Blame protects your ego.
In a way,
blaming is form of social comparison that is status-seeking. If you blame someone, it puts you in the superior seat, making you feel more important and the ‘good’ person as opposed to their ‘bad’.
Of course some people use blaming to make themselves a victim. This is really still an ego move, as when you are in ‘poor me’ mode it means you get everyone else’s attention, and are still the ‘good’ person.
Whether you are using blame to be superior or a victim, both come from a lack of self-esteem. The question to ask might even be not so much ‘why am I blaming’, as ‘why do I feel so bad about myself I have to blame others to feel better?’
What are you losing out on by blaming?
If you want to think that blaming is not something to worry about, think again. Blaming others can have long term consequences on your life and personality.
1. Your personal growth.
blame definition
By: Celestine Chua
Blame is a defence. And spending time constantly defending ourselves is really a part-time job that also leaves us shut down to what others have to offer us in terms of lessons and growth.
2. Your power.
By making everything everyone else’s fault you are actually making yourself powerless. Think about it – if everything is someone else’s fault, then that means you don’t have the power to change anything, as they have the reins.
3. Your empathy.
If you use blame to avoid accountability, you are also avoiding speaking truthfully about how you feel and accepting and listening to how others feel. Constantly sidestepping this powerful, vulnerable process of negotiating and communicating means you are not likely to develop empathy for others. In fact research shows that it’s narcissists, with their self-obsessed attributes, who are prone to blame more than others.
4. Healthy relationships.
Given that blame sidesteps healthy communication, which relationships need to thrive, it’s not surprising that if you are a blamer it’s likely you don’t have strong relationships with others. Blaming others is a way of putting people down so naturally it is also a great way to instead push people away, or create a dangerous environment where there is no trust and the other person can’t relax as they always feel judged and devalued.
5. Your positive influence on others and yourself.
Blame has been found by a recent study to be contagious. If you blame, those around you are more likely to then turn and blame others for things. In other words, you are spreading the tendency to avoid responsibility to those around you, both at work and at home. Think about the implications that brings, especially if you have young children or are in a position of leadership where others look up to you.
And you are having a negative influence on yourself as well. Blamers were found to be more ego defensive and also chronically insecure. So the more you blame, the less your sense of self worth.
What to do if you are caught in the blame game
So what can you do if you realise you are too quick to blame?
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