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Thread: How to get an SLI back in the initial stages of dating ?

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    Default How to get an SLI back in the initial stages of dating ?

    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him Im giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe hell come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him I’m giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe he’ll come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing
    He's not ready. He might never be ready.

    You do realize that male SLI's are the most common type? There are lots and lots more SLI's out there. One of them will appreciate what you bring to the table.

    Send your ex-guy a note. "It was an education. Good luck with the.....rest.....of.....your.....life. Don't call."


    Try for the same effect that IEE Bill Murry was going for when he was talking to the SLI Princess.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7amSrgtINI

    Or, hell. Just send him the link.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him I’m giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe he’ll come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing
    Probably this.

    Especially if it's you know, early stuff. Nobody can say anything worthwhile without knowing more details about your situation.
    Posts I wrote in the past contain less nuance.
    If you're in this forum to learn something, be careful. Lots of misplaced toxicity.

    ~an extraverted consciousness is unable to believe in invisible forces.
    ~a certain mysterious power that may prove terribly fascinating to the extraverted man, for it touches his unconscious.

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    Lol I love that, yeah I know I’ll find another SLI if I look. I was just wondering if there’s anything I could do to salvage this “relationship”.. but thank you ����

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    Yeah I guess I’ll leave it at that... I mean the story is stupid, I got mad at him for a misunderstanding, but I sincerely apologized, but it didn’t matter he went cold after that and said he needed time but didn’t come back around after a couple of months (I know how it sounds but I know he really liked / likes me).. anyways I got mad because I never got any apologies for the things he did before all of that and felt he was being immature and there was a double standard there... I guess I’ll let it go (unless the story gives more helpful info that leads anyone to believe there is something else I can do lol)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Yeah I guess I’ll leave it at that... I mean the story is stupid, I got mad at him for a misunderstanding, but I sincerely apologized, but it didn’t matter he went cold after that and said he needed time but didn’t come back around after a couple of months (I know how it sounds but I know he really liked / likes me).. anyways I got mad because I never got any apologies for the things he did before all of that and felt he was being immature and there was a double standard there... I guess I’ll let it go (unless the story gives more helpful info that leads anyone to believe there is something else I can do lol)
    It takes two people to be in a relationship. Two people who both want to be in a relationship and who are both willing to invest in the relationship by taking care of the other person. If it's all one-sided, then it's not really an adult relationship.

    So yes, there is something that you can try to do in order to get him back. Be his mother. You will find that he'll always be incommunicado, off doing whatever it is that HE wants to do, only doing something for you if it is convenient for him, always a day late and a mile away, but you will be able to tell yourself that you are in a relationship.
    But I really, really hope that you have more maturity and self-respect than that.

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    @Foxy, let me add one other thing while I'm offering unsolicited advice.

    I've lived with SLI's for my entire life. My father was one, my ex-wife is one, and our son is one. They can be helpful, kind, terrific people, but they are introverts and in my experience, SLI's often have Avoidant attachment styles. Not all, but an awful lot of them are like this. That means that they want time away from you. Most of their life away from you.

    You could have a real problem if you have an Anxious attachment style, because Anxious and Avoidants validate each other's world-view. The Anxious person wants to get closer to their partner and is afraid that the partner will leave them because the Anxious partner did something wrong or didn't do something right. The Avoidant wants to leave because their partner, who might only want a normal relationship, seems to be "smothering" the Avoidant. This kind of relationship is not healthy for either of them.

    SLIs can also be extremely passive-aggressive when they are feeling hostile, and if you see this, even once, run. There is no changing a person who is passive-aggressive rather than mature and compromising, because the passive-aggression is working for them. You can't change them, you can only leave and spin the dial again with another one. Because there are some healthy ones out there and you can find them if you keep a good grip on your boundaries and refuse to let the sick ones train you into accepting what they want to give to you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him I’m giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe he’ll come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing
    Don't even bother with SLI's, they ain't worth it. Us IEE's are better off without them, SLI's will only drag our kind down.
    I make music

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    @Foxy if its an important relationship I wouldnt take the advice of random strangers online. And I'd especially avoid the advices of those who have a record of relationship failures.

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    Sometimes it might help to let go of socionics entirely and just let the chemistry play itself out

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him I’m giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe he’ll come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing
    u already did your part. just let it go for now
    Cybergang bullying is real. Don't let it happen to u. PM me for advice and we can destroy these nerds together forever



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    Most SLIs can take a lot of abuse from others so long it's not of a personal nature; they tend to be thin-skinned when it comes to direct accusations such as criticising their ethics, motives and or competencies. They certainly wouldn't take betrayal very well either. When they write someone off, they tend to never look back. More than a few are consummate grudge-holders; some even seem to remind themselves periodically why certain individuals will remain forever persona non grata.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    I am so sorry Foxy. You are in the midst of one of those very painful life events. I am remembering a quote that a lot of people agree is a great truth that you have probably heard of. But it is coming to my mind so strongly in this situation you describe, and I think it is real wisdom. Here it is as my mind remembers it: "If you love someone very very much let him go free. If he comes back, he is yours, if he does not he never was."

    Furthermore, if he is yours in the end, you can drive him away for good by pursuing him when he has walked away, and also you can peek his interest and pursuit by accepting his choice, saying, almost shrugging, 'Well I am sorry you are leaving, because I care for you very much, and I believe in who we are together. But if you want to leave, I respect that. I don't want to hold you back. Go ahead. I wish you well."

    I could tell you stories from my past experience with SLIs but I am giving you the short bottom line. As hard as the above letting go is to do, it is the only thing that can work.

    If you want to know convincingly how/why letting him go is important, and why also acting almost disinterested, or at least totally accepting of him leaving, and why it's imperative to do everything in the opposite direction of being desperate to get him back (which will make him really run), you can read about exactly why that is the strategy. It will booster your confidence in implementing that plan if you read this bestseller, Love Must Be Tough, which has been many times reprinted, which I just now found cheapest used on Abebooks for $3.70 with free shipping: https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/Sea...20dobson&sts=t
    "A man with a definite belief always appears bizarre, because he does not change with the world; he has climbed into a fixed star, and the earth whizzes below him like a zoetrope."
    ........ G. ........... K. ............... C ........ H ........ E ...... S ........ T ...... E ........ R ........ T ........ O ........ N ........


    "Having a clear faith, based on the creed of the Church, is often labeled today as fundamentalism... Whereas relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and swept along
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    - Pope Benedict the XVI, "The Dictatorship of Relativism"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eliza Thomason View Post
    I am so sorry Foxy. You are in the midst of one of those very painful life events. I am remembering a quote that a lot of people agree is a great truth that you have probably heard of. But it is coming to my mind so strongly in this situation you describe, and I think it is real wisdom. Here it is as my mind remembers it: "If you love someone very very much let him go free. If he comes back, he is yours, if he does not he never was."

    Furthermore, if he is yours in the end, you can drive him away for good by pursuing him when he has walked away, and also you can peek his interest and pursuit by accepting his choice, saying, almost shrugging, 'Well I am sorry you are leaving, because I care for you very much, and I believe in who we are together. But if you want to leave, I respect that. I don't want to hold you back. Go ahead. I wish you well."

    I could tell you stories from my past experience with SLIs but I am giving you the short bottom line. As hard as the above letting go is to do, it is the only thing that can work.

    If you want to know convincingly how/why letting him go is important, and why also acting almost disinterested, or at least totally accepting of him leaving, and why it's imperative to do everything in the opposite direction of being desperate to get him back (which will make him really run), you can read about exactly why that is the strategy. It will booster your confidence in implementing that plan if you read this bestseller, Love Must Be Tough, which has been many times reprinted, which I just now found cheapest used on Abebooks for $3.70 with free shipping: https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/Sea...20dobson&sts=t

    oh wow that was a really good read I downloaded it on ibooks when I read your reply and I’m already on page 130. I was actually hoping for helpful advice like yours- thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Anyone have advice on what u can do to get my SLI to come back to me after a fight? I am being stonewalled and pretty much told him I’m giving up now, but I would really love to hear if there is anything I can do, or do I have to just let it go and maybe he’ll come back himself? I just worry because I read that the SLI and IEE dual pair often do not make it past the initial stage of duailizing
    Very vulnerable and secretly afraid of being misunderstood, they prefer to hide their true attitude to others. However, if humiliated in public, they can lose their temper and burst into tears and/or shout at the offender. SLI remember even the smallest offence and can break a relationship after a serious quarrel.



    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    Yeah I guess I’ll leave it at that... I mean the story is stupid, I got mad at him for a misunderstanding, but I sincerely apologized, but it didn’t matter he went cold after that and said he needed time but didn’t come back around after a couple of months (I know how it sounds but I know he really liked / likes me).. anyways I got mad because I never got any apologies for the things he did before all of that and felt he was being immature and there was a double standard there... I guess I’ll let it go (unless the story gives more helpful info that leads anyone to believe there is something else I can do lol)
    something similar happened between me and an EIE a while back. I basically burned that bridge and any other bridge that might lead back there. I'm LSI tho, SLIs might be different (descriptions say otherwise tho)

    I agree with Adam's assessment regarding anxious attachment style. Idk I test secure (and from reading about it, secure fits), but even I find ppl with that attachment style to be paranoid - clingy to the point of it being suffocating. Its a red flag tbh. Most logical course of action is to set boundaries and enforce them, if that fails, bail. People don't change, trying to change them is wasted effort.
    Last edited by shotgunfingers; 02-15-2021 at 07:11 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by shotgunfingers View Post
    Very vulnerable and secretly afraid of being misunderstood, they prefer to hide their true attitude to others. However, if humiliated in public, they can lose their temper and burst into tears and/or shout at the offender. SLI remember even the smallest offence and can break a relationship after a serious quarrel.

    That's how I lost an SLI best friend. It is also how I realised i'm a piece of shit after time passed. Hindsight is all.
    I make music

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    Serious Left-Static Negativist Eliza Thomason's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foxy View Post
    oh wow that was a really good read I downloaded it on ibooks when I read your reply and Im already on page 130. I was actually hoping for helpful advice like yours- thank you so much, I really appreciate it!
    So glad. It really is fantastic game plan for the wisest response in these cases. My close longtime friend credits this book to saving her not-yet-marriage when her now husband was straying when their children were under five and he was turning his back, indifferent, and she followed the plan in this book exactly and it did work just as it says. She was an illegal alien at the time, too (not now), no family in the country and him leaving her would have put her in a very bad spot. But now their children are in college and they are still together and she is so grateful her children had an intact home, growing up with both parents.
    "A man with a definite belief always appears bizarre, because he does not change with the world; he has climbed into a fixed star, and the earth whizzes below him like a zoetrope."
    ........ G. ........... K. ............... C ........ H ........ E ...... S ........ T ...... E ........ R ........ T ........ O ........ N ........


    "Having a clear faith, based on the creed of the Church, is often labeled today as fundamentalism... Whereas relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and swept along
    by every wind of teaching, looks like the only
    attitude acceptable to today's standards."
    - Pope Benedict the XVI, "The Dictatorship of Relativism"

    .
    .
    .


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