Correct me if i wrong about anything.
I guess i feel this annoyance every time people make me guilty for not understanding the 'social norms'. For years, since i was a kid i think i do not usually know what people want, desire, what's their motive and what proper action should i do? Actually, i always think that kind of thing is something everyone must say so people could understand? But then my parents seems never satisfied with my inability to relate for what they want and asked me to figure it out more so i know before they told me to. My mom yelled to me back then "do you need to be programmed to understand it?" but deep down i really want to shout "of course, isn't that your duty??" because i think it's all about me being a kid who has no experience whatsoever.
I ended up thinking that i have to understand everyone in order to be accepted, so i started to observe what everyone wants, and what everyone thinks, based on what they do and their aspirations. Every single one is a special case for me, i behave with them based on what kind of reaction they probably expect me to give. Most of the time I often ask what they feel and what they expect from people in some scenarios. But it's so tiring to do it to many people. I do that effectively with my circle but not in a large community so i always ended up alienated, give them basic reactions and go because i don't understand everyone there, so i think such relationships will never work and i don't feel like i belong there. But the thing is i DO want to be involved in such activities with everyone, i'm craving the need to get so many experiences and possibilities in this world so i showed up in many communities and then disappeared in no times without any trace, because i don't really know why i should keep being there without any bond.
And everything has started to be more confusing since college. Guess that my friends valuing Fi except me. I caught by them as confrontational, arguing, and insensitive while i don't mean that. (And being chaotic and silly at the same time but generally i have no problem with it.)
My friend with Fe PoLR keep warn me for thinking about other people's feelings more and said that my reactions are too strong sometimes. But i think isn't it okay to spice things up sometimes, it's not that i feel the real aggression at times, it just how i express my excitement. But i guess she just feels irritated with a strong reaction due to her PoLR so i try to consider it more, it's not like i want to pick a fight with them so i need to be calm if needed.
Also about my friendship with my friend (i typed her as EII). Everything is chill in the beginning. But then she looks like expected something from me as a friend but i don't really understand. Rather than saying things directly even when i'm asked, she is more likely to make me feel guilty for never understand her. She made me feel obligated to understand what she feels and i feel manipulated somehow. When I took my own time to reflect on myself and not being with her for a week, she assumed that i have a problem with her, and keep pointing out how no one ever on her side on SNS. Up until the point i don't know how to explain it with her. Our friendship was going awkward for a month but now we're kinda good.
Then there's another Fi user said to me how they hate someone to make sense the viewpoints that don't morally sound in front of me, and i was just thinking-- but why you want me to pick a side, why you want me to feel bad for one thing but not for the other without any reason or explanation? Just because it doesn't up to your moral standards? I wonder why it's easy for them to know what to feel for something they mostly don't know how to explain at all? Is it what someone expected me to be? To pick a side?
The thing is i do want to understand but please stop makes me guilty for not knowing. Maybe i'm the weird one. They want me to understand but it's not like they even want to hear me in exchange anyway.
Sorry for messing so hard with this one, lol. I'm frustrated for how normal bonding with everyone never works for me how hard i try, and i don't know where to spill anymore.