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Thread: Please shred my poetry into billions of little pieces!

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    trickle's Avatar
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    Default Please shred my poetry into billions of little pieces!

    Heya, so I'm gonna be making a thread to post my poetry, because I actively write poems (if I'm not awfully busy) and I'm interested in what you guys think about it! Feel free to shred it COMPLETELY to your whims, I have nothing against criticism and feedback. But do try to be at least somewhat helpful in your critiques. Here's one I wrote some time ago:

    All Little Corpses
    "A little death can do no harm,
    For it is death that gives life charm.
    At once, God claimed it absolute -
    All little corpses die for good.

    It’s known to all who learn to crawl,
    That only time tells when they fall.
    And turn to dirt, as time shall pass,
    Over the dirt shall spring forth grass.

    And on this grass new men shall stand,
    Of whom some find their lifetimes bland.
    So why should other men dispute,
    When corpses choose to die for good?"

    Oh, and if you want to share yours, go ahead! I'll give feedback to each & every one posted in this thread.
    8w7 sx/so. Not sure about my TIM, so type me if you have any clues.

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    FreelancePoliceman's Avatar
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    Default

    I'm not great with poetry, so I'm not able to give very helpful advice. That said, these lines in particular I don't like:

    At once, God claimed it absolute -
    All little corpses die for good.

    "Claimed" isn't a good choice of word here; it gives an impression of uncertainty, like God was being interrogated and said "yeah, people will die -- uh, sure; yeah." Something like "decreed" would be better. And why "at once"? You haven't introduced any concept of time, so it doesn't seem at all relevant how quickly God spoke. It might be appropriate if you were trying to convey a sense of awesomeness about the divine by emphasizing the timeless nature of its actions, but that doesn't seem to be what you're doing here. I also don't see why you say "little corpses." Obviously you don't mean it literally (that only little corpses die for good and big corpses don't); so why "little"? Are they cute? Same for the "little death" you mention earlier -- what's a "little death"? Is there such thing as a "big death"?
    Clicks speed growth.


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