Originally Posted by
Lord Pixel
Here's a good example of not knowing if I can handle Se things. I did karate, I did it to try and get rid of this fear. I entered a tournament. My no.1 fear was getting punched in the face, because I had no idea whether it would knock me unconscious or what. When the guy punched me square in my face, after realizing I did not die and it wasn't the end of the world, I felt extremely alive and in touch with some sense of the limits or strengths or whatever, capabilities of my body. I literally had to leave my persona off the mat in order to compete, every inch of me that was timid, non aggressive, and reactive and not proactive I had to leave off the mat. I had to be someone else. I had some sense of what my body could take without dieing after that punch, and it was almost like a revelation. It helped me feel like maybe my body is stronger than I thought, but before that I had no idea what I could and couldn't take as a punch. I don't know what my own body is capable of or not capable of doing to the outside world, and what it can or can't take most of the time. So in a situation where my strength is needed, whether it is a physical fight, or just using my voice to assert myself, I don't know if the pressure I could put out is ever enough to deal with the pressure someone is putting against me, I also don't know the right pressure, I don't have a go to reaction or anything. I don't know if I can "eliminate the cause of the pressure." for me, or my family, or friends, or loved ones. That makes me feel powerless to the world around me and makes me do dumb shit to deal with that feeling, like fantasizing about eliminating the "pressure", threat, person who did me wrong. Or straight up lieing in highschool about being in a gang so people can think twice before they mess with me, or beating up kids smaller than me so I can feel like I was stronger than something in the world around me just to escape feeling weak all the time.
Anyway, Se PoLR sucks bad.