Hello everyone, I've always scored INTJ in MBTI. Although I think I have Fe in my stack, having Te as the "implementation of the program" function made a lot of sense too, because I feel that my modus operandi is about materialising my inner visions into a concrete raw functional product, as efficiently as possible. I know how to go about doing anything. I only accumulate knowledge if it has some practical use in the real world, not for the sake of learning only. I feel like it's a waste of time to accumulate knowledge or resources only for it to stay in my head. That's why sometimes I feel very depressed when I can't express myself or mobilise myself in the world.
I don't identify with the online stereotypes at all, and I've always been a highly sensitive person, not a cold robot. I'm very sensitive deep inside, I'm easily hurt even though I never ever show it; I feel like I have eternal compassion for all beings and will always stand up for the underdog. On the outside I come across as a very emotionally strong and unflappable person, who has it all together. I have some trouble expressing my love and care for my intimates.
With strangers, I'm always friendly and polite and democratic. I don't judge by first impressions and make friends from all walks of life very easily. I consider myself very tolerant of others, sincere and intense.
I love to write poetry and lyrics. I like metaphors and there's always a double meaning to everything I say or write. I'm just too shy to expose my talents to the public though... Sometimes I go so deep while texting/expressing myself that people don't know what I'm talking about anymore, I'm basically just making inside jokes and comments with myself, that only I will understand.
I love to entertain paradoxes and very disturbing content in my head, I love to feel the full spectrum of emotions, so sometimes I knowingly entertain sad or bizarre scenarios in my head. When talking to others I always love to give alternative perspectives. When someone is feeling down and helpless, I suggest various potential positive scenarios that could also be true. And also when someone is probably feeling overconfident and on top of the world, I feel compelled to describe terrible negative scenarios that could also happen, I feel compelled to do it. I don't mean any harm, but I'm very driven to challenge current conceptions, even if I don't say them out loud. I like to try to conciliate extremes. Ying needs Yang and vice versa.
I feel very misunderstood and insecure, I always feel like I'm justifying myself when I don't need it. I honestly cannot lie.
These last years I've just been watching life pass me by. People (I'll be honest, whom I considered less talented than me, or that didn't persue higher education) are all doing something, smiling, happy with their occupations and successes.
I feel like I'm dragging myself through life lately, trying to find out who I am instead of creating who I am.
I'm very afraid of ending up like Pink Floyd's Time...
I'm currently in college studying Statistics and Data Science/Machine Learning. I want to learn as much as I can about difficult subjects so I can create a worthy self-autored product that I can offer society.
I'm very relaxed and passive and lazy. It's very hard to get mobilised and I always need to relax/mentally prepare before going into anything.
I abused alcohol, opioids and gabaergic drugs in the past. I cope with pain by going inwards, troubleshooting, isolating and escaping. I don't want to talk with anybody and I stop completing projects and become completely irresponsible. My routine and sleep cycle gets out of whack.
At my best I'm witty, funny, confident and curious about anything. I start being assertive, decisive and interested in people again and being productive towards my personal goals everyday. I get that momentum of feeling accomplished at the end of the day and I start working harder and harder because it's invigorating me.
I have no conflicts with people, and when I notice someone is hurt or I said the wrong thing or I suspect what I said may be misunderstood I immediately apologize and clarify/justify myself. I never let anything conflict wise drag out for long. All my relationships are at peace. It's the rest of the world that depresses me sometimes.
I'm willing to answer anything else you may ask me, as weird as it may sound. Since I'm going full honesty, might as well ride the wave and go all the way in sharing it with strangers
Thanks for reading and replying in advance.