@coeruleum hey it looks like you need a friend so I'm jsut gonna say that somewhere, deep down inside, you are probably a beautiful human being. i hope you can get some therapy or counseling that will help you guide yourself through all the trials and tribulations that life throws at you. nobody knows the cross you bear better than yourself, so please don't take this as condescending or me trying to troll. everyone deserves to be happy and feel self-fulfilled, and i'm sorry you can't find that here, but keep trying. i'm too lazy to google image search right now so just pretend this sentence is a jpg of that motivational poster with the little kitten clinging to a branch by a single paw with the caption "hang in there!"