I don't really want to relive these things but I do in my patterns of behavior and in the way I interpret things. It's like everything I built in order to cope now perpetuates it even though it's gone (i.e. It's not gone, it became a part of me). My work aspect of life has definitely become like living in a hellish mythology that is my childhood that I can't break free of. I really don't know if anyone can help me with this but myself and I see it as a difficult problem, it's a problem of such proportions that some ppl can't survive it so I don't blame myself but it's just it's not an easy fix and it's not fast either. I try to think my way out of it but I'm aware thinking isn't enough.i don't know how to find actions and then in my E9ish way I drift off somewhere else bc that was also one of the ways I copied. I became an internal world escape artist with endless places inside myself to retreat to.