This Spring I went biking around town with my dad and brother. I have developed asthma as a teenager (so, still learning my limits and everything), and I always feel like I have to keep up with them so even when my lungs start to close up a bit, I just suck it up and keep going until it's over.
Usually it's fine because it's a short hill, but there was a really long, slowly inclining hill. We finally turned onto a side road, and once the pressure on my body eased up, that's when my lungs almost completely closed up and I was really wheezing for breath. This weird thing happens that whenever I get an asthma attack like this, I just start bawling (happened once before). My dad looked back and cue the Oh Shit Why is she crying again moment.
Ok, but on the way back, we took it easy of course, but then I noticed, um my lungs are still kind of distressed and I'm still having some more-than-slight asthma. my dad asked maybe twice Are you ok? and every time I would say Yes.
But it's like, I'm always waiting for the person to keep pushing it and eventually I'll admit that I'm not ok (of course my dad being ILI he always just leaves it). It feels like I'm always literally unable to bring up the fact that maybe I'm not okay (emotionally, physically..) unless the person really strongly keeps insisting Okay but are you really really really sure???! Idk how to explain it, if I do do it, I just feel SO uncomfortable..
My SLI English teacher kept telling me this year that in literary analyses, my problem is that I always imply things but never clearly say them. Ofc to me it seems perfectly clear, but I really gotta spell things out apparently. Which I also don't like because it is not how I like to write.. it feels like an ugly writing style if you have to say things in such a.. not-soft explicit way. But he's right, ofc.
From this, I realized I have this problem with being explicit, in all areas of my life. In everything I do, I just hint at things, so that the other person draws the conclusion. most of the time it works fine, but not always, obviously. I feel really uncomfortable if I have to say something explicitly, here are 2 reasons I though of:
- in some cases, because I instinctively know that the person will believe you so much more if it's them who realizes the problem on their own, instead of you just telling them. i seem to try to guide them to the conclusion with all the clues
- I think I just never trust that the person will believe what I say. very recently I've had instances of people just believing.. what I tell them.. which really surprised me.
- when I say I feel this way, when so-and-so acts this way it's because of this, i have this impression of this, i have a feeling about this person... nothing I say ever seems to have physical evidence, but most of the time.. i know I'm very likely to be right.. but I know very well the other person would have no way of believing me (if I were in their shoes). and then if the other person doubts what I said it's just like.. ahh sorry should have just kept it to myself.
- one of my closest friends is an ILE and I'm realizing that one reason she's the one person I can tell anything is because, she just always believes me. and if she doesn't, 95% I can convince her I'm right and she's like Omg how didn't I see this before, or otherwise she'll convince me otherwise. (me covering for her Fi-PoLR, is that what it is. cuz a lot of the things I tell her are things concerning other people or herself (she says I know her better than she knows herself))
- i simply don't know how to "take up space" and speak up for myself.
- (above) a while ago I had an english teacher who I strongly believe was IEI-Ni (in any case, she had very strong Ni. and very strong e1) in any case I felt like she sort of understood me the way I understood myself. my mom told me she said I have to develop some presence and learn to take up space. Like, when I walk into a classroom (ahh, looking back on her words.. she must be IEI and not ILI. has got to be..)
- a digression: I did so well in her class.. I would get perfect scores on essays I wrote the night before in an hour. in contrast, with the SLI English teacher, I have never done so bad.. I mean yes, this is the hardest writing class I've done, but also, damn it writing is simply so subjective. i just hope all my english exam-graders next year are closer to my type xdd. Btw, both teachers are very good writers and teachers, it is not because one of them is bad.
Um, well, I was going to talk about my mom, but I feel like I got to the core of the issue (took a while didn't it). The only thing I'd like to mention is that.. I think one reason I have trouble opening up to her is because she either 1) doesn't ask or mention anything although she notices something (in a Fi fashion) or 2) tries to force me to tell her something in a very aggressive manner (Se)
What would be best for me is the latter but in a kinder, more understanding manner..
bleh I feel like having stronger Se would solve a lot of my problems
I'd be curious to hear anyone's point of view on all of this, and also any IEI's reactions to or experience or lack thereof of this whole thing I just described.
(I also apologize if my writing style is at times choppy and hard to understand.. I'm kind of lazy about how I write on here, it seems)