Not feeling fulfilled by activator boyfriend

[spearmint]

-

[nifl]

as duality theoretically is a better ITR than activation, it's expected to have a higher incidence of partner satisfaction. but as activation is among the very best (2nd, arguably) it's not far behind.

But I thought I'd rant and see if anyone had similar experiences.

it's inferred by the theory. potential problems with activation for introverts: relative understimulation & undercontact (I-I), somewhat of a disharmony in life rhythm (P-J). i've never been in a romantic relationship with EII, but have more than one friend of the type.

[Sol]

I find EJ assertiveness really attractive

Mirror types are similar. The difference in positive "assertiveness" should not be much.

You both may to have any types and IR. Especially when you youself understand to have significantly not common traits and behavior for the type you think at yourself.
You seem some F. Hard to say more without a typing theme with a video and questionnaire.

> I don't want someone to criticise me

A critique may be in any of functions. And you may get a help in any of them. In weak regions a help for you is more useful, including by changing of what and how you want to do.
Duals also tend to change your behavior to fit their understanding, as anyone who is stronger in a function. It's important how to do this, where duals tend to change your behavior by easier way for you to be accepted.
Direct criticism is among ways for changing. To accept it in valued regions is easier, especially when you feel a sympathy to that human. It's what you want yourself - to accept views of those what inspires a sympathy and trust in you, - he's authority for you. So criticism which is _perceived_ as annoying does not happen often in good relations.
Expression of negative emotions, direct critique, demands - is not what should happen often, anyway. The attitude on acceptance should dominate to make relations good. Also people may adopt a behavior themselves after a time, as understand each other better, as influence indirectly on each other.

> I don't think this is worth breaking up for though.

It's common when after some years people feel lesser of sexual attraction and of charm made by it. The strong positive factor reduces and more of the attention is attracted to negative in other human and relations.

When IR are good - this helps to keep frienship relations and corresponding positive emotions. But friendship itself is made by people in a compassion and mutual care, cooperation. In ideal form - when 2 people join minds (have similar contents) and their lifes (do maximum together) as 2 parts of one being. The degree you have it - the degree of love state exists. A sympathy and different strong skills help to establish a friendship where both feel good.
"live my life for me"
In a friendship you two live one life _together_. Other human lives the life with you. Interests and opinions of other one are same important as own. Anything is shared. It's what love or friendship.

If IR are not good - it's harder to establish and to have friendship, harder to feel good in it. One of important predisposing factors. The main is what people do for each other, to make other one and yourself feel happier.
IR you have is doubtftul to be as what think, as types of both may be other.
If you want to make relations better in your pair - compassion and mutual care may do this. In this you introject personal traits of other human, his interests as own. And then do a care about him as about yourself. The border is removed. Same is done from his side. With better compatibility do this is easier and result is better from same efforts. In minds and life joining state, good psyche compatibility predisposes to feel in yourself higher energy, higher self-esteem, more positive and optimistic life perception in general. With bad compatibility is felt significant exhaustion, more doubts in yourself and in the life. It's hypothetically still possibly to feel emotionally good even with bad compatibility if you'll do more efforts (and have enough resources for this) and even where you'll feel more of mentioned above negative impressions, which can be lesser than positive impressions you are geting.

How easy for you is to establish friendship and how much good you feel in this friendship with concrete human - it's what you evaluate yourself. Will you feel much better with other human - is an assumption only.
Try to feel good with the one who is with you already. Both should make efforts for this - to understand what each of you needs to feel happier and be helping each other in this. To share by anything what you feel and think, what events happen for you both, more to do together. To be as equal parts of one. After a time you both will can see the result, how good you are feeling and mb accept this as good enough state.

> my father objectively isn't a very good person

objectively, any human is good in something and bad in other. and a perception of the same may differ between people
duality is doubtful for your parrents, but possible. as good IR is only one of positive factors

[nifl]

But I think the stereotype of EII (a dreamy doormat???)

i rather associate this with IEI

I still get a good dose of Si + Te - he's very in his body and in the moment, very pragmatic, he's an engineer and loves making/fixing things

not specifically related to Si-Te as functional attitudes, just S and T

it never fails to amaze me that he doesn't seem to have any of the thoughts/worries about the future that constantly fills my head.

worrying about the future seems more to plague sensors. with better imagination = securer picture of what can potentially happen, so intuitives may have less unneeded worrying and more productive action to circumvent or bring about the desired future.

[on a peaceful hiatus]

OP seems more IEI than EII. Activity is one of the most comfortable relationships, which makes me sceptical about the typings.

[Ruby13357]

We've been together for two years now. I (EII) love him (SLI) and think he's great, but I can't help but notice that socionics theory seems to be right - I subconsciously do want my dual (LSE). I think the most obvious thing is to do with temperaments - I find EJ assertiveness really attractive, and my boyfriend is much more laid back and chilled. It's nice sometimes but annoys me a bit other times!

At the risk of turning this a bit NSFW, I really want someone who would boss me around a bit!? Not in the Se power fight way, I don't want someone to criticise me or live my life for me, just little nudges to help me get on with what I want to do already

I don't think this is worth breaking up for though. My parents are supposedly duals but they had a terrible relationship because my father objectively isn't a very good person. But I thought I'd rant and see if anyone had similar experiences.

Lol this is why I'm only willing to date my duals. They're the only types that are able to fulfill me. With duals, even if they're an unhealthy individual, I'll still be able to learn something from them and grow into a better version of myself. With non-dual types, I don't seem to have much positive experiences with them nor am I able to learn much from them and I only end up getting sorrow from them.

[Finaplex]

OP seems more IEI than EII. Activity is one of the most comfortable relationships, which makes me sceptical about the typings.

Just more arrogance telling people what they should and should not want using the theory as a weapon. Nice work alive!

[Finaplex]

We've been together for two years now. I (EII) love him (SLI) and think he's great, but I can't help but notice that socionics theory seems to be right - I subconsciously do want my dual (LSE). I think the most obvious thing is to do with temperaments - I find EJ assertiveness really attractive, and my boyfriend is much more laid back and chilled. It's nice sometimes but annoys me a bit other times!

At the risk of turning this a bit NSFW, I really want someone who would boss me around a bit!? Not in the Se power fight way, I don't want someone to criticise me or live my life for me, just little nudges to help me get on with what I want to do already

I don't think this is worth breaking up for though. My parents are supposedly duals but they had a terrible relationship because my father objectively isn't a very good person. But I thought I'd rant and see if anyone had similar experiences.

All activators are like this eventually: safe, but boring.

[Finaplex]

Mirror types are similar. The difference in positive "assertiveness" should not be much.

You both may to have any types and IR. Especially when you youself understand to have significantly not common traits and behavior for the type you think at yourself.
You seem some F. Hard to say more without a typing theme with a video and questionnaire.

> I don't want someone to criticise me

A critique may be in any of functions. And you may get a help in any of them. In weak regions a help for you is more useful, including by changing of what and how you want to do.
Duals also tend to change your behavior to fit their understanding, as anyone who is stronger in a function. It's important how to do this, where duals tend to change your behavior by easier way for you to be accepted.
Direct criticism is among ways for changing. To accept it in valued regions is easier, especially when you feel a sympathy to that human. It's what you want yourself - to accept views of those what inspires a sympathy and trust in you, - he's authority for you. So criticism which is _perceived_ as annoying does not happen often in good relations.
Expression of negative emotions, direct critique, demands - is not what should happen often, anyway. The attitude on acceptance should dominate to make relations good. Also people may adopt a behavior themselves after a time, as understand each other better, as influence indirectly on each other.

> I don't think this is worth breaking up for though.

It's common when after some years people feel lesser of sexual attraction and of charm made by it. The strong positive factor reduces and more of the attention is attracted to negative in other human and relations.

When IR are good - this helps to keep frienship relations and corresponding positive emotions. But friendship itself is made by people in a compassion and mutual care, cooperation. In ideal form - when 2 people join minds (have similar contents) and their lifes (do maximum together) as 2 parts of one being. The degree you have it - the degree of love state exists. A sympathy and different strong skills help to establish a friendship where both feel good.
"live my life for me"
In a friendship you two live one life _together_. Other human lives the life with you. Interests and opinions of other one are same important as own. Anything is shared. It's what love or friendship.

If IR are not good - it's harder to establish and to have friendship, harder to feel good in it. One of important predisposing factors. The main is what people do for each other, to make other one and yourself feel happier.
IR you have is doubtftul to be as what think, as types of both may be other.
If you want to make relations better in your pair - compassion and mutual care may do this. In this you introject personal traits of other human, his interests as own. And then do a care about him as about yourself. The border is removed. Same is done from his side. With better compatibility do this is easier and result is better from same efforts. In minds and life joining state, good psyche compatibility predisposes to feel in yourself higher energy, higher self-esteem, more positive and optimistic life perception in general. With bad compatibility is felt significant exhaustion, more doubts in yourself and in the life. It's hypothetically still possibly to feel emotionally good even with bad compatibility if you'll do more efforts (and have enough resources for this) and even where you'll feel more of mentioned above negative impressions, which can be lesser than positive impressions you are geting.

How easy for you is to establish friendship and how much good you feel in this friendship with concrete human - it's what you evaluate yourself. Will you feel much better with other human - is an assumption only.
Try to feel good with the one who is with you already. Both should make efforts for this - to understand what each of you needs to feel happier and be helping each other in this. To share by anything what you feel and think, what events happen for you both, more to do together. To be as equal parts of one. After a time you both will can see the result, how good you are feeling and mb accept this as good enough state.

> my father objectively isn't a very good person

objectively, any human is good in something and bad in other. and a perception of the same may differ between people
duality is doubtful for your parrents, but possible. as good IR is only one of positive factors

Sorry you stopped loving each other, I understand its difficult to keep the spark alive, eh?

[on a peaceful hiatus]

Just more arrogance telling people what they should and should not want using the theory as a weapon. Nice work alive!

what are you even talking about? how am I telling anyone what they should want or not? I am merely stating my opinion in a thread designed to do so, idiot.

[Finaplex]

what are you even talking about? how am I telling anyone what they should want or not? I am merely stating my opinion in a thread designed to do so, idiot.

"I know more about your personal situation and I'm also calling into question your entire thread premise and invalidating your typing, your partner's typing and thereby discussing in bad faith, which shows up as being confrontational from the get go, but I don't have any amount of personal awareness to know thats what I'm doing!"

Its like someone says something and instead of accommodating where they are coming from, you just straight up say "mistyped" like some arbiter. If you knew anything about SLIs you would understand WHY they need some ENFp chaos in their lives. But you don't. You don't understand inter types what-so-ever and you've demonstrated that time and again.

That you can't see how blanket typing anyone and everything sets up your discussions as confrontations from the moment you open your mouth just shows your weak, WEAK ethics.

Sorry OP, sorry your thread is getting hijacked.

[on a peaceful hiatus]

"a dreamy doormat", "prioritise things like practicality, security and power more than I otherwise would"

points towards Ni/Se valuing

"But still feel free to suggest alternative typings."

@Finaplex: unlike you, I assume that the person I am writing to is intelligent enough to interpret my words carefully and make their own conclusion, while you seem like an over-emotional, toxic asshole. you are unable to grasp where I am coming from, so it's automatically wrong to you. you also have little knowledge about the theory.

[Finaplex]

"a dreamy doormat", "prioritise things like practicality, security and power more than I otherwise would"

points towards Ni/Se valuing

"But still feel free to suggest alternative typings."

@Finaplex: unlike you, I assume that the person I am writing to is intelligent enough to interpret my words carefully and make their own conclusion, while you seem like an over-emotional, toxic asshole.

Do you even know ESTjs? lmao you don't know what you are talking about. ESTjs are hard core Te and Te can be just as pushy as any Se type. Plus I think you are missing the point of what she was eluding to. Its because you can't understand people, like at all. Security, praticality, power", did you even stop to have her explain what she means by those words? Power has many connotations, same with security, ect?

You don't and thats because you have no people skills and you have no Socionics skill either.

Plus from what I've seen most people on this site dislike you and your type opinions. I mean I'm not winning any popularity contests, but at least I come by it honestly.

[on a peaceful hiatus]

>n-n-nobody likes you so your point is invalid!!11
>I'm going to derail the whole thread away from the topic to state my unimportant personal feelings towards someone but also claim I care about OP.

[Finaplex]

I try not to get defensive but it is getting a bit annoying. Am I only getting this because I'm "new"? It's not really adding much to the discussion imo

no its an ongoing issue. carry on.

[on a peaceful hiatus]

I try not to get defensive but it is getting a bit annoying. Am I only getting this because I'm "new"? It's not really adding much to the discussion imo

it's a thread about typology, many people are mistyped, so everyone is going to have their own opinion. you said other typings are ok.

[Finaplex]

>n-n-nobody likes you so your point is invalid!!11
>I'm going to derail the whole thread away from the topic to state my unimportant personal feelings towards someone but also claim I care about OP.

Don't worry alive, I've asked one to self ban me. I'll take my toxicity and go.

[on a peaceful hiatus]

Don't worry alive, I've asked one to self ban me. I'll take my toxicity and go.

do what you want. I probably affected you too much but tbh, I mostly get aggressive when someone attacks me first. people bring it onto themselves with their attitude.

[nifl]

I will do a typing questionnaire if it will settle this whole typing questioning thing.

it's a good idea. remember to include a video. your mannerisms are much harder to ''censor'' and as such they are highly useful for typing people you don't know personally.

Ni valuing I kind of get, Se is new. Always thought my Se polr is clear as day. That's what I cry about in my therapist's office all day boohoo lol

if you value Ni, you value Se. only, EII deal with Ni better than they do Se.

Edit - and I also don't give a damn about Fe really. I grit my teeth when I have to do it and I'd rather trash someone's party than smile and nod all night. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to be a d*ck.

Fi's normally value relational harmony. to ''trash someone's party'' and destroy that relation needlessly is a foreign attitude to them. they'd - especially EII, who are both introverts & Ne's - prefer to smile and nod, even if they do not like the person they're talking with. As they have Ne - who generally more cleverly understand and steer ''situations'' like this than other people - they'd be apt to find some excuse to not be close to them, rather than potentially get in a situation of direct conflict.

[Beautiful sky]

Trust me when I say that there are aspects of LSE that will annoy you too.

[Beautiful sky]

It's interesting that you seem consider the possibility of mistyping above all else. Why do you think the typing might be wrong and any suggestions as to what the correct typing/relationship might be?

On my end I'm fairly confident with EII. I have the benefit of knowing my own development to confirm it - when I was younger I was more stereotypical for sure. But I think the stereotype of EII (a dreamy doormat???) gets increasingly unrealistic as you age, especially if you've experienced major difficulty or trauma as I have. I think as a result I have been conditioned to perhaps prioritise things like practicality, security and power more than I otherwise would without these experiences, even though my fundamental mode of thinking/behaviour is still very EII I would say. But still feel free to suggest alternative typings.

On my bf's end, he's fairly stereotypical for an SLI in a lot of ways but there are admittedly discrepancies, mostly in the sense that he's a bit more outgoing and "weird" almost. I still get a good dose of Si + Te - he's very in his body and in the moment, very pragmatic, he's an engineer and loves making/fixing things, and it never fails to amaze me that he doesn't seem to have any of the thoughts/worries about the future that constantly fills my head. I have considered LSI or SLE but he isn't nearly as interested in hierarchies or power. I don't get any beta vibes from him. I might try to get him to do a typing but doubt I'd be able to convince him.

As for my father, he is a serial cheater and an abusive gaslighter. No amount of dualisation would save that, there's character flaw and there's CHARACTER FLAW. Interesting that again you've defaulted to criticizing the typing.

He will mistype you and everyone else and anyone you bring up that’s why I said don’t listen to him

[Muira]

Edit - and I also don't give a damn about Fe really. I grit my teeth when I have to do it and I'd rather trash someone's party than smile and nod all night. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to be a d*ck.

Who wants to be a dick? No one. I'd do the same, but wouldn't care. Hobbies over parties any day. Going to someone's party isn't as much as doing the things I actually enjoy, it's never really personal.

[Muira]

He will mistype you and everyone else and anyone you bring up that’s why I said don’t listen to him

Alive typed me as IEI as well

[Muira]

You must be because you're on this forum, haven't you heard this place is full of IEI's?

Yes, and I am likely not iei. I just like interacting with some people here. How about you?

[Finaplex]

do what you want. I probably affected you too much but tbh, I mostly get aggressive when someone attacks me first. people bring it onto themselves with their attitude.

Spoken like a true gaslighter.

[Riven]

I get that this is supposedly just a rant but still I don't get what kind of information you expect to get.

Do you really think your reasons for being unfulfilled are simple socionics reasons, or could maybe there be something else in the game?

"I don't think this is worth breaking up for though". Yeah for sure, but have you considered breaking up or is this just your assumption of what people would extrapolate when reading your post?

Like you said, there is so much outside of socionics. I personally find the theory relevant in contexts in which there isn't an extreme proximity to the other person, to be used as a guideline to allow the relationship to develop in a smooth way until the point you know enough about the person to see them as simply an individual. Which I'd like to believe is the state of your relationship with your boyfriend.

[loopyclouds]

I don't get what kind of information you expect to get.

She said it in the post, she wants to hear if any of us have had similar experiences to her. It's a good way to help one make a decision on something - gather information about similar experiences from other people, perhaps glean new perspectives or viewpoints that could have been a blindspot to one otherwise, then make the decision on one's own. Of course socionics is not the sole factor in relationship dynamics, but it is a significant one, so no harm in asking people for their relationship experiences through a socionics lens.

[Riven]

She said it in the post, she wants to hear if any of us have had similar experiences to her. It's a good way to help one make a decision on something - gather information about similar experiences from other people, perhaps glean new perspectives or viewpoints that could have been a blindspot to one otherwise, then make the decision on one's own. Of course socionics is not the sole factor in relationship dynamics, but it is a significant one, so no harm in asking people for their relationship experiences through a socionics lens.

I can't help unfortunately since I haven't been in a similar situation then.

[Beautiful sky]

Back to this point... Can you give some examples please? Snap me out of my grass is greener on the other side syndrome

I’ll work on a list for you

[Ruby13357]

I can emphasize, although I must say my boyfriend is most definitely still making my life better, but maybe just that tiny bit short of the ideal. Is it really so clear cut? Surely every interaction is a chance to learn - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc etc?

I just think there is so much outside of socionics. Say you get really lucky and find someone who's the right match for your type AND subtype. But would he also be physically attracted to you and vice versa, would your lifestyle and financial situation be compatible, would you be in similar life stages, etc? Can you really ever find the perfect one?

There is a saying that the perfect is the enemy of the good and that's something I remind myself quite often

Idk, but I'm going by my parents' marriage. They're activity types in socionics and my mom often ends up saying that she has married the wrong person. She says that her and my dad used to be very loving with each other before marriage, but everything had changed after their marriage.

Their marriage, although workable, doesn't seemed like a very happy one. They used to fight a lot during my childhood days, although the both of them had mellowed out a lot now. When they get along with each other, they get along really well like a pair of good friends. But when they fight, the fights would get so bad that they had mentioned about divorce before, but decided to stay together for the kids.
Activity relations although workable for marriage and partnership and raising children together and staying together for decades, but the marriage might not necessarily be a happy one.
I think activity relations would get along much better if they just date each other but not marry.

I find activity relations is more suited for leisure purpose, such as two people travelling together and going on a holiday together, rather than for the serious stuffs such as marriage and raising kids together.

[Ruby13357]

Out of curiosity what do they fight about and why do you think they wouldn't if they were duals?

They fight about all sorts of stuffs, from work-related stuffs all the way to social-related stuffs. Back when my dad still had a job, my mom would get upset that my dad is a workaholic and had been neglecting her. They would get into some really huge yelling matches, my mom would chase my dad out of the bedroom, and then my dad would sleep on the couch and go to work next day. And then when my dad retired from his job, my mom would start to nag at him for keeping in contact with some "bad influences", she would ask to look at my dad's phone, and then my dad would start to flare up at my mom for not respecting his privacy, and then they would get into huge yelling matches with each other and my mom would go on a hunger strike until my dad "submits" to her and apologise to her.
It's so funny they're in their 70s and their marriage had managed to survive for 50 years but they're still having those huge yelling matches with each other about all sorts of nonsensical stuffs. They're like that old unromantic pair of couple who were together for decades and who loves each other but had yelling marathons with each other all the time.

Duals are a lot different. My brother and his wife are duals. I used to live together with them too for about a year after they had gotten married and their marriage is so peaceful I've never seen them fighting the entire 12-months that I've lived together with them. Now they've had some fights before marriage but the worst fight they ever had was when my brother gave silent treatment to his dual wife and then his dual wife would go all the way out to patch up their relationship.

I find that every couples, whether duals or not, would have fights.
But the intertype would determine how the couples fight with each other.

Activity relations: Both people get mad at each other at the same time, both people would raise voices at each other, fights could last for prolonged periods of time, and fights could last from days to weeks. But when the couple patched up, they really patched up with each other and became good friends again.
Dual relations: Both people would fight but never get mad at each other at the same time. When one raises voice, the other remains calm. When one is feeling mad, the other would pacify. Fights never last for prolonged periods of time, and couples usually patched up within a few days. The couple is truly each other's best friends.

[Beautiful sky]

Back to this point... Can you give some examples please? Snap me out of my grass is greener on the other side syndrome

Ok so my dual and I have differences in political ideology. I'm liberal, he's conservative republican. We have arguments or rather disagreements on who should lead the country. It's darn annoying for me as loving as I am of people to be with someone who doesn't like every kind of people as one. He strongly differentiates the republican leadership as superior and I loath it. When he speaks about Trump and what a great president he was I throw up in my mouth. This difference for us doesn't make me very agreeable and doesn't make our conversation smooth and jolly. Makes my heart burn and kills even the most beautiful of every walks when politics comes up.

We have strong differences in raising a child but after 4 years of me shoving my foot in his mouth he finally understands how important it is to not raise a child as he was raise but rather raising a child with a loving manner of relating. That's been a source of more than one fight from me but I stand my ground and I'm no body's push over. It's so much better for the emotional health of my daughter now that he's not this authoritarian figure who lays down the law and steps all over her emotions but that he acknowledges she's a growing child who needs explanation and security above all of his authoritarian bull shit.

We have differences in the type of life style we want to lead. I'm a city girl. I love bigger cities that offer culture arts dancing classes etc. He's a hill billy country fly the republican flag life style kind of guy. We fight about where we want to live and where we want to retire. Life he wants me to be cooped up in the country side next to him and no known extended family until he dies and what about me after that? He can not see what my life will be. His selfishness in many things is a growing battle for himself and for me. He is extremely level 12 selfish as are probably 100 percent of all LSEs and Selfishness is a battle for someone so giving and selfless as EII are. We give but want compromise and concessions. We want the other person to be just as selfless because that is the only way wonderful relationships can work. NOT one sided.

[Expansion]

Love languages are valuing the same things, and by staying with the same Feeling and Thinking functions means there is no cross-talk or translating to each other. You know the speak, without thinking about it.

My wife is SEI and we get along, and knowledge of Si has helped me understand how they role. I am an Se type and somewhat impatient, but Si is a very patient function. I'm on the clock, she is off in another world where time stands still. Now i know why.

All in all i notice IRL that T an F same functions pair, organically. My mom and dad are Fe/Ti: SLE mother (late) and LSI dad. If if see an ESE in fam. the other is LSI. Not a dual, but they speak the same language. Ne vulnerable and Ni vulnerable might dovetail the 2, IDK. My friend is LSI with his dual. They get along like a comedy team, btw.

My grandmother and her husband are ESFP and SLI and it worked well. ( Late btw.) I think the Se gets them out the door. They are house-body statues. (No offense, just a little humor, but somewhat true.)

I have a large circle of acquaintances, and LSE are paired to their dual. Just 2 i can think of. They are Si types so they are "nice." Te types are just as rough as SLE types. *Crack the whip emoji*

There are exceptions to the language paring where high T types with bottom feeling give it a go. ENTJ and LII, they enjoy the complementary thinking. ENTJ women here.

Not everything is in-stone and there are exceptions.

Just thought i'd share some anecdotes, and use what is useful for you.

[thistle]

I don't have a similar experience within an activity relation specifically, but if for instance if each person was more at the poles of Rational/Irrational dichotomy I feel it could take longer to reach relationship milestones.

The main example that came to mind was when you're making plans for things to do together, you're not quite as in sync as two irrationals (or two rational types) would be. One person has more readiness and the other prefers more spontaneity.

If your boyfriend thinks you've got a handle on the situation already, maybe he'd be less inclined to offer a nudge or mobilise from his chilled out mode into a "get stuff done" mode?

[idol]

I see a break up happening soon. Is your sex life satisfying ?

When a woman says she needs more assertiveness, i read that as seeing your partner as not man enough hence a break up is likely. Especially when she writes about this online.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

You need to teach & top train him that you need him to be more dominate with you. Idealistically most str8 men want to turn on their partners and will try to man up in order to please you at least hopefully anyway. But it's much better to have a nicer guy be more dominant than try to make a dominant person more nicer even tho it seems most str8 women get in the latter situations. /hides.

I really relate/understand with the need of a needing a guy to just be a real man and dominate you animalistically and carnally but taken into a vacuum that just leads to STDs and heartbreaks and whining incessantly to your brother about how assholes can't be nice too and not emotional fulfilling. If people are really nice, they know that sometimes people get turned on by people slapping them and spitting on their face. /rubs Fractals.

[Sol]

You need to teach & top train him that you need him to be more dominate with you.

By strong valued functions people always tend to "dominate" as are assured in own opinion there, have the attention on that and an interest to improve the existing there. And basic skills there are good, in average. For nonvalued strong regions the said is lesser, but significant too.
A wish for "teaching" is expected when functional region is weak or nonvalued strong. In case it's weak - to get there "dominating" is a problem, though for narrow applications some skills and behavior can be improved not badly.

In case a situation happens in S region as sex ("NSFW" was mentioned) - it's doubtful that after long communication someone with N will be perceiving someone with S as not "dominating". As it's assured region for 2nd and a region of doubts for 1st, so 2nd will tend to lead.
Also, after a time the behavior of both in a pair may become lesser differing in this. When N will be reducing the initiative, the S will be taking the control back.

If that was about sexual role games with boss/subordinating roles then the situation is different. And this s&m interest would be among arguments for Se valued type.

[Kurt Gabin]

That's what I cry about in my therapist's office all day boohoo lol

I also don't give a damn about Fe really

[thistle]

You're definitely right about the planning - it is definitely something we struggled with early on. For me I like to know what we're doing in advance. If we go out for dinner I'll be reading the menu online by lunchtime and emotionally preparing myself for it. My boyfriend does this "let's go for a walk and see what we see" and it stressed the hell out of me lol!

And I think you're also right - I'm guessing here but I feel like my boyfriend doesn't feel a need to jump in because he thinks things are still under control. I am a procrastinator and he would sometimes say things to me like "you've not achieved much all morning but you somehow still manage to do a good job overall." He tells me he's trying to say "my amazing girlfriend doesn't need to work her arse off to achieve a good result because she's smart and knows what she's doing", but it really irritates me because I feel like "well you should have helped motivate me right then instead of bitching about it afterwards!".

You're spot on thistle!

Yeah, that sounds frustrating and I get it. it's like you're acting at cross-purposes to each other when trying to do what's comfortable for you.
My longest relationship was with an SEE and he would do things like suggest about an hour before we usually have dinner "let's try out that new restaurant in (somewhere a long car drive away)".

He knew that we had our favourite casual local restaurants which we would visit time to time and understood that was my comfort zone, but he found it trying that I would not be willing to experiment with new tastes at a short notice. He would go to the new exotic restaurants with his friends but it was something he wanted to experience with me, his partner. The thing is, if I had been given more time, our plans could have worked out. So in the case of our relationship the friction was due to him being too fast and me being too slow. We weren't in the same place of "desire" at the same time.

You said that it was a problem in your relationship early on, so did you find a way to make decisions together?
I personally like to be provided with a handful of options to choose from (e.g. restaurants). Because then I know upfront what's possible, plus there is a selection.

For the part where you quoted him, "my amazing girlfriend doesn't need to work her arse off to achieve a good result because she's smart and knows what she's doing" . In saying that he's not necessarily seeing that you may have exerted a lot of effort - albeit at the last minute if you procrastinated up til then.
I don't know. I don't want to seem like a know-it-all about your relationship.

Also I'm drawing on my own experience when it comes to people saying I'm doing fine, while internally I'm thinking "I don't really know what I'm doing...help". I reckon that is not type/s related.

[Beautiful sky]

Thanks for this list - these are very much the stuff that reminds me to not get lost in duality theory and remember what I have! I have to admit I can't imagine ever dating someone with such different political views, dual or not. I don't mind some political differences - my boyfriend is a typical UK privately educated Conservative voter and I am somewhat socialist and ideologically against private schools, etc etc. But we are still both what you would call centrists - he likes Conservative primarily for low tax and he's by no means a far right activist, and I do end up acting like the average Conservative-supporting British middle class in day to day life most of the time (for example I will definitely be sending my future children to private schools despite my ideological beliefs, just because I want them to have a good education and I've got to work with what I have). Somewhat compatible worldview and beliefs to me is more important than socionics type pairing for sure.

Lifestyle wise though this is where I feel more difference, I don't think it is entirely type-related but I think it is a factor! My boyfriend loves walking I assume it must be good Si simulation for him, but we would travel to a tropical country and his ideal day would be to walk for 5 hours in the 30 degree sun. I noped right out of it lol.

But the selfishness point is interesting. To be honest I quite often feel like a flawed human in a world of angels among fellow EIIs - I know I can be pretty selfish! A lot of the times I am happy to make sacrifices simply because I don't really care if it's just a little bit inconvenience. But other times, if I really want something (say if I have a strong craving for Korean for dinner), usually my boyfriend will be the one backing off to let me have what I want

I have to balance this with my list of positives