Romantic Compatibility of Instinctual Matches

[mclane]

So what’s the explanation behind all this?

It works that way. Check it you will see it's right. Props to you for coming up with this but you missed the proper relations.

[enno]

Hi Olimpia,

thanks for the excellent analysis of the instictual dynamics in relationships. I am a sx/so 5 (strong 3 and 8 components, strong second variant) and had some longer relationships with sp/sx women. It's absolutely true that they have the potential to soothe my dominant sx instinct and that there is sort of a mutual understanding due to the same energy direction. However, my personal experience is that this kind of compatibility is not a good basis for a lifetime relationship which includes family, kids and all that. The more the relationship moved from mere romantic encounter to making a living together, the different variants became a problem. It was always about priorities of both individuals that are just difficult to handle. The mutual understanding was not "bulletproof" in stressful everyday situations. Things like that show up when there is not much time left for togetherness. The desires were just too different. While this may be just a personal thing I feel that there is one real flaw in matching sx/so with sp/sx. The sx first partner enjoys this soothing effect. But what about the sp first partner? Reflecting my past relationships I feel that it must have been awful on the long run for my partners not to be understood in that soothing way. I mean, I am in good contact with my sp side and many people would perceive me als "self-preserving". But the first instinct is not only about that but rather about a symbolism around the themes of the respective variant. While I lead a successful and solid "self-preservational" life I am certainly lacking that kind of symbolism, giving an sp first person the right signals from time to time that I care about their personal wellbeing, security and so on. Living closely together with sp/sx partners was always like I couldn't do it right for them. And with their highly functional and balanced sx instinct they knew how to screw me up by withholding the certain kind of energy and symbolism I need. In times with less stress and more time we could bring that in balance again. I developed some empathy for the sp first insecurities... But this kind of re-arranging somehow felt like "why is that necessary, couldn't it just be naturally easy?". In fact, I would have been willing to do that "work". But what was even more difficult and really frustrating for me in the end was the lack of understanding for the so interest by my sp/sx partners. This was in the end really limiting. My natural flow of life as a sx/so is to reach out to people, make connections, be part of group dynamics, associations, having a fascination for might and power, connect to influential people in a group, become influential - and all that in an easy flow not as compulsive and nervous as among so first people. None of these desires were understood, not even a little bit. The dynamics was always like: If you care for such unimportant things, it means that you don't care for our wellbeing. For me this was a really hurtful signal, leading me to reply like "the connected society is part of the wellfare we both live in and would not be there if all people just cared for themselves in a secluded life".

To make my long story short: After all I found that the perfect relationship match is just the same instinctual stacking. My wive is also sx/so (so not as strong as in my stacking) and we seem to manage all things in life just easily without having to re-arrange. No conflict we had in many years ever got to the deep level of instinctual frustration. It's more like: How can we arrange our interests in a way that works for both. The really great thing is that the priorities are never in question and no one ever becomes abusive to the desires of the first instinct - because each one knows how hurtful it can be.

(I realize that the second instinct always has the potential to control people with the respective first instinct. I somehow know how to wrap so firsts around the finger and stay much cooler if the situation becomes difficult, just because I am not that needy regarding the maintenance of the status. On the long run I felt controlled by sx seconds in a similar way.)

In the end I think it depends on the life situation. I wouldn't want to miss the experience with sp/sx and it gave me the basis to get cooler with my first instinct. But it was really not the basis for eternity.

[Olimpia]

Hi Olimpia,

thanks for the excellent analysis of the instictual dynamics in relationships. I am a sx/so 5 (strong 3 and 8 components, strong second variant) and had some longer relationships with sp/sx women. It's absolutely true that they have the potential to soothe my dominant sx instinct and that there is sort of a mutual understanding due to the same energy direction. However, my personal experience is that this kind of compatibility is not a good basis for a lifetime relationship which includes family, kids and all that. The more the relationship moved from mere romantic encounter to making a living together, the different variants became a problem. It was always about priorities of both individuals that are just difficult to handle. The mutual understanding was not "bulletproof" in stressful everyday situations. Things like that show up when there is not much time left for togetherness. The desires were just too different. While this may be just a personal thing I feel that there is one real flaw in matching sx/so with sp/sx. The sx first partner enjoys this soothing effect. But what about the sp first partner? Reflecting my past relationships I feel that it must have been awful on the long run for my partners not to be understood in that soothing way. I mean, I am in good contact with my sp side and many people would perceive me als "self-preserving". But the first instinct is not only about that but rather about a symbolism around the themes of the respective variant. While I lead a successful and solid "self-preservational" life I am certainly lacking that kind of symbolism, giving an sp first person the right signals from time to time that I care about their personal wellbeing, security and so on. Living closely together with sp/sx partners was always like I couldn't do it right for them. And with their highly functional and balanced sx instinct they knew how to screw me up by withholding the certain kind of energy and symbolism I need. In times with less stress and more time we could bring that in balance again. I developed some empathy for the sp first insecurities... But this kind of re-arranging somehow felt like "why is that necessary, couldn't it just be naturally easy?". In fact, I would have been willing to do that "work". But what was even more difficult and really frustrating for me in the end was the lack of understanding for the so interest by my sp/sx partners. This was in the end really limiting. My natural flow of life as a sx/so is to reach out to people, make connections, be part of group dynamics, associations, having a fascination for might and power, connect to influential people in a group, become influential - and all that in an easy flow not as compulsive and nervous as among so first people. None of these desires were understood, not even a little bit. The dynamics was always like: If you care for such unimportant things, it means that you don't care for our wellbeing. For me this was a really hurtful signal, leading me to reply like "the connected society is part of the wellfare we both live in and would not be there if all people just cared for themselves in a secluded life".

To make my long story short: After all I found that the perfect relationship match is just the same instinctual stacking. My wive is also sx/so (so not as strong as in my stacking) and we seem to manage all things in life just easily without having to re-arrange. No conflict we had in many years ever got to the deep level of instinctual frustration. It's more like: How can we arrange our interests in a way that works for both. The really great thing is that the priorities are never in question and no one ever becomes abusive to the desires of the first instinct - because each one knows how hurtful it can be.

(I realize that the second instinct always has the potential to control people with the respective first instinct. I somehow know how to wrap so firsts around the finger and stay much cooler if the situation becomes difficult, just because I am not that needy regarding the maintenance of the status. On the long run I felt controlled by sx seconds in a similar way.)

In the end I think it depends on the life situation. I wouldn't want to miss the experience with sp/sx and it gave me the basis to get cooler with my first instinct. But it was really not the basis for eternity.

Thanks for sharing!

Yes ultimately, what matters more (in this case) is the psychological well-being and mental health level of the individual. I described in the article that in the case for matches like Sx/So with Sp/Sx, it is paramount that the Sp/Sx person is fairly healthy and well-balanced when it comes to their Sp instinct, so they do not require it from their partner. I'm assuming that your wife is mentally healthier and more balanced, without having to rely on you for personal fulfillment. That makes a huge difference. Average to unhealthy SX first couples burn each other out, so they actually tend to be not as common ime. But certainly, if they are both fulfilled in their lives, it can be a good match (speaking of Sx/Sp-Sx/Sp and Sx/So-Sx/So here). My recommendations are based on the assumption that most people are average to unhealthy. In that case, double SX first could be a disaster. Otherwise, everything is much easier to handle.

I'm curious... How do you handle SP instinct matters in family life? Because that is quite important. Based on my observations, couples who are both SP last tend to have a relatively "chaotic" family life, both partners not having a strong enough focus on self-preservational stability, though of course better mental health could mitigate that somewhat.

[enno]

Thanks for sharing!

Yes ultimately, what matters more (in this case) is the psychological well-being and mental health level of the individual. I described in the article that in the case for matches like Sx/So with Sp/Sx, it is paramount that the Sp/Sx person is fairly healthy and well-balanced when it comes to their Sp instinct, so they do not require it from their partner. I'm assuming that your wife is mentally healthier and more balanced, without having to rely on you for personal fulfillment. That makes a huge difference. Average to unhealthy SX first couples burn each other out, so they actually tend to be not as common ime. But certainly, if they are both fulfilled in their lives, it can be a good match (speaking of Sx/Sp-Sx/Sp and Sx/So-Sx/So here). My recommendations are based on the assumption that most people are average to unhealthy. In that case, double SX first could be a disaster. Otherwise, everything is much easier to handle.

I'm curious... How do you handle SP instinct matters in family life? Because that is quite important. Based on my observations, couples who are both SP last tend to have a relatively "chaotic" family life, both partners not having a strong enough focus on self-preservational stability, though of course better mental health could mitigate that somewhat.

That's a good question. Speaking for myself I would not say that I have a tendency to neglect sp matters. It's more like running down a stairway of sp matters and not thinking about the movements of my feet, usually running smoothly and elegantly. When I was in relationships with sp first partners it always felt like "watch your feet and don't take huge leaps, otherwise you'll stumble". Being together with my sp last wive allows me to just let it go without thinking so much. For her it's similar. There is nothing in our life one would consider chaotic. It's rather the opposite. But there is certainly sort of a nonchalance in this realm.

I guess that the most sp related topics like health, finances, home, safety and so on can also be approached with other variants. The sx concern with attractiveness, intensity, personal energy and charisma can after some initial life experience lead to a discovery of the supportiveness of sp matters. Making money supports your attractiveness and so does caring for your own health. Just personal energy is not very attractive for most people. But when an intense personal energy is combined with those sp related things, it's good. Working hard is a way of getting into an energetic flow...

It's just that the motivation and the way sp energy flows into all that is completely different compared to a dominant sp instinct. And this sort of symbolism is missing. What I really learned with sp first partners is that the desired symbols and ways of behavior related to sp topics can't be replaced by actual success in the same realm. Having enough money, a good job, a cozy home, a healthy lifestyle and so on does not really calm a dominant sp instinct when not being combined with a certain way of expressing and handling it. (And in fact some sp firsts I know are of symbols related to sp matters while having a ruinous lifestyle, working too much and in the wrong position out of security concerns, eating junk food, ...)

Also, the instinctual compatibility with a partner seems to make it much easier to reach the last instinct. My sp instinct could suffer when my first and possibly second instinct would be heavily frustrated, not when everything is in a good flow.