How to romance series: LSI

[Myst]

I have found people of all quadras controlling. Here are some things that qualify as controlling for me:

Hmm, ok. A lot of these things you listed are incredibly unfair especially when it's clear it's intentionally done but I wouldn't feel controlled by some of it since I have a choice to respond.

What I call controlling is when behaviour is directly controlled by the person (or direct attempt at doing so). The rest is selfish, unfair etc, so crap, yes, but the other party still has a choice to respond in whatever way they want to.

I guess if those are done intentionally to manipulate, that's a form of control (or attempt at it) too. So in that sense I get what you mean even if to me that's weirdly indirect.

[golden]

Hmm, ok. A lot of these things you listed are incredibly unfair especially when it's clear it's intentionally done but I wouldn't feel controlled by some of it since I have a choice to respond.

What I call controlling is when behaviour is directly controlled by the person (or direct attempt at doing so). The rest is selfish, unfair etc, so crap, yes, but the other party still has a choice to respond in whatever way they want to.

I guess if those are done intentionally to manipulate, that's a form of control (or attempt at it) too. So in that sense I get what you mean even if to me that's weirdly indirect.

The themes behind what I listed would be that they're all moves that diminish my humanity, choice, power, and self-determination. This is why I find them to be controlling moves. People can do them unconsciously simply to further a hegemony without being individually controlling, but the result is I'm still going to experience it as a check on me.

[Myst]

If one wants relationships with Ijs, one first must get to intimately know their plans, which may not be all that forthcoming right off the bat; it'll take time and a superficial understanding won't do. Many Ijs may think that they don't have plans but if one looks deep enough, they're there. All the time that you'll be spending trying to figure out the Ijs' plans, they will be rationalizing you, your probing and your actions. Their main concern will be whether or not you can be integrated into their plans and for your own protection, you have to find out exactly the same thing because they may not get it right in the beginning but later will wash their hands of you quickly. They'll readily give opinions and signals, not as much to cater to you but rather to test you, and much of this behaviour is involuntary. In the beginning, if their responses seem somewhat casual and non specific, then they may not be all that interested either the subject or the potential relationship - it can be hard to distinguish.

Hm, well I have been pretty upfront with the plans stuff, right away when I thought of something. But that was with people who I already knew, hm. Makes sense.

Casual and non-specific responses... it just means I'm keeping a distance. Still keeping it for now (may allow this to change later) or already decided to forever keep it. Quite good at keeping up this wall in any case (once a friend of mine called it that).

The themes behind what I listed would be that they're all moves that diminish my humanity, choice, power, and self-determination. This is why I find them to be controlling moves. People can do them unconsciously simply to further a hegemony without being individually controlling, but the result is I'm still going to experience it as a check on me.

Well if they are done with the intention to diminish your power and self-determination etc that's really bad controlling moves. Direct or indirect. Otoh I can see versions of some of the things in your list as ways to control the situation for own ends without intending to diminish the opponent in any way. That doesn't mean I'd agree with those moves either since they still don't take the other person into account. I guess, when seeing them as controlling also includes the assumption that they'd respond to the opponent disagreeing or fighting back in a negative way trying to control the situation and/or the person just even more strongly. And I can see how most of the stuff in the list are easily red flags in terms of making it likely that the person with such moves would respond this way.