Chapter 5: Wakka, Wakka, Wakka

"So who is this Scarlet chick and how do we cream her, ya?" Wakka said, showing off his delicious and masculine biceps while sitting down Indian-style next to the Besaid campfire. It was nighttime and the village felt very peaceful. Lulu and Wakka were the only ones out talking with a few nosy townsfolk eavesdropping on what they were saying.

"You will leave the fighting to me" Lulu said with a stern know-it-all mommy knows best smile. "We both know it's wrong for men to hit women. Even somebody as cruel as Scarlet is, she's still a woman."

"But you're pregnant with my child, ya?" Wakka said all adorable goofy straight man like. He cleared his throat, his tone becoming more serious. "If anything were to happen to ya..."

Lulu sighed. "You're right. I can't fight... it's too risky. But lucky for us, I do know people who can." Lulu searched within her famous boobs and took out a sphere. She then threw the sphere into the fire.

"Hey whaddya do that-"

But Wakka's fears were quickly quelled when a holographic screen appeared over the roaring fire. The image was of three friends goofing off with each other on a mountaintop. Yuna, Garnet and Arc. It seemed so innocent.. so inspiring. So 'Good.'

"The more corrupt somebody becomes- the more vulnerable they are to Light magic. Naturally. Now I use Shadow magic myself... but I theorize these heroes will be the key to thwarting Ms. Scarlet's plans" Lulu said calmly.

"But they are just kids..." Wakka said. "Young adults" Lulu corrected. "Old enough to have consensual sex but young enough to battle. Their bodies are in the prime shape of their lives... especially the male's."

"I dunno Lu, he looked kinda scrawny" Wakka said.

"That's where you come in, you big oaf" Lulu said. An anime sweat drop suddenly appeared over Wakka's head. "Whaaaa?"

"You will be the tank for these three young adults" Lulu said. "They need a straight man Warrior class to lead them... to protect them, and to guide them."

Wakka sheepishly put his hand on the back of his head. "But no pressure, ya?"

"You've been doing exceptionally well on your daily hunts" Lulu said calmly. "You are ready for this."

"But we have no black mage... no hunter even. Three white mages and one Warrior. Seems kinda imbalanced, ya?"

Lulu shook her head. "Old-school class balance need not apply here. True, it isn't some perfect party with a pretty bow on top like the end of Final Fantasy 4 where you get everything neatly handled to you in one grand gesture all at once. But this is real life, not a video game" Lulu said. "It will have to make do.... the world depends on it."

Wakka nodded his head. He then stood up and showed off his delicious looking Chad-like body. Wakka was a Warrior class, indeed. He then took out a Blitzball, tossed it up in the air until white spikes shot out the side then put the ball back under his arm. "Gotcha babe. Now ... when do I start?"

"Well... you know what the Black Mage Elders say: There's no time like the present." And with that, Lulu used what black magic was left in her body, waved her hand and teleported Wakka to the mountain where Garnet, Yuna and Arc were.

"That will buy us much needed time... but now I'm weak. I-I've exhausted many magical resources with that spell" Gamma Te-valuing Lulu said. It was kinda like a traditional black mage's 'Warp' spell but with fetus-inspired oomph. "I won't be able to cast magic again until a little after the baby is born." She patted her tummy. "And he's only four months along..." She sighed and yawned. "Ah well. It was worth it."

The old EII woman who loves when other heterosexual women have children because it's good and Christian and God-like, compassionately took Lulu by the arm. "Come sweetie, I will help you back into your hut."

Wakka looked around from the top of the mountain. "Whoah- cool spell Lu, but it gave me a killer migraine, ya?" Wakka suddenly vomited on a bunch of rocks. He then looked at the three people across from him: Yuna, Garnet and Arc.

The trio saw how fucking hunky this aussie stud was and immediately did Tex Avery-style wildtakes. Arc could practically smell how good his underarms smelled from here. "I saw him first!" they all said in unison.

Wakka got a 'uh-oh' face on him. Just what did he get himself into?

~End of Chapter~