I just want to be happy. I can't express my feelings with anyone without being shamed. I just want to be understood. To feel a deep connection with someone. But I can not find that bond. I have lost all taste for life, all taste for what once made me feel joy and enthusiasm. I have lost all sense of purpose, and I cry as I write these words but I fear being perceived as ridiculous or being put down. But it feels good to cry. I fear losing my religious faith, for it is all I have left besides my financial and physical security provided by my mother. I will always be alone, no one will be there. I will never have children, and if I did, they would be the children of divorce, and years later, they would be accused of being the children of a so-called "sexual predator" by people like my brother, and thus be suspect to suspicion, that, God forbid, they be next. I hate myself. I hate my penis, I hate my feelings of love, I hate gender segregation and social norms. I miss the old me who would smile at life and give everyone a helping hand and get home in time to watch spongebob and study astronomy and biology and other subjects.