I need help with typing myself.

[ruki]

I need help figuring out my type. after months of (casual) reading into socionics, and some superficial introspection, I have concluded I fit generally into ESE. but I often doubt my own judgment, and I'm very unsure of myself, (and also intellectually dependent on others, but more on that later lol) I wanted a second opinion. I'll be listing off random observations of my behavior/cognition/some things about myself off the top of my head, and I hope the more knowledgeable people here could assess me based on those things. I know that it isn't enough to really understand someone and you could never really know a stranger through some post online, but like I said, I just need a second opinion/perspective to get some insight and this post is rather an experimental attempt to help me in typing myself correctly. and since the information may not be enough, I give liberty to assume things about me/my personality or nature based on what I say/claim about myself, and I also would like complete/brutal honesty, maybe I'd find out something I didn't realize about myself before. but just give a heads-up when you type me based on those assumptions. I'm a bit young, and my identity is unclear and unstable, sorry if I may come across as inept in describing/explaining myself, and excuse me if I make mistakes/contradicting statements, I really don't know myself that well and just say whatever comes to mind. I rant and ramble a lot, and I would often go on random tangents. so, if this post is too long for you, and you want to comment, just read the first part of every paragraph or skim through it, and give your take if you'd like.

- I'm generally very indecisive due to the fear of being wrong, so I often fall into this state of ambivalence about most things. I hate assuming things quickly/making hasty judgments. paradoxically, though, I hate uncertainty very much, and I'm very impulsive and would rush into things/judge quickly. and most of the time I tend to think quickly about things and I'm very impatient with sitting down and thinking with myself/introspection, and I generally hate thinking about things for an extended period of time, because I often feel like I already get the jist of it and I want to move on. and I would assume/judge rapidly and excessively in situations of anxiety or fear if that makes sense. I'm a hypochondriac, and I think in terms of 'what if' a lot (maybe just as a precaution), so I would often assume the worst, or at least the possibility of a terrible disease/prospective event would loom over my head all the time that I would find myself considering it and panicking, and would need reassurance/evidence that it isn't true. and I often have this paranoid thing where I project my thoughts and fears into others and think they see me in a certain way/badly, and read into remarks, things, and situations too much and sometimes things that just aren't there, which makes me very socially anxious and shy, which I generally am. when decisions are too complex or difficult to make, I would go back into indecisiveness and procrastinate/postpone it for a long time because I feel it is too burdensome/big for me. just to add, even though I said I think quickly, I do tend to overthink quite a lot. I used to have a good understanding and my thoughts and ideas would flow into a smooth, coherent picture of things, but nowadays, I feel very confused and my thoughts are incoherent and scattered, so I tend to think deeply and slowly about things more than I used to, I guess.

- I think I am socially perceptive and understand atmospheres, societal rules/etiquette, and what people are thinking or feeling through their expressions, body language, and what they say, even though sometimes my perception could be warped due to anxiety. I don't think I completely understand and get others, it's rather a situation-by-situation basis (does that sentence even make sense? not sure). mentioning social anxiety, although I fear social interactions due to my low self-esteem and lack of any social experience, I think I'm social in the way that when I am in an environment I'm comfortable in, I am very energetic and talkative, to the point of annoying/irritating those around me, I cannot sit still and always have to do something. I always like to do something with my body and I love physical activities. I also really love singing, and it's childish, but I would start singing and humming randomly every day, it's become a habit of mine for years. I think I know how to make others enjoy themselves and be entertaining, and would often use silly/shocking humor to create an energetic or comfortable atmosphere if that makes sense. I think I'm quite expressive, I tend to speak fast when I'm excited or general to get all the words out before I forget to the point of being incomprehensible to others, I would also express and describe things excessively like I'm doing right now in this post, lol, to leave no room for doubt I think. I always share anything that I've learned or seen, and anything that comes to mind with others, and it's hard to keep anything to myself. I like to share my interests and likes and dislikes a lot, and if given the chance, I would sit and speak for hours about them. in general, I really can't sit alone with myself and without talking to someone, it drives me insane. though, I am afraid of being sincere/honest/vulnerable with others, and like to keep certain thoughts and aspects of myself, to myself. and I hate it so much and feel genuinely indignant when others notice and find out those things about me without me telling them, especially when they point it out and act like they know who I am because they can be spot-on sometimes, which makes me feel even more upset. I tend to hide things that I would feel would cause problems in my relations, however, when I'm nervous, it's impossible to control my expressions and keep naturally playing a persona, and people just know, it's really hard to hide things, lol. although I love attention, I hate directing focus to me/being in the spotlight to not disappoint those who are interested in listening to me because I think I would be too dull or boring for them, but that's a common experience I think. I would also get others to talk about themselves a lot so they would enjoy the validation I give them and in turn, enjoy my company.

- I'm very envious of others, and anyone who I perceive as better than me, especially in terms of intelligence and personality, specifically someone similar to me in certain areas. I would become very upset and frustrated. it's to the point where only envy and the desire to become better are the only things that motivate me to get better or work hard. I often feel this need to be better, I cannot accept the idea that I can be below others. I guess I'm entitled/egotistic in a way. I also feel envious of people belonging to similar groups as me and the same age having had more experiences in life.

- I'm very intellectually dependent and generally lack any kind of dependence, unfortunately. I'm probably going too hard with the self-criticism, but I'm quite conforming and fear social judgment/pressure, and particularly shame, so I would be unwilling/afraid to voice a differing/controversial opinion and affect people's opinion and favor towards me. I'm very self-conscious about how I am perceived, and I hate disappointing others. and even though I hold socially "unacceptable" opinions and think others are wrong, I would let them be and just agree for the sake of harmony, and even feed into their wrong beliefs with anecdotes and remarks to please them, even if I, mentally, vehemently disagree, as I really want to be liked by others/people-pleasing. it's a bit like I don't bother explaining myself because I know I can't defend myself properly/feel unsafe, and no one will get it, and it's better to make others happy and/or okay with me. it's hard for me to be sincere and "raw" in face-to-face or overly personal interactions because it seems I haven't met people yet who are understanding or that I'm completely comfortable with. however, I'm comfortable in expressing myself and being vulnerable and honest to an extent in non-personal interactions and relationships, like speaking to strangers on the internet like this, I feel like I can be as liberated and "shameless" as I want, and I honestly have always wished for a group of people where I could be brutally honest and straightforward, and who would accept and understand me, where I could freely express myself in all aspects and to be understood completely without being attacked or having to act defensively. and I have this problem where I would focus on conforming to the collective thought and the majority's opinions out of the (stupid) mindset that, because it's popular, it is often the right opinion. so, when I hold a differing opinion or a thought, it would frequently be squashed and ignored in my mind quickly, and I would adopt others' mindsets/opinions. and when I see others speaking out confidently with the same ideas I was afraid to speak for, I feel bad about myself and frustrated for being such a sheep/lacking confidence, lol. it seems that I often am weak/impatient in terms of logic and often leave the thinking for others, and I would need to seek validation for any observation I make or conclusion I reach. and even then, I also rely on others with ethical issues, where I would wait for others to decide/discuss if something is "good or bad/right or wrong" before I take my stance. this type of behavior is also present in my interests/hobbies. it's a little weird, but I would find myself paying attention to the reception of the media I consume, and I would get a kick out of watching others enjoy/appreciate something even if my true level of interest is low, and my interest/liking to that thing would increase drastically when it's well-liked. on the opposite end, if the reception is bad, it would heavily influence my opinion even if I personally liked something or thought it was good. I would think maybe I didn't pay attention/didn't notice something about said media, and chalk it up to lacking media literacy, I'm intellectually dependent in that aspect also, where I would trust others' minds more than my own due to insecurities around my intelligence probably. but contrastingly, when I truly like something, or have a hobby/interest, I'm quite weirdly possessive and competitive about it, like it's my work/duty, and hate that others consume/enjoy it the same way as I do, and I hate the thought that someone understands and appreciates my interests more than me. it's like I attribute it to my identity, and no one else could have it. this is probably to compensate for something, maybe it's that I feel like I lack any redeemable qualities and need to compensate (sorry for using this word so many times.) for my lack of self-worth. I'm trying to change this, as it's a detestable and bothersome trait that I would not like to be at the receiving end of. if you've read this far, I'm sure you really dislike me based on this.

- I also think I lack real intellectual curiosity, and that I am more superficial than I'd like to admit to myself. I used to take pride in my intelligence but now I am very insecure about it and have feelings of inferiority regarding my competence. now, it feels like I try hard to sound and seem smart and "deep" to make up for those feelings. I often get into philosophical/metaphysical discussions and make up theories about random things, and talk a lot of jargon probably in a silly attempt to feed my ego, and rather use it to "Adorn" my identity and personality, which is something I do a lot. I'm also very afraid of being dumb, and if I notice any slight difference in my cognitive performance, I panic over becoming dumber. if I'm not satisfied with my mind/mental state, life just becomes completely pointless/meaningless for me.

- I like to think I, or at least used to (I now have a bad case of brain fog, lol) make sharp observations. I also used to think I make connections and gauge fundamental ideas/patterns well, but now I suffer from brain fog and I don't think I'm like that anymore. and, for what it's worth, my sister told me I'm good at analysis, and criticism too. it boosted my ego because it is related to my intelligence. (kind of the same as "my mom told me I'm handsome" but she totally meant it, I swear!)

- I'm often cheerful/stable and don't like to linger for too long in states of despair and pessimism and I hate that kind of mindset because I see it's too pointless and people should focus and seek the good things in life. it's just an automatic thought for me, though I know it's too superficial. But I do really hate negativity and staunchly cold and pessimistic things. in the media, like books or movies, I consume, I prefer more "hopeful," intense, and emotionally charged storylines that focus on people and interpersonal affairs, and I find myself not very interested in detached and cold, plot-driven, intellectual works even if well-written, if that makes sense. even if the narrative is inherently meant to be melancholic/tragic, I would enjoy the intensity and dramatism of it, as long as it is involved with the characters and their feelings. I guess I'd enjoy it/get immersed only as long as it's emotionally expressive, to a degree.

- my feelings towards others and level of empathy are swayed by my mood at the moment, I disconnect from people when I'm troubled or in a bad mental state, where I just focus on myself and disregard others. I would even lose interest and feelings towards people I care about sometimes when I'm not in a very good mood, but maybe it is due to other mental issues or an unstable connection with others.

- I consider myself open-minded to a degree, and I don't have any strong opinions, and it's easy for me to change my mind unless it is something that restricts my desires and freedom. otherwise, I don't put too much value on any opinion because I'm never certain of anything/don't really believe anything is constant. I also feel like I'm really malleable logically and ethically, and can be swayed and influenced by others heavily. I would often speak out in extremes, and say things I don't mean, but in my mind, I never really seriously judge someone on their actions, moral-wise, and I don't think I inherently think of anyone as good or bad, or rather, my opinions are dictated by the judgments of others in that case. it might just be my sense of morality hasn't developed fully yet. I'm not very logical/moralistic in my decisions, and often just follow my heart and desires, and when I judge others, it is situational and depending on the person, and I tend to be subjective/emotional. All in all, I do not find myself often, I won't say rarely, getting upset at a perceived wrongdoing of another person, I don't get seriously angry or feel vengeful, though I used to be. but now more often I feel pity and sympathy for the wronged. when I do something that is perceived as wrong, I might use logic to justify/rationalize my behavior. it's not that I don't have values or principles, I do have a rather strong belief against hurting others and/or restricting their freedom and desires as I wish for myself, and people who do so or use violence for the sake of any idea, belief, ideology, etc., I just don't get, and the logic is fuzzy to me. I generally am averse to extremism of any kind, I feel that believing yourself to be so right is insane and dangerous, and I'm very open about criticizing the fault and/or illogicality in such mindsets. I tend to have the urge to be contrarian and contradict others who make definitive statements and claim things/make generalizations because I hate absolutes, but I'm unsure how prominent this trait is in me, though. I also tend to be passive-aggressive/ironic in arguments or when discussing controversial topics when I feel like I'm being shut down or unjustly oppressed. I'm unsure about any of this, or if it is true, honestly, I might just be rambling lol.

- I'm very unserious and carefree in my general interactions and communication style, often making silly jokes and quips, make fun out of, and finding humor in every and any situation, and can provoke and irritate others quite frequently. I feel like this "silly" persona is also a defense mechanism of sorts. however, when I'm meeting new people, I am very shy and polite, speak little and very quietly, and I would be very anxious.

- as a child, I used to be very angry, selfish, and demanding, and I would be stubborn and act out to get what I wanted. I had this mindset that when I wanted something, I could sway my parents at any time to get it. I used to be a brat and caused trouble for those around me. I was neurotic and very envious and would get very angry when my sister got more than me or perceived any favoritism, and I would demand the same things and treatment to become equal. now I'm more peaceful, and agreeable, and I rarely get angry, and it seems those feelings of entitlement and jealousy are more internalized now.

- I'm very messy and forgetful, so my environment is usually really disorganized. I lack interest in household chores or taking care of my surroundings, It's most likely just my laziness, but I'm very careless, probably because I don't consider it important or a priority at all. and I'm trying to work on that to not burden those around me, as I often leave those responsibilities for others to take care of, which I'm aware is shitty. I'm not diagnosed, and I doubt I have it, but I display behavioral symptoms of ADHD. I fidget and move a lot, I act and speak without thinking, very clumsy and uncoordinated and excessively vigorous in handling things, and consequently broke a lot of belongings and devices, and I'm generally "disruptive."

- my biggest fears are death and illness, or the process of dying from illness. it is extremely grim to me. in general, I'm just afraid of suddenly dying without realizing it when I'm so dissatisfied with myself and life and have not achieved anything. Also, the idea of death is quite lonely to me, it feels like my mind and consciousness is this shelter that protects me, or rather, all that I have. then when I die, nothing will be left of me, it's hard to explain, but it's like letting go of your form and mind and becoming nothing is, dare I say, scary.

- I'm sensitive to criticism, and any remark would stick with me for a long time, because I focus a lot on what others think of me, unsurprisingly. I guess it's because I have a fragile ego and I can be very self-centered and self-absorbed. I know how bad I am to an extent, yet I can be too defensive on things I know I should admit and work on. this is paradoxical but I lack self-awareness in the way that I know most of my flaws and character but I feel comfortable about it instead of really realizing and grasping how bad it is/how it comes off to others and negatively affects those around me, sometimes at least. I can fall into self-pity whenever I am attacked or such traits have been pointed out, and my "facade" has been torn down, even though I know I'm in the wrong, I still feel undeserving to be put in such an embarrassing and humiliating position. I hate being sincere because I'm afraid it would be used against me and change the dynamic of a relationship I have where it would feel almost patronizing. I hate that "I know who you are and what you're all about" feeling, I guess. it's almost like I fear others really understanding me because I know I'm not really good/not okay with myself. I would direct blame onto others/project my dissatisfaction and be indifferent to my wrongdoings in a way.

- because of my low self-esteem, as a self-defense mechanism of sorts, I beat someone to any criticism and use self-deprecating humor to seem immune to any criticism or insecurities I might get called out on, and it is also an attempt at practicing excessive humility to be more likable.

- other traits I hate in others are being hypocritical, unreasonable/illogical, excessively vengeful and hateful, extreme/cruel, using force with others, selfishness, phoniness, smugness insincerity, overconfidence, and egotism (I'm probably guilty of most of what I've listed off so far) I know these are generally dislikable traits, but they particularly tick me off, not much, just in comparison to any other trait in a person. I hate it when people act too haughty or separate, or like they are above others. I prefer a sense of community even though I'd like to be individualistic and "Special," but maybe I'm just resentful of actual special people lol. also, people who are too taciturn/mysterious provoke me a lot, I don't know why. like, why are you acting so smug, what are you hiding and what are you?!

- I'm very indulgent when it comes to food and eat for fun, out of boredom, and for enjoyment. I also use it to soothe myself and I eat excessively when distressed. I used to not be able to control myself, but when I started to worry about my weight and appearance, I could restrain myself now much better.

- I tend to group, categorize, and generalize people and see them in a certain way even if I'm aware of their unique character, but I almost intuitively believe/perceive they must have certain characteristics and nature if they belong to a certain group. but I do know it is idiotic and wrong, and I never treat others differently or think to based on such conceptions, and such thoughts would be followed with an automatic response of, "Not all x are y" in my mind. I'm trying to change and I want to treat others more as individuals.

- this is generic and probably unhelpful, but, I'm often very dissatisfied with my life and myself, and I want to improve and do better. I always sense that I do not do anything "Well enough" and did not live up to a certain expectation. I never do anything about these feelings, and never put in any effort, though, to the point where it seems like I'm actually content with how I am/my life.

I think I've made this long enough. what do you think? I'm sorry if my descriptions are too negative/distasteful as I'm just trying to be honest. my knowledge is actually still very limited on socionics, and I'm not familiar at all with this community, please be patient with me.

[nifl]

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