Adventures in Dating

[Kim]

Yeah, it's interesting. Tinder led to some major changes in my life after meeting an IEE there 7 years ago. She lived across the sea in the neighboring country (only 80km as the crow flies, but inconvenient ferry schedules). After just a couple of months of dating weekends (driving 10 hours one way, it did give some more hours there than taking the ferry), I left my job and life in the old country behind and moved together with her. One year later our daughter was born. That's when the problems started, neither of us wanted to compromise our freedom and free time and a lot of arguments started, turning into coldness from my side and bluntness from her side. After 3 years, I had enough after a cold patch and wanted to end the relationship (at some level I think I just wanted her to show me that she really wanted to be with me, and not just in words). She moved back to her old hometown 5 hours drive away, but I pretty much immediately found myself driving every single weekend and vacations to her and our child. After 4 years and countless of kilometers driven, I've now found a new job up here and moved into a rented apartment in the same village she lives in.

It's been one hell of an adventure and I don't know how it will end. But it seems like it became something I just wasn't able to let go of, unlike other relationships in my life. So I don't know, it was super great and easy immediately but then some major difficulties appeared. However compared to the other relationships she has had, this is the most enduring one, and the same goes for me if you factor in all the obstacles. But maybe it's the super-ego ITR.

This sounds very complicated, but it seems like the adjustments are working out fine? Are you back together?

[Kim]

yeah I have to remind myself to swipe right/ like both hotties as well as people who look nice-ish. If one is really serious about meeting someone, and doesn't want to wait too long, it's important to look out for hidden gems. The hot ones are distracting and the interesting ones can be a complete waste of time.

Yes, that's what I did. I swiped right on people who I was mildly to very attracted to or, if I didn't find them super attractive, whose profile text appealed. I went on dates with all types over 10 years. When I saw my now-husband's profile, he fell into the "too hot AND great profile text so won't go anywhere because he will have a million matches" category. But I swiped anyway and we matched. We started chatting and he was so nice, so I thought "I am not that lucky, but we can be friends maybe" (we had both JUST moved into the city and were also looking for friends). We had our first date (I was not even nervous because I was convinced it would be just friendly), he was even more gorgeous, nice and charming in person. It was the best date of my life, more followed and now we are married.

I will say though that I EARNED this after ABYSMAL dating experiences over a DECADE!

But yeah, don't count out the hot ones.

[Kim]

I just started using Tinder after an SLE suggested I do on a sort of date. And now I’m taking to what feels like an SLE who grew up in my area. Yay Tinder

I think Tinder is by far the best dating app, also because people seems to be much more willing to actually meet.

[Northstar]

This sounds very complicated, but it seems like the adjustments are working out fine? Are you back together?

There were a lot of lessons to learn, and unfortunately the hard way. But yes, it looks like that's going to happen.

[Northstar]

1510187[/URL]]Did it start to work its way again before or after the issue with the house?

Before

[Armitage]

I think Tinder is by far the best dating app, also because people seems to be much more willing to actually meet.

Hinge and Bumble focus more on personality than Tinder, in my experience. On Hinge you have to come up with something to say to the person, in order to like them, which culls all those people who are liking everyone on Tinder just to date the hottest person who they match with.

[End]

I think Tinder is by far the best dating app, also because people seems to be much more willing to actually meet.

Oh my good lord you've set me off so hard it hurts. "Best" dating app? Tinder? Please do not even get me started on this one. Tinder (and its lookalikes like Grindr) are all about "Hook-Up" culture. That is, people who have deep attachment issues and who also have no idea what I'm referring to when I say those words.

Willing to meet? Who? A total fucking stranger? Yeah, that's about it. ONS is as far as that goes at best. At worst? You both mistake that ONS as a "deep" emotional connection. It is not and will never be.

Tinder dates are implicitly ONS's. The two of you are so utterly broken that you think that's just how it is. The woman found someone who valued her "sexy" body enough to overlook her glaring character flaws. The male found some dumb broad that was actually willing to give him the vaginal approval he so desperately desired. Everyone wins!

Well, no they don't. Hell I'll wager you a bet. Try to go on a Tinder date and attempt to nab a peek at their I.D. I'll wager a vital body part that if you somehow succeed their "name" will not match. Only do this if you're feeling rather lucky enough to win the lotto however. I dare not goad anyone of any type into doing something this friggin' risky.

Seriously, don't do this. I really mean that. Yet if you wish to provide me with this data point regardless despite my warnings...

[FreelancePoliceman]

Willing to meet? Who? A total fucking stranger? Yeah, that's about it. ONS is as far as that goes at best. At worst? You both mistake that ONS as a "deep" emotional connection. It is not and will never be.

You don't think ONS can produce deep emotional connections? Why not?

[Bethanyclaire]

I have no idea if Tinder will prove any better than other apps. My first impression is that it feels quicker to use (literally quicker to look through profiles) and people seem slightly more attractive/interesting. There seem to be more quirky/ outgoing people there than on hinge/bumble. The other apps seem to have more of a pretence of being classy but they’re just as gross, possibly worse. I think I’d rather use the app that doesn’t pretend to be something better than it is.

[Adam Strange]

Yesterday, my last LSI GF called me twice and left messages, which I didn’t read. She is like a powerful drug that I don’t want to start using again. Parts of our relationship were just the best, and other parts were the worst. I tried to point her towards a Dual so she’d have best and best, but apparently, she hasn’t been able to make sense of the situation and move on.

I remember that my last ESI GF said that her first SEE husband was a drug addict and her second LSI husband betrayed her trust and her shrink said that her “man radar” was really off. She told me that it was off so much, that she didn’t think she could ever be in a relationship again.

Relationships are hard. Especially if you are flying without a flight plan.

Socionics might not be the best, or only, criterion for dating, but I think it can seriously reduce some of the worst heartaches.

[Bethanyclaire]

Socionics might not be the best, or only, criterion for dating, but I think it can seriously reduce some of the worst heartaches.

yep it’s really useful if it’s used in a healthy way..once you learn from the mistakes of misusing it. And the Adventures in dating thread is cool tooo

[Kim]

Oh my good lord you've set me off so hard it hurts. "Best" dating app? Tinder? Please do not even get me started on this one. Tinder (and its lookalikes like Grindr) are all about "Hook-Up" culture. That is, people who have deep attachment issues and who also have no idea what I'm referring to when I say those words.

Willing to meet? Who? A total fucking stranger? Yeah, that's about it. ONS is as far as that goes at best. At worst? You both mistake that ONS as a "deep" emotional connection. It is not and will never be.

Tinder dates are implicitly ONS's. The two of you are so utterly broken that you think that's just how it is. The woman found someone who valued her "sexy" body enough to overlook her glaring character flaws. The male found some dumb broad that was actually willing to give him the vaginal approval he so desperately desired. Everyone wins!

Well, no they don't. Hell I'll wager you a bet. Try to go on a Tinder date and attempt to nab a peek at their I.D. I'll wager a vital body part that if you somehow succeed their "name" will not match. Only do this if you're feeling rather lucky enough to win the lotto however. I dare not goad anyone of any type into doing something this friggin' risky.

Seriously, don't do this. I really mean that. Yet if you wish to provide me with this data point regardless despite my warnings...

Your warning is a bit too late. I had lots of Tinder dates with no intention to hook up. I put that in my profile and told people before a date that I am not looking to hook up. The majority of my dates were pleasant, some lead to dating. Sure I met some creeps, but so what? You can meet creeps at the supermarket, too. Women at the club can also give you a fake name.

Tinder used to be a hook-up date, but it's not anymore. People who want to hook up say so and you just swipe left on them. I have several good friends now who I met on Tinder (and never slept with).

Maybe it's how you use it. It worked well for me.

[Adam Strange]

Your warning is a bit too late. I had lots of Tinder dates with no intention to hook up. I put that in my profile and told people before a date that I am not looking to hook up. The majority of my dates were pleasant, some lead to dating. Sure I met some creeps, but so what? You can meet creeps at the supermarket, too. Women at the club can also give you a fake name.

Tinder used to be a hook-up date, but it's not anymore. People who want to hook up say so and you just swipe left on them. I have several good friends now who I met on Tinder (and never slept with).

Maybe it's how you use it. It worked well for me.

All these dating sites are just a way to meet more people. What you do when you meet them is up to you.

[Kim]

This is consoling to read, because it means that I still have 5 years left: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1309...f-in-ten-years

I think the alternative (becoming a crazy dog person) is pretty appealing, too. I was well on my way there and not too sad about it.

[Kim]

All these dating sites are just a way to meet more people. What you do when you meet them is up to you.

Exactly. My strategies were to make it clear I don't want to chat forever, that I am not looking for a hook-up, always meet for dinner on the first date so we can have a conversation (I lived in a very small town at the time with one decent restaurant in town. I am sure they thought I was an escort...), and weed out the ones who refuse to let me try their food or don't want to order desert after I told them I love desert. Also don't drink and always drive myself home. Weed out the ones who don't ask you to text them to let them know if you got home safely (especially when you have to drive long-ish distance). Weed out the ones who offer use of sex machines, whose accents don't match their life stories (granted those are my best dating stories).

[Kim]

I have no idea if Tinder will prove any better than other apps. My first impression is that it feels quicker to use (literally quicker to look through profiles) and people seem slightly more attractive/interesting. There seem to be more quirky/ outgoing people there than on hinge/bumble. The other apps seem to have more of a pretence of being classy but they’re just as gross, possibly worse. I think I’d rather use the app that doesn’t pretend to be something better than it is.

I think Tinder is also the most popular one, so more people to chose from? I totally agree on the classy pretense. It's just silly.

[Armitage]

Well, no they don't. Hell I'll wager you a bet. Try to go on a Tinder date and attempt to nab a peek at their I.D. I'll wager a vital body part that if you somehow succeed their "name" will not match. Only do this if you're feeling rather lucky enough to win the lotto however. I dare not goad anyone of any type into doing something this friggin' risky.

Seriously, don't do this. I really mean that. Yet if you wish to provide me with this data point regardless despite my warnings...

We both know that you're trying to tempt people to follow your scheme, despite the risks inherent to it, while you try to claim the moral high ground through plausible deniability. Either be forthright about your motivations or don't mention it all is my advice, but this middleground seems inauthentic and fake. I didn't mince my words, because I know that you can handle it.

[Adam Strange]

I was walking through the packed dirt-and-gravel parking lot of the Salvation Army store next to the railroad tracks, to buy lunch at the little specialty grocery nearby, when I saw a twenty-something woman standing outside, next to a shopping cart with a cardboard box in it.

Since my path crossed right next to where she was standing, we made eye contact as I approached and she said "Hi".
I said "Hi" in return, and since I was still approaching her and walking past her in silence would be awkward, I made a circle to maintain a stranger's distance and then stopped out of decency and asked her if the Salvation Army store still had clothes arranged by color?

She laughed and said "They do!" and I told her that I hadn't been in there since they opened, but they seemed to have a lot of stuff in there.

She said "You can get a lot of great deals in there. Some of this is new, some has only been worn once." She pulled what looked like a Cashmere sweater out of the box.
"This looks like it is brand new. It would be over $100 new, and I got it for..." here, she showed me the price tag on the sweater "....ten dollars. You can find some great deals here."
"Nice."
"My ex wife, who was 5'8" and weighed 115 lbs, gave away a beautiful white silk dress to St. Vincent De Paul when she gained a few pounds, so I know about people getting rid of stuff that's barely been worn."
She, herself, was dressed very simply and plainly, but you can always use a cashmere sweater. They are very warm. I've had one or two.
I was watching her closely to try to assess which sociotype she was. She was easy to talk to and generally pleasant, but I couldn't decide between ESI and ESE. This might seem strange, but for some reason, and with some people, I have a hard time telling these two types apart in a short time. With more exposure, it becomes obvious, but we were standing in a parking lot.

"Sometimes", she continued, "something is only missing a button."
"I haven't sewn a button on a shirt since college. If I lose a button, I have to throw the shirt away."
"I have a seamstress for that."
"Really? What's her name?"
"Olga", and she told me where Olga's shop was. Which was great! A resource. I have two shirts that are missing buttons but I haven't thrown them out yet.

"Do you shop here often?", I asked.
"Oh, no. I actually hate to shop. But I have two little boys..." I glanced at her left hand, which had no wedding ring "....and they are messy." She rubbed her hands up and down the front of her clothes.
"Two little boys. So messy. They do art projects and get paint all over me, and food." I pictured two little kids making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
"I solved the food preparation problem by eating most of my meals out", I said.
"We mostly get carry out. I just got a new job that doubled my income, but buying new clothes is expensive, which is why I shop here. My name is Carrie, incidentally. What's yours?"
"Hi, Carrie. My name is Adam, It's nice to meet you, but I should get lunch while there's still a selection left." I nodded towards the little store across the tracks.
"Yes, you should. I'm just waiting for my ride." She waved her hand and looked around.
"It was nice meeting you."
"Nice meeting you, too." And off I went. For some reason, I could feel her eyes on my back as I walked across the tracks.

When I got my lunch and returned, she was gone.

A lot of very specific information exchanged hands in that short amount of time. She's trying hard, really hard. With two little boys, I can understand why.

[Bethanyclaire]

SEE/SLE are pretty annoying people to talk to on apps. Unless you shower them in attention, they don’t understand that it takes two people to move a conversation along. Ewewew. Better put my fake nice hat on. Then they just find that weird. Silly people. I’m not great at small talk but at least I try :/

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

SEE/SLE are pretty annoying people to talk to on apps. Unless you shower them in attention, they don’t understand that it takes two people to move a conversation along. Ewewew. Better put my fake nice hat on. Then they just find that weird. Silly people. I’m not great at small talk but at least I try :/

TRUE AND xSEs ARE THE SAME "))))

[Bethanyclaire]

TRUE AND xSEs ARE THE SAME "))))

Interesting….I actually used to find it easier talking to people on apps. Two things have changed: I had some bad experiences..and I am now more committed to the idea of dating. So I have my guard up a bit too much I think, it feels real/scary. Need to relax a bit coz I’ve learned the hard lessons now..Actually an SLE told me to ‘have more fun with it’..

[Bethanyclaire]

I know, right?! I can empathize with not actually being certain of what you want and with not wanting to hurt another person or burn any unnecessary bridges. But it sure makes it easier to receive when there's both a balance of grace and honesty. Like even a "I just don't think we're a good match" might be annoyingly vague for anyone who wants to improve, but it's more honest than other things.




You are not these men. I'm fairly sure both are Alpha SFs, one SEI and the other ESE.

After I got married, the ESE went and married a woman who looks a lot like me but who might be LII, though I haven't interacted with her enough to be confident in that. Her wedding dress was almost identical to mine, heh. The SEI is currently single, possibly forever; I think he might be giving up on romance, which is a shame because I think if he pulled himself together a little he'd be a great partner.

I will advise you this: please be sure to be clear with your EII secretary that you're hanging out with her because you like her company as a platonic friend and you still have no interest in any sort of romance. Perhaps even offer to stop hanging out if it gets too confusing to her. And maybe bring it up every so often, especially if she gets flirty. I know you mean no harm but this kind of thing can really hurt.


----------------------------------

[wall of text incoming:]

Thinking more about it, while both were hurtful, it was the SEI who triggered the most anger in me, while the ESE was more... disappointing. The SEI I more or less figured out (in terms of what the pattern is, not his solution per se or what precisely led to his hangups); the ESE still confuses me.



With the SEI, I eventually figured out I was part of a pattern of him getting infatuated with a woman, being very friendly and preferentially chummy, but avoiding any sort of commitment or purpose. "Let's just see where things go" that went nowhere. That had led to a LOT of hurt women, including quite a few in our mutual friends' circles. After he officially rejected me then shortly after started officially dating another woman (who he said "forced" him to do it or she would stop hanging out with him), he had the gall to restart flirting with me and tell me that I was "very special" to him. I got SUPER angry at that, lost my attraction to him, and basically cut him off for a couple of years. He went on to hurt another mutual friend and now seems to have given up on relationships.

Now that I'm married, I'm slowly letting him back at amicable arms length - in part because he's a friend of my husband (they knew each other before me) and he's pretty lonely what with COVID divisions and his inability to forge lasting relationships. My husband knows all about the whole story and is ok with how things are and with continuing to invite him to group things.

SEIs are a mystery to me too. I had my own very bad experience. One of the first things he said when we met were that his mates were all arseholes to women…and he himself projected an image of being saintly. It’s as if he thought acting like a gentleman at moments completely made up for him being a jerk the rest of the time. I gave him several chances to prove he could stop flirting and playing mind games with me. In the end I had to physically remove myself from him, like I was escaping an abusive relationship. When we first met he flirted, then he became disgusted/cool with me after I told him I liked him, then later he tried to be nice but by this point he couldn’t even be nice if he tried, he was not in control anymore and it was clear there was something between us whether he liked it or not. To this day I doubt he can see how out of control he was, I think there was some identity blurring between us, and I don’t think he was seeing reality as it was. He probably just thinks he ‘saw me as a friend’. I think this is partly as we are look-a-likes so there can be a bit of an underlying friend feeling, but it’s also I think something that comes and goes. Also, I think though we had incredible chemistry, he was more confident and successful than me, and my flaws were probably a bit of a turn off lol.

I think SEIs are probably quite sensitive to the different feel of people’s sociotypes. I could see them judging people quickly, or over-estimating people based on first impressions. I imagine with me, he just knew it wasn’t as good as say a semi-dual. He told me ‘never going to happen’, it’s like he knew it wasn’t good enough, there was better. I could see them easily being infatuated with types that are easier to talk to- mirrors or activity partners.

I once worked with another SEI for a year. He was a really nice person, we were instantly good friends. He had a long term gf but an ESE later told me that he had a crush on me and liked me more than his gf but didn’t think I’d like him. Perhaps it was just a convo between them, ‘thinking out loud’…but it’s something I can picture an SEI doing…having crazy thoughts about leaving their life partner…and then changing their mind completely the next day.

I also knew an SEI and EII who were together for 4 years during uni. I remember when they broke up she told me he told her ‘I never loved you’. At the time I thought maybe he didn’t, now I just think oh typical of an SEI to say. I honestly think they would change their opinion of their idea or what love is day to day, month to month, year to year. All
this said, they are my fave type (I still think the SEI who hurt me is a lovely person..I think) and I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in a relationship with one at some point. I dislike the line in socionics literature that says lookalikes don’t value each other highly. I think the highs of lookalike interaction with SEIs are probably worth the lows. But I’d like to date a semi-dual too.

what is it about SEIs lol

fortunately I haven’t had any issues with ESE males, I don’t seem to come across them much..

edit: I would like to add that I have a female SEI friend who is not like any of the above at all. When she talks about her love for her partner it is with a deep reverence. She is more the type to be messed about rather than doing the messing about.

[Adam Strange]

Have you seen the movie “50 First Dates”?

If so, then you know what it’s like to date an ESI.

[Adam Strange]

A bunch of people met up after the meeting at a restaurant, and we sat around a big table, eating, talking, and getting to know each other.
Amidst the din, I could hear the ESI talking to her companion:
ESI: Of all the people here, I like him the best.
Companion: Bzzz bzzz bzzz. Bzzzzz.
ESI: He’s not wearing a ring.
Companion: Bzzz bzzzz.
ESI: I wouldn’t have to work hard.


Now I know what it’s like to have big tits.

[Armitage]

Actually an SLE told me to ‘have more fun with it’..

You should just do you, regardless of what someone tells you to do, because only friends and family members are close enough to you to trust their advice.
When applying this directly, it would mean that you should take my advice to not trust advice with a grain of salt, so if you abide by it, you would have to ignore my advice to follow it, and if you ignore my advice you should then take advice from strangers, which would mean that you would follow my advice... And the cycle continues. ERROR: The primary data loop has exceeded the maximum number of iterations. SHUTting down... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JR4H76SCCzY

[Bethanyclaire]

@Armitage Haha I don’t think I’ll be rushing to talk to that particular SLE again. I honestly don’t feel good after dates with random SLEs who I don’t fancy. I get a sort of unclean feeling. However, it is important to me be in a good mood, and an SLE telling me to be more positive does seem to uplift me somehow. I am actually feeling in a much better mood these days. I had some disappointment about a date that never happened recently, but I ate some ice cream and didn’t get too down about it. And I am free from the SEI boy and it’s spring time and I feel confident in my socionics knowledge rather than entrapped by it, I feel open-minded. But I do hope one of two people I’m talking to end up liking me..

[Bethanyclaire]

@Armitage @Adam Strange ESIs are rather strange creatures to me, I’ve been thinking about them recently. What I like about them, and other IJs is that when they talk to you they do seem to focus all their attention on you. I’m enjoying talking to ESIs atm, about work politics and also, men. They are ESI-se colleagues of mine. It did take a while to warm to each other, at first I would have a feeling of ‘I don’t know how to start a convo with you’, now I don’t worry so much and just wait til it’s the right moment.

[Bethanyclaire]

sorry if I should put this in a new thread..do you guys ever tell your dates about socionics? I told an SLE about it recently, he lives super far from me so there wasn't much of a chance of anything happening but it kind of just came up in convo. He seemed quite interested in it but kept saying he hadn't had time to read about it. Another guy who I think is SLE kinda pissed me off last week. He seemed super keen at first and then disappeared. We live like half a mile from each other so I really wanted to go on a date with him lol. I get this crazy urge to just tell him about socionics. I probably won't, at least not for ages. He looks a bit intimidating so it could truly backfire on me lol. I've had quite enough of SLE misbehaviour... Maybe his sixth sense is better than mine and he just knows we don't suit..

[Beautiful sky]

ESI coworker stuck in a codependent relationship with a cheating SEE and 6 kids between them and struggling

[Adam Strange]

sorry if I should put this in a new thread..do you guys ever tell your dates about socionics? I told an SLE about it recently, he lives super far from me so there wasn't much of a chance of anything happening but it kind of just came up in convo. He seemed quite interested in it but kept saying he hadn't had time to read about it. Another guy who I think is SLE kinda pissed me off last week. He seemed super keen at first and then disappeared. We live like half a mile from each other so I really wanted to go on a date with him lol. I get this crazy urge to just tell him about socionics. I probably won't, at least not for ages. He looks a bit intimidating so it could truly backfire on me lol. I've had quite enough of SLE misbehaviour... Maybe his sixth sense is better than mine and he just knows we don't suit..

I told my LSI GF about Socionics around the fifth date or so. Because Socionics said that she and I were not “Duals”, she hated it and persistently tried to debunk it.

I told an IEI about it and she didn’t believe me but was diplomatic about it.

I told an ESI-Se about Socionics and she told me she hated the whole idea about it because she doesn’t think people can be put into boxes.

I told an ESI-Fi about it, and she didn’t hear a word I said, because she has her own way of categorizing people. She has her Fi, which is the moon and the stars.

All in all, trying to ripen a field before that field has any reason to ripen is a losing game.

So now, I tend only to use Socionics to my own advantage, and I let other people manage as best they can.

One of the most resonant phrases that I’ve ever heard is “I could help these people, but I don’t want to.”
I laughed out loud when I heard that, because it openly states what I usually feel.
But in regards to sharing the knowledge of Socionics, I can say “I tried to help these people but they didn’t want help.”

C’est la vie.

[Bethanyclaire]

I told my LSI GF about Socionics around the fifth date or so. Because Socionics said that she and I were not “Duals”, she hated it and persistently tried to debunk it.

this is so cute of the LSI

I told an ESI-Se about Socionics and she told me she hated the whole idea about it because she doesn’t think people can be put into boxes.

aw. It's taken me a long time to get used to that aspect of it. You kinda get over it in the end right..

I told an ESI-Fi about it, and she didn’t hear a word I said, because she has her own way of categorizing people.

This sounds so ESI-fi. I like it..too good for socionics

All in all, trying to ripen a field before that field has any reason to ripen is a losing game.

yeah duals have a weird enough effect on me as it is..without giving them more reason to mess me about

So now, I tend only to use Socionics to my own advantage, and I let other people manage as best they can.

One of the most resonant phrases that I’ve ever heard is “I could help these people, but I don’t want to.”
I laughed out loud when I heard that, because it openly states what I usually feel.
But in regards to sharing the knowledge of Socionics, I can say “I tried to help these people but they didn’t want help.”

C’est la vie.

haha I get this evil feeling sometimes because I haven't told people about socionics...I can't tell everyone :/ I can't tell my whole work place lol. I have told close friends/ my sister.

[Bethanyclaire]

I am tempted to message a guy I went on a couple of dates with a year or so ago. He is a dual. At the time I wasn’t sure if I liked him. He is from the other side of the world so his background was quite different to mine. On our dates we had some awkward moments- I remember eating something really awkwardly/ clumsily and I remember him dancing really awkwardly. Unlike other duals he didn’t make me feel like he wanted to pounce on me lol. I worry a bit about dating people who come from somewhere far away as I don’t wanna leave where I live ever and they might want to move nearer to their home. Also, he may be with someone now. Considering messaging him but coz he’s a dual I get a bit scared for some reason, they just spin my head a bit.

[Adam Strange]

I am tempted to message a guy I went on a couple of dates with a year or so ago. He is a dual. At the time I wasn’t sure if I liked him. He is from the other side of the world so his background was quite different to mine. On our dates we had some awkward moments- I remember eating something really awkwardly/ clumsily and I remember him dancing really awkwardly. Unlike other duals he didn’t make me feel like he wanted to pounce on me lol. I worry a bit about dating people who come from somewhere far away as I don’t wanna leave where I live ever and they might want to move nearer to their home. Also, he may be with someone now. Considering messaging him but coz he’s a dual I get a bit scared for some reason, they just spin my head a bit.

Distance is a bitch.

A relationship that might unfold gradually and naturally over many repeated, low-cost meetings turns into a live-or-die gamble when the barriers to entry are high and you only get one chance to make a lifelong decision.

[Bethanyclaire]

@Adam Strange uh sounds awful! He lives in my city, I just worry that he wouldn’t wanna stay. Also….I thought a cute SEE had unmatched me but it was just tinder being buggy. Just this min I realised he hadn’t and so now I have this SEE guy chatting to me about rave music and partying and not gonna lie, it’s…interesting…dating is such a weird mix of trying to be boringly practical/strategic one minute and emotions flying around the next.

one min you think you’ll die alone, the next you’re getting all excited over someone you haven’t yet met…dating apps are bizarre. I wish I was young again and didn’t need them so much.

[Adam Strange]

@Adam Strange uh sounds awful! He lives in my city, I just worry that he wouldn’t wanna stay. Also….I thought a cute SEE had unmatched me but it was just tinder being buggy. Just this min I realised he hadn’t and so now I have this SEE guy chatting to me about rave music and partying and not gonna lie, it’s…interesting…dating is such a weird mix of trying to be boringly practical one minute and emotions flying around the next.

@Bethany, I'd date them both if I were you, although SLEs and SEEs seem to absolutely hate cheaters (while not wanting to be held to that standard themselves), so I wouldn't lie about the fact that you are seeing more than one guy, but neither would I advertise the fact. You can keep things light and non-committal until you decide yea or nay for each of the guys.

Just date them and see how it goes. You might be pleasantly surprised and find that you naturally grow closer to one of them, or you might discover that they each have some characteristic which makes them unsuitable. You get to decide.

[Adam Strange]

I don't know if this means anything, but I've noticed a pattern in my dating.

Right after having sex for the first time, I and the first LSI that I dated slept over at each other's apartments. I think we were both thinking about marriage, although I changed my mind after a while.

Same thing happened with the SLI ex-wife. I slept at her place the first time we had sex.

But with the second LSI, even though we were seeing each other for four years, I can't remember a single time when either of us spent the whole night at the other's place.

Same with the last ESI-Fi GF I dated last summer. She kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night to drive home "because she had to work in the morning and needed her sleep." I invited her several times to stay overnight at my place after sex, but she refused, and drove herself an hour's distance home.

Maybe this is some kind of sign.

[Bethanyclaire]

@Adam Strange very nice advice, thank you. Yes, I guess dating more than one person could be good for me. I have a tendency to idealise people, (when I fancy them) and having someone to compare them to, might make me do that less. Cool, we’ll I’ll see if the SLE wants to chat again.

[Bethanyclaire]

I don't know if this means anything, but I've noticed a pattern in my dating.

Right after having sex for the first time, I and the first LSI that I dated slept over at each other's apartments. I think we were both thinking about marriage, although I changed my mind after a while.

Same thing happened with the SLI ex-wife. I slept at her place the first time we had sex.

But with the second LSI, even though we were seeing each other for four years, I can't remember a single time when either of us spent the whole night at the other's place.

Same with the last ESI-Fi GF I dated last summer. She kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night to drive home "because she had to work in the morning and needed her sleep." I invited her several times to stay overnight at my place after sex, but she refused, and drove herself an hour's distance home.

Maybe this is some kind of sign.

It could be..I guess it could be to do with feeling instinctively trusting towards a person. Like you want to be by their side always. I’ve been thinking about people I’ve dated casually or been attracted to. There are many who approached me or gave the first sign of being interested..who probably could have been decent long term boyfriend material. I think the ones I’ve gone after (the ones I liked the most) were probably the ones that would have been more short lived, although more passionate. I’m only speculating but..I think the ones I went after, (and they did like me back at least a little) were all a bit too similar to me.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

@Bethany, I'd date them both if I were you, although SLEs and SEEs seem to absolutely hate cheaters (while not wanting to be held to that standard themselves), so I wouldn't lie about the fact that you are seeing more than one guy, but neither would I advertise the fact. You can keep things light and non-committal until you decide yea or nay for each of the guys.

Just date them and see how it goes. You might be pleasantly surprised and find that you naturally grow closer to one of them, or you might discover that they each have some characteristic which makes them unsuitable. You get to decide.

I've been discovering this pattern as well.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Not dating, but still.

I had a weird chemistry with the SLE I've been getting to know, like insta "he's cool" clicking vibes, but it died out. What started as fun grew into something that, while entertaining, makes me feel out of place around him and mismatched as far as compatibility goes. I can only keep up the introductory banter for so long before I settle back into my seriousness. Also been noticing some things I'm not OK with and it has turned into a bit of gentle supervising. The ESI and I have been growing closer, she's thus far the only one of my new friendship efforts that tapped into the real me. The me that lies beneath my guarded exterior (which I don't carry myself with on the forums, I let my inner world flow more freely here). I find that she is incredibly insightful, too. I didn't have to say much for her to catch on to some things. That is a lot like how I am, too.