Adventures in Dating

[Adam Strange]

I've been kind of dating this Dual woman for a year and a half and we get along pretty well. Almost exactly as Duals are described as getting along. However, she texted me a week ago and said she isn't ready for a relationship.

What the fuck?

There is this set of behaviors in Attachment Theory in which a person needs to connect with someone, but the closer they get to the other person in the relationship, the more panicked the first person gets at the possibility of the other person leaving them. These people are called Fearful Avoidants, and I think this woman has it.

Their behaviors often result in the other person leaving them, which only confirms what they were expecting would happen all along. Even though they, themselves, caused the breakup.

It's pretty fucked up, let me tell you.

[MissDucki]

I've been kind of dating this Dual woman for a year and a half and we get along pretty well. Almost exactly as Duals are described as getting along. However, she texted me a week ago and said she isn't ready for a relationship.

What the fuck?

There is this set of behaviors in Attachment Theory in which a person needs to connect with someone, but the closer they get to the other person in the relationship, the more panicked the first person gets at the possibility of the other person leaving them. These people are called Fearful Avoidants, and I think this woman has it.

Their behaviors often result in the other person leaving them, which only confirms what they were expecting would happen all along. Even though they, themselves, caused the breakup.

It's pretty fucked up, let me tell you.

Yeah, sadly that is what happens with some people and their own attachment issues. I honestly kind of relate to her because those feelings can/do flare up for me in that regard. However, I’m also and adult and need to take my own issues in my own hands. I still always try and show up and be there even if I’m scared shitless. Even if you struggle with attachment issues, you need to be honest and try to be better. Not just for the other person that you like but to have genuine connection.

I dated an avoidant attachment. He was the first person I ever really like and cared for very deeply. It ended up triggering my own attachment issues and it has seriously made me look at my own stuff. It was a hard breakup for me (first genuine breakup) and it fucked me up for awhile. I don’t want to date someone like that ever again unless they are working on themselves. Besides, I’ve read a lot about attachment theory and a lot of avoidant a really do abandon their spouses in serious times of need and I don’t want that in a partner. It’s hard but keeping an eye out and how our own attachment issues cloud our vision in choosing a partner is eye opening.

[Adam Strange]

Yeah, sadly that is what happens with some people and their own attachment issues. I honestly kind of relate to her because those feelings can/do flare up for me in that regard. However, I’m also and adult and need to take my own issues in my own hands. I still always try and show up and be there even if I’m scared shitless. Even if you struggle with attachment issues, you need to be honest and try to be better. Not just for the other person that you like but to have genuine connection.

I dated an avoidant attachment. He was the first person I ever really like and cared for very deeply. It ended up triggering my own attachment issues and it has seriously made me look at my own stuff. It was a hard breakup for me (first genuine breakup) and it fucked me up for awhile. I don’t want to date someone like that ever again unless they are working on themselves. Besides, I’ve read a lot about attachment theory and a lot of avoidant a really do abandon their spouses in serious times of need and I don’t want that in a partner. It’s hard but keeping an eye out and how our own attachment issues cloud our vision in choosing a partner is eye opening.

@MissDucki, this woman is an ESI-Fi e6 but when I met her, I really wasn’t sure if she was ESI or SEI. She’s been married twice and both marriages ended badly.

I also know an ESI-Se e6w7 CP who is a lesbian and goes through partners pretty quickly. I wonder if this failure to connect is related to feeling-doms and e6’s?

E6: the Loyal Skeptic. The Doubter.

This is actually how I recognize e6’s. They want to be in a relationship and will often tell you that immediately, but after that initial rush, it’s always “Oh, yeah? You’ve been steadfastly by my side and you say you love me. Well, I don’t believe you, buster.”

This is going to sound fairly fucked up, but I’m beginning to believe that the best way for an e8 to live with an e6 is to just be there for them, use them for sex, and not pressure them to like you.
IDK. I think I suck at this relationship stuff.

[MissDucki]

E6: the Loyal Skeptic. The Doubter.

This is actually how I recognize e6’s. They want to be in a relationship and will often tell you that immediately, but after that initial rush, it’s always “Oh, yeah? You’ve been steadfastly by my side and you say you love me. Well, I don’t believe you, buster.”

This is going to sound fairly fucked up, but I’m beginning to believe that the best way for an e8 to live with an e6 is to just be there for them, use them for sex, and not pressure them to like you.
IDK. I think I suck at this relationship stuff.

@Adam Strange, you honestly don’t seem that bad at relationships. You are just approaching them from a very logical perspective. It’s kinda sweet but also kinda jarring at the same time sometimes lol! I honestly think you just need the right Fi Dom and genuine ESI that is in there for the long haul. I think she would find you quite sweet. I have a little soft spot for you at times cause you really remind me of my duals so I feel a bit protective in that instance.

I will be blunt, I have done that. I don’t like many men as a type 6 but I will let you know always that I want you if I do. I can be straightforward in that. I also do really relate about fearing the steadfastness. When your oriented to deal with the fires, you get nervous when you see no fires lol. Honestly, when I feel this way. I wish the men would do something a bit over the top to show his feelings for me. That puts me at ease that he’s invested and that it’s not just for bullshit. Like taking to me a really nice dinner or getting something really personal. I feel like if they do that, then I know it’s not “bullshit” so to speak. Weird, I know. Just, that seems to put me ease and chill out. It’s like seeing a good fire instead of no fire at all and that’s worse.

[Adam Strange]

@Adam Strange, you honestly don’t seem that bad at relationships. You are just approaching them from a very logical perspective. It’s kinda sweet but also kinda jarring at the same time sometimes lol! I honestly think you just need the right Fi Dom and genuine ESI that is in there for the long haul. I think she would find you quite sweet. I have a little soft spot for you at times cause you really remind me of my duals so I feel a bit protective in that instance. I will be blunt, I have done that. I don’t like many men as a type 6 but I will let you know always that I want you if I do. I can be straightforward in that. I also do really relate about fearing the steadfastness. When your oriented to deal with the fires, you get nervous when you see no fires lol. Honestly, when I feel this way. I wish the men would do something a bit over the top to show his feelings for me. That puts me at ease that he’s invested and that it’s not just for bullshit. Like taking to me a really nice dinner or getting something really personal. I feel like if they do that, then I know it’s not “bullshit” so to speak. Weird, I know. Just, that seems to put me ease and chill out. It’s like seeing a good fire instead of no fire at all and that’s worse.

@MissDucki, you might be a little more emotionally advanced than most of the e6 women I’ve dated. With them, I do take them out. Then they become unavailable while still texting me. WTF?

I’ve taken the e6w7 lesbian ESI-Se out to eat several times. At first, she was terrified but was totally covering it. Then, she was visibly cautious. Most recently, she only wanted to take the food to a park to eat, because she wouldn’t run into anyone she knows there. Lol. She seems to be happiest when she and I are just eating takeout on my front steps. And she’s the most emotionally healthy ESI I know.

Of course, she did say that she and I are age-inappropriate. And we are. But she’s the one who is jumping to conclusions here.

[MissDucki]

@MissDucki, you might be a little more emotionally advanced than most of the e6 women I’ve dated. With them, I do take them out. Then they become unavailable while still texting me. WTF?I’ve taken the e6w7 lesbian ESI-Se out to eat several times. At first, she was terrified but was totally covering it. Then, she was visibly cautious. Most recently, she only wanted to take the food to a park to eat, because she wouldn’t run into anyone she knows there. Lol. And she’s the most emotionally healthy ESI I know.Of course, she did say that she and I are age-inappropriate. And we are. But she’s the one who is jumping to conclusions here.

Yes and no..LOL! Lots of people have told me that but I refuse to believe it cause I’m still and dumb and immature with my feelings and actions at times. Im still 23 and I haven’t had that much experience with relationships and dating. I’m just more conscious and sensitive about playing bullshit so I know when/if I do it. I really don’t like it when I do and I know there will never be a true excuse to justify it for myself. Be honest about your short-coming and put your best foot forward! Even if your dealing with all your demons


6’s will always jump to conclusions. If you want to end it quicker, entertain it. When people don’t, I freak out more. When you entertain it, they kinda realize it was silly and chill out quicker. Most of the time it is. That or just reassure your own perspective. I can understand why it’s annoying for others a times. Just, fear makes you wack lol

[lkdhf qkb]

I will be blunt, I have done that. I don’t like many men as a type 6 but I will let you know always that I want you if I do. I can be straightforward in that. I also do really relate about fearing the steadfastness. When your oriented to deal with the fires, you get nervous when you see no fires lol. Honestly, when I feel this way. I wish the men would do something a bit over the top to show his feelings for me. That puts me at ease that he’s invested and that it’s not just for bullshit. Like taking to me a really nice dinner or getting something really personal. I feel like if they do that, then I know it’s not “bullshit” so to speak. Weird, I know. Just, that seems to put me ease and chill out. It’s like seeing a good fire instead of no fire at all and that’s worse.

You really pinpointed something that I couldn't put into words for a long time, about the feelings I've been having. It's like a ball of fear that rises in the gut when the relationship is on autopilot, which makes me act out and doubt the whole relationship. For my past partners it has been complicated to understand that my need for reassurance is constant. I find it hard to discern when 'everything is fine', so even when it's clear to others need it "told" to me. I've been working on self-soothing and that helps tho.

[Rebelondeck]

I've been kind of dating this Dual woman for a year and a half and we get along pretty well. Almost exactly as Duals are described as getting along. However, she texted me a week ago and said she isn't ready for a relationship........

ESIs usually have already found alternate relationships and tested them somewhat before they make such announcements. They tend to think about leaving months/years before but often don't thoroughly investigate the ship into which they're jumping. Many want out of their ho-hum lives and are good a blaming others for their plights but often don't look very far down the road. I've met a few who've gone from the pan to the fire.

a.k.a. I/O

[Adam Strange]

ESIs usually have already found alternate relationships and tested them somewhat before they make such announcements. They tend to think about leaving months/years before but often don't thoroughly investigate the ship into which they're jumping. Many want out of their ho-hum lives and are good a blaming others for their plights but often don't look very far down the road. I've met a few who've gone from the pan to the fire.

a.k.a. I/O

I think I tend to loosely commit to an exclusive relationship until it either goes full-on or full-off, so I can understand the mindset of a Dual who wants to keep her options open.

This is not an ideal approach to relationships, though, and it would seriously worry me if it weren’t for the fact that I was in a fully-committed relationship (at least, from my perspective) for many years.

I did it once, I can do it again with the right person.

[Adam Strange]

This woman on Match “liked” me.

She’s eighteen years younger than me, has a graduate degree and is a lawyer.

She sent me a greeting; “Hi.” Brief and noncommittal.

She’s obviously an ESI e9.