Spotting the types on dating apps!

[MarshalBell]

One approach is to pay attention to the language they use, their interests, and how they communicate. Look for patterns in their behavior and responses to get a sense of their personality. As for distinguishing quadras and quasi-identicals, it might require a bit more digging and observation. Trust your instincts, and don't be afraid to ask questions to get to know them better. But discovering something like that sounds really tough. Hang in there. Also, I recently came across an article by a dating coach that shares some helpful insights on transforming your love life. It's always interesting to explore different perspectives: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/austi...e-smith-cwegc/

[Echo]

I’ve changed my mind about her. I now think she’s ESI.

Examples of Si are that she dressed impeccably well on our first two dates. Her hair was perfect, her teeth white, her clothes tasteful. She orders food and only eats 2/3 of it to stay slim. I was seeing the same kind of self-presentation that I saw in my SLI ex and see in an SEI-Fe that I work with. Like, a naturally high level of good taste in clothes. It was this high level of what appears to be Si that scared me about her. She has 4D Si, and I could not tell by looking at her if it was valued or if she was just good at it.

But ESI’s are said to be Artists, with themselves being the canvas. I’ve since seen her home.

It was spotless. Dust free. You could eat off the floor. There wasn’t a corner that wasn’t perfectly clean, as if she were on a mission to rid her world of any moral flaws. But her taste in furniture, unlike my SLI ex, is terrible. Everything was clean and in good repair, but it was kind of jarring. Now maybe she didn’t choose everything, but it looks like her house was furnished from yard sales, rather than having a single theme.

(Now that my SLI ex is long gone, my house is starting to look eclectic, too, and I hate that. I seem to be powerless to change it, though, which is why I want to hire an interior decorator (ESE or SEI) to furnish the place, once I get the structure where I want it.)

She showed me her laundry room in the basement. It was very different from the rest of the house. Clean, but dark and cluttered, as if it were her alter-ego. It looked like my basement on a good day.

I somehow feel that an SEI would just have a better sense of how furniture would match than she did. She showed me some really ugly furnishings and said she really should get rid of this, but it has memories for her. So, Fi over Fe.

I would guess ESI as well. She sounds a bit like my mother (who had alpha parents). Also, one thing I’ve noticed in general is that both ESIs and SEIs are natural caregivers, but I’ve found that ESIs gravitate towards healthcare/nursing roles, and SEIs usually prefer teaching/childcare. My mother was an accountant but when her mother was dying with cancer she became her full time caregiver and nurses would often comment on how naturally those skills came to my mother. Most hospitals are full of gammas. I know soooo many nurses who are SEE and ESI and so many doctors who are LIEs and ILIs.

[Adam Strange]

I would guess ESI as well. She sounds a bit like my mother (who had alpha parents). Also, one thing I’ve noticed in general is that both ESIs and SEIs are natural caregivers, but I’ve found that ESIs gravitate towards healthcare/nursing roles, and SEIs usually prefer teaching/childcare. My mother was an accountant but when her mother was dying with cancer she became her full time caregiver and nurses would often comment on how naturally those skills came to my mother. Most hospitals are full of gammas. I know soooo many nurses who are SEE and ESI and so many doctors who are LIEs and ILIs.

Hi, Echo.
Yes, she is a nurse and she is definitely ESI, and coincidentally, she had Alpha parents who screwed up her attachment style because they shared none of her Gamma values, and her natural behavior was not acceptable to them.
I saw this phenomenon of misunderstanding when I watched a LIE mother ask her ILE son "What is wrong with you?" Not "I'm bothered by the way you are doing this, and could you please change what you are doing?" No. It was "What is wrong with you?"

She told me that her parents told her she was stupid. Believe me, she's not stupid, but she thinks she might be, because they got to her early and often. I believe they made her into a Dismissive-Avoidant. Dismissive-Avoidant attachment forms when your needs are ignored by your caregivers, so you learn that you can't trust anyone to provide you with what you need, and so you keep everyone at arm's length.
Her parents were Alpha, and she had a sister who might be LSI, but she died early, and a brother who is SLI. No Gamma "safe haven and approval" in sight.

Do you know your mother's attachment style?

[Echo]

Hi, Echo.
Yes, she is a nurse and she is definitely ESI, and coincidentally, she had Alpha parents who screwed up her attachment style because they shared none of her Gamma values, and her natural behavior was not acceptable to them.
I saw this phenomenon of misunderstanding when I watched a LIE mother ask her ILE son "What is wrong with you?" Not "I'm bothered by the way you are doing this, and could you please change what you are doing?" No. It was "What is wrong with you?"

She told me that her parents told her she was stupid. Believe me, she's not stupid, but she thinks she might be, because they got to her early and often. I believe they made her into a Dismissive-Avoidant. Dismissive-Avoidant attachment forms when your needs are ignored by your caregivers, so you learn that you can't trust anyone to provide you with what you need, and so you keep everyone at arm's length.
Her parents were Alpha, and she had a sister who might be LSI, but she died early, and a brother who is SLI. No Gamma "safe haven and approval" in sight.

Do you know your mother's attachment style?

My mother is actually a pretty interesting person. Very, very textbook ESI. She has all the traits of one. Loyal, dutiful, super diligent and highly moral. I’ve also noticed that ESIs tend to be very physically attractive people and back in the day, my mother was gorgeous. She used to date a lot of wealthy men and she had her photo in Cosmo in the 80s. A long-running joke between my sister and I is that we have no idea why she married my father, although I guess she must’ve known he was the right match for her- they’ve been happily married almost 40 years.
My grandmother was an ILE. My grandfather I think was either an ESE or an LSE. I’m divided on which one. I just read about the dismissive avoidant attachment style and it actually fits my grandmother to a T. Her parents abandoned her when she was two years old. I think she did her best to be a good mother, but she was never the milk and cookies type. She and my grandfather were quite poor and they both worked full-time so my mother was left with all the household responsibilities from a young age. At eight years old, she was doing laundry and dishes and cooking dinner for the family. She was also the one who took care of her siblings. I’m not sure exactly which attachment style my mother has because I don’t know that much about the different attachment styles. She definitely is anxious and afraid that the people she loves will leave her, but I wouldn’t say she’s dismissive. Sometimes I feel like she can be a bit overbearing to be honest, because I’m not really an emotionally communicative person so I always kind of felt like I didn’t give her the sort of love she wanted from a daughter. She definitely always preferred my sister I think (although relationship with my mother has gotten better as I’ve gotten older-she told me that she doesn’t always understand why I do the things I do, but she’s always respected that I have a very strict sense of right and wrong). If I had to pick one, I would say she has a pretty secure attachment style and I think a lot of that probably comes from her relationship with her grandmother and then later my father. I don’t know what type my great-grandmother was, but my mother said that she was her primary caregiver growing up and they were close. And I think being with my father for so many years has been good for her.

[Echo]

She told me that her parents told her she was stupid. Believe me, she's not stupid, but she thinks she might be, because they got to her early and often. I believe they made her into a Dismissive-Avoidant. Dismissive-Avoidant attachment forms when your needs are ignored by your caregivers, so you learn that you can't trust anyone to provide you with what you need, and so you keep everyone at arm's length.

One other thing: My Mother is definitely insecure about her intelligence. She always Dismisses her intelligence by saying that she just has a good mind for numbers (It’s more than that, though. she has a surprisingly good memory for figures and can do complicated calculations in her head- faster than me or my dad). I think that it probably is because of her upbringing. My grandmother always told her that she was smart, but not as smart as her brother (who i think was also an ILE), So it messed with her self-esteem