Does "tough love" motivation work on you?

[squark]

I appreciate this distinction, given that this thread is inquiring into "Tough Love" I understand where You're coming from. I would also argue that not all valuable lessons in life are presented benevolently. Often in life, we can grow too comfortable. For some, having their mettle tested is productive, and even for those who find it grating, there can be a reordering of priority and focus. It is true that hot iron can bend to the point of breakage, but cold, unused iron rusts. A ripple is a ripple, and even those making waves can teach us important lessons. Our attitude is as important to our own benefit as that which is seen as done onto us. Growth and clarity sometimes comes from the most unexpected of places.

Yes, agreed. In my opinion life is about overcoming obstacles, meeting the challenges before you and conquering them. And there's a lot of stuff that is hard, it's not all light and fluffy. Nor is it always presented in a nice package.

What was that story - it was a story told in a movie or something about the little bird that was cold and yelling, and a cow came by and pooped on it, making it all warm and saving it's life, then a coyote came by, pulled it out of the shit and ate it. With the moral being that not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, or trying to hurt you, and not everyone who pulls you out of the shit is your friend. Anyway, that's true too, that sometimes what looks like help isn't, and what looks like harm isn't. And also sometimes people are trying to toughen you up for your own good. However. . . I don't think that's what was going on in the clip. IMO.

An example from my own life. . . someone close to me was in an accident, badly hurt and I was taking care of them as they recovered. At first they actually needed me to do everything for them, from cutting their food to wiping their ass, they physically couldn't do it themselves. But, as they grew stronger I made them do more and more things on their own. They complained at me, sometimes begging me to do it, but I knew they could do it for themselves, and I told them so, refusing to do for them what they could do themselves. And they did. Everything I thought they could do, they were able to do without my help, they just needed the push to do it. One time in public I made them open a door for themselves and go through it. When I wouldn't do it, they started begging passersby to help them, until some "kind" person gave in. It wasn't kind. It was holding them back. And sometimes helping someone is just holding them back. But, to those people walking by, I'm sure I looked like some kind of cruel abuser, and man, the looks I got. . . that was sometimes hard to take, their eyes saying, "You horrible woman abusing that poor helpless handicapped person" the accusation in their glares. So yeah, sometimes too you have to look like the bad guy to do the most good. And they did want to be able to do these things themselves - it wasn't like I was trying to make them do something they didn't ultimately want anyway.

But I've never found it necessary or desirable to tell anyone they were worthless scum, and I don't think that's how you help a person find their own strength. Instead, that's how you make a person dependent on you. Tell them they have to earn their worth from you, and you create someone willing to do anything to please you, or angry enough to "prove you wrong" that they'll do whatever you want in order to dig their way out of that deficit you've created. Tell them they're strong enough without you, and you give them independence and the ability to find strength within themselves they may not have known they had.

[Memento Mori]

Thank You for sharing that very personal and illustrative story with us, @squark . I appreciate both Your patience with them, as well as Your methods. You were right to endure their glares, as Yours was the lasting lesson.