could have if the other partner isn't also possessing that same style. An ESE with an ILI who both have secure attachment styles will do a better job at being a good couple than an LII/ESE pair who has major attachment issues. It won't be anything resembling ideal conditions but at least they'll try to work it out and they both know for sure that the other person truly loves them and won't ever abandon them...