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Thread: Final Fantasy Abridged

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    Default Final Fantasy Abridged

    @Suzaku
    Chapter 1: The New Light Order

    The sky was orange and felt a curious mixture of ominous doom and new hope.

    “It feels strange how doom and hope can exist so closely together” Yuna said to her friend Garnet as she looked around at all the people standing. Almost all the White Mages from the varying Final Fantasy games were here atop this plateau that sat roughly 1.5 miles high. A beam of light poured on a stone podium in front of them as they all waited for their instructions from the highest ranking White Male Elder.

    Garnet didn’t respond. She was kind of tired of all this white mage do-gooder save the world crap. She also rolled her eyes at how almost all the White Mage bodies were that of the female gender. Once again, females were in the shadows of servitude instead of being in the glorious light of leadership. But a White Mage Elder would just say something cheesy and inspiring like ‘Servitude is really the strongest power there is.’

    Garnet tried for a few years to shake off her white mage roots. She tried to be more of a pure summoner that just focused on calling monsters. That didn’t work out too well, and she almost killed Vivi one day in the process. She wanted to be a Gunner class for awhile like Yuna did, but she couldn’t really shoot stuff for her life. Garnet just wasn’t a pure damage dealing class. She felt empowered and more self-confident from her adventures with Zidane but still, her role in life was still that of healing others. She didn’t know how to liberate the women of Alexandria…. The only female that knew how to wield a sword had unfortunately turned down a dark and immoral path: the fabled Dark Knight Beatrix.

    “You are a White Mage bitch, just accept it” a sassy and stereotypically gay male white mage by the name of Arcus Lainsfield suddenly said to her. Everybody just called him ‘Arc’ though. He was one of the few males amongst the white mages. Similar to a gay male social worker in a modern day college course filled with females learning about psychology. Arc was tall, lanky and had sandy brown hair.

    “Shut up Arc” Garnet said. She gritted her teeth and used every ounce of strength inside her to not summon Leviathan right here to tail-whip him off the plateau. It was so annoying how he was one of those goody goodies who got every answer right on the tests. And was sooo not the type most women would ever date even if he was straight…. He could be a friend or something, but Garnet already had enough friends.

    The plateau they were all standing upon just wasn’t a plateau, but a place known as the White Mage academy. It was far from a traditional looking school or institution, but more of a sacred holy place without a lot of material distractions where white mages could meditate and harness their natural gifts. Still, there were tests and lessons and teachers and bullies and all those things one did not like about school. The path to becoming a White Mage Elder was long and torturous.

    “This must be so big for ALL the white mages EVERYWHERE to be here” Eiko said in her squeaky little girl voice, obviously stating the obvious. Her natural white mage essence had caused it to be where she could not age.

    “Yeah I wonder what’s going on” Aeris Gainsborough said. She was half thinking of what Cloud looks like with his shirt off, and half thinking about what was actually going on. Her thin hands were clutched tightly around her ultimate weapon, Princess Guard, ready for anything.

    After a lot of waiting, an old man finally walked atop the stone podium and cleared his throat. “Ah-hem” he said, and immediately all the women stopped gossiping and turned to him.

    “You must be wondering why you were all summoned here” the stern man said. His name was Omarishu Tyniesse, aka the most powerful White Mage in all of Gaia. Look at him funny and he was bound to cast a Holy spell so devastating it would corrupt your soul and future children for thousands of eons. He was naturally powerful and thus naturally respected.

    “But first- a small discussion on how you all performed on last week’s exam. As usual, Arc scored the highest with 15,000 points. The lowest… Rosa with only 740. I am disappointed in you, Rosa. The rest of you did such a mediocre and pointless job that you are not worth mentioning. All I can say is: do better. Get over your own selfish female concerns because Gaia needs you now more than ever.”

    This guy is such a douchebag Garnet thought, but she wouldn’t dare to say that aloud because of the raw power that Omarishu wielded. He really would split up her insides with a Holy magic spell. All the while thinking he was completely in the right. Technically and very formally he was still ‘one of the good guys’, but she had a hard time with his methods and his rampant misogyny.

    Omarishu continued: “Speaking of being needed, you are all gathered here this evening for a very special occasion. Now, it’s been no secret that of recent generations, the White Mage Order has been very progressive. We’ve allowed people who studied white magic to also be other classes- as we are not naļve to how brutal and sociopathic the world really is, and how you need more than just sissy white magic to protect yourself in life." Omarishu looked right at Arc as he said that, to give him some much-needed humble-ness for scoring so good on tests but still running away from real life battles when he wasn’t in school. A few girls laughed at him.

    “I am thrilled to announce that the time of this liberal mollycoddling and ‘Letting People Be Who They Are’ crap is OVER!” the 350-year-old man said as he triumphantly raised his hands in the air as if he was strong as a virile 24-year-old spear thrower.

    A few people cheered, but most just stayed silent. “SILENCE!” Omarishu said. And well, people got silent.

    “The sad truth is that the Elders’ prophetic visions never falter… a dark presence is indeed rising to Gaia. One that requires better strategical thinking. Adapt or die, and so we must adapt. Yes, in modern times, it has been more efficient for white magic to be supplemented with other roles and classes. White Mages who are gunners, white mages who are black mages and white mages who are Warriors.”

    Aeris, Garnet, Rosa, Vanille, Eiko and Yuna and Arc all kind of just looked at each other.

    “This ends today” Omarishu said in his deeply powerful and masculine voice. “From here on out, all White Mages have been ordered by the High Council to practice White Magic and White Magic only. The pure and raw healing will be necessary from all of us as the world becomes more corrupt , more dark, more without light. We are calling it… the New Light Order.”

    The white mages looked at each other again in awe as a few people gently clapped. Garnet wasn’t happy about this, but somehow for Yuna she felt like it was the right thing to do. More than ‘right’ she just felt drawn to it.

    “And if you are wondering, no, you don’t have a choice. We need all the soldiers we can get for this Rising Dark. If you do not adhere to the new rule of White Magic only- to focus your talents solely on the healing arts, you will not only become immediately banished from the White Mage community, but we will make the ultimate example out of you: You will be banished as one of the ClassLess. The Ultimate Social Pariahs. That’s right, you will be like an ugly obese NPC innkeeper housewife with no special abilities!”

    Naturally, everybody gasped at that. Omarishu always meant business. He would follow through with his threats.

    “A classless female… I can’t think of anything worse” Rosa whispered.

    “We are, however, not totally without compassion. Those White Mages who thought they could somehow avoid this meeting to do whatever they want… even though it has been very clear for weeks how serious this meeting is, they will not be immediately turned class-less but put on probationary status until the High Council has felt their redemption has been earned.”

    Omarishu glared sternly at all the listening bodies. “And don’t think you can be so clever as to think you can be such a skilled practitioner of White Magic and do that dykey feminist gun shooter thing or whatever sub role you all currently acquire. It doesn’t work that way- everything has a price. We need people totally devoted to pure healing magic above all else. We will know if you are breaking this rule, and you will be appropriately punished. Do I make myself clear?!?”

    “Yes your Highness” the mostly-women said in unison.

    “That is all for today” Omarishu said. He cleared his throat again. “Oh – one last thing. Normally you are tested once every month. That is going to be changed to once a week. You will be tested now more than ever before in your life… but it is to prepare you for what’s to come. Not all of you are going to live in the upcoming battles. Decide right now if that’s going to be you."

    With that, Omarishu left the podium for all the White Mages to fathom what just happened.

    ~end chapter~
    Last edited by BandD; 03-14-2017 at 06:13 AM.

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    Muwahahaha fantastic writing. "Aeris, Garnet, Rosa, Vanille, Eiko and Yuna and Arc all kind of just looked at each other." That will be my first art contribution to this. But Vanille is gonna be checking everyone out.

    Gotta sleep for now but I'll check back in with my drawing

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    Thanks but I noticed a few grammatical errors and a spot where I forgot a much-needed quotation mark.... I fixed it the best I can. Blah this is why writers need editors. Anyway, I will try my best to work on chapter 2 tomorrow. <3

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    Since I couldn't fit them all on my paper, here's Rosa and Aeris daydreaming about Cloud's follicle hair!


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    haha I love it! I will try to post the next chapter later this evening.

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    dying irl

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    Bullets can we put Ultros in please

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    Chapter 2: Oh Rosa
    (tagging for @Suzaku @niffer)

    Yuna couldn’t believe that a week had already passed. Actually, she could very well believe it. Time moves fast, and any duration of time is so short compared to eternity. She remembered one time when she was meditating deeply in the Farplane, and how time moved slower there- and she was at rest for 50,000 years. Those 50,000 years actually felt like a few brief hours now. Yuna just sighed heavily at the natural entropy of it all.

    Yuna looked over her suitcase and gathered up her things. Well… I’m almost ready to trek up the mountain she thought. I’m a little nervous… today is test day.

    Garnet, who had spent the night over at Yuna’s place- stepped out of the bathroom with damp jet black hair. She had just gotten out of the shower. “Why do you climb that dumb plateau manually? Why not just instantly teleport using our portal conjuring world-hopper abilities?”

    Yuna giggled and put her hands close to her chest. She then did that typical ‘Yuna-thing’ and swayed happily back and forth. “Because… it’s such a beautiful scenery and I like taking my time. And I can spend time thinking of all my friends from Spira and our adventures together…”

    Garnet sighed. She used to be a lot like Yuna. Polite, kind and soft spoken. Now she was just wordly and harsh. And she knew maybe that she was being too much of a bitch. “That does sound nice I guess… “

    Yuna gapsed a little in excitement. “Y-you, you can join me if you like.”

    “Nah. Thanks, but I just kinda want to get today over with.” Not every white mage was tested at the same time, and there was about a ten hour period where you could take the test. As long as you completed the test by sun down, you were okay. So it was perfectly acceptable if Yuna walked up the plateau slowly, and Garnet just teleported there to be one of the first ones to take the test.

    Garnet finished combing her hair and applying her make-up. She then took out a small cubic box. She casually tossed the cube in the air and the cube’s shape transformed into complicated algorithmic patterns before morphing itself into a swirly golden coloured portal. Garnet simply thought about where she wanted to be, stepped inside the portal- and when she came out the other side, volia- she was back at the Holy plateau again. She felt her pockets in her white linen pants… the cube was safely tucked away again for next time.

    Garnet looked around at her surroundings. The only people that were here already were Arc and Rosa. Only about five white mages were allowed to take the test simulatenously. But it could just be these three for now.
    Garnet breathed the morning air deeply. She felt… okay, maybe even good. “How is everyone?” Garnet asked, sounding more like Yuna.

    “Very satisfied” Rosa said. “Cecil was amazing in bed last night.” Rosa winked at Garnet.

    Arc was a little jealous. He had only used his hand last night.

    Garnet laughed at Rosa. She thought about how they all changed. Yuna went from quiet and introspective to more of an action hero- and now back again to quiet and introspective. Garnet turned more into a worldly real life chick. Rosa on the other hand went from quiet and introspective typical white mage-like to well…. a complete and total slut.

    Arc was ignoring the girls, and was too busy playing suck up to one of the professors and asking a billion questions. “Uh, are we permitted to use the offensive spell Holy again?” Arc asked one of the Elders, who was also a professor. “Omarishu said pure healing only, but I mean the Holy spell is technically part of the Holy line-“

    The Elder sighed. “Yes Arc, casting Holy is perfectly okay. In fact, you will probably need to cast that spell for today’s test. Just do not use any other sub class abilities like a black mage’s Flare for example.”

    “So that means I can also use Aero, since Wind elemental magic – I m-mean that spell at least, is naturally part of the Holy line. Yes! Th-thank you Mr. Seamus” Arc said like a total suck up nerd. The girls all groaned at him.

    “C’mon Arc, they wouldn’t take away our ability to cast Holy. We have to still protect ourselves out there” Garnet said all confident like. “You know that.”

    Arc turned a little red and gave a shocked anime expression. “Y-yeah. I’m just a little nervous today for some reason” he said. Arc was usually very confident in school, but Omarishu’s speech about a new and ancient evil had somehow put fear into the lad.

    Mr. Seamus clapped his hands tightly, startling Arc. “Now then- I think you three will be a good start for the first phase of testing” Mr. Seamus said. “Please, get in your positions and we will begin shortly.”

    Garnet, Rosa and Arc all stood in different rows on the plateau. There were five different lanes each painted with red striped barriers. You weren’t supposed to look over a lane during the test, but people did it all the time. You didn’t have time to copy what any body was doing anyway- since speed was so crucial. The moment you tried to mimic what somebody else was doing- you’d probably already had failed that part of the test.

    “We must never forget that our fellow White Mages are our allies, but perhaps more importantly- we must also never forget that we are all competing with each other as well” Seamus said. “Good luck and may the best White Mage win.”

    “I’m gonna kick your ass Arc!” Rosa said confidently. She turned into a kind of …. slutty extroverted soccer mom. Rosa leaned forward and stretched her legs as if they were all going to race.

    Rosa beating Arc during a test? It wasn’t likely at all but today- Garnet wasn’t so sure. Usually with these three, Arc would always win – Garnet would be in second, and Rosa would be in last. But as long as you still got a D- you were okay. The consequence for losing was mainly just your peers made fun of you for a few days. Receive an F during a test and the elders permantely remove one of your White Mage abilities and to get it back again, you have to score a B+ on next month’s test. Well, now it’s every week, so next week’s test, Garnet thought.

    Seamus blew a whistle, and the first part of the test immediately happened. Very quickly and suddenly, a black arrow zapped at your chest. You had to instinctively know what spell to use to protect yourself. And … the spell to cast was well, ‘Protect.’ Garnet’s heart skipped a beat, but she ended up conjuring a white barrier right at the nick of time and the arrow fell helplessly to the ground. Whew.

    Rosa also cast Protect, and the shield stopped the arrow. In fact, Rosa actually won this round and conjured hers .2 seconds faster than Garnet.

    Surprisingly, but maybe not so surprisingly considered how nervous he was – Arc did not cast the right spell and he lied dead on the ground. Blood seeped out of the faggot’s chest as the two women watched and couldn’t help but smile. Arc had cast Curaga on himself instead of Protect- and it was not the right spell to cast at all. Not only did it take too much time, there was no way to heal through the arrow’s damage. You had to protect yourself instead, not heal. [Rosa: 2. Garnet: 1. Arc: 0]

    “And the loser of this round is Arcus” Seamus said. “Rosa is the winner and Garnet is in second place.” Seamus waved his hands and cast Full-Life on the boy. Arc looked straight ahead out at the horizon, feeling a little woozy- but then he felt okay. “I… I… I SUCK.” Arc said.

    There was no time for pity, as Seamus had already blew the whistle again- signaling that other round was coming up.

    The ground became weird and blackened looking. Garnet easily and swiftly knew she had to use the Float spell on herself to dodge the crap on the ground. She won this round easily, and was the first person to cast the right spell.

    “I-I know this!” Arc screamed and he also cast Float on himself- protecting him from being damaged by the ground. Second place goes to Arc.

    Rosa knew she had to use float, but didn’t cast the spell in time for some reason- and her body was slowed, poisoned and petrified. It was Arc’s turn to laugh at Rosa.

    “This is why it’s not a good idea to be too cocky just because you won one round” Seamus said. He waved his hands and cast Esuna on Rosa. “Garnet takes the gold, Arcus gets silver and Rosa gets turned into a Slut Stone.” Everybody laughed. Seamus blew his whistle yet again. [Rosa: 2/Garnet: 3/Arc: 1]

    The next part of the test was much longer. You had to concentrate and heal an illusion of a Warrior tanking a dragon boss. You had to cast the right spell at the right time - but also manage your MP well.

    Rosa was generally better at the slow stuff- she liked taking her time when giving blowjobs after all, and so she was winning this round. Her Warrior was the first one that was able to defeat the dragon as she confidently helped kill it was a Holy spell.

    Five minutes had passed, and it was a neck and neck battle between Garnet and Arc for whoever would get last place. The dragons took the exact same critical-hit bite out of Garnet and Arc’s warrior at the exact same time. Was it more mathematically efficient to use two Curas, or one Curaga? Garnet knew the right answer: Two Curas, but Arc had a tendency to panic and he overhealed and actually cast Curaja. The next hit his warrior took Arc was out of MP and so he couldn’t heal him. So his tank died, and the dragon immediately got aggro on Arc and well.... ran over and bit his head off. [Rosa: 4/Garnet: 4/Arc: 1]

    Seamus just stared into space so completely confident like, as if all the brutal savagery just did not phase him in the slightest- and then cast Full-Life on Arc. “So far the score is Garnet and Rosa tied with four points and Arc in last place with a paltry one point. Haha fags are bad at sports” Seamus said.

    Arc glared angrily. “I can’t lose.. I never lose to you two. What is going on today?” he said.

    The whistle blew again and round four happened. A huge image of an epic battle appeared before the three heroes. There was so much going on, it was so confusing. What do you do?

    Instinctively, Arc flicked his hands and just cast a huge Holy spell on everything. It was enough to completely win the battle. He then cast an Area of Effect healing spell on the injured allies though just to make sure.

    Garnet and Rosa both saw Arc had won and copied what he did. Garnet successfully copied Arc the quickest, and then Rosa in last place. Nobody got comically hurt or killed during this round, but there was still clear winners and losers. [Rosa: 4/Garnet: 5/Arc: 3]

    “Garnet has five points, Rosa has four points and Arc has three points” Seamus announced. By now the temple already had a bunch of spectators and other White Mages waiting for their turns at the test. Every phase of testing would be different throughout the day, so the next group of mages would not get this same test as these three. “Okay you three, get ready for the final round! Remember, the last round is worth an extra two points if you win, an extra point for second place and the loser still gets no points!”

    Seamus blew his whistle one last time, and it was on. It was still anybody’s game. What person would have the humiliation of being the loser?

    For this test, an image of a hunky and strong male appeared next to an image of a weak and fragile male. (Like an LII Se polr at his worst) Immediately, an apparatus of two wolves appeared and bit both images at the same time. This was about healing the right person, since you can only save one of them. It was selfish and wrong to heal the hunk first just because he was good looking, because he was a Warrior class who could more than take care of himself with one non-boss wolf. You had to do the compassionate and non-sexual thing and heal up the nerdy guy. You couldn’t use an area of effect healing spell either. And the wolves were Knockback Immune and immune to both Wind and Holy damage so you couldn’t just DPS them down either.

    This one was too easy. Garnet concentrated and cast Curaja on the nerd image. The hunk image then was able to flip his wolf over his back, stab the wolf and then run over and kill the nerd’s wolf for him. Battle won, experienced gained.

    Arc did the same thing- but a bit slower than Garnet, and so he was in second place. They both looked over at Rosa.

    Rosa was too busy drooling at the mouth at how fuckin’ HOT this dude was. She spammed Curaja on the hunk and the hunk only. The wolf killed the nerd by draining enough blood from his neck, gaining the buff ‘Empowered Pack.’ It increased the damage of both wolves by 375%. Then immediately, the two wolves turned on the hunky image of Chad Thundercock and killed him as well. Rosa panicked and tried to cast Protect on the image, but thanks to the Empowerd Pack buff the wolves ripped through the shield and totally killed and ate Mr. Chad.

    This left Rosa vulnerable and without a tank to protect her. The two wolves then rushed and ravaged the little slut. Bones and bloody guts flew everywhere as Rosa got devoured by the wolves.
    Arc cracked up laughing. Garnet felt a little bad for her… that was brutal. But come on, how could you get THAT one wrong, as a White Mage? The calling was all about being able to set aside your lust for the greater good. Of course the nerdy guy was pathetic and not nearly as good in bed - but it was the right answer to heal him. (Rosa: 4/Garnet: 9/Arc: 5)

    “Once again Rosa loses with four points. Arc just barely beat her with five points, and Garnet wins the competition with a whopping nine points! Congratulations Garnet!” Seamus coughed. “As usual, your over all grades and more detailed progress reports will be mailed to you via moogle mail in two to three business days.”

    All the other White Mages cheered for Garnet. A couple strong dudes lifted her up and carried her on their shoulders while people partied. Garnet smiled to herself, feeling proud. Maybe this New Light Order thing wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.

    Seamus still didn’t cast Full Life on Rosa yet, and Arc was still laughing.
    ~end of chapter~
    Last edited by BandD; 03-15-2017 at 03:51 AM.

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    marry me

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    *drinks Orlandu's distilled piss for a speedy recovery, for more art production*

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    @Bullets Yuna hiking:

    Last edited by Suzaku; 03-22-2017 at 09:14 PM.

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    Love the artwork @Suzaku - it's sooo cute.

    I haven't been feeling well but I am getting better so I will try to have another chapter up this weekend.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bullets View Post
    Love the artwork @Suzaku - it's sooo cute.

    I haven't been feeling well but I am getting better so I will try to have another chapter up this weekend.
    I'm sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well! I passed it on to you by mistake through Rosa's energy STD's floating around in the air that latch on to random bystanders ._.;; Wishing you a speedy recovery!

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    Chapter 3: Cat Fight
    @Suzaku @niffer

    Scarlet put the last of her hairpins up in her blonde hair while admiring herself in the mirror. As if the mirror were a camera, she spoke into the glass. “Those fools really thought I died in the blast when Proud Clod was defeated?”

    She then casually opened up a drawer in her dresser and fondled two shiny bright pieces of Materia as if they were an alpha male’s testicles. “It’s called Final Attack + Revive materia combo, bitches. Kya ha ha ha ha ha ha.” She had to be careful to not ‘Kya ha ha’ so loud that it would get attention from anybody else in the Costa Del Sol hotel. She then shut the dresser and locked it with an ornate looking key.

    Scarlet got up and spun around in a rather dramatic fashion. “They really think Shinra’s days are over? I am gonna rebuild this company scrap piece by scrap piece. It’s time folks.. to make Shinra great again!”

    “Hey I thought that was my line?” Palmer said. The fat and stubby small-dick Republican man waddled in front of the taller woman. He looked up at her, paying special attention to her cleavage that creeped out of her red dress. “I’m the most like Trump after all. Kye kye kye kye kye.”

    Scarlet slapped Palmer right across his stereotypical ugly old man face. “Palmer.. don’t you dare forget that I’m fucking this cat and you’re just holding its legs! There’s no reason a woman can’t lead this company, even if she is an evil narcissistic bitch.”

    “Or maybe you should stick with the weapons lady.” Palmer then winked condescendingly at Scarlet.

    There was a slight pause, and then suddenly, Palmer found himself being strangled with his own tie. “Good advice, but there’s no reason why I can’t be both President AND leader of the Weapons Development Department.” She pulled the tie tighter, causing Palmer’s cheeks to turn a purple hue. Just before he thought he was going to die or pass out, Scarlet let him go and Palmer could breathe again.

    “Now since we made it very clear who’s alpha dog, I need you to fetch me some ingredients. I will be working on this list too but it’s quite long and I will need some assistance.”

    Palmer really didn’t want to be choked like that again. “Y-yes ma’am” he said. “But how- how did you get so strong? A woman shouldn’t be that strong. Not to be politically incorrect- Oh who am I kidding, I love to be politically incorrect. Goddamn oversensitive sissy liberals wanting to save the planet? Don’t they know it’s all about Money money money!” Palmer threw a bunch of dollar bills out of his pockets.

    “Hojo finally learned how to synthesize Strength Plus materia before he died. Of course I had to steal the formula and intimidate a bunch of nerds to make it just for moi. Forget money, pea-brain. It’s all about the materia!” Scarlet fingered the bracelet she was wearing, which was adorned with eight different types of materia that gave her many different skills and abilities. Her red dress too also had eight kinds of materia; enhancing the woman’s power greatly.

    “I s-suppose I couldn’t just take…” Palmer tried to reach for the materia on the bracelet. Scarlet slapped him again, this time with so much force that he went flying back into the wall.

    “How stupid do you think I am? I let you borrow any of this then you then might be strong enough to overtake me as President. Now be a good little Beta Male and fetch mommy a [Speck of Pure White Sand from the Ancients.] It’s located somewhere in the Junon Desert.”

    “Just one special grain of sand in an entire desert whoa… how am I supposed to find that?” Palmer said.

    “I don’t know figure it out you dumbass!” Scarlet said. “I will be too busy getting an item of my own.” Scarlet walked over to a curtain. “We have a lot of work to do if we are to revive this stud:” She then pulled a curtain rod down and a sketching of a fearsome looking beast could be seen on the wall.

    “Alpha-Omega Onyx Weapon”
    Scarlet said with a smile on her face.

    “Excellent” Palmer said.


    Back at White Mage Temple…

    Through the cheers and partying, Vanille had noticed that nobody had bothered to revive Rosa yet.

    “What is wrong with you people? Don’t you know the rules of the universe! If you don’t revive a corpse within 4 minutes and 59 seconds after they die- the person cannot be revived at all! It was a sacred pact to maintain the balance between magic and reality a long time ago!”

    “You’re a white mage too, why don’t you just do it?” Garnet said.

    “Because the point is look at how selfish we’re being! When we’re supposed to be White Mages. Is it really Rosa’s fault that her female hormones are so potent she often can’t tell the difference between right and wrong?” Vanille stopped for a moment at how ridiculous that sounded.

    Arc waved his hands and at the last possible second- Rosa was revived with a Full Life spell. “Are you okay?” Arc asked Rosa. It was just like the two-faced homo to alternate between compassion and cruelty.

    “Shut up faggot. I knew you were laughing at me even though I was dead and technically couldn’t feel anything. I just knew somehow…”

    Garnet frowned a little and put a hand on Rosa’s shoulder. “It’s okay… you still passed the test. You just came in last place. And well for many years now you always come in last place during our little trials.”

    “We’re always taught as White Mages to heal the homeless and sick and to not let our emotions cloud our judgements. But the only two people I really care about healing is my hubby Cecil and my baby boy Ceodore!” Rosa said like a suburban heterosexual woman. “I am going to see them again now in fact. Fuck you again Arc!” Rosa then walked away from the group in her stripper outfit. One could hear her heels clacking loudly as they repeatedly hit the ground.

    Yuna had finally made her way up the mountain. She arrived just in time to see Rosa leaving. “W-what’s the matter with her?” Yuna asked.



    Meanwhile, in Besaid Village…

    Lulu sighed to herself while pouring a cup of Chocobo Tea. The stuff was kind of nasty, but also cheap- and they had to make some gil-cuts now that she and Wakka had nine kids together.

    Lulu felt her tummy. And she was pregnant with her tenth! A group of kids suddenly stormed into their small hut that was clearly not big enough for the size of their family. Lulu counted their little heads, making sure all were accounted for.

    “Wendi, Wayne, Waylon, Winona, Wveryn, Wyatt, Wesley, Wren and … wait, where’s Warru?” Lulu said with a worried look on her face.

    “I’m right here mommy!” Warru said, and stepped out of the closet. “I was playing hide and seek and you never came” he said in the cutest four-year-old little boy voice.

    “Oh honey mommy’s tired” she picked Warru up and hugged him.

    “Mommy can we see the ship sail off to Luca again?” Wendi asked.

    “Pleeeeeeeaaaseee” all kids asked in unison.

    “Oh all right. Just be home for dinner” Lulu said.

    “Yaaaaaaay!” and with that, all the kids rushed out of the hut and into the world. Lulu admitted she was worried about them, but most everybody in the village pitched in to help her with her kids- and she dreaded turning into one of those neurotic and paranoid helicopter parents.

    While the kids were gone, Lulu thought it was a good of time as any to get some ‘hutwork’ done. She began humming to herself while she folded a bunch of blankets and picked up some toys that were scattered about.
    “I don’t know how many times I told Wren to not leave his fire truck out in the middle of the floor…” Lulu bent over to pick the truck over.

    “Mommy- can I have some of your breast milk please. I’m hungry.”

    Lulu suddenly and violently threw the truck towards the voice while she stood up and turned around. “You’re not my kid” Lulu said matter-of-factly.

    Scarlet confidently whacked the toy truck out of the way before it could hit her in the nose. Smiling Narcisistically she said, “No. I believe I am not.”

    Lulu stepped backwards as the evil bitch in the red dress stepped forward. “What do you want?” Lulu asked.

    “I already said, black brain. Mother’s milk… from those rather succulent looking breasts you have” Scarlet said. “You know, I’m not gay or anything but damn girl.”

    A strange looking woman comes into her hut asking for her…. breast milk. The fuck? “What for?” Lulu asked.

    “That’s none of your concern” Scarlet said, edging closer. I already said too much to that Palmer dork instead of properly manipulating him Scarlet thought to herself. Lulu backed away again.

    Scarlet then paced faster towards Lulu. Lulu was running out of space to ‘back into’ – and so she waved her left hand and telekinetically sent Scarlet flying back into a wall. “I suppose Wakka kept me barefoot and pregnant for too long. I could use a little action.”

    Scarlet rushed at Lulu again, and Lulu double-casted Demi. Scarlet got a migraine from the attack and felt herself a little slower, but she cleaned herself up with a Cure 3 spell and Esuna magic. Fearing for her life- but somehow sensing Scarlet wasn’t technically a “boss”, at least not yet- Lulu waved her hands again and cast Death on Scarlet. It worked and Scarlet dropped over dead. This gave Lulu even more time to gain some distance.

    Thanks to Final Attack + Revive Scarlet was back on two feet. “I’m gonna catch up to you eventually” Scarlet said. “You black mages have a lot of tools to keep your foes at bay. But once we get close….”

    Lulu cast Scan on Scarlet- trying to get some intel on her. It was a new special type of Scan that also gave more detailed history about the person you’re fighting.

    “Scarlet O’Hara…. Real name Cassandra Novak. HP: 590,000. MP: 78014. Halves all elements. Grew up as a Class-less woman and now craves power to get revenge on those that wronged her. You used to be poor and helpless- now you pick on others who are poor and helpless?”

    “You really think yourself as poor and helpless?” Scarlet said. “Oh what you have you let men turn you into” Scarlet said.

    “No, but I’m obviously pregnant” Lulu said. “It slows a girl down a –“ Scarlet had reached Lulu and began picking her up by her throat. “Give me your breast milk and maybe I won’t play hop scotch with the little worm growing inside of you.”

    Scarlet got a pissed off look on her face though when the woman she was holding up vanished. She had gotten fooled by a Shadow Clone spell. This bought the real Lulu enough time to push a bookcase down on the back of Scarlet.

    Angrily, Scarlet punched through the bookcase and revealed a bloodied and bruised fist. She hurriedly looked around, and Lulu was out of the Hut.

    Casting Haste on herself, Scarlet zoomed out of the hut and quickly spotted the real Lulu.

    With her Copycat Materia, Scarlet mimicked Lulu’s telekinesis and begun dragging the Mage toward her. Lulu dug her heels down into the Besaid dirt as she tried to stop the force from taking her. She also gently cradled her belly, telling her unborn son or daughter that everything was going to be okay.

    Scarlet smirked as she magically dragged the Black Mage to her clutches.

    Suddenly, a bunch of Besaid villagers toppled onto Scarlet, which distracted her and weakened the link she had between herself and Lulu. Enough villages tackled Scarlet that her hold on Lulu was finally broken. They teared at her red dress, pulled her hair, spat on her face- and although they were weak individually, together they were more than enough to handle the villainous bitch.

    Scarlet had underestimated people’s concern for others, and didn’t expect everybody to just help Lulu out like that.

    Scarlet growled angrily. She punched and kicked a few villagers off of her and stood up. Realizing she was outmatched and outnumbered she just shrilled: “Damn you all. You fools. All I wanted… was just a bit of her breast milk.”

    “Oh – Lulu’s famous boob juice? You can just buy it in Mysidia. No need to kill her for it or anything” a fat know it all looking kid said. Those chubby NPCs from Final Fantasy X that everybody kinda hates.

    Everybody in the village looked at the kid like ‘you moron, why did you just say that.’

    “Mysidia huh?” Scarlet raised a brow and felt new-found strength surging inside of her. “That’s what I love about this town….” She then ripped out the fat kid’s heart for everybody to see. “Everybody’s so helpful.” Using his bloodied heart, she cast a teleportation spell and vanished away in a puff of red smoke. (The blood from the murdered NPC had also transformed Scarlet from looking beat up and thrashed to sexy and beautiful.)

    An elderly looking woman who has a bias for woman who have a lot of kids because she herself was wise, heterosexual, religious and old – helped Lulu back on two feet. “Are you okay dear?”

    “Yes…. We just have to find out what that woman wants with my milk.”

    “To Mysidia…we’ll ALL go!” a naļve looking NPC said, triumphantly raising their fist in the air.

    “No” Lulu advised. “There’s not enough world hoppers here and I cannot risk my baby’s life just to stop her. I don’t think we can stop her from getting my milk but we as sure as hell will stop her end game plan. Whatever that is.”

    A few minutes later Wakka got back from his daily hunt. He proudly held up the head of a dead blue wolf all cocky and masculine like. He saw Lulu surrounded by a bunch of concerned villagers, and the scorch mark where Scarlet had recently teleported, as well as smelling the stench of a recently murdered body.

    “What’s goin' on here, ya?” Wakka asked, feeling a little deflated as he realized his hunt didn’t compare to this.
    Last edited by BandD; 03-26-2017 at 09:46 AM.

  16. #16
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  17. #17

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    Decided to work on this more. For you @niffer my dual love.

    Chapter 4: Sympathy for the Scarlet

    Scarlet looked around at the destruction she was causing in Mysidia. Dead bodies of both white and black mages sprawled about everywhere. "I really hate to do this to you... but I am a villain after all" Scarlet said while punching her fist through a black mage's chest. "Why are all the stupid mages in this stupid little town... so short" Scarlet said. She waved her other hand and cleaned the guts off her fist with an Esuna spell.

    A kind looking old woman looked at Scarlet and said "Since when is anything ever that simple, mmhmm?" she said, referring to Scarlet's comment about her being a campy one-note villain. "I know you're in pain, I know how much you are hurting. But you don't have to do this my childe!"

    Scarlet was about to uppercut the woman's head off; but something about her was just too disarming. Surprisingly, she stopped herself from killing this woman like she did all the others. "No idea why I'm not popping your head like a zit right now..."

    "You could just pay for the boob juice you know...." the elderly woman said, like the NPC earlier.

    Scarlet suddenly had a flash black of when she was bullied in school. She was wearing poor old beige rags that made K-Mart look like High Fashion. "Haha you're nothing more than a poor slut, and that's all you will ever be is a poor slut, poor slut!" Frederick Winslow said while cruelly pointing a finger at her, with his stupid minions in the background cackling like hyenas. "Poor slut. Poor slut. Poor slut. Poor slut. Poor slut. Poor slut."

    Goddamn Frederick Winslow, some uppity rich brat who made life hell for poor little Scarlet when she was a young girl.

    And nobody cared.

    Not her friends and acquaintances she gossiped with, they told her 'she was being too sensitive.' Not social workers, or teachers or the mayor himself- who she tried to complain to about the abuse but they always took his side because he has too many ties with the community and manipulated them all with his little favors. Frederick had too much Te and was allowed to get away with treating Scarlet like that.

    Of course it wasn't just simple schoolyard bullying that turned Scarlet into the murderous bitch she was today. She then also had another, more serious flashback of being sexually abused.

    "Hey the kids in school make fun of you, right? Want to do something that feels better...." Her intimidating six foot four perverted foster brother said to her.

    And Scarlet blocked out more pain, and refused to go deeper into the rape. She felt something leaking out of her face... it felt so functional, so mechanical. Like she wasn't even really here. But she saw the liquid come out of her eye, and onto her finger tips. She looked at it quizzically whilst rubbing her fingertips together.

    "Yes... tears of healing. Let it all out my child. It's okay" the old woman NPC purred and hugged her. For the first time, in Yevon knows how long- Scarlet O'Hara didn't feel like being a bitch.

    "W-who are you?" Scarlet said. She stopped herself from falling apart any further.

    The old woman refused to answer. "I know I can't stop you. If it's Lulu's infamous breast milk you want, I'll purchase it for you." She searched in her pocket for some gil, but then stopped when she looked down and kinda couldn't help but laugh, even though she knew it was wrong. "But it appears you already killed the merchant who sells it... well humorless old dolt he was, anyway." The old woman then kneeled over and picked up a small vial of liquid from the floor. It glowed subtly, humming with tremendous female power.

    She kindly held it out for Scarlet. "I believe this is what you're looking for." Scarlet grabbed the relic and placed it into the crack of her own breasts.

    Scarlet smiled, feeling an almost... bond with this woman? "When I rebuild Shinra... and take over the world, I promise I will spare your life" Scarlet said.

    "Oh come now" the old woman said said with an almost-laugh. "There's no need for all that is there, mmm?" Scarlet stared at the old woman, intrigued. "We both know there's a thing called Heroes in the world, and they will stop you- they will do whatever is necessary to stop you, such is the painstakingly predictable path of annoying, self-righteous delta goody two shoes" the woman said. "Your mission is empty... meaningless. I know you don't have to listen to me but I advise you to just drop the whole bloody thing."

    Scarlet didn't know for sure what a 'delta' was exactly, but she got the gist of it. "I-I have to... they treated me that way. Nobody ever loved me and..."

    The woman smiled and touched Scarlet again. "You're right. Nobody ever loved you. But, well, there's a first time for everything, isn't there?" The red-dressed warrior felt that tingle again.

    "Who are you?" Scarlet said. "And tell me this time, I mean it. I might not have it in me to kill you, but I will go after somebody you care about.."

    The woman took a moment, but finally spoke up. "Isn't it obvious?" the woman said. She let out a soft but tough sigh. "I'm Amber, your Grandmother."

    ~End of Chapter~

  18. #18

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    Chapter 5: Wakka, Wakka, Wakka

    "So who is this Scarlet chick and how do we cream her, ya?" Wakka said, showing off his delicious and masculine biceps while sitting down Indian-style next to the Besaid campfire. It was nighttime and the village felt very peaceful. Lulu and Wakka were the only ones out talking with a few nosy townsfolk eavesdropping on what they were saying.

    "You will leave the fighting to me" Lulu said with a stern know-it-all mommy knows best smile. "We both know it's wrong for men to hit women. Even somebody as cruel as Scarlet is, she's still a woman."

    "But you're pregnant with my child, ya?" Wakka said all adorable goofy straight man like. He cleared his throat, his tone becoming more serious. "If anything were to happen to ya..."

    Lulu sighed. "You're right. I can't fight... it's too risky. But lucky for us, I do know people who can." Lulu searched within her famous boobs and took out a sphere. She then threw the sphere into the fire.

    "Hey whaddya do that-"

    But Wakka's fears were quickly quelled when a holographic screen appeared over the roaring fire. The image was of three friends goofing off with each other on a mountaintop. Yuna, Garnet and Arc. It seemed so innocent.. so inspiring. So 'Good.'

    "The more corrupt somebody becomes- the more vulnerable they are to Light magic. Naturally. Now I use Shadow magic myself... but I theorize these heroes will be the key to thwarting Ms. Scarlet's plans" Lulu said calmly.

    "But they are just kids..." Wakka said. "Young adults" Lulu corrected. "Old enough to have consensual sex but young enough to battle. Their bodies are in the prime shape of their lives... especially the male's."

    "I dunno Lu, he looked kinda scrawny" Wakka said.

    "That's where you come in, you big oaf" Lulu said. An anime sweat drop suddenly appeared over Wakka's head. "Whaaaa?"

    "You will be the tank for these three young adults" Lulu said. "They need a straight man Warrior class to lead them... to protect them, and to guide them."

    Wakka sheepishly put his hand on the back of his head. "But no pressure, ya?"

    "You've been doing exceptionally well on your daily hunts" Lulu said calmly. "You are ready for this."

    "But we have no black mage... no hunter even. Three white mages and one Warrior. Seems kinda imbalanced, ya?"

    Lulu shook her head. "Old-school class balance need not apply here. True, it isn't some perfect party with a pretty bow on top like the end of Final Fantasy 4 where you get everything neatly handled to you in one grand gesture all at once. But this is real life, not a video game" Lulu said. "It will have to make do.... the world depends on it."

    Wakka nodded his head. He then stood up and showed off his delicious looking Chad-like body. Wakka was a Warrior class, indeed. He then took out a Blitzball, tossed it up in the air until white spikes shot out the side then put the ball back under his arm. "Gotcha babe. Now ... when do I start?"

    "Well... you know what the Black Mage Elders say: There's no time like the present." And with that, Lulu used what black magic was left in her body, waved her hand and teleported Wakka to the mountain where Garnet, Yuna and Arc were.

    "That will buy us much needed time... but now I'm weak. I-I've exhausted many magical resources with that spell" Gamma Te-valuing Lulu said. It was kinda like a traditional black mage's 'Warp' spell but with fetus-inspired oomph. "I won't be able to cast magic again until a little after the baby is born." She patted her tummy. "And he's only four months along..." She sighed and yawned. "Ah well. It was worth it."

    The old EII woman who loves when other heterosexual women have children because it's good and Christian and God-like, compassionately took Lulu by the arm. "Come sweetie, I will help you back into your hut."

    Wakka looked around from the top of the mountain. "Whoah- cool spell Lu, but it gave me a killer migraine, ya?" Wakka suddenly vomited on a bunch of rocks. He then looked at the three people across from him: Yuna, Garnet and Arc.

    The trio saw how fucking hunky this aussie stud was and immediately did Tex Avery-style wildtakes. Arc could practically smell how good his underarms smelled from here. "I saw him first!" they all said in unison.

    Wakka got a 'uh-oh' face on him. Just what did he get himself into?

    ~End of Chapter~

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