Last edited by chocolatte; 07-22-2021 at 09:01 PM.
Being a child of a superego marriage, I would say run.
Hope this has answered some of your questions.
Superego partners can form excellent working relationships because they seem to inherently understand each other's processes. A deep, long-lasting, romantic relationship will depend more on the baggage and hang-ups that each partner has and will accumulate. I've seen these relationships succeed and fail but I can say the same for duals. A common problem for SLI-IEI pairs is that they both can develop siege mentalities toward one another; partners can think they're right and won't compromise. When those Ip-walls go up, effective communication usually goes down because both become too defensive. The key to longevity is being able to put up with the other's baggage when it's metaphorically all strewn about and you have to step around some of it each day.
Last edited by Rebelondeck; 05-31-2020 at 10:17 AM.
I'm not gonna be super useful as I have a rather restrained and superficial experience with SLIs but I just have a genuine question for you. How do you deal with his Fe Polr ? Personally it would seem like a real issue, at least for a long-term relationship. My experience with xLis more especially ILIs (even if god knows that I like them most of the time) is that they just tend to shut down every single displays of Fe even more when you bring a Fe matter in a discussion where they tend to throw at me some assumptions that just implies their disinterest or just dodge it like nothing just happened. Sorry that I don't really answer to your thread, I'm just curious.
Don't try to adapt to other person, be yourself. It's better to find people who are compatible with us for close relationships, others should be kept at distance where differences in values don't cause problems.
@spectremetrique IEI-SLI relationships don't have great natural communication skills so significant patience and experience is required. IEIs seem to be able to easily talk with other NFs and SLIs with other STs but they quickly find out that those individuals offer little that is useful or insightful, and communication tends to revolve around nothing much more than semantics. IEIs are great observers of human interaction; they usually can look quite deep if they're so inclined but the other person has to be somewhat important to them. SLIs are often oblivious to such matters and may need to be shown some leadership but IEIs have been known to hold back until it's too late.
There is just one tiny thing that bugs me off when you say that having connections with people of the same club is not useful. Maybe there is not much room for growth inside those relationships, I can consider it. Although affirming right away that they are mostly bland and without substance seems to me like a huge generalization for me. What makes you say that ? If you don't mind answering my question for sure.
chocolatte, Dealing with this is going to be difficult for you, because his self-esteem issues are Fi-related, and while you have 4D Fi, you don't value it and so will use it jokingly. Which is very much the wrong approach.
If you want to be supportive with respect to his self-esteem issue, never ever mention it. It doesn't exist. Not in your mind, not in his. If you even bring this up, you will be hammering hard on a thin glass floor over a precipice and you can expect the same outcome. However, you are allowed to tell him how much you APPRECIATE him. Use that word, maybe once every two weeks, especially after he has done something Si for you. That will fix much of the problem without the chance of breaking your relationship irrevocably.
So are you sure he is SLI and not for example LSI?
The decisive thing is not the reality of the object, but the reality of the subjective factor, i.e. the primordial images, which in their totality represent a psychic mirror-world. It is a mirror, however, with the peculiar capacity of representing the present contents of consciousness not in their known and customary form but in a certain sense sub specie aeternitatis, somewhat as a million-year old consciousness might see them.
(Jung on Si)
Yes, SLI’s need a lot of space. They will make themselves absent when they need to. Don’t take it personally. Probably. They really are only good for a few minutes of interaction per day with the best of people.
They can be surprised when people try to get close fast, but that alone doesn’t offend them. It is the person that either offends them or doesn’t.
For example, IEE’s are instantly all over someone they like. It is the manner in which IEE’s are all over them that makes them tolerable to the SLI.
As for your constant questions, SLI’s are used to that. IEE’s are Ne-unstable Infantiles and have lots of crazy suggestions and lots of crazy questions, and SLI’s are stabilizing influences. Your friend is probably not offended by your questions, as long at they are kept concrete. You start asking him about yoga in the fifth dimension and you are going to lose points pretty fast. Keep the questions to “Does my blue dress or my green dress look better?” “Is the DeWalt or Milwaukee brand of hand tools better?”
If he’s doing something truly egregious, just tell him that it makes you want to leave for Paris. This is pretty serious, though, and if I were you, I wouldn’t try it. Just let it go.
Have fun with this relationship, but please realize that opposite-quadra relationships are like being exposed to radioactive materials. You can do “close” for a short time if you wait long periods of time between exposures, and you can do “distant” forever, because the damage occurs at rates lower than the repairs which take place. But “close” and “all the time” is going to be bad. For both of you.
I have lived with SLI’s all my life. My father, ex-wife, son, some friends, and some employees are all SLI. I like them. They are stable and are hard workers, and they don’t like drama. I have never once heard an SLI criticize someone in my entire life. They do criticize people mentally, sometimes very harshly, but they don’t say that out loud.
I was sitting in a restaurant with some guys from work and an SLI-Si sat down and started to tell us about a really irritating female he’d just encountered, and how stupid she was and how irrational she was, and I thought “Whoa. I’ve never seen this before. I wonder who could have rubbed him so wrong?” And as he went on, it gradually dawned on me that he was talking about the IEI-Fe at the restaurant that I’ve actually dated (I don’t share much with the guys I work with). She’s an incredibly nice person, but yes, she’s definitely IEI-Fe, with all that goes with that. She has loads of Fe and really is Te-PoLR, and if you yourself are Fe-PoLR and Te-Creative, then that might not make the best first impression.
Last edited by Adam Strange; 05-31-2020 at 03:59 PM.
Try it. You will find that it is a Super Power with SLI's, so don't abuse it.
The banter, maybe seduction, between an IEI and an SLE consists of testing each other's strengths to find out if the other person will be a reliable partner in a hostile world. This testing can take the form of mutual public insults. For these Duals, this is part of the game. To an Fi-valuing person, it is a relationship breaker. Fi-valuers already know the world can be a hostile place and they need an unseen, unbreakable connection to a reliable partner, so a public attack of any sort, joking or not, represents a violation of that bond.
I have seen a female IEI publicly tell a male SLE to get his shit together because he was screwing up. For her, that was her role; what she was born to do. (She is wise and sees the future.) For him, it was strategic advice that he needed most. (He is strong, he can take that advice and use it to conquer.) For an Fi-valuer, it would be reason to exit the relationship.
This is really why it is so hard to get really close to people of the opposite quadra. Your best intentions are seen as attacks, because of the oppositely valued functions.